Air Force, Married young

marymonroe · June 2010

My fiance Kyle is leaving for the Air Force this August and we are hoping that October 5, 2011 will be our day, however the biggest problem we are having isn't with setting a date but with my family! Kyle will be 21 and I 20 when we marry and my family feels I am way too young to commit my life to him. His family coulns't be happier though. Financially, he and I are already great, we've been working 3 years and saving together. And emotionally and spiritually we have never been better thanks to our Christian pre-marital counselling. I have never loved someone so entirely and I am eagerly preparing to be his wife. So what's the fuss? I am finishing school while he's away and we plan on enjoying our marriage and careers for sometime before we start having children. Any support? Any ideas of how we could open up their eyes? Any opinions on our marriage?

-Maryann

jessiimae22 · June 2010

I feel your pain ! My Fiance will be 20 when we marry & I will be 18 . Both of our families do agree we are young , they couldn't be happier for us though . It is MY friends who feel that it isn't a good idea . Mainly because i will be moving halway across the country from them i think though . Although we have been together for five years & we have already went through a deployment & all the training , so i know what im getting into . I think as long as you both feel you are ready . and YOU yourself know that even on his long tours that you will stay true to him , then things will be just fine . Don't let people get you down . There will always be those people in life . Let your family know how you feel though , dont be upset or angry with them , it will only make the situation worse . I suggest if he has never been away on a tour from you though , you joing a support group for wives , girlfriend's , fiance's of your airman. It will greatly help . Best of luck !

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

Well, when you say things like, "I've never loved someone so entirely", and you've been together since you were 15/16, your family probably goes, "Duh. How could she? This is her first real relationship."

I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm truly not. I got married at 20, after never having loved someone so entirely, and the only difference was that it was my second serious relationship. I am now happily divorced, but I truly wish I had simply waited. Maybe I would've married the same guy, who knows? I do know that I am a million times not the same person I was at 20. I'm not even the same person I was at 23. Having the ability to be independent, having been financially independent, means that every marital choice I make is for the right reasons.

Young marriages are very difficult, far more so than young dating relationships. Military marriages are super difficult, and putting the two together means you'll have to work even harder. Good luck, stay with a long engagement (you don't have to JOP just because he's enlisting), and don't fault your family, they just want the best for you.

ETA: If that is your real name (MaryM...), delete this screenname and come back with a nickname that you don't use elsewhere on the internet. Creeps can stalk these boards too, they're totally public.

Mmfoote · June 2010

Hi! I am younger than you and going through the same thing! I am 18, will be 19 when im getting married and so will my boyfriend. He is in the Marines and his family is very excited for everything and my family is taking it very hard. They say im too young and that everyone grows up a lot more in their mid twenties, but we have thought it through and we both know this is what we want.

I told my parents quite a long time ago that i was getting married next year and since then things have got better. The only thing i can really say that helped me with my family is i proved to them that i am strong and making smart decisions and not rushing into everything. I told them the truth no matter how hard it is on all of us. They have helped me sooo much already and now it's much easier to talk to them about everything else. I think a lot of it is time. Let them think it over and realize this is what YOU and YOUR fiance want and sooner or later i think they will be excited with you.

Good luck and be strong! Military G/F/W have to stick together and be here for eachother!

iluvmytxrgr · June 2010

I got married when I was 20. I got divorced when I was 25. I can honestly say that I had no idea what love was when I got married. I thought I knew what it was to love and be loved. I was wrong!

I think you should step back and listen to what your family is telling you. Don't just hear them, listen to them. Talk to them about why they are feeling the way they do.

Being married isn't just playing house, especially when you throw in military life. Come lurk on the MN board on TN. Come read some of the things you will be dealing with. Click on the button in my siggy and read what is on the MN FAQ page. I know you think you know what you are getting into, please trust me when I say you have no idea. I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm being honest.

My H is only HOME 12-18 weeks out of every year. He works 12-15 hour days when he's home. He got shot while in Afghanistan almost 2 years ago. When he came home, I had to clean and dress his wounds everyday. I had to stare at the 3 inch long, 1 inch wide and 2 inch deep hole in his back and hear his moans when I had to clean it. I still can not stand the smell of a certain soap that I washed my hands with everytime because I associate it with that time. I had to bathe him, help him in the bathroom, dress him and do everything for him. I don't think I could have done that at 20. Just some stuff to think about.

Mmfoote · June 2010

Well, im reallysorry for all that you have been through but on the other hand there are many military couples out there who got married young and are still together 20 years later. And my boyfriend and i strive for that everyday. Thanks for your advice and food for thought but i guess i'm going to have to "learn the hard way" along with other girls like me. Again, i'm reallysorry for all you've been through and i hope you a stronger girl now from it all and thanks for telling me your story. Good luck to everyone marrying young!

