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Special Topic Wedding Boards

Cat:Special Topic Wedding Boards

It's Normal

Second Weddings

It's Normal

Making a second (or third) trip down the aisle? Chat with others in the same boat here.

Its normal to feel or want… This post was from 4-19-05. We began the post to help us all understand how normal our feelings and needs really are…This list is what everyone wrote about t

False

Second Weddings

It's Normal

Making a second (or third) trip down the aisle? Chat with others in the same boat here.

Its normal to feel or want… This post was from 4-19-05. We began the post to help us all understand how normal our feelings and needs really are…This list is what everyone wrote about t

Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35

Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2432581-63ed-4df5-b539-6dfd539dc91e

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Forums > Special Topic Wedding Boards > Second Weddings > It's Normal

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It's Normal

posted at 2/7/2011 9:24 AM EST on theknot.com

right1thistime

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Last: 5/23/2012

Its normal to feel or want…

This post was from 4-19-05. We began the post to help us all understand how normal our feelings and needs really are…This list is what everyone wrote about their normal feelings:

Please feel free to add.

Its normal to feel guilty that you are having a second wedding
Its normal to feel scared to commit again
Its normal to have some doubts
Its normal to worry that your credibility is in question since you vowed "forever" once before (but it is important to know that your credibility is NOT actually in question, because things change)
Its normal to question whether or not you should take his name
Its normal to worry about what others think
Its normal to read the etiquette posts and want to cry
Its normal to WANT to have the wedding of your dreams for the man of your dreams
Its normal to want all the cheesey things first brides get:)
Its normal to be more scared of moving in and combining your belongings than it is to get married
Its normal to put up walls
It's normal NOT to have the support of every family member
It's normal to want to "connect" with other 2nd timers
It's normal to "test" him ... again and again
It's normal to think at first - we don't deserve certain things
It's normal to cry/be upset when reminded of the first failure
It's normal to keep putting things off (that guilt thing again)
It's normal to have issues when kids are involved
It's normal to feel like you have the letter " D " on your forehead
YES, it's normal to be HAPPY and EXCITED when you're ready to accept it! *
Its normal to have heightened anxiety
Its normal to overanalyze every single comment he makes, about you, your kids, your future, your wedding...looking for the cue that its going to fall apart.
Its normal to partition off (is that what you meant by walls, Sassee?) those parts of you that were hurt the worst in the past, and be cautious about being vulnerable to him.
Its normal to be MamaBear where your kids are concerned, and to be surprised when you feel those MamaBear feelings about HIS kids, or when he becomes PaPa Bear with yours.
Its normal to look up waiting for the other shoe to drop
Its normal to sometimes just find yourself smiling again
Its normal to have just learned the definition of healthy (no matter how old you are)
Its normal to need to go to therapy
Its normal to be a control freak
Its normal to not be good at asking for help (Pealie, these last two are for us)
Its normal for you to feel like you have to keep your excitement a secret
Its normal to be afraid to lose the BEST thing that has happened to you in a very long time.
Its normal to wake up at night & look at him and be amazed he's there.
Its normal to want a GUARANTEE that he will not be taken from you by some freak event.
It is normal to feel uncomfortable but grateful when your family/friends want to throw parties/showers to celebrate your happiness.
It is normal to be pleasantly surprised when FI does not act/respond like DH did.
It is normal to feel bad that you get two weddings and some of your good friends have not had one yet.
It is normal to obsess about your dress and wonder if it is 'appropriate' enough but realize that sackcloth and ashes for you would not match with tuxes and pretty dresses for everyone else!
It is normal to not have something (garter, bouquet toss, etc)for your second wedding just because you had it for your first.
It is normal to worry about your child(ren) getting enough love and attention since you now have FI.
It's normal to want your family to be just as happy this time as the last time!
It's normal to cut and paste this into a document that you can refer to daily, just to remind yourself of exactly how normal you are!
It's NORMAL to worry what his family specifically thinks of you, your kids, your parenting style, whatever.
It's NORMAL to have a few bumps in the road with the stepkids.
It's NORMAL to wonder who's going to compile this into one list and repost it so we can all print it out and post it somewhere prominent. LOL!
It's NORMAL to wonder if he's for real because he's just SO perfect for you and your family. It’s NORMAL for things you hated in your past marriage to bother you now. You just have to explain to FI why.

