Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

so, when i first got engaged, me and my FI talked about the children situation. i thought we were both on the same page that we did not want children under the age of 13 (with the exception of our younger sisters who will both be 12 by the time the wedding comes) at the wedding (yes, that ment cutting off my two baby sisters -ages 4 & 5- and at least half of my nieces & nephews and 2 of his nephews)

so TODAY he picks an arguement with me about something we originally agreed on. i suggested having them go with one of our family nannies. (they were all my nannies as a child and all of them are still the nannies to all my nieces and nephews). he pulls the "i don't know them" card (because they weren't at my brother's birthday party when we were in GA in October--they were babysitting my nieces & nephews!) i'm telling him that we can set something up so he can meet them (which i was planning to do anyway for our two flower girls and our ring boy) and all of a sudden it's not okay. like WTF? i don't want kids (expect our bridal party children) under the age of 13 at the wedding.

then he suggests nobody under 21 at the reception. REALLY? he knows i put my two oldest nieces in the wedding (one of them JUST turned 18 in September and the other will be 21 in January.) call me a bridezilla, but am i wrong for not backing down?

AdeleDazeem · December 2012

You aren't allowing your two younger sisters to come to your wedding?

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:446500cf-f202-4e55-a81e-2185bd5bfa5d">Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]so, when i first got engaged, me and my FI talked about the children situation. i thought we were both on the same page that we did not want children under the age of 13 (with the exception of our younger sisters who will both be 12 by the time the wedding comes) at the wedding (yes, that ment cutting off my two baby sisters -ages 4 & 5- and at least half of my nieces & nephews and 2 of his nephews) so TODAY he picks an arguement with me about something we originally agreed on. i suggested having them go with one of our family nannies. (they were all my nannies as a child and all of them are still the nannies to all my nieces and nephews). he pulls the "i don't know them" card (because they weren't at my brother's birthday party when we were in GA in October--they were babysitting my nieces & nephews!) i'm telling him that we can set something up so he can meet them (which i was planning to do anyway for our two flower girls and our ring boy) and all of a sudden it's not okay. like WTF? i don't want kids (expect our bridal party children) under the age of 13 at the wedding. then he suggests nobody under 21 at the reception. REALLY? he knows i put my two oldest nieces in the wedding (one of them JUST turned 18 in September and the other will be 21 in January.) call me a bridezilla, but am i wrong for not backing down?
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

It depends. What are his arguments now for having children under the age of 13? What are his arguments for having no one under 21? I think you both need to compromise, as this will be the least of your issues when it comes to things to compromise on in married life.

Since you've already asked people who are under 21 to be a part of the wedding, it would be rude to kick them out. However, it is perfectly acceptable for the only exception to be those in the wedding party or those that are family.

FWIW, it's pretty rude to split up families, especially with such an arbitrary age cut-off AND especially considering they are your own sisters. Does this cut-off split any other families? Or only yours (parents/siblings)?

jennipea382 · December 2012

I have to agree with PP.. I find it odd that you're allowing children of your WP but not your own siblings. What about inviting the kids AND the nanny, and having the nanny watch the kids? Our best man and on of my bridesmaids have 2 kids that will be there and we invited BM's sisters partially to watch the kids for them (and also because FI has known them forever). Just a thought.

For the reception, it really depends what you're doing. If it's at a bar or something, I could maybe understand the 21+ thing, but that's really not fair for anyone that came to the ceremony that isn't 21+. The reception should be a thank you for those who spent the day with you (especially your WP). I'd feel a bit left out if I were say, 19 and got invited to the ceremony but not the reception, and it was only because of my age. I'd feel even more hurt if I had spent money on a BM dress and spent all day with you and didn't get to celebrate because I wasn't of age. So, long story short, I wouldn't limit it like that.

ETA: Sorry, must have read that wrong. Ignore the WP children comment, I reread it and didn't see that mentioned. What I should have said was that it's weird to only invite some of your own siblings when the only reason you're not inviting them is because of their age, not because you don't speak to them or something.

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:7ed02052-7542-4111-83e9-60baf22c3f7a">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]You aren't allowing your two younger sisters to come to your wedding?
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

honestly no.
they don't behave or listen and it's because my mother doesn't make them. my sister got married last year and my youngest sister said REALLY loudly "this is boring. i want to want spongebob." i refuse to have that happen.

