My clock is ticking!

wadergirl · July 2010

So, my S.O. and I have been together now for 4 years. It still seems like only yesterday, and at the same time feels like its been forever. But I'm the traditional kind of girl who thinks that not only does the man have to ask the woman, he also has to ask her parents (in this case, just my mom).

Now he was always the very un-traditional kind of guy, where marriage wasn't necessary and had a "wife" for almost 14 years (they would have been Common-Law, if WI had a Common-Law law). Now they've been split up for 8 years or so now, but he still didn't consider himself the marrying type.

Once we finally got together (after about 2 years of being just acquaintances) he says that he thinks he'd finally like to get married. We've talked about it many times, and the babies afterwards (we are both in agreement on the marriage before babies front). But we've been talking about it for almost 3 years now, and we're still nowhere. Now my I can hear my clock ticking. I feel like if we are going to do this, we need to get the show on the road.

Ready for the twist? We have an extreme age gap. He's 24 years my senior to be exact (with birthdays coming up, I will be 26 and he will be 50). Part of the problem is that I have always wanted to start my family by the time I was 24-25 so I would not have the same emotional gap between me and my kids that I had with my mom (who was 36 when she had me). Part of the problem is that... well, he's on the other end of the spectrum. While I don't think he'd have an emotional gap, so to speak, he would definitely have a physical (I mean in that even if we had a baby TODAY, he would be almost 70 when the child graduates high school). Now we both know and understand and have talked about it, but not to be silly, time is running out.

I'm really sensitive towards not trying to pressure him into something he doesn't want, but I'm not quite sure how to handle it anymore. Would switching the roles and asking him work? I think he'd be open to it and would say Yes if I did, but its so WEIRD to me.

Ok, now that I'm done getting it all out of my system, I guess I'm posting hoping for some emotional support. I don't need anyone freaking out over the age gap and telling me about my daddy issues (I've been in therapy enough, thanks, I know what my issues are) or anything like that... just, I don't know, what would you do?

Cosmocity · July 2010

If talking with him has got you nowhere I'd ask him so at least you're out of your misery and know where he stands. What will you do if he says no? You must do what makes you happy dear!

oceana919 · July 2010

Well, I was going to bite my lip and be polite and not say anything until you proceeded to instruct us on what exact kind of response you were expecting from us.

A bit of friendly web forum advice - don't do that. It's just rude. If you come and post on an international web forum asking for advice, you have to be willing to get it all. When you tell people that they can't respond with a particular response, it makes them all the more inclined to post just that...

That being said...

You want to know what I would do? I wouldn't be with a guy that is old enough to be our future spawn's grandfather.

At the age of 50, he should be capable of sitting down and having an adult conversation with you about a timeline in which you see a marriage and children happening. If he's not, then perhaps you should consider yourself CL Wife #2, or move on.

rickylee244 · July 2010

So you dont want to hear about the age gap (well you will since you asked) - Oceana said it so I dont have to.

Also, if he wasn't the marrying type before and it seems that he has been stringing you along for three years with discussion of marraige ... you may want to sit down with the guy and find out what his time line of the relationship is (within reason). If he doesn't have one, or is not willing to discuss that with you, you can probably bet that he is still not the marrying type. Just saying

