Second thoughts.....

costarica2011 · April 2011

This I guess may be one of the few posts written by a guy but at this point wasn't sure where else to turn. Since last year I was planning to propose to my g/f on Christmas day and we would get married this year May on our anniversary of our first date. The engagement went well after trying to convince her parents but they were against the idea of getting married so soon after.
So with that sad we had to push back the wedding to November 11th which I thought would be nice as well. From what I thought we were both happy with that date. My fiance brought it up with her parents and now they're somewhat ok with it but they prefer it in December so they could help contribute money for the wedding. Now my fiance is starting to say she was just doing Nov for me because it made me happy but she prefers December because that's when we got engaged. Yet there was no talk about December all along.
What makes it worse is that we're in a long distance relationship (2 flights away) so we don't get to see each other often and this is just pushing things further apart. As it is I haven't seen her since December and maybe won't be able to now until Septtember.
I truly do love her but at the same time based on this situation and others it's difficult because of the stong hold her parents still have. When we first started planning she didn't want a big wedding, just something simple and I was OK with that but I was still going to make it special for her. Also she wanted most of her family & friends to be there so we decided to have it there and I'll just invite a few of mine who may be able to afford travelling that distance. Now it seems like everything is changed just to suit her parents and she wants to have this extra money and have it in December to make it really special

I'm just afraid that her views and decisions now will continue to be controlled by her parents in the future and no matter what we do will have to go through second approval. As is the case now with a possilbe 3rd wedding date.

sherrbearr22 · April 2011

Have you tried talking to her about your concerns? It could just be that she is listening to her parents because they are funding the wedding - which is the way it should be. Did you have a special attachment to November or are you just annoyed because you have to change the date yet again?

Lots of things come up during the planning process and sometimes you just have to go with the flow. Our wedding date, colors, attire, etc. changed a few times throughout our engagement and I knew it was to be expected.

Anyway, it may be something as simple as she is listening to the opinions she's getting with the added piece of her parents contributing money to the wedding and making decisions based off that. To me it doesn't raise any red flags. Just talk to her and be sure that she understands how important it is to you that the two of you make decisions together.

bourgehm · April 2011

I've changed my wedding date 3 times. Financially, we just weren't ready to be husband and wife yet. It was the smartest decision for us. I know how much it sucks though. At the time we changed it, I was pretty upset and wanted to live in a cardboard box with FI haha. But, now I've realized, looking back, that the decision to move it back was extremely smart and I am so glad we did. Seriously. To me, it sounds like you're just having trouble accepting the fact that you've had 3 wedding dates, and it sounds like it's making you feel a little down. I just wanted to encourage you with my past experiences.

Also, you need to have a talk with your FI. Sit down and tell her how you're feeling. If I read your timeline right, you're getting married ONE year after the first date. And it's long distance, so you've barely seen each other in that one year. Maybe you need to slow down a bit and talk to your FI. Also, maybe there are other reasons the parents don't like you guys being married now. How old are you both? My FI's parents weren't so excited about us getting married since I'm on the younger side. We sat down and had a talk with them. Listen to all of their concerns. All of them. After they're all out on the table, say that you understand their concern and tell them why you want to and feel like now is a good time to be married.

costarica2011 · April 2011

I've tried talking to her about my concerns and views but once it's a decision of her parents she normally does all she could to make sure that's the one that stays. I mean to me it's not even about the money because we would have had the wedding we wanted all along until this change.
I was planning to take her to NY for New Year's eve for the Honeymoon as she's never been. Rather than have me possibly contibute more money towards the wedding if her parents can't and then have them contibute to the honeymoon would have been reasonable to me as well but it's just whatever they say goes.
As for ages, she's 26 & I'm 33.
It would have been a year but we've been friends 2 years prior and been there for each other through lots of stuff.

Avion22 · April 2011

I'm sorry, what a tough situation. I can see how this would be frustrating.

Is there a reason she is agreeing with her parents instead of you? Does she still live with them? Do they have some kind of financial hold over her? It it a cultural thing? 26 seems a little old to be backing her parents instead of you...but there could be a lot of factors going on here.

costarica2011 · April 2011

I believe it's a mixture of a cultural thing and a fear of not upsetting them so she normally tries to do things to keep them happy.However she no longer lives with them and she hasn't for nearly 10 years.So I'm just concerned that what is happening now will just be a continuation into the future and she'll never have the complete independence to live her life freely.
We could have been married in 3 weeks until her parents said no. When I visit I normally stay at a hotel and if she stays over she can't even tell her parents so there's still lots of stuff she's not free to do openly unfortunately.

Summer2011Bride · April 2011

There are two issues here. The first is her listening to her parents about the wedding. If they're footing the bill, then unfortunately, they have a large say in how/when it happens. If you or your FI would like it done differently, you will have to pay for it. Just this issue alone I don't think is cause for concern, as many brides and grooms have to change plans to appease who is paying.

