Reality Check Needed...

angelaboston650 · July 2009

All of my family is out of state and my mom and sister (who is a bridesmaid) threw me a small shower in my home town already.I only have two bridesmaids in-state and FI's family is also in-state. My MOH called my FMIL and asked if she could help contribute. She said no. This hurt my feelings, because I thought the bridesmaids and moms did the shower? Is it normal for your FIs mom to help with shower? Even if it's not "tradition" for FMIL to contribute, I know it's not a financial issue, so I'm a little sad she chose not to help just on principle. But maybe I'm being too sensitive.Reality check please! Any thoughts? Who contributed to your shower... BMs only, your mom, FMIL (FI's mom)? Other?

jenvalet · July 2009

My MIL did not contribute, but she is out of state and no one from my husband's side even ended up attending - they were all out of state. In the end, my BM's helped in the planning, but my mom paid for all of it.

erilouboston · July 2009

In our circle, the mom's throw the shower, with a little help from the BMs (mostly helping set up and maybe purchasing some decor items, etc.). My 2 FMIL's aren't contributing at all - and I'd never expect them to - but it might be just a cultural/regional thing because when I explain to other people that in our group the mom's throw the showers - they look at me like I'm crazy because I guess everywhere else the BM's take care of it.

jenwindy · July 2009

Is she helping with other aspects of the wedding already? Maybe she doesn't have time in her schedule? It's still a lame excuse 'cause it doesn't necessarily require a ton of time. If it makes you feel better, I didn't have a single shower. I excused my girls from it because it would have been complicated with logistics (everyone is out of town). It didn't bother me.

jenwindy · July 2009

I've also heard in some circles that Mothers/Sisters don't throw the shower because it makes the family appear greedy for gifts, especially since this would be your 2nd shower. Maybe that's what your FMIL feels.

junelley · July 2009

My mother is out of state and the only thing she's helping me with is finding her own attire to wear to my wedding. All my BMs are out of state. FMIL is throwing us a brunch for the day after the wedding already, so I am not expecting anyone to throw me anything. Would be nice, but I am not expecting one.

junelley · July 2009

Oh, and like jenwindy, I don't mind not having a shower at all. I am just happy that my BM's will make their way over to my wedding!

erilouboston · July 2009

I'm with the other girls - I didn't want a shower at all, but my mother insisted. I think because all her friends/sisters had thrown showers for their daughters and she wanted to do it too. Maybe your FMIL has a reason? Could your FI talk to her, just mention it casually? That might help you feel better!

LucyD1029 · July 2009

I don't know who paid for my shower (my bridesmaids hosted, but I suspect my grandmother gave them the money for it), but I do know that my MIL didn't do anything. She didn't offer to help and no one asked her. I think she felt it wasn't any of her business. She also never RSVP'd and someone had to track down her response!I don't think your MOH should have called your FMIL and asked her to contribute. If she wanted to, she would have offered.

EKobrenski · July 2009

My circle is the same as erilou's...the mom's pay and the BM's help with setting up. FMIL will be involved since both families are mostly in town, but I've gotten the impression that my mother is covering the shower and FMIL is covering the RD (along with FFIL, of course). They're both contributing to the wedding so i guess that makes sense.

erilouboston · July 2009

Oh yeah - like Ekobs - my FMIL &FFIL are covering the RD, so that's another reason not to contribute to the shower... I hadn't thought of that! So they are contributing, just in another way - maybe your FMIL has something else in mind to do for you?

EKobrenski · July 2009

Oh, before I get flamed, I didn't mean to imply that any of the parents have to contribute, just that's how mine and my FILs worked it out.

erilouboston · July 2009

Ditto, Ekobs!

kebmtm071605 · July 2009

Yes, you are being sensitive. Strictly from an etiquette standpoint, mothers are not supposed to plan showers because it looks like they are soliciting gifts for their child. Honestly, no one HAS TO contribute to a shower. It was nice of your mother & sister to throw you a shower. If your MOH hosts a second for you, that's a bonus. For my shower, my BMs hosted it. For my best friend's shower, I was MOH, and the BMs split most of the costs. The bride's mom paid for centerpieces and a few other things. The groom's mother contributed nothing. Neither moms were asked to contribute...the bride's mom just volunteered to do so.

angelaboston650 · July 2009

Thanks for the thoughts. Seems like it a mix, but mostly BMs. I guess I can't take it personally since it seems like it is a family to family decision.It just hurt my feelings that she said no when asked. I thought it was something that she would be excited about and would want to at least be a part of because she has only sons... One shower was not possible because of logistics, but I wish I had done what others did and just tell BMs no shower. BMs are stretched because of layoffs, etc. Hometown shower was very small only 10-12 people because most of my friends are here. Only 2 BMs in state, and neither has a house, so they're having a (low cost) brunch at a restaurant. In fairness, my in-laws are giving rehearsal dinner, but even $10 would have made me feel like she at least wanted to help. I hope it doesn't sound greedy... not the AMOUNT at all, just the thought. Even if she offered the house (wouldn't have had it there but) the thought would have been REALLY appreciated... But I am taking away that it just depends who helps and not all FMILs want to or do help! Right?Sorry so long! Many many thanks!!