Pay less attention to the details; it's the moments that you will remember.

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 2/7/2011 10:01 AM EST on theknot.com

handfast4me

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Thanks Donna, that's a GREAT reminder to all of the new brides-to-be on the board!

Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 2/7/2011 10:58 AM EST on theknot.com

sweetie1184

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Thanks for posting that. I went searching for it and couldn't find it!

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 2/7/2011 11:18 AM EST on theknot.com

Tamiam30

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Thank you for posting this; I really needed it. I printed it. :)

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 2/7/2011 11:46 AM EST on theknot.com

ichellemay1

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Last: 12/13/2011

Thanks for posting this. I wasn't here back then - was still married to xH. This stuff is great!

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 2/7/2011 11:46 AM EST on theknot.com

AudgiePodge

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I think this should be stickied.

I'm not good at feelings.

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 3/1/2011 10:30 PM EST on theknot.com

mustanggoonie

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Last: 8/13/2011

Wow! I have been feeling A LOT about what's mentioned in that post. What a great post!

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 3/3/2011 12:54 PM EST on theknot.com

DST2BE

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WOW- someone read my mind! Thank you!!!!!

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 3/23/2011 9:18 AM EDT on theknot.com

SoSaysTara

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THANK YOU for this! Needed that!

327 made the team

88 have chosen to play

101 are sitting out

138 can't make a decision

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/1/2011 4:56 AM EDT on theknot.com

CaseyJane03

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Last: 4/1/2011

oh i so needed this. married at 21, divorced at 22, re-marrying at 26 and feeling too guilty to make a "big deal" of it. how do i do this again? i will feel like all my repeat guests are staring at me and thinking of wedding #1. i just want to fly by the ceremony part and get on to the reception, haha.

and the last name part. ugh. i don't want to change it. i'm not going into this marriage thinking of divorce (like i did last time!) but crap happens.

ahh. i wish i would have eloped the first time and never told anyone so i wouldn't feel bad this time around. :(

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/3/2011 5:38 PM EDT on theknot.com

SoSaysTara

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First: 12/27/2010

Last: 5/23/2012

Casey, I'm there with you too.
Married at 20, divorced at 22. Remarrying at 26.

I struggle so hardcore with the name change too. I resented ExLastName sooooo much. Thinking about going the four-name approach: First Middle Maiden Married. Not sure though.

327 made the team

88 have chosen to play

101 are sitting out

138 can't make a decision

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/4/2011 4:03 PM EDT on theknot.com

Generic Live

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Last: 4/4/2011

The validation is great! Thank you. Since this is not our first time around (my third his fourth) it has been really important for us to set our marriage up for success. We have known each other for 20 years and when we started "dating" the intention, up front, was for marriage. As a "Wedding Planner" for our church my job was to make sure all the paperwork was in order, wedding preparation (not wedding planning but the preparation of the couple) was complete and that Cannon Law was upheld. That was a valuable experience and combined with our own experiences of marriage and re marriage thru death and divorce, we decided to utilize the "tools" for preparation as perhaps, only wisdom can teach. We distinguished early the difference between planning for marriage (preparation) and planning a wedding (the party!). We are addressing each of these issues as part of our preparation. I was lucky to have a priest the first time around that taught me this, I did not utilize it the second time and what a difference. Love is great and the bond and intimacy that comes from the "preparation" part of the business has made it even better. God willing, I am truly marrying the love of my life. My best friend. Thank you God.

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/4/2011 4:28 PM EDT on theknot.com

nmeirose

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In Response to It's Normal:

It's normal to cut and paste this into a document that you can refer to daily, just to remind yourself of exactly how normal you are!
Posted by right1thistime

OMG, I have found a new home! THANK YOU for writing everything I am feeling today!!!!!

<worship />

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/5/2011 10:50 AM EDT on theknot.com

lindaloulubbock

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This is the first time I've ever looked at this message board, and it looks like I picked the perfect day. I needed that. I copied it and I'm going to print it.

Thank you.

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/7/2011 11:09 PM EDT on theknot.com

RKwedding2011

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Last: 3/9/2012

Thanks for posting this. Everyone in my family knows how I have struggled to be a single mom and to provide for my daughter. I met and am going to marry a wonderful man. At times I feel like eloping. However, I never had a family church wedding anyway. I have felt so many of thie things listed!