loopy82 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:53d79bde-be5a-464b-b3d1-0c649bf1910e">My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my S.O. and I have been together now for 4 years. It still seems like only yesterday, and at the same time feels like its been forever. But I'm the traditional kind of girl who thinks that not only does the man have to ask the woman, he also has to ask her parents (in this case, just my mom). Now he was always the very un-traditional kind of guy, where marriage wasn't necessary and had a "wife" for almost 14 years (they would have been Common-Law, if WI had a Common-Law law). Now they've been split up for 8 years or so now, but he still didn't consider himself the marrying type. Once we finally got together (after about 2 years of being just acquaintances) he says that he thinks he'd finally like to get married. We've talked about it many times, and the babies afterwards (we are both in agreement on the marriage before babies front). But we've been talking about it for almost 3 years now, and we're still nowhere. Now my I can hear my clock ticking. I feel like if we are going to do this, we need to get the show on the road. Ready for the twist? We have an extreme age gap. He's 24 years my senior to be exact (with birthdays coming up, I will be 26 and he will be 50). Part of the problem is that I have always wanted to start my family by the time I was 24-25 so I would not have the same emotional gap between me and my kids that I had with my mom (who was 36 when she had me). Part of the problem is that... well, he's on the other end of the spectrum. While I don't think he'd have an emotional gap, so to speak, he would definitely have a physical (I mean in that even if we had a baby TODAY, he would be almost 70 when the child graduates high school). Now we both know and understand and have talked about it, but not to be silly, time is running out. I'm really sensitive towards not trying to pressure him into something he doesn't want, but I'm not quite sure how to handle it anymore. Would switching the roles and asking him work? I think he'd be open to it and would say Yes if I did, but its so WEIRD to me. Ok, now that I'm done getting it all out of my system, I guess I'm posting hoping for some emotional support. I don't need anyone freaking out over the age gap and telling me about my daddy issues (I've been in therapy enough, thanks, I know what my issues are) or anything like that... just, I don't know, what would you do?
Posted by wadergirl[/QUOTE]

Time for what? For him to be a young dad? For you to conceive a child? If its the later you have ample time. I'm 28 and don't hear any clocks ticking yet. Your eggs don't expire when you hit 30. If its that important that you have kids like yesterday then you should probably talk to him and see what his plan is. Does he want kids? You said you two agree about marriage before children, but other than that it sounds like this is just all about the children you want. Being 50, does he want to start a family now?

notquiteblushing · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:53d79bde-be5a-464b-b3d1-0c649bf1910e">My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE] just, I don't know, what would you do?
Posted by wadergirl[/QUOTE]

I would break up with him. That's my totally honest and unflitered advice and I'm sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" />

jeanacorina · July 2010

I doubt the emotional gap you sense between yourself and your mother has much to do with age. Just something to ponder on, I guess.

I'm going to ignore the age gap, mostly because I know most other people won't and you'll get plenty on that subject without me harping on it. I'm sure you already have. And at the end of the day, you need to do what's right for yourself. I don't necessarily know what that is.

However, what I do know is that the very core of any good, solid relationship is the ability to talk. To communicate. To be heard, and to hear the other person, and to actually understand each other. LISTEN to each other. Something is missing here. One of you isn't really understanding and listening to the other. You don't seem to have any idea where your relationship stands or what to expect or when (not even a ballpark, right?).

You've got to do the tough thing- sit him down and say "What is going on? What happens next? When does that happen? Where do you see yourself two/five/ten/twenty years from now? How do I fit in? What are your goals, and how do you plan to reach them? What can I do to help?"

I mean, ALL of that. Forget the wedding. Just throw that out the window right now. No wedding, pretend you'll just be doing the bare minimum (courthouse or private religious ceremony, whichever is the minimum to you... no frills, no guests). Imagine that. Now, are you still excited? When would you want to do that? When will you really, honestly, be READY to do that, even if it meant just saying the words and signing the papers, just to be his wife?

When do you want to start a family? When will you actually be READY to do so? Are children a deal-breaker? Is starting a family within a certain amount of time very important to you? Why?

Tell him whatever answer you come up with. You don't really need to tell me. I don't care. I'm nobody. Tell HIM. Because he's the person you say you want to be with for the rest of your lives. He deserves to know what you really want, and he deserves to have you hear what he wants. Ask him to tell you, and LISTEN.

Then, figure out what sort of choices and timeline work for both of you. If communication comes first, compromise is a close second. The trick is compromising in a way that both people are happy and fulfilled, not resentful.

Best of luck.