What would concern me is her letting them control her in other decisions not regarding the wedding. I think you need to discuss this with her open and honestly ASAP esp if you are getting married soon (anything within a year I consider soon). This is a bad precedent to start. My FI's parents used to be like this and he would unfortunately have to conform to their wishes b/c they had a lot to hang over his head while they were paying for his college, car insurance, etc. Now he is financially free and even though they were against us moving in together two years ago, he put his food down respectfully but firmly. Things are fine now. I think they respected him standing up to them, as weird as that sounds.

Your FI needs to do this with her parents. You don't want them trying to dictate your decisions on money, children, etc. If you talk to her and she sees nothing wrong with the way things are but it's a huge concern for you, then postponing the wedding may be the way to go. You want to sort this out before exchanging vows, because getting married will not change the way her parents are.

wiwicaty · April 2011

26 seems a bit old to be controlled by one's parents. Plus I'm sorry, but even if one's parents are (partially) funding the wedding they're not entitled to bypass the groom altogether. I get that if they're paying their opinions matter greatly but going as fas as to set the date seems a bit disrespectful towards an established adult relationship. They are not children, they can pick their date, no? JMO

Anyways, I think you should ask very direct questions to your FI; what does SHE want, is it necessary to accept her parents' money as opposed to enjoying the freedom of planning your wedding by yourselves etc... You need to be on the same page before you can include (or not) others.

I guess at 33 it must be frustrating to have to deal with such intrusive parents (FILs) but yours sound like a complicated relationship regardless. A long honest chat is what you need. Don't worry too much about moving the date, I mean, a wedding date is a crucial element, but it seems you two need to take a small step back right now.

zitiqueen · April 2011

Dude, run.

A wedding ring won't change the fact that she's a doormat to her parents. You've made her aware of your concerns regarding the control they have over your lives and she's let you know with her actions that she doesn't care about your concerns.

Do you really want a lifetime of this? You think it's bad now, wait until you try to buy a house, or have kids.

vegasgroom · April 2011

My FI talks to her mom daily, but her mom goes along with whatever I want because her parents love me lol; if it was the opposite and she had to clear everything we did with her parents, that would last all of about a month before I couldn't take anymore.

Anyway, at the very least I'd try to close the long distance gap before even considering going forward with marriage; problems like these could be just the tip of the iceberg; people can be quite differnet when you see them every day versus a few times a year.

redheadfsu · April 2011

I would recommend putting the wedding on hold. You need to let your FI know that you have these serious concerns about her relationship with her parents. Getting married will not change anything, nothing at all. You need to fix this before you set the date. You two have to be a unit. You have to be a united front when it comes to anything, including her parents. If you don't feel respected now, you probably never will.

mstar284 · April 2011

Hmmmm....26 is old enough to marry, but not if she still acts like she's 16. To me, she doesn't seem ready until she decides to cut the cord. It's one thing to have supportive, involved parents that care about you, but it's quite another to be so controlled by them that you are not allowed to spread your wings and grow up like a normal adult. I know you love her, but I wouldn't do anything until she has made a commitment to you whole-heartedly and takes some time to mature a bit and become more independent.

Hays2be · April 2011

This sounds like the relationship of my EH and his mother. He was firmly under her control in every way. She tried to get me to let her be the mortgagee (with EH) of our first house. I most emphatically said NO. To this day--he's 45--he's still right under her thumb. His new wife let her buy them a house. Lets her have an awful lot of say-so in their lives.

I'd think long and hard about entering this relationship. At a minimum, I would delay the date until you both have a chance to talk things over.

courtney1188 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-thoughts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2494cb1e-12a9-4753-953b-60fd74e2ec0dPost:ca791c0a-e801-4569-810a-15fc72012b02">Re: Second thoughts.....</a>:
[QUOTE]I would recommend putting the wedding on hold. You need to let your FI know that you have these serious concerns about her relationship with her parents. Getting married will not change anything, nothing at all. You need to fix this before you set the date. You two have to be a unit. You have to be a united front when it comes to anything, including her parents. If you don't feel respected now, you probably never will.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I agree with this 100%. May I ask how much time you two have actually spent together if you have a LDR and have been together less than a year? If you haven't spent much time together it's very difficult to say how she generally is with her parents.

kgettingmarried · April 2011

Agree with pp...I wouldn't jump into marriage with someone like this. Esp long distance and together under one year, how can you know someone well enough to commit to a lifetime with them in that amount of time? It doesn't sound like you see each other often, and when you do you can't freely spend time together because she allows her parents to control your relationship. So, no matter how you feel now, you should know this is not a good time to take this relationship to marriage.

The two of you need to spend more time together, and you need to find out whether or not she can get out from under her parent's thumb. You have to know whether or not that is possible before you can commit your life to her - no one can live controlled by their parents like that. You deserve better than that.

