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Need help.. I dont know what to do...
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Not sure if this is the right place to put this but, need help before it drives me crazy. My boyfriend, after many times of me asking him not to, keeps leaving dishes all around the bedroom, includin
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Need help.. I dont know what to do...
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Not sure if this is the right place to put this but, need help before it drives me crazy. My boyfriend, after many times of me asking him not to, keeps leaving dishes all around the bedroom, includin
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Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:e57d0bce-ae78-4f87-9368-f2969454690a
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Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:18 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
01-25-2012
NORTH CAROLINA 9527631139555263
Posts: 13
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Last: 2/8/2012
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Not sure if this is the right place to put this but, need help before it drives me crazy.
My boyfriend, after many times of me asking him not to, keeps leaving dishes all around the bedroom, including his oreos by the bed and his empty glasses of milk (which we all know when the milk is gone it causes a residue if not rinsed out). At one point I pulled 8 glasses out of the bedroom to wash, UGH!!!!. When he has a day off and I'm working and I ask him to do something like laundry or pick up the bedroom he says he was already planing to do that for me. Guess what.... IT'S NOT DONE!!!!! And I get this "Oh ####, I totally forgot about that. Now I feel like a jerk." Everytime this is what happens. He makes more money than I do but doesn't have to put in as much time (I work 5-6 days a week, and he only has to put in 3-4) so he pays for the larger bills. Because of this arrangement, I try to make sure I take care of the cleaning, laundry, etc house work. But is it too much to ask for him to help me out when he's off and I'm not. I'm getting worn out from working my butt off and coming home and cleaning when he's layed around and watch tv all day. I've talked about this to him and he starts helping, but only for a little bit. I've tried leaving it laying around to make a point that I'm not picking up after a grown man but then it just doesnt get done at all. I always end up cleaning up the kitchen, no matter who cooks b/c he makes the excuse to go to the bathroom in the middle of doing the dishes. Or if he does do the laundry, he washes and dries and leaves it crumpled in the basket by the dryer (one time in plastic bags b/c he ran out of room in the laundry basket) for me to come home and fold and put away. WHAT DO I DOOO!!!!!!!!!
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:25 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
08-14-2010
PITTSBURGH 7873174069018669
Posts: 18399
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Last: 5/24/2012
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In Response to Need help.. I dont know what to do...:
Not sure if this is the right place to put this but, need help before it drives me crazy. My boyfriend, after many times of me asking him not to, keeps leaving dishes all around the bedroom, including his oreos by the bed and his empty glasses of milk (which we all know when the milk is gone it causes a residue if not rinsed out). At one point I pulled 8 glasses out of the bedroom to wash, UGH!!!!. When he has a day off and I'm working and I ask him to do something like laundry or pick up the bedroom he says he was already planing to do that for me. Guess what.... IT'S NOT DONE!!!!! And I get this "Oh ####, I totally forgot about that. Now I feel like a jerk." Everytime this is what happens. He makes more money than I do but doesn't have to put in as much time (I work 5-6 days a week, and he only has to put in 3-4) so he pays for the larger bills. Because of this arrangement, I try to make sure I take care of the cleaning, laundry, etc house work. But is it too much to ask for him to help me out when he's off and I'm not. I'm getting worn out from working my butt off and coming home and cleaning when he's layed around and watch tv all day. I've talked about this to him and he starts helping, but only for a little bit. I've tried leaving it laying around to make a point that I'm not picking up after a grown man but then it just doesnt get done at all. I always end up cleaning up the kitchen, no matter who cooks b/c he makes the excuse to go to the bathroom in the middle of doing the dishes. Or if he does do the laundry, he washes and dries and leaves it crumpled in the basket by the dryer (one time in plastic bags b/c he ran out of room in the laundry basket) for me to come home and fold and put away. WHAT DO I DOOO!!!!!!!!!
Posted by Lauren Frost
I have the same problem with my husband. I just deal with it because I'm the picky one.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:25 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
05-04-2009
NORTH CAROLINA 4848770328148941
Posts: 6736
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Last: 5/23/2012
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I think you need to have a very long, but calm conversation with him and let him know exactly how you feel about what's going on. Things don't change instantly, but with time, things can get better. With that said, both parties need to be on board.
Something like this would drive me absolutely up the wall. I am not my husbands mama. While Im a SAHW at the moment, and I do a lot of the household chores, DH also helps out equally with other things around the home.
Good luck.
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"I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila."