Simply Fated · July 2010

Your clock is ticking... and you're 25? If you were 50 and he was 26 I'd understand what you meant, but your clock is just fine.
HIS biological clock I can understand. The older he gets, the more difficult it's going to become when the child is older. So he gets my sympathy. You get none.

You knew what you were getting into before your relationship hit the 4 year mark, correct? I'm sorry if you thought it would be different "this time". I know he said he'd change, but so do a lot of people. This isn't, like, he left his dirty socks on the floor, but he says he'll change his habits regarding dirty laundry.
Marriage is a life changing event. Some people just aren't into it.

4 years is hardly long in the grand scheme of things.

And you can still be very close to your child, even with a larger age gap.
That makes no sense to me.
You can be 25 with a 49 year old... and have a perfectly loving relationship, but you worry about the age gap between you and your child? lolwut?

I'm glad you got a chance to vent. My advice... what I would do? Relax. You're still young.
I would talk to him, though. Don't nag him, but just sit down and let him know that you are ready to start the marriage process and ask what he thinks about that. I think you need to make sure you are both on the same page.

Lisa8888 · July 2010

He was honest with you right from the beginning. He doesn't want to get married. His actions back that up. You are dreaming if you think he wants to get married. If he wanted to marry you, he would have asked long ago.

If you can be happy the way things are, that's fine. But if you really want to get married and have children...find a new guy and stop wasting your time with him. 50 is really to old to become a dad. Think of the child. It's just not fair to the child.

honeybee724 · July 2010

Everything Jeana said.

bethsmiles · July 2010

If it were me, I would probably just end the relationship. I would want to be with someone who wanted to get married and wanted to have kids FOR SURE...for me its not up for compromise.

Acrosthec · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:47a6d26c-2781-41d3-b472-98d095f1ae98">Re: My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]If it were me, I would probably just end the relationship. I would want to be with someone who wanted to get married and wanted to have kids FOR SURE...for me its not up for compromise.
Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

This. Not wanting kids is a deal-breaker for me. I could never be with someone who was not open about his timeline for marriage and a family.

You need to try and talk to him about his life goals and what his timeline is. If you believe him, and are happy with what he says, then try and stick it out. If you won't be happy with his idea of a future timeline, you should end it and find someone more compatible with what will make you happy.

FWIW, while he is a little old to be starting a family, you are not too old. I agree with whoever said your eggs don't expire at 30. I am almost 29 and plan to start TTC shortly after our wedding next month. Chances are I will be in my 30s and still having children unless we have twins the first time around, because we would like to have two kids minimum. Also, my mother was 31 when she had me. We had issues when I was in highschool, but as soon as I moved out and got a job and supported myself, it was like she magically changed and now she's one of my best friends. I doubt the "age gap" with you and your mother is really the source of any issues there, but I don't know your situation so maybe I'm incorrect. It's just a hunch I have.

Whatever you decide about your BF, good luck.

wadergirl · July 2010

Hmm... Its rude to ask for moral support? Weird.

Anyway, I'm at work so I don't have time to reply in too much but I did want to say thanks especially to Jeana. Good advice and presented in a way that really made sense to me. Thank you.

oceana919 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:40456347-3c95-49c5-ba80-45939aaf25da">Re: My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmm... Its rude to ask for moral support? Weird.
Posted by wadergirl[/QUOTE]

Absolutely not. It is rude to state what kind of responses are welcome/expected, and which ones are not. Particularly when you're new to a board. Just sayin'.

sapphirebaby926 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:40456347-3c95-49c5-ba80-45939aaf25da">Re: My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmm... Its rude to ask for moral support? Weird. Anyway, I'm at work so I don't have time to reply in too much but I did want to say thanks especially to Jeana. Good advice and presented in a way that really made sense to me. Thank you.
Posted by wadergirl[/QUOTE]

No it's rude to dictate how we are going to respond to you. You specifically said 'don't talk about our age gap'! If we want to respond thinking it's weird we will.