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:2a0e30ee-7ec0-4102-9f7b-9d35d0969376">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : It depends. What are his arguments now for having children under the age of 13? What are his arguments for having no one under 21? I think you both need to compromise, as this will be the least of your issues when it comes to things to compromise on in married life. Since you've already asked people who are under 21 to be a part of the wedding, it would be rude to kick them out. However, it is perfectly acceptable for the only exception to be those in the wedding party or those that are family. FWIW, it's pretty rude to split up families, especially with such an arbitrary age cut-off AND especially considering they are your own sisters. Does this cut-off split any other families? Or only yours (parents/siblings)?
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

his ONLY reason being we are having alcohol at the reception. i already asked my niece to be in my wedding. so i told him if that was how he really felt, then he could be the one to tell her 1) she's not in the wedding after all or 2) she can't come to the reception. he didn't say anything. i have three younger sisters under the age of (currently 11, 4 and 3, but they will be 12, 5 & 4 by the time my wedding gets here.) and i only excluded my baby sisters because of their behavior. my mother understood that which is how my family nannies got in it. his younger sister (who is currently 11, will be 12) was the other expection. and i honestly don't want the two younger nephews there. (they're 8 & 9) and they're both bad, rude and disrespectful.

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:c488603d-7605-401d-a04e-09cfb5967728">Re:Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]So YOU want to exclude HIS nephews because they don't meet your arbitrary age requirement, but you're pissed because HE suggested excluding YOUR nieces because they don't meet his arbitrary age requirement. You both sound wrong.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

the difference is, my nieces are in the wedding party (and they're way older). his nephews are just rude and disrespectful brats. (sounds harsh, but it's true)

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:b77fb4cd-5665-4c82-bfb4-67e743dc1642">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I have to agree with PP.. I find it odd that you're allowing children of your WP but not your own siblings. What about inviting the kids AND the nanny, and having the nanny watch the kids? Our best man and on of my bridesmaids have 2 kids that will be there and we invited BM's sisters partially to watch the kids for them (and also because FI has known them forever). Just a thought. For the reception, it really depends what you're doing. If it's at a bar or something, I could maybe understand the 21+ thing, but that's really not fair for anyone that came to the ceremony that isn't 21+. The reception should be a thank you for those who spent the day with you (especially your WP). I'd feel a bit left out if I were say, 19 and got invited to the ceremony but not the reception, and it was only because of my age. I'd feel even more hurt if I had spent money on a BM dress and spent all day with you and didn't get to celebrate because I wasn't of age. So, long story short, I wouldn't limit it like that. ETA: Sorry, must have read that wrong. Ignore the WP children comment, I reread it and didn't see that mentioned. What I should have said was that it's weird to only invite some of your own siblings when the only reason you're not inviting them is because of their age, not because you don't speak to them or something.
Posted by jennipea382[/QUOTE]

i understand that. my younger sisters are my mom & stepdad's kids. i love the girls, but they are sooo misbehaved. they're currently 3 and 4. my 4-year-old sister apparently tells my stepdad "shut the hell up" all the time (according to my brother who still lives at my mom's house). they don't listen to my mother (well, honestly, none of us did growing up, my dad was enforcer.)

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:9f603903-30f3-4d60-b2d4-2794811ab977">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : his ONLY reason being we are having alcohol at the reception. i already asked my niece to be in my wedding. so i told him if that was how he really felt, then he could be the one to tell her 1) she's not in the wedding after all or 2) she can't come to the reception. he didn't say anything. i have three younger sisters under the age of (currently 11, 4 and 3, but they will be 12, 5 & 4 by the time my wedding gets here.) and i only excluded my baby sisters because of their behavior. my mother understood that which is how my family nannies got in it. his younger sister (who is currently 11, will be 12) was the other expection. and i honestly don't want the two younger nephews there. (they're 8 & 9) and they're both bad, rude and disrespectful.
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

Except, those aren't your only two options.
Option 3) Your niece, who is in the wedding, can stand in your ceremony and attend the reception because she is in the wedding party.

That said, I think it can be construed as rude to pick and choose which children you want to invite because of behavior. If someone were to confront you about why you chose 13 as the cut-off (but made some exceptions), what would you say? It is your right to do so. But I think you should be prepared for some drama and/or fall-out over it.