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

There may be 'many' military couples who got married young and are still together, but junior enlisted marriages are the most likely to fail, and there are good reasons for that, besides the glaringly obvious lack of life experience due to age, but also the fact that boot camp and MOS school are things the service member should focus on COMPLETELY. The things a service member learns as E1/2/3 are among the most important things s/he will learn their entire military career.

There is a reason junior enlisted are supposed to live in the barracks, it inspires additional camaraderie and enforces discipline. Marriage disrupts that camaraderie, and sometimes, those bonds and attention to discipline are necessary in life threatening situations. A more seasoned service member can handle those situations better, s/he is more equipped. But very few young service members are emotionally prepared to handle both the military and a family. And very few young military spouses are prepared to handle being second to the military, which they always will and must be.

The acceptance of young marriage is only in military culture (and occasionally some religiously conservative segments of society). It is highly likely that your young marriages will fail. I blame the Department of Defense, to be honest. A service member used to have to get permission to get married. I think the military, the mission, and service members would be better served if service members had to live in the barracks, with no BAH, until they were at least NCOs. They should prove that they are capable of being leaders in the military before the DOD pays them to be leaders of a family. If they want to be married, I do not believe the military should give them financial incentive to do so. Living in the barracks, they are provided for in food and shelter. If they wanted to send all their salary home to their wife, good to go, but they shouldn't get paid to make risky life choices. Not only would this eliminate the fraudulent marriages, but it would eliminate a lot of poorly thought out real marriages.

ETA: Much like a single service member of a higher rank must apply for BAH, a junior enlisted married service member could apply to live off base, like in the old days. Then, his/her seniors could make the determination based on the service member's personal abilities, and maturity. To clarify, I'm simply saying an across the board endorsement of young marriages has hurt the military, and it has hurt service members.

iluvmytxrgr · June 2010

ITA

temerityjane · June 2010

I don't know your individual situation and there are always exceptions to every rule. However, remember that young marriages are extremely common in the military for many reasons that are hard to see when you're in that situation yourself. Also, remember that the divorce rate for the military is SIGNIFICANTLY higher than that of the general population.

Among my and my fiance's friends here on base, we know one 20 year old whose divorce was just final, a 22 year old who has been divorced a year and a 21 year old in the process of getting divorced.

I know you guys are positive that you're different, but maturity includes considering all of these facts as well.

jbtigger06 · June 2010

I wish you all the luck with your marriage. Yes its going to be hard since he might be gone a lot. My FI and I are both in the AF and im currently deployed planning our July wedding. Im not going to lie its tough but we made it through this deployment and im coming home very soon. We are just a little older im 22 and my FI is 25 but we've been dating almost 3 years. I you just have to have faith and know that you cant give up the second things get hard. GOOD LUCK girl...

JMU_Bride09 · June 2010

I don't think age matters. What matters is your commitment to each other and understanding of the life you are about to enter. I would suggest going through a deployment before you get married. Im not saying you should wait to plan, but hold off on the actual wedding until after your FI's first deployment. It will give you an idea of what your military life will be like. And understand that people will worry for good reason. Do not rush into any major decisions. Have a long engagement and make sure to think rationally. That will give your family reason to believe that you are making a serious and not immature decision. And, if along the way, you realize that it's not right for you, then you can both move on in your lives without having to worry about a divorce. Hopefully, that won't happen, and the long engagement/deployment will only strengthen your relationship. Good luck and congratulations

jessiimae22 · June 2010

JMU_bride -

thank you !
i completely agree with you . yes i know that marriages are hard , the military makes it harder . but i dont think half of these women should be bashing this girl . ultimately it is her decision w/ whatever she decides to do . yes , half of them have been through some pretty tough situations & walked away differently . but maybe they made an irrational decision that led them to that . i have faith in my own marriage that it will work . i have made it through basic , airborne & a deployment & i still love my FI . & this whole situation had strengthened & brought us even closer . i agree , there will be marriages that fail . but just because the percentage rate for military marriages & young marriages are higher . doesnt mean that every single one of us will fall into that category . i say good luck to you OP !