I don't understand how your biological clock is ticking - you're only 26 you have plenty of time to get pregnant and start a family. He on the other hand does not because of his age. You are both adults so you should be capable of having a sit down adult conversation about where your relationlship is headed.

Honestly he's coming on 50 and he's never been the marrying type before - he proved that by having a common-law wife for 14 years. - what makes you think that's going to change now? Some people never want to get married and have a family and that's just how they are. It seems you do not fall into that category but he might.

If he decides he doesn't want to have kids is that a dealbreaker for you? It was for me so DH and I discussed marriage and kids in general terms very early on in our relationship - it wasn't worth it to me to be with him if we didn't have the same goals on these 2 things.

If I was in your situation I'd probably end the relationship but that being said I doubt I'd be in this kind of relationship anyway - the age gap is weird to me and I don't think I could ever find myself interested romantically with someone who was almost twice my age.

**Mutley** · July 2010

I'm glad that you ladies covered everything I wanted to say. It is too early on a Monday for me to respond nicely.

Main Points:
1. People rarely change what they want out of life. And at 50, he is not going to morph into the marrying-settling-down-with-my-little-family type of guy. You are kidding yourself to think otherwise.

2. Get out of the relationship.

3. Your ovaries are not a ticking time bomb. You CAN get out of this relationship and find the right man for you. Finding the right man, who has the same life goals as you, is more important than some arbitrary timeline you think you need to follow.

hetshup · July 2010

I am completely without morals, so I'm not so much for the moral support. Plus, I have so much going on right now that your problem is small to me. Ditto Mutley and NQB (Who should ABB, Already blushed bride), cut your losses and go. I'm 26, there is no ticking, you will be fine. Unless you woke up in the morning feelin like P Diddy.

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

I just want to say that my mother was 38 when she had me (and I wasn't an 'accident baby,' as many people thought for years) and we have a great relationship. So that's kind of bogus, imo.

PPs have said everything that I could think of saying. I'm just kind of shocked that you started dating this man when he was 46 and you were 20. Ick.

dwest2201 · July 2010

I did not read all the PP's responses, but the original post leaves me one question...

You believe that the age difference between your mother and yourself caused an emotional gap, yet your BF is not a whole lot younger than her? This is confusing to me.

Also, you asked what I would do... simply put I would never date someone who is that much older than me, I find it replusive. However, if I was dating someone and was ready to settle down and they were not I would move on.

heyimbren · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:30641fdf-aae1-4d9c-b9b9-a0e4d49c6103">Re: My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]You believe that the age difference between your mother and yourself caused an emotional gap, yet your BF is not a whole lot younger than her? This is confusing to me. Posted by dwest2201[/QUOTE]

THIS. that's exactly what i was going to ask. i don't follow the logic behind your mother being 36 years older than you and having an "emotional gap" but your BF having around 24 years of a gap. age doesn't have to create a gap. but that's not what you're asking our opinion on sooo....

i agree with PP who said you need to sit down and talk to him about it. if you decide that you really do want to marry him more than anything, then i like your idea of proposing to him.

i understand that ideally you would like him to have proposed to you, but if the timeline matters so much to you then this is something you can try to take control of by discussing it with him, and then proposing if that is what you wish.

if after the discussion or proposal, he says he doesn't want to get married then you make a different decision: to stay with him without marriage or to move on.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

1. When someone tells you upfront that they want or don't want x, listen to them. They are telling the truth. Later in life, they will bring this up again. As in, "Well I TOLD you when we met that I wasn't the marrying type." They say things like this so you don't get your hopes up.

2. Does HE want children? I'm confused. I find it hard to believe you've been in a 4 year relationship and never discussed that. FIa and I have been together for 3 years and we know how many kids we want to have, on what kind of timeline, and even possible names of children.