I've gotta tell you. things have changed. There are many women who are divorced and are hoping or have found new happiness. It is the sign of our times that it is ok for a divorced women to be seen are full of worth and worthy of finding happiness. Thanks

Katie

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/8/2011 8:02 AM EDT on theknot.com

gupsmom

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Last: 4/18/2011

It's normal to cry while reading this and finally realize your NOT crazy!

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/15/2011 10:18 PM EDT on theknot.com

calo1983

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thanks for posting this

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/16/2011 1:39 PM EDT on theknot.com

memSomerville

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Last: 9/6/2011

We distinguished early the difference between planning for marriage (preparation) and planning a wedding (the party!).

*THIS* should be tattooed on the right palm of every bride-to-be. Way to go @Generic Live!!

As an outsider looking in at this board, I just wanted to say that I wouldn't spend a minute of my time worrying about someone else's choices for a second wedding. In fact, I was at one recently where my sister leaned over to me and said something about the bride having been married before. And I hadn't known this. And I didn't care even a little bit. I just thought she had been wise and appropriately frugal to try to rein in some of the nuttier things I see going on at other weddings! It actually all made sense when I learned of the backstory, and I was impressed.

I like this board because you guys have actual experience--that's valuable to me. Although i'm a first-timer, I'm in my mid-40s (I can't locate an older brides board, which surprises me). And your lives are more like mine than a lot of the youngstahs' are.

Retro/Vintage Inspirations

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/17/2011 8:20 AM EDT on theknot.com

MerryNMath

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Last: 3/6/2012

Thanks GenericLive... we're going into this as encore's as well... my 3rd, his 2nd - and even with the feeling of "vindication" from the annulment process (which is horrible I might add!) but even with that 'stamp of approval' I still face all of the planning woes and question the appropriateness of this and of that. My FI wants it all... the church has a 100ft aisle - I don't want to walk all the way down that aisle - I am self conscious enough being a bride as is! I'm traditionally Baptist, he's Catholic - as excited as I am to marry my best bud - I'm anxious/nervous about telling them - that they will look down on me - some still call me by my former married name and we've been separated/divorced for close to 6 years. It's the Catholic/Baptist and the 3rd time around double whammy for me. But he wants it all - it's our first time marrying each other in front of God and family and friends. Dress, flowers, reception, cake, 1st dance... ugh. I'm ok with all that if that's what he wants - but having a really hard time getting over a few things.   My first ceremony was gorgeous, the total fairy tale - marriage - not so much. Married at 20, babies at late 21 and late 22, he left us at late 23 - the day before our youngest's 1st birthday... 2nd marriage was a simple dress, headpiece flowers, and a small Baptist chapel with just the children and my parents/grandmother... that was it 4 guests and us because I didn't feel it was appropriate - that was a train wreck - come to find out in the annulment process I wasn't his 2nd, but his 4th :(    So it's been a long 'road of recovery' especially when the annulment dredged everything back up - and now I am afraid to tell my church family. I shouldn't be afraid... is it because I'm wrong in marrying again? because I'm wrong marrying a Catholic? I don't think so, I've spent a whole lot of time in prayer about him, asking that the Lord just take him out of my life if he's not the right one... and he's still here, after all I've put him through, he's still here, after all of the tests, he's still here after everything...   But it's hard to get the "just a simple wedding suit would be fine" "are you really going to have a wedding & a reception - again?" "oh, you're not registering for gifts - are you??" out of your head...

So here are my affirmations: (I'm printing them out and sticking them on my bathroom mirror)

Yes, I am marrying my best friend for life and I am excited to start this new chapter with him!
Yes, I am having a wedding. A beautiful, not over the top, church wedding and reception to CELEBRATE US!
Yes, I am wearing a dress - that looks great on me and that will melt his heart and walking down that 100 ft aisle to him! And I'm not wearing some suit!
Yes, it is normal to feel all these other weird things, but that's the past and it's done - I'm moving on to the next chapter in my life and if people choose to not support the union, that is on them. God is supporting the union - and with HIM, all things are possible.
Yes, we have things to prepare for other than all the broo-haa-ha of a wedding - we have a lifetime to prepare for - and I am looking forward to the pre-Cana and dredging through it - together.
YES, we're going to register for gifts - not pots and pans, but things we want/need as established adults. We may do a honeyfund, register at Home Depot for new carpet, home improvements, landscaping... things that will make our combined home truly ours as we put it together the way we want it!
And Finally - YES! I am getting married!!   AND I AM EXCITED!!!   Let the life & party planning commence!!!