HeatherJ10 · June 2010

I was 22 when I got married and my ex-husband was 24 and even then we were very young. I had several people tell me that I was too young to get married and in hindsight it is really easy looking back on it that I had a lot to learn. Just a little over two years later I am happily divorced and about to get married again with a whole different perspective on life. Looking back on the decision I made, I wouldn't change it simply because of someone else's opinion. The best thing that you can do is take their opinions in to consideration and be aware of everything. In the end you are the one with the final say on when you will get married. Nothing anyone says will change your mind and it is a decision that you two need to make as responsible adults.
I agree with many of the women on hear that you should definitely go through a deployment before you get married though, simply because it is one of the hardest things you will ever do. My fiance and I fell in love over the internet, literally, because we were forced to find things to talk about in order to spend time with one another. The phrase distance makes the heart grow fonder, I whole heartedly believe in.
I wish you the best of luck and know that no matter what you decide it will be a hard decision, but in the end everything has it's way of working out.
Best Wishes! ~Heather

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_air-force-married-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3833b28e-8043-4b1f-b758-aaf57aaf2420Post:9df34a1f-d5a7-4231-b6a4-e665fcc38045">Re: Air Force, Married young</a>:
[QUOTE]JMU_bride - thank you ! i completely agree with you . yes i know that marriages are hard , the military makes it harder . but i dont think half of these women should be bashing this girl . ultimately it is her decision w/ whatever she decides to do . yes , half of them have been through some pretty tough situations & walked away differently . but maybe they made an irrational decision that led them to that . i have faith in my own marriage that it will work . i have made it through basic , airborne & a deployment & i still love my FI . & this whole situation had strengthened & brought us even closer . i agree , there will be marriages that fail . but just because the percentage rate for military marriages & young marriages are higher . doesnt mean that every single one of us will fall into that category . i say good luck to you OP !
Posted by jessiimae22[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm not bashing anyone.

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Tink1704 · June 2010

My husband married young and got divorced less than a year later. Then at 28 he met me. He had just joined the AF and I had been in the Marines for 2 years. I was 24 and he 28. We dated. He left for Iraq and came back last year. We emailed the whole time he was gone. He came back and we picked up where we left off after 2 months he popped the question. Then I found out I was getting deployed. We have already gotten married and are planning our wedding with family and friends but I have to say that as a 26 and 30 year old couple its still hard!! There are sooo many aspects to a marriage and evn tougher when 1 or BOTH are military. Just make sure its not for the status of being married to a man in uniform. Thats the wrong reason and I know soooo many who did that and got divorced because they couldnt handle sharing his attention with something that ultimately comes before her.

jessiimae22 · June 2010

I am not marrying my FI just for the status of being married into the military . I loved my FI way before he even joined the army . I know there are girls out there who do this for the benefits & what not , but i am NOT one of those girls . If i was , i would have given up on this within the first few months of his deployment . I understand thats its going to be hard , but my FI doesnt plan on making a career out of it . He is going to serve his time & be done . I just think that some people blame the army for thier marriages failing . If it was really love to begin with , before the military , then it should still be love , IN & AFTER the military . I thank you ladies for sharing your stories , & i dont know about OP , but . i am going to marry my FI regaurdless of this conversation . the military has not , & will not change my love for him .

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_air-force-married-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3833b28e-8043-4b1f-b758-aaf57aaf2420Post:345291bf-3418-4f82-ac8c-2eade9a81153">Re: Air Force, Married young</a>:
[QUOTE] the military has not , & will not change my love for him .
Posted by jessiimae22[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Look, no one is saying every young couple will get divorced, or every young military couple will get divorced. It's blanket statements like the quoted that cause people to shake their heads. It's nice to be idealistic about that, but the truth is, who knows? I promise, most of us who got married young and are divorced thought similar things. None of got married thinking it was temporary.</div><div>
</div><div>All anyone is saying is that growing up a little, living independently (not with mom/dad/bf/fi/h), getting an education, etc. can only strengthen someone, and two strong people, who are capable of living independently, who don't *need* each other, but want each other, make for a very solid marriage.
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jessiimae22 · June 2010

& i understand that they are saying that ,
but i dont think that everyone should be so negative .
& to your making a strong marriage requirements
i dont still live with my parents, & he hasnt lived with his parents for two years .
im a pre-med student for crying outloud ,
i dont "need" someone .
but i definately want him .

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_air-force-married-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3833b28e-8043-4b1f-b758-aaf57aaf2420Post:c1136b0d-4020-44f1-884e-6455117abdbe">Re: Air Force, Married young</a>:
[QUOTE]& i understand that they are saying that , but i dont think that everyone should be so negative . & to your making a strong marriage requirements i dont still live with my parents, & he hasnt lived with his parents for two years . im a pre-med student for crying outloud , i dont "need" someone . but i definately want him .
Posted by jessiimae22[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, if you're a pre-med student, then good to go. Thank God you're not a Sociology major!</div>

kyrgyzstan · June 2010

Also, living in the bricks or a college dorm is not the same thing as living in your own place, paying your own rent. If you're working your way through college, and your parents aren't paying for it, you might be a bit more mature than an average teenager. But I would still advocate waiting until you are at least in grad school.

Have you thought about what's going to happen if you PCS to a place with no university with your program, or if the program is not a program that will get you into a decent med school? Will you stay at the same school even if it means an LDR with your H, which is different than it is with your bf/fi.