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:6ebf9bf8-0854-4b3d-9abd-8375d6bdf8fe">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : Except, those aren't your only two options. Option 3) Your niece, who is in the wedding, can stand in your ceremony and attend the reception because she is in the wedding party. That said, I think it can be construed as rude to pick and choose which children you want to invite because of behavior. If someone were to confront you about why you chose 13 as the cut-off (but made some exceptions), what would you say? It is your right to do so. But I think you should be prepared for some drama and/or fall-out over it.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

i picked 13 as a cut off because i feel like that's when i child can truly understand the meaning of a wedding and not ruin it. i've been to plenty of weddings (between having 14 brothers and sisters and a boat load of cousins) i've watched how my family acts. it's not pretty. and i don't want that. nothing else about my wedding seems to be going my way, so why can't i have this one little thing? it's not like i said, oh well since they're under 13, that's your problem on finding a babysitter. my siblings with children understand my thought (given what happened at my sister's wedding 3 years ago). that is why i talked to my family nannies about providing childcare. (the only people really with children under the age of the 13 is my family, besides his two nephews).

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:c3ca343b-2e6d-4638-a471-e67220e0a610">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : i picked 13 as a cut off because i feel like that's when i child can truly understand the meaning of a wedding and not ruin it. i've been to plenty of weddings (between having 14 brothers and sisters and a boat load of cousins) i've watched how my family acts. it's not pretty. and i don't want that. nothing else about my wedding seems to be going my way, so why can't i have this one little thing? it's not like i said, oh well since they're under 13, that's your problem on finding a babysitter. my siblings with children understand my thought (given what happened at my sister's wedding 3 years ago). that is why i talked to my family nannies about providing childcare. (the only people really with children under the age of the 13 is my family, besides his two nephews).
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

Perhaps your fiance is worried that HIS family will not understand and will not be comfortable leaving their children with your family's nannies. Given the lack of respect and the behavioral issues you are talking about with you and your siblings, I can't say that I blame him.

This is something that you and he need to reach a compromise on.

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:508650f1-319f-497c-b246-99005ac25c4e">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : Perhaps your fiance is worried that HIS family will not understand and will not be comfortable leaving their children with your family's nannies. Given the lack of respect and the behavioral issues you are talking about with you and your siblings, I can't say that I blame him. This is something that you and he need to reach a compromise on.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

i just don't understand how he doesn't see the behavior issues that i see.. esoecially with his youngest nephew. he's the RUDEST child i have EVER met. he curses at adults, he kicked his teacher at school. he thinks rules don't apply to him. quite frankly my FSIL babies him and lets him get away with it. i just feel like it's not fair to me or my guests to have misbehaved children at my wedding... like is that wrong?

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:5a597c06-e421-4bb4-bb5f-1114d82e49ce">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : i just don't understand how he doesn't see the behavior issues that i see.. esoecially with his youngest nephew. he's the RUDEST child i have EVER met. he curses at adults, he kicked his teacher at school. he thinks rules don't apply to him. quite frankly my FSIL babies him and lets him get away with it. i just feel like it's not fair to me or my guests to have misbehaved children at my wedding... like is that wrong?
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

So, just like in your other thread (over on E), you're going to throw out every suggestion people give you... so why bother asking?

Seriously, whether or not to invite kids or at what age to "cut-off" the guest list is NOT that big of a compromise in the scheme of a relationship. If you two cannot reach a compromise on this, how are bigger things - like disciplining your own children - going to go?

MyNameIsNot · December 2012

You are wrong to expect that your FSIL or anyone else will leave their child with someone they've never met. The fact that it was/is your nanny or that you set up a meeting with your FI before the wedding isn't going to change that. Expecting a parent to leave their child with someone who is a stranger to them is not going to work. Parents of children who are not invited can arrange their own childcare or decline the invitation.

Your comments about "putting your foot down" and pushing your FI to do things your way reflect that you don't understand that this is his wedding just as much as it is yours. His opinion doesn't count for less than yours just because he is the groom and you are the bride. If you are going to marry this person, you need to figure out how to sit down and have a conversation about something you don't agree about and work out a compromise where you can both be happy. If you and your FI can't do that together, the wedding is the least of your problems.

There's no right or wrong answer on whether to invite kids. You can invite whatever children you and your FI decide you want to. Choosing an arbitraty age cut off is not likely to result in a compromise that you're both happy with. Instead, you'd be better off doing adult only except siblings, or siblings and siblings' children.