foolforfood · July 2009

Do your MOH and FMIL have a relationship? My MOH and MIL only met once before the wedding. If I were a FMIL and got a call from a complete stranger asking for money to foot an event that I have no control over, then I'd probably decline. You have your set of principles and so does your FMIL.

angelaboston650 · July 2009

Foolforfood: That's true. I just wish she wanted to be involved. I'm taking something as a personal rejection that could just be an entirely different issue...I guess I had an assumption that she would want to help because she always says she wants to, but maybe she has another idea about it.Thanks for an outside perspective... would not have considered it that way before.

sboston06 · July 2009

No shower for me yet, but for my sister's shower: BM's split the (huge) cost of food, decorations, gift and desserts. mom paid for centerpieces, invitations her FMIL made the cake I think it's nice for the FMIL to contribute something even if it's not money. I was thrilled my sister's FMIL made the cake because she's a retired cake baker and it looked amazing. And it was something I didn't have to arrange. I would be a little hurt if my FMIL didn't want to contribute anything to my shower (via money, help or something else).

EKobrenski · July 2009

I just wanted to add, although I don't think you should feel bad, I totally understand why you do. In-laws are a touchy subject for a lot of us, and sometimes things should be taken personally and sometimes they shouldn't. It's really hard to tell. My FMIL is not the warmest person in the world, although she is generally well-intentioned, so I have had similar feelings to you.

jenwindy · July 2009

Agree with Ekob. In-laws are a touchy subject. For me, it was muuuch easier not to involve them because when I did, they offered opinions that totally clashed with mine. I just let his mom worry about picking out her dress and getting their house prepared for the house guests. I kept her updated from time to time on the big picture stuff so she could feel included... but no details. For everyone's sanity, sometimes it really is easier if everyone doesn't get involved. It doesn't mean they dont' support you or your marriage.

october010bride · July 2009

In my circle bm's plan and pay for the shower so this doesn't seem too strange to me. Although it would have been nice for her to atleast seem interested maybe she just assumed it wasn't her place... ?Try to not take this so personally, even if she didn't want any part in it hopefully she'll come around for other wr stuff.:)

angelaboston650 · July 2009

Jenwindy- This is really insightful and a much SIMPLER approach. I was trying to make it a point to involve her because she has hurt feelings about not being close with other dot-in-laws so I didn't want her to feel that way. But to your point, I also invited her to have her hair and make-up done with my mom and bms and it's complicated things because she won't say yes or no. Also invited her for dress shopping and she cancelled last minute and I went alone. I guess I have to realize she may not want to be involved as much as she says when talking casually, and my wanting to include her (maybe more than she wants to be) because my mom and sis are out of state, has made things more difficult.I'll just step away from the planning process for the night and have a glass of wine now... Thanks for all the kind words!

RedSoxGirl10 · July 2009

I have thrown 2 showers this year- the first the mom paid for everything but the FMIL brought a cake, and at the second the bridesmaids are paying for everything with no help from mom or FMIL. I personally am also not having a shower because my mom doesn't want to throw one (isn't into it) and I think its SO ridiculous when young bridesmaids have to pay a ton of money for them. Personally, I think it should be mom and FMIL if anyone, but thats just me. Did she offer any reason for declining?

erickskd · July 2009

I had a similar run-in situation with MIL his weekend. BMs are all outside of New England so I did not expect them at all to host a shower. Heck I didn't even want a shower to begin with, but my aunt volunteered and the BMs who are within 4hrs of Mass are going to attend and help out where needed. Well MIL got all bent out of shape saying the MOH should be taking the responsibility yadda yadda. I guess traditionally (like when our parents got married) the MOH hosts it but that is definitely not the case anymore - anything goes.

dianenjnj · July 2009

i don't think you are being too sensitive. i would feel a little hurt as well knowing that she just flat out said "no" without any offer of the slightest assistance.however, we don't know EXACTLY how your moh broached the subject with her...there's a nice way and a demanding kind of way...and we don't know which was used.as for my shower, many, many years ago, my uncle's wife and her daughter did all the work(my not having parents or siblings). for my daughter, i'm footing the bill. for my son's fi (when the time comes), if asked, i'd certainly be willing to contribute.

angelaboston650 · July 2009

It's shower madness for sure... then MIL wrote to ask me to add guests! Funny.Thanks for the posts, everyone REALLY helped me to gain some much needed perspective. I think I'm allowed 3 bridezilla moments per wedding right??

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