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Vows and saying obey

Vows

Vows and saying obey

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My pastor feels the word "obey" should be in the vows.  The copy of the vows that he gave me has the bride saying obey but, not the groom.  I know that the man is considered as head of the h

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Vows

Vows and saying obey

Share your vows here to create an easy reference vow library for other Knotties.

My pastor feels the word "obey" should be in the vows.  The copy of the vows that he gave me has the bride saying obey but, not the groom.  I know that the man is considered as head of the h

Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:24

Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:24Discussion:b8fb6d3d-2f88-4df4-89b1-d59a92e260bc

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Forums > Special Topic Wedding Boards > Vows > Vows and saying obey

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Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/16/2012 9:52 AM EST on theknot.com

RachelR0282

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My pastor feels the word "obey" should be in the vows. The copy of the vows that he gave me has the bride saying obey but, not the groom. I know that the man is considered as head of the house hold however, society has changed over the years. Obey is a strong word and outdated. When I think of obey it think of : You must have dinner on the table by 5pm. I think of obey as demanding. I am open to opinions. Do you agree or disagree with having obey in the vows?

PS. I do realize it's his church and we can choose to go elsewhere. If he wants the ceremony to be performed a certain way he should have told us this when we first asked him to marry us.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/16/2012 1:47 PM EST on theknot.com

rachers1017

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I wouldn't say obey. I think most of the weddings I've been to recently have said something more like "love, honor and cherish" or something.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/18/2012 11:40 PM EST on theknot.com

Sydney91

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If it's required for you to say it, then your man should be required to say obey as well. I'm edgy on this one as I'm a praying person that despises organized religion for their inequity and outdated beliefs (I'm for equality, not feminism). I thought I should state my biases openly. The church I once attended does not require the word obey (Rev G encourages/forces couples to write their own since it is their marriage and their words they will be saying). I think it's something to avoid saying if it doesn't sit well with you. After all, your vows are a verbal contract for your marriage. You have 4 months and that's plenty of time to find someone else if you choose to. I would exporess your concerns with your pastor and tell him you want to meet in the middle to come to a solution. You are absolutely right; obey is strong and outdated. It's a little far ahead for me to be planning my vows, but the cooperation and teamwork vibe has been big in my relationship and that will most likely go into the vows, with no mention of my FH or me as the one ruling the roost (I've got a future stay-at-home dad on my hands so the roles a a tad reversed). Does your pastor preach more from the Old Testament or the New Testament?

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/19/2012 6:04 AM EST on theknot.com

kmmssg

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Can you write your own vows? Could your FI join you in discussing this with the Pastor. I'm a MOB who also has issues with the obey thing and I think you should have some open dialogue and consider writing your own vows if the Pastor is really strict on including that in traditional vows.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/24/2012 3:27 PM EST on theknot.com

Tanq&Tonic

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I too would have issues with 'obey' - whether said by one or both parties. I definitely think an frank and open dialgue with your FI and pastor is warranted, and be open to whether you would want to change your venue / officiant based on this.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/24/2012 9:41 PM EST on theknot.com

RachelR0282

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Thanks everyone! My FI agrees we should not say it. We have a meeting with our pastor this Sunday. Our pastor seems to be a control freak. He doesn't want me to design my own programs, have someone sing at our ceremony, and doesn't us to choose friend/family to do the readings. We will politely voice our concerns to him on Sunday. It's just frustrating!

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/25/2012 1:31 PM EST on theknot.com

Jinxed329

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That's so insanely outdated, I think I read an article that Kate Middleton was the first royal wedding to NOT say obey. Sounds like your church needs to come to terms with women's equality!

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/25/2012 7:57 PM EST on theknot.com

RachelR0282

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Jinxed I agree with you! Well, I hope to get it worked out on Sunday.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/25/2012 10:54 PM EST on theknot.com

SCogs18

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Your minister is being really unreasonable with all his demands! I think it's good that you and FI are in agreement, it will have more of an impact with the minister.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/27/2012 12:54 AM EST on theknot.com

VegasCalling

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Hell to the no, and his sexist view of women and marriage would make me immediately leave that church.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 1/27/2012 4:41 PM EST on theknot.com

kmmssg

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If he won't bend on this will you stil have him marry you? I'm rather confused by a Pastor who refuses to let any personal touches meaningful to the couple be included.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 2/5/2012 8:18 PM EST on theknot.com

RetreadBride

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Princess Diana was the first royal bride not to say "obey." I think Kate DID say it.

I wouldn't do it either, and would take it out. How about subbing "cherish" for you.

If he springs it on you at the wedding, leave it out. What can he do about it?

"I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 2/15/2012 8:37 PM EST on theknot.com

Bett2012

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replace "obey" with "respect" ?

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 2/22/2012 3:44 PM EST on theknot.com

MiLadyK

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I think all vow wording is personal choice. You shouldn't vow anything you don't truly and completely mean.

I may be including obey in mine for the specific reasons that I'm very headstrong, independant and stubborn. One of the reasons that I am marrying my FI is that I trust him and that I do listen to him. (My mother thinks it is funny how much I am willing to shift on because of him.) He makes me a more gentle person.

However, if I do include it he has made me promise that I can't have a really long pause to "think about it" before promising to obey.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 2/24/2012 12:19 AM EST on theknot.com

Lisa50

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In Response to Vows and saying obey:

My pastor feels the word "obey" should be in the vows. The copy of the vows that he gave me has the bride saying obey but, not the groom. I know that the man is considered as head of the house hold however, society has changed over the years. Obey is a strong word and outdated. When I think of obey it think of : You must have dinner on the table by 5pm. I think of obey as demanding. I am open to opinions. Do you agree or disagree with having obey in the vows? PS. I do realize it's his church and we can choose to go elsewhere. If he wants the ceremony to be performed a certain way he should have told us this when we first asked him to marry us.
Posted by RachelR0282

It doesn't matter if we agree or disagree with having "obey" in our vows. What matters is if you and your FI wish to have the word included in your vows. Once the two of you make that decision, then you should speak to the pastor and let him know how you feel.

Good luck!

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 3/6/2012 2:55 PM EST on theknot.com

KT020803

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I agree that it is outdated and odd that since it is no longer 1950 why the man doesn't have to say obey. I would try to compromise with the pastor and say something using the words "respect, honor and love".
Good Luck!

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 4/9/2012 9:25 AM EDT on theknot.com

kiki1978

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My fiance and I both do not want obey in our vows. We think we need to worth together as a team and not one bossing the other. Try taking a copy of vows that you do like to your officiant to see if he could use those instead.

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Re: Vows and saying obey

posted at 4/13/2012 1:41 PM EDT on theknot.com

Ameriste

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It's funny you should post this because both FI and I want to include it in our vows. Ever since we met, it has been a running joke between us that we must obey each other, and it turned into something that we'll tell each other when we are being particularly stubborn about something, just to make us think about it. For example, if I'm being overly dramatic because I'm PMSing or something, he'll tell me to calm down. If I don't, he'll tell me to "obey". Every time I stop and start laughing. For us it's a good thing. I do it to him too. If he won't listen to what I'm saying (he's extremely head strong), I'll say "hey butthead, obey!" Right away, he stops and starts laughing. So we'll definitely both have it in our vows because it has a significance for us.

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