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Combining two families. :/
Etiquette
Combining two families. :/
No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.
Hello everyone. My FI's and my families are very different, and I'm terrified it will cause trouble at our wedding. His family is country to say the least, but that's not my problem. The problem is
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Etiquette
Combining two families. :/
No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.
Hello everyone. My FI's and my families are very different, and I'm terrified it will cause trouble at our wedding. His family is country to say the least, but that's not my problem. The problem is
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Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9
Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f66ea058-6754-47e0-9674-ef79ef0b0964
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Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 3:43 PM EST
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Hello everyone. My FI's and my families are very different, and I'm terrified it will cause trouble at our wedding. His family is country to say the least, but that's not my problem. The problem is that they don't understand anything about manners, civility, or the like. I'm not trying to look down on them, and I know my own family isn't perfect. But still, even my FI agrees that his parents (along with about 50 aunts/uncles/and their terrible children) are complete slobs when it comes to more formal affairs. For example, my FI told me that even though we don't want to be pelted with anything (rice/bird seed) during our getaway, his father will probably show up with a bag of rice and pass it around to his family anyway. We also aren't serving alcohol at our reception because we're worried that all his relatives will get completely drunk. I'm kind of at a loss, and I'm considering telling my brother to be a bouncer for my wedding day, just in case anyone gets out of hand. Does anyone have experience with this kind of thing? I'm open to any kind of advice, even if you just want to tell me to stop being so stuck up. :P
EDIT: Wow, I'm so surprised at the number of responses! For the record, I'm not trying to offend anyone with the "country" classification..or the alcohol concern. But considering my FI was brutally abused as a child, yes, I am concerned about someone getting violent at the wedding (whether that's due to alcohol or just all out asshole personality). Oh, and we're having the wedding at my grandma's home, so unfortunately I can't use any vendor excuses. Very good ideas though!
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 3:45 PM EST
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I wouldn't hire your brother. If you are worried, hire an actual security guard (not a family member).
I would have your FI sit down with his parents and explain the vision of what you want.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 3:45 PM EST
on theknot.com
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ARKANSAS 6971478908459843
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In Response to Combining two families. :/:
Hello everyone. My FI's and my families are very different, and I'm terrified it will cause trouble at our wedding. His family is country to say the least, but that's not my problem. The problem is that they don't understand anything about manners, civility, or the like. I'm not trying to look down on them, and I know my own family isn't perfect. But still, even my FI agrees that his parents (along with about 50 aunts/uncles/and their terrible children) are complete slobs when it comes to more formal affairs. For example, my FI told me that even though we don't want to be pelted with anything (rice/bird seed) during our getaway, his father will probably show up with a bag of rice and pass it around to his family anyway. We also aren't serving alcohol at our reception because we're worried that all his relatives will get completely drunk. I'm kind of at a loss, and I'm considering telling my brother to be a bouncer for my wedding day, just in case anyone gets out of hand. Does anyone have experience with this kind of thing? I'm open to any kind of advice, even if you just want to tell me to stop being so stuck up. :P
Posted by Mmoray
Quoted so we could read it.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 3:48 PM EST
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Let his family do what they feel is right. In the end they will look like the fools. FI's Aunt is a PITA and rude beyond all get out and nice to some people to their face. His mother told me to uninvite her after the bridal shower/FB fiasco she pulled but I told her I would not do that. Instead a couple family members on her side will keep an eye on her and just remove her and tell her to get lost if she acts like a jerk at the wedding. I won't let one person with a bad attitude ruin our day.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 3:51 PM EST
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MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL 7379562558699909
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If your FI cannot coerce his family to be on good behavior (and this is more FI's problem than yours, imo) then I'd say you have a really good reason to elope.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 3:53 PM EST
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INDIANA 9011919320027819
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In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/:
If your FI cannot coerce his family to be on good behavior (and this is more FI's problem than yours, imo) then I'd say you have a really good reason to elope.
Posted by ceh789
Oh come on.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 3:57 PM EST
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In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/:
If your FI cannot coerce his family to be on good behavior (and this is more FI's problem than yours, imo) then I'd say you have a really good reason to elope.
Posted by ceh789
Are you saying if guests can't behave themselves at weddings, the bride and groom should elope? If this were the case, I should have eloped because my uncle's a jerk.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 3:58 PM EST
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In Response to Combining two families. :/:
Hello everyone. My FI's and my families are very different, and I'm terrified it will cause trouble at our wedding. His family is country to say the least, but that's not my problem. The problem is that they don't understand anything about manners, civility, or the like.I'm not trying to look down on them, and I know my own family isn't perfect. But still, even my FI agrees that his parents (along with about 50 aunts/uncles/and their terrible children) are complete slobs when it comes to more formal affairs. For example, my FI told me that even though we don't want to be pelted with anything (rice/bird seed) during our getaway, his father will probably show up with a bag of rice and pass it around to his family anyway. We also aren't serving alcohol at our reception because we're worried that all his relatives will get completely drunk. I'm kind of at a loss, and I'm considering telling my brother to be a bouncer for my wedding day, just in case anyone gets out of hand. Does anyone have experience with this kind of thing? I'm open to any kind of advice, even if you just want to tell me to stop being so stuck up. :P
Posted by Mmoray
I'm sorry, but this part (the first bolded) of your post really came off pretty offensive. I know plenty of lovely people who grew up in the country, whom I would call country, but know how to be polite and how to act like adults and what good manners are.
Also, you're not having alcohol so people don't get drunk? What about people who are responsible drinkers? Not everyone is going to get hammered.
You have to accept that things happen, and you cannot control the actions of others. You can only control what you do. If you cannot handle this, then many things in life will disappoint you.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:00 PM EST
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In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/:
If your FI cannot coerce his family to be on good behavior (and this is more FI's problem than yours, imo) then I'd say you have a really good reason to elope.
