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HELP! How do I make my fiance's daughter a part of the ceremony

arringgaarringga member
First Comment
in Wedding Woes
I have a problem. My fiance' has a 10 year old daughter and she wants to be in the wedding. I don't want her to  be a flower girl because I think she is too old for that but I don't like junior bridesmaids either. I will not have readings or anything like that. I want my ceremony to have the traditional vows and nothing else. I won't be doing a unity candle or a sand ceremony. I would like my fiance and I to exchange vows and thats it. So what do i do with his daugher? 
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Re: HELP! How do I make my fiance's daughter a part of the ceremony

  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I hear a lot of "I, I, I" in this post.  What role does your FI envision?  What role does the daughter want? 
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  • arringgaarringga member
    First Comment
    Well my fianc doesn't really care. And his daughter hasn't said specifically what she wanted to do. I was considering making her the guest book attendant since she is very social. But I don't know if that's a good idea or not
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  • amanda0543amanda0543 member
    10 Comments
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-how-do-i-make-my-fiances-daughter-a-part-of-the-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f3494a1a-187f-4cd5-a280-438d383636d9Post:881fbf18-776a-4b7a-9d81-903fb99220cc">Re:HELP! How do I make my fiance's daughter a part of the ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well my fianc doesn't really care. And his daughter hasn't said specifically what she wanted to do. I was considering making her the guest book attendant since she is very social. But I don't know if that's a good idea or not
    Posted by arringga[/QUOTE]

    <div>Haha, I totally empathize with the fiance business... mine is being difficult in providing input too. :P</div><div>
    </div><div>It's hard if she doesn't tell you what she wants to do, as I would say that would be the best advice available to you. When my sister got married (I was 16, she was 30), she asked me to be the guest book attendant, and at the time I sort of felt like I was being tucked away (she also never thanked me, and sat me in the back during the ceremony, but whatevs...). That was me and my family though, I've known lots of people who were really excited to be asked to greet guests. I don't know if you've already fully decided on your bridal party, but I think it would be really cool to have your future daughter be standing up there with you guys.</div><div>
    </div><div>You could also have her help you prep as a bonding experience. For example, have her go dress shopping, set up decor, help you pick things out. And then maybe you and your fi could have a toast thanking those who helped you, and acknowledge her in it?</div><div>
    </div><div>My 10 year old neices (twins) begged me to be flower girls the second they found out I was engaged. I know the "standard" flower girl age is a bit younger, but I don't think it will be weird and neither do any of my family. But like I said, they wanted to do it and were very vocal. I know a lot of ten year olds who would feel too old, and would see it as patronizing.</div><div>
    </div><div>You might want to try asking her "probing questions" if you will, to get a feel for her reactions. As I said, she's going to give you the best advice on where to add her into the wedding.</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm sorry if this is a rude question, but does she mind that you're marrying her dad? If she's having a hard time with it that might be the reason she's not giving you feedback. If that's the case, I think the involving her in prepping/dress shopping/whatever for bonding time might be a good route regardless of however else you include her in the wedding.</div><div>
    </div><div>**I didn't see your comment about junior bridesmaids. Sorry!! >.<**</div>
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Put her in a pretty dress and have her stand with you two.  There's no need to call her a flower girl or jr. bm.  Call her the daughter of the groom and make her a part of this day and your life.
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-how-do-i-make-my-fiances-daughter-a-part-of-the-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f3494a1a-187f-4cd5-a280-438d383636d9Post:e0ab3b29-5ef4-4f9f-bff1-6039536f7d54">Re: HELP! How do I make my fiance's daughter a part of the ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]Put her in a pretty dress and have her stand with you two.  There's no need to call her a flower girl or jr. bm.  Call her the daughter of the groom and make her a part of this day and your life.
    Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

    This really is a great idea.  She doesn't have to have a job, just let her stand with you guys.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-how-do-i-make-my-fiances-daughter-a-part-of-the-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f3494a1a-187f-4cd5-a280-438d383636d9Post:e0ab3b29-5ef4-4f9f-bff1-6039536f7d54">Re: HELP! How do I make my fiance's daughter a part of the ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]Put her in a pretty dress and have her stand with you two.  There's no need to call her a flower girl or jr. bm.  Call her the daughter of the groom and make her a part of this day and your life.
    Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

    <div>what 6 said - or if she doesn't want to stand up, just take her shopping for a pretty dress/some nice jewelry, give her a corsage, and let her sit in the front row. </div><div>
    </div><div>I think at 10 she's old enough to give some input on how she'd like to participate in the wedding.</div>
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    6 is right on the money.

    FWIW, during my ceremony I gave my stepson a necklace that his dad and I picked out together.  It has a silver disk with his initials on one side and our wedding date on the other.  We wanted him to feel part of the day and that it was about becoming a family as much as it was about his dad and me getting married.
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  • AuntFloAuntFlo member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    I was about the same age when my dad re-married.  I was painfully shy, so I had no interest in being in the wedding/doing a reading/guest book/etc.   My step-mother took me shopping, bought me a pretty dress, jewelry and shoes.   I had a corsage and I sat in the front row with my brother and was included in pictures.  I felt included but not uncomfortable - so it was perfect. I think the most important thing is that she feels included in things, especially your lives.
    �
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  • arringgaarringga member
    First Comment
    She really likes me and is excited that I'm going to be her stepmom. She expressed interested in being a jr bridesmaid but I personally don't like jr bridesmaids and I've already told some young cousins that they couldn't be jr bridesmaids so I don't want to start any family drama by making her one especially since I don't want any in my wedding anyway v
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    your stepdaugher =/= cousins

    i think family would understand if your stepdaughter was in the ceremony and they were not.  you don't have to call her a jr. bridesmaid; she can just be a member of the wedding party.
    image
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper

    "Jr Bridesmaid" are just words.  Call her a bridesmaid if it makes you feel better.  There is a difference between the girl who will be your stepDAUGHTER and your cousins.

    Let the cousins do the guestbook.

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  • amanda0543amanda0543 member
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-how-do-i-make-my-fiances-daughter-a-part-of-the-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f3494a1a-187f-4cd5-a280-438d383636d9Post:e712c13c-6008-4906-bb89-fbc61e23de27">Re:HELP! How do I make my fiance's daughter a part of the ceremony</a>:
    [QUOTE]She really likes me and is excited that I'm going to be her stepmom. She expressed interested in being a jr bridesmaid but I personally don't like jr bridesmaids and I've already told some young cousins that they couldn't be jr bridesmaids so I don't want to start any family drama by making her one especially since I don't want any in my wedding anyway v
    Posted by arringga[/QUOTE]

    <div>The cousin issue makes that difficult. It's one thing when you're dealing with adults, and I would think all of the adults involved in this would understand if your future step daughter was made a jr. bridesmaid when your cousins weren't, but it's completely different with young girls.</div><div>
    </div><div>Do you know how much your fi's daughter wanted to be a bridesmaid? Was it just a passing suggestion, or did she have her heart set on it?</div><div>
    </div><div>I really like the Daughter of the Groom suggestion. Let her help you out with wedding, then help her find a dress and give her a coursage etc. etc. Even if she gets to act like a bridesmaid in everyway her heart could have possibly desired she's *not* a bridesmaid (she's the DoG!), and you have the loophole you need to make sure your cousins aren't hurt.</div>
    Don't mind me... I haven't slept since last Wednesday.
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