Either way, if it's important for him to have his neices and nephews be invited, that trumps your desire to avoid childish behavior from children. If a child saying she'd rather watch Spongebob is going to ruin your wedding, you're never going to be happy with your wedding anyway. You're making a huge problem out of something that shouldn't effect you.

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:a8cd1577-400d-4fa3-92ac-e9b1ffb0e123">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]You are wrong to expect that your FSIL or anyone else will leave their child with someone they've never met. The fact that it was/is your nanny or that you set up a meeting with your FI before the wedding isn't going to change that. *Expecting a parent to leave their child with someone who is a stranger to them is not going to work. Parents of children who are not invited can arrange their own childcare or decline the invitation. Your comments about "putting your foot down" and pushing your FI to do things your way reflect that **you don't understand that this is his wedding just as much as it is yours. His opinion doesn't count for less than yours just because he is the groom and you are the bride. If you are going to marry this person, you need to figure out how to sit down and have a conversation about something you don't agree about and work out a compromise where you can both be happy. If you and your FI can't do that together, the wedding is the least of your problems. There's no right or wrong answer on whether to invite kids. You can invite whatever children you and your FI decide you want to. Choosing an arbitraty age cut off is not likely to result in a compromise that you're both happy with. ***Instead, you'd be better off doing adult only except siblings, or siblings and siblings' children. Either way, if it's important for him to have his neices and nephews be invited, that trumps your desire to avoid childish behavior from children. ****If a child saying she'd rather watch Spongebob is going to ruin your wedding, you're never going to be happy with your wedding anyway. You're making a huge problem out of something that shouldn't effect you.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

*his sister left her children with me for over 3 hours the first time she met me.. she banged on our apartment door and said, "oh you must be Josh's GF (this was 2 years ago)" handed me her kids and left. she knew my FI was three hours away for work and just left them there. so why get uptight about a nanny who's worked for my family for over 30 years?

**nothing about my wedding is going my way, so why can't i have this one thing?

***suggested that.. only added more heat to the fire.

****would you want some brat saying that loudly at YOUR wedding?

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:7d1f99c3-04f6-43a1-ad72-c21cfa1078cc">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : i'm not throwing out every suggestion. i just don't get why his sister can't meet my nanny to watch the boys? (not that she would care anyway. for example, when i first moved to MI to be with my FI, she stopped by the apartment we were living in-keep in mind, had NEVER met me- and left her youngest two with me for over 3 hours!) so, why get uptight about a nanny who's worked for my family for over 30 years?
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

Perhaps because of how "good" of a job the nannies have done with your family? You talk about how you and your siblings were all disrespectful to your mom, how your younger siblings continue to be disrespectful to people. Perhaps she doesn't have a lot of confidence in the people who work for your family?

Really, the nanny is not the issue here. The issue is a lack of ability to compromise with your future husband over minute details of one day of your life together.

You cannot invite children to your reception and expect them to be left with someone other than their parents. You can offer the nanny service, but you cannot expect people to use it. So you and your FI need to decide - TOGETHER - what is the best decision for your (as in BOTH of you) wedding day.

KellyBrian2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:ce355ba5-6cb2-4fb5-8c06-2f7a5db545dc">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : *his sister left her children with me for over 3 hours the first time she met me.. she banged on our apartment door and said, "oh you must be Josh's GF (this was 2 years ago)" handed me her kids and left. she knew my FI was three hours away for work and just left them there. so why get uptight about a nanny who's worked for my family for over 30 years? **nothing about my wedding is going my way, so why can't i have this one thing? ***suggested that.. only added more heat to the fire. ****would you want some brat saying that loudly at YOUR wedding?
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

1st Bolded: Then it sounds like you have much bigger issues than planning a wedding. It sounds like you and your FI don't know how to compromise, and you cannot expect that to magically change after you're married just because you're husband and wife.

