Bestman?

opp282009 · May 2010

My fiance and me have talked about groomsman and he wants all of his brothers in the wedding and I want my brother in law. But for his best man he wants it to be his youngest brother who hates me. I really don't want him to be the best man at my wedding. I mean he really hates me, lik he hates me enough to try to ruin my whole wedding. I told Eric, my fiance I really didn't want him as the best man and he said I didn't have a choice. What should I do?

rebeccalynn410 · May 2010

Your really don't have a choice. Would he be able to say, I don't want Jane to be your MOH, because she hates me? Nope, because she's your best friend and you want her as your MOH. It's not a wedding for you, it's a wedding for the both of you. You need to compromise, and if it's something you're really concerned about, like him messing up your wedding, then talk to your FI about it and that it's a serious concern with you. You know, grown up stuff.

laurenclaire1386 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:93154249-ce3a-49c7-a1be-fe0c19c86dc1Post:7bc9e229-0e45-465b-aa69-242a22a34a3c">Bestman?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and me have talked about groomsman and he wants all of his brothers in the wedding and I want my brother in law. But for his best man he wants it to be his youngest brother who hates me. I really don't want him to be the best man at my wedding. I mean he really hates me, lik he hates me enough to try to ruin my whole wedding. I told Eric, my fiance I really didn't want him as the best man and <strong>he said I didn't have a choice. </strong>What should I do?
Posted by opp282009[/QUOTE]
And he's right. You suck it up and deal. He's not going to ruin your wedding, I swear.

KatyRoseM · May 2010

I would talk to him more about the fact that the person he is closest to hates you, that seems like the bigger problem here.

[Deleted User] · May 2010

I agree with pp's. You don't have a choice, just like he doesn't choose your BM's. He chooses his guys, period. I would definitely talk to him though about why his brother hates you. I am not saying you are exaggerating or whatever, but it could be something that was said or done in the past and maybe you two need to talk and get on the same page, something simple like that that can be worked out without all the hard feelings going into the wedding.

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

Not your decision. Suck it up and maybe try to start building a positive relationship with his brother, since he's going to be part of your life from now on.

Minimax052910 · May 2010

Also, imagine that your FI agrees with you and decides to not put his brother in the WP. His brother will find out that you were the reason that he's not part of WP. That'd cause a lot of drama that you don't want. Trust me, you don't want to go that route.

opp282009 · May 2010

I really do believe he would ruin my wedding and I really don't want him making the best man speach. I can picture it now "Hello everyone this is my brother and he is making the biggest mistake of his life." Okay it might not go exactly like that but I'm sure something like that would be said.

Here is another thing I wanted my friend Kassie in the wedding but she doesn't like his brother Troy and he said no you can't have her because than her and Troy will make problems. But it is okay to make my best friend Ali and his brother Nik, who hate each other walk down the isle together.

opp282009 · May 2010

I don't mind him being in the wedding I just don't want him as the best man. Making the best man speach is a big thing I am worried about.

Minimax052910 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:93154249-ce3a-49c7-a1be-fe0c19c86dc1Post:0cd786e1-585f-413e-91fd-ff7756e27a3e">Re: Bestman?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't mind him being in the wedding I just don't want him as the best man. Making the best man speach is a big thing I am worried about.
Posted by opp282009[/QUOTE]

They're not required to make a speech. Granted, he may just because he's a best man. But if he really wants to say something nasty, he'd say it...even if he's not the BM. I've been to some weddings where brothers or sisters of Bride/Groom make a speech, even if they're not part of the WP. Kicking him out of the WP will only make it worse and he'd do something worse than what he could. You can't really worry about the possibilities that may not even happen.

bethsmiles · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:93154249-ce3a-49c7-a1be-fe0c19c86dc1Post:067cd0e2-7287-4c26-98a6-8161f15ed4bb">Re: Bestman?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really do believe he would ruin my wedding and I really don't want him making the best man speach. I can picture it now "Hello everyone this is my brother and he is making the biggest mistake of his life." Okay it might not go exactly like that but I'm sure something like that would be said. Here is another thing I wanted my friend Kassie in the wedding but she doesn't like his brother Troy and he said no you can't have her because than her and Troy will make problems. But it is okay to make my best friend Ali and his brother Nik, who hate each other walk down the isle together.
Posted by opp282009[/QUOTE]