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:37 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
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Sit him down and explain that you're tired and finding it tough to get everything done. As harsh as it sounds my fi used to ALWAYS leave his clothes on the bathroom floor. ALWAYS and it's a really tiny thing but it used to drive me NUTS. He doesn't even have to do the laundry, just get the clothes from the bathroom floor to the laundry hamper. So after ages and ages of explaining I finally instituted a rule that I wasn't gonna wash any clothes that weren't in the hamper. After a week he ran out of shirts and boxers and had to do like 3 loads of his own laundry just so he had clean clothes the next week. After that his clothes were ALWAYS in the hamper! It worked great!
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:38 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
01-25-2012
NORTH CAROLINA 9527631139555263
Posts: 13
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Last: 2/8/2012
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I've tried the talking thing but it seems now the only thing I could do is blow up at him and maybe that would get his attention, but I don't want it to come to that because I know it isnt the right way to solve this but IDK what else to do.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:47 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
09-16-2009
DETROIT 4634887171998210
Posts: 9384
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Last: 4/10/2012
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Out of curiosity, how old is he? DH has gotten much better about that kind of stuff the older he's gotten.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:50 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
01-25-2012
NORTH CAROLINA 9527631139555263
Posts: 13
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Last: 2/8/2012
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emarston1- he's 28 (6 years older than me).. which is what makes it get on my nerves even more
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:53 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
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DALLAS-FORT WORTH 4308063728922484
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In Response to Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...:
I've tried the talking thing but it seems now the only thing I could do is blow up at him and maybe that would get his attention, but I don't want it to come to that because I know it isnt the right way to solve this but IDK what else to do.
Posted by Lauren Frost
Don't do this. It will only make things worse. I usually leave the things like dishes for a couple of days. Then by the time I go to do them FI remembers as soon as I pick up the first one he comes a-runnin.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:57 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
10-23-2009
INDIANA 9011919320027819
Posts: 16799
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How long have you lived together?
H and I really struggled with this when we first moved in together. I am much more of a clean freak than he is. We had a few blowups about it and I felt like I was nagging at other times, but things eventually worked themselves out. My biggest point to him was that I felt like he wasn't respecting my time. We were both working 40+ hours a week, but I was doing much more around the house. Over the last couple of years, we've fallen into a routine and the division of labor is much more even.
He still leaves socks laying around from time to time and I don't squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom.  There will probably always be one thing that continues to annoy you two about each other.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 8:58 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
01-25-2012
NORTH CAROLINA 9527631139555263
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Last: 2/8/2012
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The issue with that is our roommate starts complaining that theres dishes in the sink that need to be washed. We use her dishes because we don't have enough room to put 2 sets of dishes until we get our own place by ourselves.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 9:01 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
05-04-2009
NORTH CAROLINA 4848770328148941
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Yeah, being 28, he should know how to clean up after himself. However, I would suggest you not blow up at him. Things like that don't help the situations at all. I know you said you've talked to him, but have you had a serious heart to heart about how it makes you feel or was it more of a generic 'Honey, you need to clean up more' conversation?
While some people grow up and do start picking up after themselves, you don't want to start to resent the fact that he isn't right now. It kind of sounds like you've already got a little bit of resentment since you're working more days and having to put in more hours while at home too. You don't want something like that to grow on you and really get under your skin.
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"I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila."
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 9:01 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
01-25-2012
NORTH CAROLINA 9527631139555263
Posts: 13
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Last: 2/8/2012
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We've lived together for almost a year. I think we need to get our own place ASAP. I think that would help out a lot. Him and our roommate butt heads a lot so I'm starting to wonder if some (but I know not all) is retaliation towards her just to get on her nerves.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 9:04 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
01-25-2012
NORTH CAROLINA 9527631139555263
Posts: 13
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Last: 2/8/2012
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Theres been one or two sit down talks and quite a few "I really need more help" comments.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 9:08 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
01-24-2012
CONNECTICUT 5826630245917146
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As long as you continue to eventually pick up the mess, there is no motive for him to do it. If you resolve the issue before he sees it as a problem, you're enabling the behavior. Are there underlying issues....maybe he is depressed and the laziness is sort of beyond him? I dated a slob and it went beyond him being a mama's boy and expecting a female to pick up after him. He felt like he wasn't good enough and instead of putting forth an effort to prove his thoughts wrong, he just fell in to this horrible funk and couldn't shake it.
I'm not saying that this may be your case, but I can promise that as long as you allow it to happen -- drag the dirty glasses out and put them in the dishwasher or clean up his mess yourself -- he is not going to get the message. It's hard to say how to treat the situation.
Can you put ant traps out and tell him you found ants and just say you both have to be really good about picking up your messes or else you'll get infested? Maybe do the "we/us" approach so he gets the hint but doesnt feel attacked?