Thanks again Generic - I needed all the "It's Normal" posts, but yours really struck a chord with me this morning... I may even go ahead and change that Facebook status from "In a relationship" to "Engaged"!!

Congratulations & Best Wishes to all you Encore brides out there - we have the experience to get it right this time!

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/17/2011 2:36 PM EDT on theknot.com

BrideofTonyP

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This is my first day here and I'm so happy to have found this post! I'm a second-timer (his first) and I felt it wouldn't be fair to him to just elope when he's never had a wedding. I was married at 20, divorced at 21 and remarrying at 26. I struggle everyday with most things on this list, and have already heard whispered remarks about my having a second wedding. Needless to say, that hurts, but it's great to hear "it's normal." I'm definitely feeling better and and printing this!!! <3

"When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever."

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/18/2011 4:19 PM EDT on theknot.com

Alley_06

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Thank you for this post! I have been an emotional wreck planning my second wedding.

I got married at 22, divorced at 24 and am getting remarried at 27. This is the first wedding for my fiance. I had a HORRIBLE marriage (domestic violence) and all things wedding make me uncomfortable.

My fiance really wants a wedding so I've been busy planning one all the while crying over every little thing. I feel guilty that my mom wants to have a bridal shower and I feel stupid inviting the same people to my second wedding, even though my fiance is the nicest guy you'll ever meet and everyone LOVES him. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has trouble getting excited over something that deserves my full excitement.

Thanks again! This has been so helpful.

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 4/27/2011 8:56 PM EDT on theknot.com

ReidBreiling

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First: 4/27/2011

Last: 10/1/2011

Thank you for posting this... I needed to read this!

We are both 2nd timers. I was married at 19, divorced at 26, remarrying at 27.5; he was married at 18, divorced at 20; remarrying at 26. Unlike my first marriage... this time it feels right.

May 2012 Honeymoon Location (Emerald Bay, Bahamas):

Planning Bio: Updated 09.13.11

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 5/16/2011 10:33 AM EDT on theknot.com

PhoenixMama

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Last: 6/20/2011

What an amazing list! I've struggled with so much of this. Each day goes back and forth... some days I'm super excited to finally be marrying the absolute perfect man for me who treats me good. Other times I feel incredibly guilty, sad, and just all over bad that I screwed up so much in the past and this is now all on us to have an amazing wedding. (This will be my 3rd, and his first, though my 2nd, I just had a small thing in my living room) I plan to write more in an introduction, but would definitely love to find some support from others in similiar situations. This is such a great list! Thank you!

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 5/20/2011 11:21 PM EDT on theknot.com

wedding05

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I love this because it's how I feel pretty much everyday. While I've been married before, THIS time just feels right. There's no second guessing, there's no doubt, nothing. It's like everything I've been through led me to this.......and that scares the hell out of me sometimes.

Thanks for putting this together!!! I'll definitely be printing it and putting it somewhere.

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 5/28/2011 11:40 AM EDT on theknot.com

heidistuber

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Thank you thank you! I was married at 22, divorced at 27 and now remarrying at 31. It's hard to have such conflicting emotions of excitement and anxiety. Thank you for this reminder.

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 6/14/2011 3:24 PM EDT on theknot.com

krzt3ll3

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Thank you for posting this! I am having the exact same feelings and I thought that I was the only one. I am making this list my new computer background. Again, thank you!