I would postpone the wedding until you clear these things up. Like pp said, bridge the distance first, cross the parent bridge second and then get married IF you still feel that she is the one.

[Deleted User] · April 2011

EDIT:

a good book to read about families and relationships is "Family Ties Don't Have to Bind" by James Osterhaus and James Denney.

[Deleted User] · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-thoughts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2494cb1e-12a9-4753-953b-60fd74e2ec0dPost:763a69a9-51b7-46cb-b21a-ab7b4bf46c85">Re: Second thoughts.....</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't understand why you would post a bunch of stuff here that you plan on DDing later. I kind of hope whoever you don't want to see it does. It's not OP's job to save his FI from herself and her parents. It's obvious her parents opinions mean more to her than her FI's, so why should he try to change that? He could go find himself a nice lady, with healthy boundaries, so why should he waste time trying to fix this chick?
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

I appreciate your opinion. however, people aren't always expendable. sometimes it's worth the effort to address and face the issues. that's for OP to decide.

CostaRica... you have a private message from me. if you don't know how to check it, look to the left on your side bar and click on Private Messages.

J&K10910 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-thoughts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:2494cb1e-12a9-4753-953b-60fd74e2ec0dPost:8f869894-7c45-4f8d-839d-a097c73647d9">Re: Second thoughts.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Second thoughts..... : I appreciate your opinion. however, people aren't always expendable. sometimes it's worth the effort to address and face the issues. that's for OP to decide. CostaRica... you have a private message from me. if you don't know how to check it, look to the left on your side bar and click on Private Messages.
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

But his FI is 26 and still lets her parents control her life. Do you think that will magically change with a wedding ring? Do you think there is a magical age when that will stop? I don't. It sounds like OP's opinions and desires are going to consistently take a backseat to his FI's parents' opinions and desires. I mean, it's a wedding date. It can't possibly be more about him and FI and not their family, and she's letting them completely manipulate her into having the wedding when they want--and FFS, it doesn't even seem like THEY know what they want.

LoveMuffins · April 2011

Well, I agree with PPs about having an honest conversation with her... but something else you have to realize is that at the beginning of talking about the wedding planning with you, she may not have realized her parents would be able to help contribute and she may have thought to herself "well, we'll have a nice small wedding and that will be great, because i'm still marrying the man i love." But... once she found out taht she could have the bigger wedding, more money to spend on it, and the things that a lot of girls want even if we don't admit it... suddenly december started looking really good.

It sounds like you're assuming that she's been completely turned around by her parents, but how do you know she didn't want the other stuff to begin with, but was willing to go forward without it just to be with you? If you have an honest conversation with her, it shouldn't be just you pushing waht you want onto her either.

Also, just because her parents might effect her decisions, that doens't mean that they're wrong or even that she's tied by an umbilical cord. Some people just have really great relationships with their parents and like to go to them for advice, and if that advice makes sense, they'll take it. It sounds like her parents desire for you two to get married in December works out in 2 ways, on both a financially pleasing and emotionally pleasing level (1. they'll contribute and 2. it's emotionally significant since that's when you proposed). So don't just think that it's all her parents, it sounds like she's getting a lot of what she wants too.

Since you're in a long distance relationship, it's not surprising that they didn't want you to rush things by getting married in May. Granted, she could have stood up to them, but it's not like they were asking you two to wait an unreasonable length of time either.

So by all means, have that honest conversation with her, but if she says this is what she really wants, then you need to believe what she says and not insist that it's just her parents wishes.

redheadfsu · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-thoughts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2494cb1e-12a9-4753-953b-60fd74e2ec0dPost:8f869894-7c45-4f8d-839d-a097c73647d9">Re: Second thoughts.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Second thoughts..... : I appreciate your opinion. however, people aren't always expendable. sometimes it's worth the effort to address and face the issues. that's for OP to decide. CostaRica... you have a private message from me. if you don't know how to check it, look to the left on your side bar and click on Private Messages.
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]

People can only fix/save themselves. OP can't save his FI, only she can decide to save herself. (If she is abused, but with the limited info we have you are reading way too much into this). OP can't force her to stop being controlled. If he did he would then just take the place of her parents (again, if this is the issue).

dparisi · April 2011

Where will you be living after you are married?

costarica2011 · April 2011

Thanks to everyone who shared their opinion on my situation. I think it was most insightful and I'll be sure to take quite a bit of it into consideration. Main thing would be to talk things through and see where we go from there.
Thanks again.

costarica2011 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_second-thoughts-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:2494cb1e-12a9-4753-953b-60fd74e2ec0dPost:291384e8-88bd-464a-8098-11346eb38836">Re: Second thoughts.....</a>:
[QUOTE]Where will you be living after you are married?
Posted by dparisi[/QUOTE]

We'll be living where I am now.

Second thoughts.....

Re: Second thoughts.....

Choose Another Board

Search Boards