Anyone else dealing with this?

kakashikage · July 2010

Ok, I've never posted on a message board before, but this is an issue that my boyfriend and I have been discussing for weeks and I'm just not sure what to do or how I feel about it. He spends a lot of time looking at pictures of attractive girls on the Internet. Not naked or anything of the sort, just hot girls. I didn't think I was bothered by this, and he explained that men "just need variety" and that it was not because I lacked anything. I just want to know, how many other girls out there have had to deal with this issue with their boyfriends? Is this really a universal man problem or is he just feeding me a line here? I don't like it and I wish he'd stop, and he says he's trying to, but I just want to be sure I'm not asking for the impossible. Please feel free to contribute advice even if you haven't dealt with this problem yourself. Thank you!

Muffin'sMom · July 2010

I think it would depend on the intensity of the "looking". I've been married 30 years and am perfectly comfortable admitting that I drool over pictures of David Beckem and Patrick Dempsey. My husband thinks that the only reason to watch Top Chef is to gaze at Padma. We are also comfortable seeing someone on the street and saying...wow,that's hot even at our age. That being said, we do not troll the internet looking for pictures of them. If he is sitting on the computer and that's what he's doing...for me it's a problem.

Narwhal · July 2010

I think that the whole "men need variety" is a line that men use to justify themselves doing something that they know they shouldn't be doing. It's the classic "but everyone does it, so I don't have a problem."

Are these celebrities or just everyday women?

If he is really trying (like honestly trying) and still can't stop, I suggest counseling for the both of you. Anything like this can become an addiction, even if it isn't porn. If he wants to stop but is unable to and it is really bothering you, then counseling should be a top priority, in my opinion.

I don't have a problem with my boyfriend seeing a chick who he finds attractive. He often points out if a girl had her boobies on display. We laugh about it. But I know he's just playing around and would stop if it started to bother me.

Have a serious conversation with him about this, don't just mention it in passing. Be honest with him. Say you don't like that he does it and how it makes you feel. The best way to do this is to point the conversation to you instead of to him. For example, say something like "It really bothers me when you look at these pictures on the internet" instead of "You looking at pictures of girls on the internet bothers me." The latter is more likely to be interpreted as accusatory because of how it starts with "you" instead of "I." You'd be surprised at the difference it makes. Just approach the subject calmly, but don't waver with him. Be stern with how you feel, but remember to reflect back on yourself instead of on him.

ETA: If he really wants to change, then suggesting counseling shouldn't be a problem for him. If he bucks at it, there might be a more pressing underlying issue. Keep us posted!

bethsmiles · July 2010

I don't mind if we are watching a movie or t.v. show and BF comments that a girl is hot, there are celb. guys I drool over...its no big deal. but if he were just sitting on the internet looking at random hot girls I would not be ok with it. I mostly just think its weird and I don't buy the "guys need variety" line. It just seems like an excuse. I think you really need to have a discussion with him about this. Let him know how much it bothers you.

I've never seen my BF check out other girls. He doesn't even notice when girls flirt with him. He is just that kind of guy I guess. So I've never had this kind of issue but I think Narwhal's advice was really good. You should listen to her.

kakashikage · July 2010

Update: Ok, I talked to him about it and he's willing to stop, now that he can see how much it hurts me.

Narwhal · July 2010

Continue to keep an eye on him.

GreenPepperBurger · July 2010

I would try and monitor his behavior after that talk, but don't make it so obvious. Don't breathe down his neck and be an "annoying mommy" type, because that'll just make matters worse. GL.

hetshup · July 2010

That's great!!

Sometimes guys need a kick in the head, but like Narwhal said, keep an eye on him. There are times where this is a legit concern, and if that's the case, you want to keep it nipped in the bud.

To answer your orginal question, FI will watch porn sometimes, I don't care, but he would prefer to have video of us. I would rather not have that kind of thing in the world. ya know?

catemeg · July 2010

I think Narwhal's advice was dead on. Most guys respond to hot women, but not all of them seek them out on the internet, nor do they spend considerable amounts of time doing so. It's not okay because you're not comfortable with it. It may be some form of addiction if he has trouble stopping, so counseling would definitely be a good recommendation.

You asked what our guys did - my guy doesn't really respond to hot women beyond just casual appreciation. Similar to Hetsup's guy, he'll watch porn once in awhile but really prefers just being with me.

I think you're responding reasonably - it's not like you're freaking out about him watching porn once in a blue moon, or mentioning that Megan Fox is hot. This is something that's in your day-to-day life. I'm glad he responded that he'll stop, but definitely talk to him about it if you see him doing it again - he might just try to hide it, thinking if you don't see it then it won't bother you.

loves2shop4shoes · July 2010

To add my two cents, BF is very respectful of me. I'm sure he will notice a pretty girl when I'm not around, but he will NEVER blatantly check out a girl in front of me. I've never noticed him looking at another girl actually. Usually it's me that comments, "Did you see the boobs on those legs, Jesus!" Haha.

As for porn, we got into a few fights about it very early on in our relationship. I kinda freaked out when I realized he watched it occasionally. (I'm kind of a prude, I think porn is extremely demeaning to women and I don't like it.) After I talked to my brother about it, I realized that this is just something that the majority of men do and it's not in any way a reflection of their satisfaction of the relationship--it's a fantasy. So, after I apologized to BF for ripping his head off, he offered to stop, but ended up putting his porn under hidden folders in the computer.

Well, when I found out, I LOST it. I mean, really LOST it. I told him that if he wants to occasionally look at porn, as long as he doesn't make me watch it & as long as it's not all the time, I don't care...but how DARE he lie to me about it. I then told him that if he wanted a relationship in which he planned on lying to his GF in order to avoid ever upsetting her, he should find another GF. He apologized profusely, I cried, then I tied him to the bed (literally, ha) and we had a very serious air out your dirty laundry session.

Then I found out a lot about BF and why he was so afraid of doing something I thought was disgusting & why he was so ashamed...That fight turned out to make our relationship 10000000x stronger and better. I now accept that occasionally, he will watch porn and it's just one of those things that I don't have to like, but as long as it's not affecting me or our relationship, doesn't really need to be my business.

That big fight was about 2 years ago...and it was the last big fight we've had in our relationship.

I think the key here is HONESTLY and OPENLY talking about why your BF is doing this and evaluating whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you.

kakashikage · July 2010

Another update...
Well, we talked for a very long time last night and I think we were both kind of exhausted at the end, even after telling him I didn't like it, I felt controlling and demanding. However, he has always encouraged me to be open and honest about my feelings and I know he was frustrated to be confronting yet another situation where it had taken me several months to tell him how I really felt about something. He's not addicted and it isn't an every-day-all-the-time kind of thing, he legitimately thought I was okay with it and never meant to hurt me or anything. I'm not in the least bit worried about him continuing it behind my back, because he values openness and honesty so much that I know it would absolutely kill him inside to even try to deceive me. I'm comforted to know that this is an issue that many relationships struggle with, and not just a sign that ours is not going to work out. Honestly, after talking to him, I don't think he ever meant to use the "men need variety" line as a defense or justification for his actions, he was only trying to help me understand why I didn't need to be worried about it. He's stuck with me through a lot of hard times and I think it's pretty clear to me now that this never would have been an issue if I had just been honest about how I felt and told him that it was bothering me. I'm very happy to have worked this out and hopefully I'll be able to stay open about my feelings from now on.
Thanks so much for all your help, ladies, I really appreciate the input and it feels good to know I'm not alone in this!

Anyone else dealing with this?

Re: Anyone else dealing with this?

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