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 6/15/2011 8:16 PM EDT on theknot.com

MySouthernBell

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In Response to It's Normal:

Its normal to feel or want… This post was from 4-19-05. We began the post to help us all understand how normal our feelings and needs really are…This list is what everyone wrote about their normal feelings: Please feel free to add. Its normal to feel guilty that you are having a second wedding Its normal to feel scared to commit again Its normal to have some doubts Its normal to worry that your credibility is in question since you vowed "forever" once before (but it is important to know that your credibility is NOT actually in question, because things change) Its normal to question whether or not you should take his name Its normal to worry about what others think Its normal to read the etiquette posts and want to cry Its normal to WANT to have the wedding of your dreams for the man of your dreams Its normal to want all the cheesey things first brides get:) Its normal to be more scared of moving in and combining your belongings than it is to get married Its normal to put up walls It's normal NOT to have the support of every family member It's normal to want to "connect" with other 2nd timers It's normal to "test" him ... again and again It's normal to think at first - we don't deserve certain things It's normal to cry/be upset when reminded of the first failure It's normal to keep putting things off (that guilt thing again) It's normal to have issues when kids are involved It's normal to feel like you have the letter " D " on your forehead YES, it's normal to be HAPPY and EXCITED when you're ready to accept it! * Its normal to have heightened anxiety Its normal to overanalyze every single comment he makes, about you, your kids, your future, your wedding...looking for the cue that its going to fall apart. Its normal to partition off (is that what you meant by walls, Sassee?) those parts of you that were hurt the worst in the past, and be cautious about being vulnerable to him. Its normal to be MamaBear where your kids are concerned, and to be surprised when you feel those MamaBear feelings about HIS kids, or when he becomes PaPa Bear with yours. Its normal to look up waiting for the other shoe to drop Its normal to sometimes just find yourself smiling again Its normal to have just learned the definition of healthy (no matter how old you are) Its normal to need to go to therapy Its normal to be a control freak Its normal to not be good at asking for help (Pealie, these last two are for us) Its normal for you to feel like you have to keep your excitement a secret Its normal to be afraid to lose the BEST thing that has happened to you in a very long time. Its normal to wake up at night & look at him and be amazed he's there. Its normal to want a GUARANTEE that he will not be taken from you by some freak event. It is normal to feel uncomfortable but grateful when your family/friends want to throw parties/showers to celebrate your happiness. It is normal to be pleasantly surprised when FI does not act/respond like DH did. It is normal to feel bad that you get two weddings and some of your good friends have not had one yet. It is normal to obsess about your dress and wonder if it is 'appropriate' enough but realize that sackcloth and ashes for you would not match with tuxes and pretty dresses for everyone else! It is normal to not have something (garter, bouquet toss, etc)for your second wedding just because you had it for your first. It is normal to worry about your child(ren) getting enough love and attention since you now have FI. It's normal to want your family to be just as happy this time as the last time! It's normal to cut and paste this into a document that you can refer to daily, just to remind yourself of exactly how normal you are! It's NORMAL to worry what his family specifically thinks of you, your kids, your parenting style, whatever. It's NORMAL to have a few bumps in the road with the stepkids. It's NORMAL to wonder who's going to compile this into one list and repost it so we can all print it out and post it somewhere prominent. LOL! It's NORMAL to wonder if he's for real because he's just SO perfect for you and your family. It’s NORMAL for things you hated in your past marriage to bother you now. You just have to explain to FI why.
Posted by right1thistime

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 6/15/2011 8:19 PM EDT on theknot.com

MySouthernBell

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I absolutely LOVE this. I just quoted it.

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 6/21/2011 12:07 AM EDT on theknot.com

jaimerae727

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I needed this so bad...married at 21 to a man 12 years my senior, separated at 30 and divorced at 32. Remarrying at 33 to whom I should've married to begin with. My biggest blessing and the only thing I don't regret are the 2 little boys safely asleep in their rooms...they made EVERY battle and every day worth it.

http://pickupyourlegos.blogspot.com/

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Re: It's Normal

posted at 6/22/2011 1:03 PM EDT on theknot.com

alexandrastrout

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First: 6/22/2011

Last: 6/22/2011

THANK YOU! First Day here as well and it's SOOOO great to see that there are others like me! Married at barely 19, separated at 22, getting remaried at 24 to an amazing man and almost Step-Father.
We are blessed to have a good relationship with the Ex ( We have joint custody of our wonderful 2 year old) but I still feel guilty even though all parties involved are happy.
Our families are supportive and happy for us but friends, who really have only known Ex and I together, don't really understand. I know that shouldn't matter but it's still hard and it feels like I can't really share or enjoy this engagement with anyone but my fiance and as crazy at it seems my Ex who is still a close friend to both FI and I.
Plus it feels odd inviting people from my first wedding to my second because it was only five years ago :/

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