Well you should have told him he didn't have a choice in the matter. That is your fault. Honestly it sounds like you guys have some issues you need to work out besides the brother thing. If he wants his brother to be BM then let him be best man. Voice your concerns to your FI and have him talk to his brother to make sure he doesn't try to ruin your wedding day (although no body can ruin it for you really).

quotequeen · May 2010

When he says you don't have any say in the matter, you should respond that he had input into your bridal party so it's only fair that you have input on his side. If that argument doesn't convince him that you two need to have an adult conversation about who you're both going to have standing up with you, then you have a serious problem.

emarston1 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_bestman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:93154249-ce3a-49c7-a1be-fe0c19c86dc1Post:067cd0e2-7287-4c26-98a6-8161f15ed4bb">Re: Bestman?</a>:
[QUOTE]I really do believe he would ruin my wedding and I really don't want him making the best man speach. I can picture it now "Hello everyone this is my brother and he is making the biggest mistake of his life."
Posted by opp282009[/QUOTE]

Even if he did do this (and trust me that's a HUGE if), this would reflect poorly on him, not you. He would look like an a-hole and your FI (his brother) would not be happy. My FI was BM at his brother's wedding and didn't care for the bride, but he still made a very nice speech, despite his feelings.

It is possible for people who don't like each other to still act like adults, not children.

AmandalovesAl · May 2010

Yeah first you do have a lot of talking to do...it sounds very childish. Also, if he DOES do something stupid at the wedding, HE is the one who is going to look like an idiot. Why don't you try and sit down with the BM and try and talk it out?

Sounds like there isn't a lot of talking going on to each other, just behind each others backs.

opp282009 · May 2010

I know it seems childish and I have tried to talk it out with the BM, but he is very childish, which me and my FI have had multiple conversations about. Seriously the man is twenty-seven owns his own house but won't do his laundry or his dishes, or cook for himself and clean up anything. My FI lives with him and he does his laundry and the dishes and cleans up everything and cooks for him. And if I cook I have to make enough for him. He expects it, it isn't that he can't he just won't and if either my FI or me, who don't even live there, hasn't done the dishes he says that I am being lazy and I am the woman so I should clean.

I have looked past a lot of crap but I am not the maid. I still ask him how he is doing every time I see him and if he is going to work have a good day at work. Me and my FI have had multiple conversations about this and he agrees it is bs. I am sick of going to go hang out with my FI and have to do housework because if I don't do it I am not going to be able to have a glass. My FI went away for the week and when we got back there was not a single dish in the cupboard and a pile of dirty laundry up to your knees.

Really me and my FI don't have to many problems except his brother. And we only have him as an issue because I'm sick of being the mother of a grown man and he can never say one nice thing to me.

emarston1 · May 2010

OP -

This is going to sound harsh but I truly don't mean it to be. JUST STOP CLEANING/COOKING FOR HIM. That's it. It's that simple. Both you and your FI are enabling him to behave this way. He's a grown man, he will not starve if you aren't there to feed him.

Life is too short to be treated like crap, so stop putting yourself in a situation to be treated in that manner. If your FI lives with him, stop going over there. Have your FI come visit you. Your FI knows the situation and should understand that you deserve to be treated better than a maid just "because you are a woman." And honestly, I would have serious issues if my FI allowed his brother to treat me this way.

You need to step out of the situation and let your FI handle his brother (and he should rather than just putting up with him.) You are going to be his wife and he needs to support you and not make excuses for his brother. If he agrees that it's BS, he needs to man up and actually do something about it.

Side note - you should come by the Detroit board, there are lots of knotties there willing to help with all things wedding and non-wedding related. GL

opp282009 · May 2010

Yea but I still live with my parents and my parents are really strict. So it is no fun being at my house. I mean even though we are engaged we still have to follow the rules. I mean if we are on the couch we have to be a cushion away and have both feet on the ground and no sloching strict. or one of us has to be on the couch and the other on a chair. no sitting on the ground, no pillows, or blankets. No going into your room. So it is more comfortable to be at his place.

And if we don't do the dishes there will be none and I like dishes to use and I can't stand a full counter of dishes. Yes I have tried to stop cleaning for him but then I just get to disgusted with the way the house looks. My FI works from 3:30 A.M. till 5 P.M. and when he gets home he is exhuasted and I feel bad he has to take care of his brother but I don't want to do it.

My FI and his brother have had lots of fights about it. But he stills puts up with it because its his brother. I feel that since he was the youngest he was taken care of to much by everyone.

Bestman?

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