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Cancer and Kids

Etiquette

Cancer and Kids

No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.

My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer and will likely be going through chemo up until basically the week before or even the week after my wedding. He's determined to be there to walk me

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Etiquette

Cancer and Kids

No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.

My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer and will likely be going through chemo up until basically the week before or even the week after my wedding. He's determined to be there to walk me

Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9

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Forums > Wedding Boards > Etiquette > Cancer and Kids

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Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 7:51 PM EST on theknot.com

pharmd2323

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My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer and will likely be going through chemo up until basically the week before or even the week after my wedding. He's determined to be there to walk me down the aisle, and I want him there more than anything. Now here's the concern - we went ahead and sent save the dates with everyone's names on them (kids included) since the guest list was pretty much completed that early (long before the diagnosis). Probably stupid to put everyone's names on the save the dates, but a little late now. The doctor said my dad can't be around children, particularly babies, and absolutely no one who has recently received a live vaccine (like the nasal spray version of the flu vaccine, and there's other examples). Our ceremony and reception space is big enough that he can avoid the children, but in the event that the doctor says absolutely no children allowed, then what do we do? My dad has already expressed that he absolutely doesn't want to wear a mask, although I'm sure he'd do whatever it takes if that's the last option - but to be honest, he's so stubborn, he'd probably go and not wear the mask. I'm thinking since the space is big enough, hopefully it won't be a problem, but I'd like to at least have a backup plan/reassurance of what to do if it does become a problem according to the doctor's orders. Any thoughts or suggestions?

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 7:55 PM EST on theknot.com

BethP937

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If the doctor says no kids, then I think most families would understand that. Your dad being at your wedding (and being safe at your wedding) trumps etiquette here.

Do you know when you might find out for sure? I'd want to tell people ASAP about the problem so that they can plan accordingly.

That being said, can you have a kids room at the venue? Maybe hire a few babysitters? That might keep the kiddos away from dad and keep you from rescinding invites.

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 8:33 PM EST on theknot.com

mollyehren

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If a babysitter is an option or your area has a place where you can have the children seperate I would maybe go that route. If not in this instance it is perfectly acceptable to let parents with children know. I also would make sure you put this information on your wedding website as well, including the live vaccine part.

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 8:50 PM EST on theknot.com

likeadeadstar

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In Response to Re: Cancer and Kids:

If the doctor says no kids, then I think most families would understand that. Your dad being at your wedding (and being safe at your wedding) trumps etiquette here. Do you know when you might find out for sure? I'd want to tell people ASAP about the problem so that they can plan accordingly. That being said, can you have a kids room at the venue? Maybe hire a few babysitters? That might keep the kiddos away from dad and keep you from rescinding invites.
Posted by BethP937

Seconded; I'd try a kids' room/babysitter option first.

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 9:17 PM EST on theknot.com

jessicabessica

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How big is your wedding? If it is likely that your dad will have a lot of restrictions to prevent various exposures, then it might not be great for him to be at a big party with lots of people. I think you really need to plan to decide based on how your dad is feeling and what his doctor recommends. Have you thought about doing a private ceremony with immediate family only, and then having your reception as planned (I would get a good videographer for the reception so your dad can see it later, or maybe have him "there" for some parts on Skype), in case the doctor says it won't be safe for you dad to be in that large of a crowd?

I'm sorry that this has to be part of your wedding planning and is in general on your plate. Best wishes to your dad and your family!

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 9:31 PM EST on theknot.com

pharmd2323

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Thanks for all the suggestions! A babysitter might be a good option. We'll probably have about 150 people at most including kids in a venue that could fit up to something like 400 people. Thankfully my dad has quite a good prognosis and the doctor has sounded very optimistic about my dad attending, and is essentially planning his treatment around mu dad attending the wedding, but as for the restrictions, it's still up in the air and we don't really know when we'll know the restriction details. I'm still open to any suggestions anyone else might have too. Thanks everyone!!