2nd Bolded: H's one year old nephew CRIED during our entire ceremony. His cousin wound up stepping out of the ceremony space with him during our vows. We also had people showing up late and walking in during the ceremony, including a good friend of mine who tried to walk in at the FRONT of the ceremony and was shooed to the back by one of the groomsmen. I didn't notice ANY of it. Why? Because I was so focused on marrying the love of my life that the rest of the world was blank to me. If "some brat" had "said loudly" that she'd rather be watching Spongebob than attending my ceremony, I likely wouldn't have noticed. Though, given our ceremony, it probably would have gotten a good laugh (just like H's parents jumping the gun on responding to the reverend's request for a blessing and H forgetting to unscrew the cap on the win bottle before trying to pour it in our wine ceremony).

jennylee813 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:a64c7bb4-fe32-4199-bae0-1150a0856e33">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : 1st Bolded: Then it sounds like you have much bigger issues than planning a wedding. It sounds like you and your FI don't know how to compromise, and you cannot expect that to magically change after you're married just because you're husband and wife. 2nd Bolded: H's one year old nephew CRIED during our entire ceremony. His cousin wound up stepping out of the ceremony space with him during our vows. We also had people showing up late and walking in during the ceremony, including a good friend of mine who tried to walk in at the FRONT of the ceremony and was shooed to the back by one of the groomsmen. I didn't notice ANY of it. Why? Because I was so focused on marrying the love of my life that the rest of the world was blank to me. If "some brat" had "said loudly" that she'd rather be watching Spongebob than attending my ceremony, I likely wouldn't have noticed. Though, given our ceremony, it probably would have gotten a good laugh (just like H's parents jumping the gun on responding to the reverend's request for a blessing and H forgetting to unscrew the cap on the win bottle before trying to pour it in our wine ceremony).
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

Agree Kelly! So many people lose focus on this. THIS is what it's supposed to be about, not whether or not you're 'getting your own way' about the details. The only thing that should matter is that you and your FI are married at the end of the day, not what your siblings/neices/nephews are doing.

Stuff happens.

And I agree with PPs - sounds like you and your FI need to learn the art of compromise, and not just for wedding planning.

Overall, you have a really negative attitude towards all of the children on both sides of your family. You repeatedly call them brats. I know that not every child is a perfect little angel, but you've not said one nice thing about any of them. I don't get along with my sister, and think that her children could be better behaved, but I'd never call them brats. They're kids. They have their moments. Guess what? We all do - and you're having one right now.

Asking for advice and shooting it all down is the same thing as a kid's temper tantrum. You want us all to say that you're right and everything should be done your way. Sorry, it isn't going to happen.

arendiva · December 2012

I think it's fine not to have kids at a wedding. I think it's fine to have arbitrary age cut offs. I think it's preferable if you are consistent about following your age cut -off. Would it be possible to make 12 the age cut off? That way your two sisters could come without having to be exceptions to the rule.

As for the no one under 21 at the reception piece. Anyone invited to the ceremony needs to be invited to the receptions. So either the whole event is 21+ or none of it is. it would be the pinacle of rudeness to expect your 18 year old cousin to buy a dress, stand up with you at your ceremony, and then not even get to have dinner or dance with you just because she isn't old enough to drink alcohol.

Kate61487 · December 2012

I personally feel like people shouldn't get votes on who's NOT invited; just on who is. If your FI wants someone there (and you're not over your count for budget/fire codes) then he should get to have them there. Likewise if you want someone there; unless they've physically threatened violence against your FI or something then he shouldn't get to veto that guest.

You've already made several exceptions to your 'rules' about children so at this point why try to pretend that there are rules? You don't want your sisters there, so you don't invite them, that's fine. If he DOES want his nephews there then he should get to have them b/c it's his day too.

But in reality I'm having trouble even figuring out what it is your FI wants. First you make it sound like he wants kids, but then he is suggesting (facetiously or not?) that it should be 21+ only? 18+ only would make way more sense since you have a 19yo in your BP, but that wouldn't have your 12yo sisters there and it sounds like you want them. And it's not your job to find childcare for anyone. People will find their own sitters or they can not come. You two need to sit down and talk about who you each want to be there; forgetting about trying to make it work in clean circles (since clearly that's not working). Maybe you'll find if you stop trying to make rules that your ideal guest list has the same people on it.

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

it finally clicked last night why his nephews shouldn't be at the wedding. (more disruptive behavior from yesterday.. long story). so no, the nephews are not invited. and whoever made the remark about the nannies having us and why we didn't have respect for our mother--she wasn't much of a "mother" until we were all old enough to be without her. she waited until i was 19 to play "mommy" (not to mention got pregnant with my sister who's 4) and expected to pick up where she left off when i was 7 lol. it doesn't work that way. i do not have a negative attitude towards kids. i just have no tolerance for misbehaved nes who's parents don't/won't correct them. i know not all kids are angels but a lot of the behavior can be corrected. so the ending result, people who have children under the age of 13 will be asked to leave them at home. people who show up with children under the age of 13 will be asked to leave.

