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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Adopted Mother & Half Brother problems

I just came across a problem that I don't know how to handle. I'm sure I'm not the only one with a unique family. I'm adopted by my grandparents which makes my birth mother my sister. My sister (birth mother) has a daughter, my niece, and then another son who she gave up for adoption when he was born. He has since reached out to my sister and my niece and myself as apart of his family. He is driving out for the wedding with my sister and niece.

The complication comes when my adoptive mother does not like my half brother, does not consider him part of the family, and is completely embarassed that he is coming to the wedding where she will have to explain a family member to her friends that's very "not Christian" circumstances. I can't really change how she feels about being upset with him, but my half brother considers me his sister and loves me dearly but has only known me since he turned 18 about 3 years ago.

I was listing off the groups of people who we will be taking pictures with and she flipped out when I mentioned he was taking pictures with us saying that,. "He's not our family." She would rather only have my sister and niece since they are actually family and exclude him which would greatly hurt his feelings. I consider him family too.

What do I do? My mother and father are 70. They are highly conservative, southern types and are also footing the bill for everything in the wedding. Throughout the whole process they have made it clear this wedding is about them and their friends since they are paying and have been waiting 40 years for one of their children to get married. Mostly it is their perogative since they are paying for it all. I just don't know how we are going to get past this without my mother breaking down and crying or my half brother feeling ostracized which would also offend his mother/my sister.

PS I apologize if my family dynamics are confusing. I tried to clarify as much as possible lol.
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Re: Adopted Mother & Half Brother problems

  • What if you take a pictures with your grandparents, birth mother and niece and then another set with you and your birth mother and niece and step brother?
  • LeiselEBLeiselEB member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited July 2012
    Could you take some without him in them and some without him? 

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_adopted-mother-half-brother-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a117a7f8-b0af-4bcd-80f2-aaf0ac247dc7Post:11cb9d86-9adc-4833-8efe-522baa1fbee0">Re: Adopted Mother & Half Brother problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]Could you take some without him in them and some without him? 
    Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]

    The only ones with him in it were the whole extended family photos, which were about 5 in total. The rest are mainly of my parents and brother/sister.
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  • Oh my lord. This sounds incredibly touchy. There are probably only two or three options here. 

    1) Tell your parents thank you but no thanks to the money and either pay for everything yourself as-is, or cancel what has been done and then elope.

    2) Try to take the pictures in secret. I'm not normally a fan of hiding things, but I ALSO completely disagree with how they are treating your brother. 

    3) Speak to them as frequently and passionately as possible about how it would look to their friends to ostracize your brother.
  • With money comes strings. If they're going to put you between a rock and a hard place decline their money and have the wedding you can afford. That way you can take all the pictures you want with your brother!
  • You don't have a lot of time left!
    I would probably try to talk this week with your adoptive parents and stress how much it would mean to you to have your half brother in the photos. 
    Just ask them for one photo of everyone, and then split out into separate groups.

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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2012

    I kind of know where you're coming from - my dad was conceived in an affair, and as a result has dealt his whole life with significantly older half siblings who barely acknowledge his existence b/c he brought 'scandal' to their family; a mother who acted like he stabbed her in the back when he showed affection to his step mom, etc.  I've always had the utmost respect for him because through it all he has been strong and self assured and not at all judgmental even of the family who denies him. 

    Unfortunately it now falls to you to be that strong person who embraces your family, despite your unconventional ties.

    Your mom/grandma doesn't need to explain his existance to her friends.  For all they know he's a friend or date or whatever else.  Guests who aren't in the family pictures don't need to (and likely won't) stick around for the family photos after the ceremony, so it's not like there will be lots of questions.  I would sit down with them and explain that it's important to you that he be there and that he be included in the family.  They don't have to purchase any photos with him in them, so if there is a photo they want without him in it (i.e. a 'whole family' minus him), then let it be and get that photo, but ALSO get the one you want with him.   Honestly I'd probably leave him out of the larger family photos but include him in a special one with just your bio-mom/sister and sister/niece.

    ETA - I say that last part about the photos b/c it sounds like he doesn't even know the extended family, and one of your little nuclear family would mean more to him and you at the end of the day.  Also, you wouldn't have to tell mom/gma the plan; just agree he won't be in the large family photo and then slip in the smaller one on the day of.

  • I so get where you're coming from.  Sit down with your adoptive parents and explain that it would mean the world to you to have some photos of your brother in the pictures.  Then take photos with your family according to your adoptive family, and then another set with your sister/birth-mother and your biological siblings.  Two sets of photos.

    Honestly, your adoptive mother will not have to explain his presence.  Nobody will notice because chances are, not many people will know every single person at a wedding.

    I'm in a similar situation and I'm sure I'll have to deal with this down the road.  My adoptive father is paying for half of the wedding and hates my biological family (never met them, knows nothing about them, just doesn't like them on principle even though they mean a lot to me).  I'm paying for the photographer so I'm taking my family pictures worry free!
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