Spunkchin · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_air-force-married-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3833b28e-8043-4b1f-b758-aaf57aaf2420Post:0201cf33-7047-4802-a60c-9a3c75de462c">Re: Air Force, Married young</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Air Force, Married young : Well, if you're a pre-med student, then good to go. Thank God you're not a Sociology major!
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

Hahaha!!

jessiimae22 · June 2010

haha , definately not a soc major !
but , im not living in dorms , or having my parents pay my way through college .
i am working through it myself .

i have thought about if he gets moved to a base where the local colleges dont have pre med , & if that happens , i will figure out the situation then , but its not something that is going to tear my marriage up .

Des.and.Age08 · June 2010

Young? Im 18 and my fiance is 21. He is currentlydeployed and we are planning to be married may 21,2011. Our family's couldn't be happier! My family loves the fact that he is in the military and has a plan. If anything they should be happy he has his head straight. Honestly, if you love him don't let your family get in the way of what you two want. If there at your wedding cool! If not Oh well It's you and him after that no one else. Just do what you want not what others want you to do. If you need to talk just let me know, me and my fiance have gone throu similar problems. -Des

klw304 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_air-force-married-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3833b28e-8043-4b1f-b758-aaf57aaf2420Post:345291bf-3418-4f82-ac8c-2eade9a81153">Re: Air Force, Married young</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not marrying my FI just for the status of being married into the military . I loved my FI way before he even joined the army . I know there are girls out there who do this for the benefits & what not , but i am NOT one of those girls . If i was , i would have given up on this within the first few months of his deployment . I understand thats its going to be hard , but <strong>my FI doesnt plan on making a career out of it . He is going to serve his time & be done .</strong> I just think that some people blame the army for thier marriages failing . If it was really love to begin with , before the military , then it should still be love , IN & AFTER the military . I thank you ladies for sharing your stories , & i dont know about OP , but . i am going to marry my FI regaurdless of this conversation . the military has not , & will not change my love for him .
Posted by jessiimae22[/QUOTE]<div>
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</div><div>I just want to make sure you know that even once you complete your military contract, you can still be called back to a deployment. A friend of mine was an officer for 8 years stationed in Germany. She came home once she was out of the army, worked in NYC financial district for a year....and is getting deployed to Iraq in 2 weeks. The military owns you for life once you're in.

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jessiimae22 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_air-force-married-young?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3833b28e-8043-4b1f-b758-aaf57aaf2420Post:9513db21-0e65-440c-a8de-472fdec35fec">Re: Air Force, Married young</a>:
[QUOTE]Young? Im 18 and my fiance is 21. He is currentlydeployed and we are planning to be married may 21,2011. Our family's couldn't be happier! My family loves the fact that he is in the military and has a plan. If anything they should be happy he has his head straight. Honestly, if you love him don't let your family get in the way of what you two want. If there at your wedding cool! If not Oh well It's you and him after that no one else. Just do what you want not what others want you to do. If you need to talk just let me know, me and my fiance have gone throu similar problems. -Des
Posted by Des.and.Age08[/QUOTE]

good luck with your marriage !
& don't worry , im not letting anyone get in the way ,
it was never the family .
it was just "friends" as some people would call them .

marymonroe · June 2010

Hey everyone!

Thanks for the support and the advice! Kyle and I have been working so very hard on deciding when the wedding should be. And I think it's a great idea to wait and see how things are when he is gone, but I am certain he and I will make it no matter the choice we make.The more we talk with his family AND mine, the easier it is to step back and not make haste of our decision. We want this to work, and knowingwe have support from friends family and fellow military peers, has been putting my worries at ease. He and I both have looked at the facts, and put our hearts in God's hands. I wish the best of luck to all of you especially women of my age! Things work out when you work on them.

marymonroe · June 2010

its awesome to finally have some support from people going through what I am going through! I've been letting my outside pressures take away from what I'm really doing in Marriage, enjoying a life long celebration with the man I love.
Its great to see you so joyful and excited as I am. I coulnd't be happier for you!

jessiimae22 · June 2010

You go girl !
Putting it in God's hands is the best thing you can do !
I have faith , that you guys will work out !
& i can tell , that you love your FI ,
just as i love mine .
us young girls,
we gotta stick together (: lol .

marymonroe · June 2010

Yeah Girl!
I think we're the lucky ones because we get to spend our Whole Lives with the one man we love instead of searching halfway through. I am so blessed to have Ky and you are so blessed to have Your FI, i got your back. good luck with the planning!

marymonroe · June 2010

Thats the best advice anyone has ever given me. Thank you for the support, my FI and I are seriously considering a long engagement now and I think it would be best emotionally, financially and spiritually.

jessiimae22 · June 2010

Great girl !
Thank you ,
im glad i could be of help !
& if you need anything ,
im here !
good luck with everything !

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