MyNameIsNot · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:ce355ba5-6cb2-4fb5-8c06-2f7a5db545dc">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : *his sister left her children with me for over 3 hours the first time she met me.. she banged on our apartment door and said, "oh you must be Josh's GF (this was 2 years ago)" handed me her kids and left. she knew my FI was three hours away for work and just left them there. so why get uptight about a nanny who's worked for my family for over 30 years? **nothing about my wedding is going my way, so why can't i have this one thing? ***suggested that.. only added more heat to the fire. ****would you want some brat saying that loudly at YOUR wedding?
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

<div>No, that wouldn't bother me. But then again, I'm a mature adult and I realize that a small child's childish behavior is not about me. </div><div>
</div><div>There's nothing wrong with not wanting children at a wedding, but only if you and your FI are one the same page. His desire to have his nieces and nephews trumps your desire not to. It sounds like you've forced the issue with him and made him bow, but don't kid yourself into thinking this is over now. He is going to resent your selfish behavior, and it won't end with the wedding. Or, if your OP is any indication, he'll bring the issue up again between now and invitations. </div>

MissMolly · December 2012

My suggestion to you would be to sit back and take a breather. I went through some drama with planning FH and my wedding not so long ago, and as soon as I detached myself and started treating decisions more like business decisions instead of getting emotionally involved, it made life A LOT easier.

Relax, communicate with your FH. You guys have many options. Personally, if I were you, I would probably just eliminate children completely from the wedding (i.e., children = anyone under 18, IMHO). Talk it through, calmly, with your FH though, and go from there.

Alesha

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:ce355ba5-6cb2-4fb5-8c06-2f7a5db545dc">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : *his sister left her children with me for over 3 hours the first time she met me.. she banged on our apartment door and said, "oh you must be Josh's GF (this was 2 years ago)" handed me her kids and left. she knew my FI was three hours away for work and just left them there. so why get uptight about a nanny who's worked for my family for over 30 years? **nothing about my wedding is going my way, so why can't i have this one thing? ***suggested that.. only added more heat to the fire. ****would you want some brat saying that loudly at YOUR wedding?
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

MissMolly · December 2012

Agreed! A friend of mine got married a couple months ago, and she repeated has called children "bastards", and is a self-labeled "child hater". Her hubby also hates children, and they didn't want any at their ceremony; they got their wish; it was an adult-only day, which worked for them! These posts on children remind me of her, to a tee.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:ac5f68eb-cae1-4859-88fb-3bb7faec211a">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : Agree Kelly! So many people lose focus on this. THIS is what it's supposed to be about, not whether or not you're 'getting your own way' about the details. The only thing that should matter is that you and your FI are married at the end of the day, not what your siblings/neices/nephews are doing. Stuff happens. And I agree with PPs - sounds like you and your FI need to learn the art of compromise, and not just for wedding planning. Overall, you have a really negative attitude towards all of the children on both sides of your family. You repeatedly call them brats. I know that not every child is a perfect little angel, but you've not said one nice thing about any of them. I don't get along with my sister, and think that her children could be better behaved, but I'd never call them brats. They're kids. They have their moments. Guess what? We all do - and you're having one right now. Asking for advice and shooting it all down is the same thing as a kid's temper tantrum. You want us all to say that you're right and everything should be done your way. Sorry, it isn't going to happen.
Posted by jennylee813[/QUOTE]

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:ea92ad7a-dcd4-4f5f-b6a9-b7e8bb8451e5">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]so the ending result, people who have children under the age of 13 will be asked to leave them at home. Very bad idea. people who show up with children under the age of 13 will be asked to leave. Even worse idea.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

how is that a bad idea?

how even worse when they're being told to leave them home anyway?

MrsJoshuaParker4 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_why-do-i-freakin-bother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:36012546-0024-460c-b969-a7b83730570dPost:0a15b9d3-45dd-4a1c-aff8-4d2f6b35d453">Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent : I'm glad you found a way to make your FI go along with what you want. Oh good you're already planning on being a jerk to your guests.
Posted by LingerLonger1[/QUOTE]

how am i being a jerk for having an adult event? kids do NOT need to be at EVERYTHING. i went to a funeral yesterday and this girl comes in with ther 3 children and the children were disruptive through the entire thing. you couldn't even hear the pastor preaching!

Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent

Re: Why Do I Freakin Bother?? Vent

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