3. If he doesn't want children, are you okay with that? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him, regardless of other circumstances? Or are you really looking for a sperm source? Would you be willing to marry anyone at this point to father your children so you can maintain some false "schedule" in your head? I'm getting the feeling this is sort of the case here. If it is, RUN. Find someone who does have the same goals as you and don't give yourself a deadline. When it's right, it's right.

4. Are you two prepared for marriage and children emotionally and financially? Room in your home, savings, healthcare, a plan for parenting? Flexible careers or the ability for one parent to stay home? Reliable child care?

TALK about this. Let us know how it goes.

oceana919 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:9b8654c7-a91f-4c63-99ad-0094fc96dbf6">Re: My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My clock is ticking! : THIS. that's exactly what i was going to ask. i don't follow the logic behind your mother being 36 years older than you and having an "emotional gap" but your BF having around 24 years of a gap. age doesn't have to create a gap. but that's not what you're asking our opinion on sooo.... i agree with PP who said you need to sit down and talk to him about it. if you decide that you really do want to marry him more than anything, then i like your idea of proposing to him. i understand that ideally you would like him to have proposed to you, but if the timeline matters so much to you then this is something you can try to take control of by discussing it with him, and then proposing if that is what you wish. if after the discussion or proposal, he says he doesn't want to get married then you make a different decision: to stay with him without marriage or to move on.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Actually, from what I gathered, she feels a 36-year age difference creates a gap in understanding between parent and child, but a gap of 50+ years won't.

::facepalm::

PaigeMcC · July 2010

This thread hurts my head.

heyimbren · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:73708c84-0719-4b45-bc90-7c10817eee6b">Re: My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My clock is ticking! : Actually, from what I gathered, she feels a 36-year age difference creates a gap in understanding between parent and child, but a gap of 50+ years won't. ::facepalm::
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

oooh that one hadn't even crossed my mind yet.
either way, that logic just doesn't make sense.

jeanacorina · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:58eb7c1c-c624-4da9-a132-cdbeddc126f9">Re: My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My clock is ticking! : Also, my mother was 31 when she had me. We had issues when I was in highschool, but as soon as I moved out and got a job and supported myself, it was like she magically changed and now she's one of my best friends.
Posted by Acrosthec[/QUOTE]

Okay, I need to say that I have the EXACT same summary of my relationship with my mom- grew up feeling really close to her, hit my teen years and we were worst enemies. Moved out, and by my mid-twenties we're best friends and call each other almost every day just to chat about whatever. She had me when she was 24.

It's not the age difference than caused the gap with your mom. So please don't use that as an excuse to jump into motherhood. Really slow down and consider it. You're not old. 30 is perfectly reasonable these days.

loopy82 · July 2010

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-its-birthday_.0

This tells me that I think you need to mature before having children.

bethsmiles · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:434b6c65-f54c-4c6b-828d-a4c2ffbcd93d">Re: My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-its-birthday_.0" rel="nofollow">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_but-its-birthday_.0</a> This tells me that I think you need to mature before having children.
Posted by loopy82[/QUOTE]

This is that girl?! Wow...I remember that post. Yeah maturing is definitely needed here.

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

That thread is unbelievable. Anyone else get the image of Veruca Salt whining and stomping her foot, "But I want it NOW!"

Anyone?

dwest2201 · July 2010

Good find Loopy... and please for your sake and your potential child(ren) grow the eff up first! Yikes!

bethsmiles · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_clock-ticking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:9f20f47f-f470-4268-a9cf-166eafe3f5fbPost:70c40b65-cb6c-43ad-9ed0-47c5c7bc3847">Re: My clock is ticking!</a>:
[QUOTE]That thread is unbelievable. Anyone else get the image of Veruca Salt whining and stomping her foot, "But I want it NOW!" Anyone?
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

hahaha...yes perfect description! Although I like to picture her entire song...everything is totally funnier in song :)

run21 · July 2010

Run. It will keep your ovaries from spontaneously combusting at 27.

My clock is ticking!

Re: My clock is ticking!

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