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 9:45 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
02-20-1999
SOUTH FLORIDA 441718937509867
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try writing a letter, i tend to get my thoughts across better that way and don't blow up. Maybe include a pic of the mess he leaves around so he can see it from ur eyes.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 9:47 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
01-24-2012
CONNECTICUT 5826630245917146
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In Response to Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...:
try writing a letter, i tend to get my thoughts across better that way and don't blow up. Maybe include a pic of the mess he leaves around so he can see it from ur eyes.
Posted by katslack
This is a really, really good idea!
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/8/2012 9:59 PM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
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CONNECTICUT 9882479812583126
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Honestly, in cases like this, I'm a fan of good old-fashioned nagging. Every day that he puts off doing the dishes, keep reminding him to do them. Give him as much time as you can to do it himself, then keep asking until it gets done.
I advise this because I HATE when I wait until I can't stand it anymore before I say something, and the person makes it sound like it's the first time I'm asking and they're so surprised.
Once, I swore I had asked my roommate ten times not to leave her stinky take-out containers in the bedroom trash, and when I finally asked her about it, I realized I had never actually vocalized that it bothered me--I just silently took the trash out myself. I know in your case, you've asked him about it before, but basically I just mean to keep at it. :)
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/9/2012 2:25 AM EST
on theknot.com
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*Moderator*
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GRAND RAPIDS 7815290658300544
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What struck me in your OP was that you're asking him to help, and he's saying that he was already going to do that for you.
It's his home too, and it doesn't sound to me like he's taking any responsibility. By continuing to ask him to 'help out', and by not calling him on it when he says he was going to do a chore 'for you', you're perpetuating his view that all of this is your job.
I've always been dumbfounded when I hear a man say he has to babysit his own children. When they're your own children, you're not babysitting. You're parenting. I guarantee that if he continues to look at his responsibilities as though they're your responsibilities alone, and that he is helping, he will be a dad who babysits.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/9/2012 10:26 AM EST
on theknot.com
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This is really uncool. I laid down a rule when I moved in right away that just because I am the one who likes things cleaner doesn't mean that I'll be doing all the work. At first he didn't seem to "get" it and it caused several fights within the first month of us living together but it's gotten a lot better.
I've found way to make compromises so we're both happy. I hate laundry on the floor and he just can't seem to put it in the basket so we got him a clothes rack that goes on his side of the bed and he leaves them there - it's not 100% what I want but it's better then seeing his stuff on the floor.
He cooks once a week and is responsible for finding a recipe. He also does all the dishes and I do all the sweeping (freaking dog hair). But that's becuase I hate dishes and he hates sweeping.
It's still our biggest issue, but he's gotten a lot better. I often leave him notes since he gets home before I do. Things like "Hi honey, hope you had a great day! Could you please take the garbage out and do XYZ. Be home at 6. XOXO" I find if I only put one or two things on the list most of the time it's done when I get home.
It sounds like you guys need to have a serious but calm talk. If my FI did what yours is doing after a year of living together I'd be furious.
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/9/2012 12:40 PM EST
on theknot.com
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DH works longer hours than me,so I do about 90% of the house work, but he has set chores, like garbage and dishwasher (including rounding up dishes through out the house) and he has to cook on thursdays and clean the kitchen after, these are things that he can do to my standard (I asked him to clean the washroom a few times and he did an awful job) and that way I don't feel like I am responsible for ALL the housework and he doesn't feel like I am always nagging him to clean. Once he got into remembering that he has his chores he does them without me even asking anymore.
ETA: These are also chores he doesn't mind, we sat down together and he picked what things he would like to be responsible for
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Re: Need help.. I dont know what to do...
posted at 2/11/2012 1:22 AM EST
on theknot.com
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Joined on
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NEW ORLEANS 9412143237718737
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You guys need to sit down and have a serious conversation about how the household chores are going to get done. They are not YOUR chores. You both live there, therefore you are both responsible for them. FI and I had to divide up the chores. We both work full time so we split the cleaning evenly. There were certain things that neither one of us really like to do. He hates doing dishes but loves to cook. So he cooks most of the time and I take care of the dishes. I hate taking out the trash so thats his responsibility. If its full and he doesnt realize it, a simple "hey honey the trash is getting full. Can you run it outside?" usually does the trick. if hes in a lazy mood I will pull the bag, tie it up, and go sit it right next to his chair. Its usually outside within 10 minutes :) We will also alternate on things like bathrooms. One week he will do it and the next week I will.
Every couple has a different system and you guys need to figure out what works for you. Right now you're getting nothing out of him. Figure out what approach he will respond to best. Nagging never works for my FI. But making his life inconvenient or unpleasant does. So thats what I do. If he leaves clothes all over, then they dont get washed. There have been times where he had to rush and wash clothes to go to work cause his shirts never made it to the hamper. Right after that happens, he's usually fantastic about getting the dirty clothes in the hamper.
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