Wedding Woes

Mom is driving me crazy!

My parents are paying for the wedding. I understand that my mother, as our sole source of financing, will have her way on some issues, but she is trying to take over EVERYTHING! Even the things that have nothing to do with how we spend "her money." Every time I discuss the wedding, she comes off with a smug comment, like "Well, you need a date and a place first." We have a date, and we have a site, although they may not be exactly what she has envisioned. She recently informed me of the menu she had planned for the wedding. I responded, "Oh really? When are you getting married?" She was not amused, and again informed me, "Well I decided on the menu that I'M paying for." She is driving me crazy! When I tell her my ideas, she compares it to her best friend's daughter's recent wedding, which was not really my style.In all actuality, it is my father's money that she is "spending". He has not said a word to dissuade her, although he did support our decision to have alcohol at the reception, much to her dismay. I have recently threatened to take out a personal loan with my fiance so that we can do things OUR way. What do I do? I do not want to alienate my mother, but I also do not want her to have a second wedding vicariously through me.
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Re: Mom is driving me crazy!

  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
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    edited December 2011
    Your screenname doesn't make any sense.
  • PMeg819PMeg819 member
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    edited December 2011
    It's 8:45 am my time. I can't do this. It's just too early.
  • loveshine1loveshine1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If she is paying for it, she gets to do with her money and she sees fit.If you do not like it, you have the option of not taking your parents money and having a wedding you can afford on your own.
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  • edited December 2011
    Wow. You're a snot. Please take out a personal loan to finance your wedding. Then, run out and get a $1M house that you can't make payments on. Better yet... join college, then get a student loan and spend the money on your wedding. SCORE!
  • edited December 2011
    the one who signs the checks gets final say.and PLEASE, for the love all that is holy, do not take out a personal loan just to have your pretty princess party.elope if you're so damn annoyed with mommy dearest.
  • edited December 2011
    1. Hold your breath. 2. Flop on the ground. 3. Flail around kicking and screaming.
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    edited December 2011
    You've just learned the hard way that some parents pretend they're giving you a gift when in reality they're hijacking your occasions in order to throw themselves a party.  It sucks, and the best thing you can do is call it off, save, and pay for it yourself.  Who cares if you alienate her?  After all, she doesn't seem to give a hoot if she alienates you.
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  • edited December 2011
    who's got the Oprah story? and JVB.  i think we need them at a time like this.
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
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    edited December 2011
    this post has ADURR written all over it.[img]<a href="http://i41.tinypic.com/k3b2og.jpg" rel='nofollow'>http://i41.tinypic.com/k3b2og.jpg</a>[/img]
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited December 2011
    What do I do?  Save the money to have the wedding you want.  Do not do this: I have recently threatened to take out a personal loan with my fiance so that we can do things OUR way.If your parents are paying, then they get the say.  You sound like you need to grow up before you get married.
  • edited December 2011
    Wow, thanks for so many "civil" responses! First of all, I've had several "adult" conversations with my mother. She changes the topic because she has already decided that it's her way or no way. I have listened to her ideas. Just because she is married does not mean that she knows how to have a wedding. She and my dad got married 30 years ago in a small chapel. She didn't plan her own wedding, her mother did. Second of all, Wifezilla, it IS my father's money. They have separate accounts. Just because they are married does not mean that they automatically share finances. He pays some bills, she pays others, and they argue more about money than anyone I have ever heard. It's from my father's account, funded by profit from the business HE owns by HIMSELF.Future Mrs. Buttersworth: I'm not a snot, nor am I a princess. I've been to college, sans student loans, and will continue to law school the same way. I have a full ride and I'm debt free. And finally, The Dukis, I created my screenname before I was engaged and theknot wouldn't let me change it.Thanks again for all the helpful advice! I'm glad you've all enjoyed your weddings so much that you continue to live through other brides rather than focus on your actual marriage.
  • tawillerstawillers member
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    edited December 2011
    I have recently threatened to take out a personal loan with my fiance so that we can do things OUR way.Oooohh, that'll show her!
  • edited December 2011
    It's not about "showing her." It's about having an actual opinion in the way my wedding takes place. I don't want to alienate her, which is why I don't want to have this argument with her.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
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    edited December 2011
    "She didn't plan her own wedding, her mother did."I suspected as much.  Does she realize she's being as much of a douche as her own mother was?
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I still don't get why you keep insisting you don't want to alienate her.  She's alienating you, and she doesn't give a flying f*ck.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    not having an argument =/= solving the issue not that you have to confront it all head on, but please stop confusing the issue by assuming you know all about your parents' finances and their discussions (or not) on how it should be spent.
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  • edited December 2011
    First of all, I've had several "adult" conversations with my mother. Threatening to take out a loan is not an "adult conversation". Taking out a loan to pay for a wedding is not the action of a responsible, mature, adult.What's with the screen name? Is your man a "Starter Husband"?
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  • edited December 2011
    If you want the wedding to be exactly how you want it, then you have to pay for it. Your mom sounds like a beast, though. And my standby suggestion: elope. You wont regret it. (I still don't.)
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  • edited December 2011
    Monkey, maybe I just have a closer relationship with my parents than you do? That's pretty much the way it goes back home. Don't pretend that you know everything about everyone's situation.
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    girl, please don't be pulling that "YOU DON'T KNOW ME" nonsense.sit down.
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  • edited December 2011
    hmo - read: YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!!!
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    AMEN?  amen.
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  • edited December 2011
    I asked for some serious advice from women who have done this before. I never expected that people could be so rude. I was hoping someone would help me find a way to discuss this with mom, talk to my dad, or work through it some other way. I know that whomever pays has a say in how the money gets spent; that's understood. I'm not stupid. I just wanted some help talking to her. Thanks.
  • edited December 2011
    If you don't want her say in your wedding then don't take the money from your parents. Have the wedding you can afford. If you want to go into debt for 1 day, then do it. It's really not our problem. Just keep in mind, that just because you're going to be a lawyer doesn't mean you're going to have a shitton of money, and interest rates aren't so good as banks are trying to recoup their losses.
  • edited December 2011
    Just because we have a good relationship and I know the mechanics of their marriage does not mean that she can't be a controlling b****. My sister and I have both dealt with that.
  • edited December 2011
    You didn't make that clear, in your first post. Just sit down with her and discuss it. Don't get emotional, don't get harpy like. Just tell her how this is making you feel and ask her about how she felt having no say in her own wedding. You need to be able to sit with her and do this and if you're as close with her as you say you are then this shouldn't be a hardship.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Ok, how about this?"Mom, this is my wedding.  I understand that you're paying and that because of that you want some say in what you're paying for, but at this point it has gone too far.  You've taken my upcoming marriage and made it all about you and what you want in a wedding.  You've essentially hijacked my occasion and made it all about you, while pretending it's mine and that I should be grateful.  Now, I still want you to have a say, but I don't want this to be your dream wedding with me as the substitute bride.  How can we compromise on this?"
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  • edited December 2011
    Assumptions, assumptions. Why do I keep feeling like I need to be on the defensive here? I know that my career choice does not guarantee money. I'm not talking about taking out a $20,000 loan either. My mom has offered $5,000. I've budgeted the wedding for that amount.
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    If she has a history of being a controlling b***tch, why are you even bothering with this?  Give her a polite, We'll handle it from here on out Mom, and MOVE THE FARK ON.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    By the way, if you KNOW she's controlling, then you really are better off waiting and saving to pay for it yourself. 
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