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 9:35 PM EST on theknot.com

myname1234

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No kids is no kids. I know etiquette rules are STD=invite, but i really think you have an exception maker here. I'd personally break another rule of telling them they're not invited. I'd call the parents and explain what is going on. I couldn't imagine someone being upset about this.

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 9:40 PM EST on theknot.com

ceh789

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I think a babysitter room is an excellent idea if possible. Dad actively in chemo trumps etiquette here for sure. You should call and talk to the parents ASAP - they'll understand.

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 10:18 PM EST on theknot.com

LucyHC

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In Response to Re: Cancer and Kids:

My thoughts exactly. Anyone who gets upset over this is a sucky person.

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/10/2012 10:26 PM EST on theknot.com

RetreadBride

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Just don't invite the kids.

There will always be some parents who won't want to leave their child with a stranger.

"I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/11/2012 2:00 AM EST on theknot.com

Simply Fated

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I think the problem is, some people might not understand their options. Basically their options are either leave the kids at home or being the kids, but leave them with the baby sitter. I think some people might choose their own option C, bring the kids, but rescue them from the baby sitter at their own leisure.
I worry for your dad, tbh. The doctor said no kids... and that's important.

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/11/2012 5:16 AM EST on theknot.com

sweetcanadian19...

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My dad had cancer last year, thankfully the surgery he had got rid of it completely (it was growing, they caught it just in time) & he did not have to have chemo. I hope your dad makes a full recovery.

I would honestly just phone all the people this may affect now & let them know of the situation, i would plan for no kids to be on the safe side. I am sure they will understand. Let them worry about babysitters unless they are a plane ride away.

Dream Honeymoon/Actual Honeymoon Disneyworld

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/11/2012 8:07 AM EST on theknot.com

kmmssg

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I don't think the size of the room protects your dad from kid germs at all. Are you going to draw a line on the floor and tell the kids not to cross it? A wedding is a happy time and kids get caught up in happy times and they are going to be in the same area - they won't be paying attention to where your dad is. They will touch the same fixtures in the bathroom and, let's face it, kids touch everything.

My wonderful MIL died of cancer 12 years ago and before the hospice decision was made she was determined to have family Christmas with the g'kids. She wore a mask and all the g'kids knew they could go up and chat with g'ma but no kisses, hugs, etc. All 7 of her children were watching the g'kids like hawks incase someone forgot.

If the doctor says the timeframe of your wedding is a no kid period, then don't have them there at all. I don't think there is a guest anywhere who would balk at not being able to take their children after receiving your STD. If they do, they don't have your Dad's best interest at heart and they can stay home.

If you have a babysitting room what will you do if some of the kids throw a fit and want their parents? Those parents would have to leave if they can't bring them into the reception. Also, most parents will not leave their kids with strangers no matter how well qualified they may seem. Think about all the scenarios that could occur, not just one that could solve the problem.

After our experience with having to keep kids away, I don't think a big room keeps your father safe. Please consider going no kids at all if your dad is still doing chemo. Since your wedding is only 4 months away, this might be a good time to make the call so you can let your guests know - especially anyone who is travelling with kids.

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/11/2012 9:37 AM EST on theknot.com

NOLAbridealmost

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Is it at all possible to push back the wedding until he has completed chemo? I have no problem whatsoever with uninviting the kids in this situation, but it still seems a bit unsafe to be in a huge room of people regardless of their ages given how much chemo weakens the immune system. Adults can be germy too!

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Re: Cancer and Kids

posted at 2/11/2012 11:32 AM EST on theknot.com

Elinetrouwt

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I would spread the word about the vaccines ASAP too. Your guests might want to plan their health decisions around that. I'm planning to get some vaccinations this spring, but if I was invited to your wedding, I'd either get them now or postpone them until after. But, I would need to know about that. Ask the doctor what exactly he means by 'recently', and tell your guests something like 'due to the circumstances, we can't host anyone who has vaccinations between April and our wedding. This is very important for my father's health. If you have any questions about this, please contact us'.

Looking forward to July 7th 2012