Posted by ceh789
Oh come on. She's worried about rice and hip flasks, not murder and child molestation.
OP, it's your FI's job to rein them in. If he shares your idea of how your wedding should be, then he needs to communicate his expectations of their behavior to his family firmly and without apology. If they still say "well we don't care we're bringing rice and flasks and we're going to pregame so we're wasted at your dry wedding," then you should, as a PP suggested, hire professional security to monitor the situation.
And honestly, it sounds to me like you should also try coming down off your high horse a little - I get that they don't do things the way you would like them to, but nothing in your OP suggests that anything they might do is catastrophically terrible or life-ruining.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:05 PM EST
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What is honestly the worst that can happen?
Are they violent?
Or just rowdy?
And if you think they really will pelt you with something regardless, I would think of what the least terrible thing to be pelted with and just provide it. Rice is the worst. It kills birds. and hurts.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:08 PM EST
on theknot.com
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If his family is going to make the reception not fun for her and FI, why wouldn't that be a good reason to elope?
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:09 PM EST
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In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/:
What is honestly the worst that can happen? Are they violent? Or just rowdy? And if you think they really will pelt you with something regardless, I would think of what the least terrible thing to be pelted with and just provide it. Rice is the worst. It kills birds. and hurts.
Posted by MyUserName1
MUN1's completely right about the rice. I've seen bubbles used as an alternative to rice/birdseed/etc., and that seems like a pretty non-offensive option.
Come to think of it, trying to come up with compromises with your FI's family instead of treating them like bratty children you need to control might be a better way to handle this situation all around.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:09 PM EST
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My family is kind of the way you are describing (country is a bad way to put it.. full on redneck sounds a little more appropriate 'cliche' wise). I just accept them for who they are and realize there is nothing I can do to change them, but oddly enough I love 'em anyway.
I'm mostly worried about over intoxication, so I just had a talk with those manning the bar to not overserve or water down the drinks (and we can blame it on my being cheap if they take issue). It could be worse.. you could have all the family hating one another and end up with a full out brawl mid reception. :)
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:10 PM EST
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In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/:
If his family is going to make the reception not fun for her and FI, why wouldn't that be a good reason to elope?
Posted by ceh789
But that's like saying anyone should elope if there's going to be a fun-sucker.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:12 PM EST
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OP, just as a heads up: traditionally, a wedding and the subsequent marriage is a combining of two families. That comes with realizing people do things differently outside of the way you do things.
Just because your FI's family does things differently doesn't make them bad. If you're uncomfortable with things like the rice tossing, the drinking, etc., have your FI sit them down or call them and tell them that certain things aren't OK with him. If you go at them with "hey, I think your country way of doing things is tacky and crappy", chances are 1.) they'll shut down and/or 2.) they'll do things to intentionally make you mad. If he presents this differently, they might listen. If your FI can go to his family and say, "hey, our venue has a strict no toss policy. If you guys pelt us with rice, there's a clean up fee that will be sent from the vendor to the people who cause the mess", that comes off a little bit better.
Planning a wedding around each family's individual personailities and ideas of what is appropriate can be difficult, but you've got to at least have an open mind about certain things. The things my FI's family finds funny and entertaining would not make my family smile. I just had to realize what I could and couldn't influence. I was not OK with someone grabbing the mic and making a random toast, so I asked the DJ to not allow anyone to get the mic unless we said OK. I was not OK having our car covered in condoms and who knows what else, so FI dealt with his cousins on that one. Our venue has a no toss policy except for petals during the ceremony, so my FBILs' dream of pelting us with rice and popcorn died young because they would get hit with the clean up fee.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:16 PM EST
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In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/:
OP, just as a heads up: traditionally, a wedding and the subsequent marriage is a combining of two families. That comes with realizing people do things differently outside of the way you do things. Just because your FI's family does things differently doesn't make them bad. If you're uncomfortable with things like the rice tossing, the drinking, etc., have your FI sit them down or call them and tell them that certain things aren't OK with him. If you go at them with "hey, I think your country way of doing things is tacky and crappy", chances are 1.) they'll shut down and/or 2.) they'll do things to intentionally make you mad. If he presents this differently, they might listen. If your FI can go to his family and say, "hey, our venue has a strict no toss policy. If you guys pelt us with rice, there's a clean up fee that will be sent from the vendor to the people who cause the mess", that comes off a little bit better. Planning a wedding around each family's individual personailities and ideas of what is appropriate can be difficult, but you've got to at least have an open mind about certain things. The things my FI's family finds funny and entertaining would not make my family smile. I just had to realize what I could and couldn't influence. I was not OK with someone grabbing the mic and making a random toast, so I asked the DJ to not allow anyone to get the mic unless we said OK. I was not OK having our car covered in condoms and who knows what else, so FI dealt with his cousins on that one. Our venue has a no toss policy except for petals during the ceremony, so my FBILs' dream of pelting us with rice and popcorn died young because they would get hit with the clean up fee.
Posted by chumlee7478
How on earth did your FI turn out even remotely normal?
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:16 PM EST
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My non-crazy BIL agreed to remove his BSC mother if she caused a disturbance. My parents, as hosts of our party, would have had no problem asking someone to leave if that person was really causing a scene.
Your FILs don't sound like they're going to do anything wildly inappropriate. Get them some bubbles (find some that won't stain your dress) and let them blow them at you, rather than be pelted with rice.
My ILs also had a pretty good idea our wedding wouldn't be like the ones they usually went to. They're well aware of the difference between how I was raised and how H was raised. They were also clued in by the locations of both the ceremony and reception, by the quality of the invitations and by some hint as to what the food situation would be.
Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Edited for typos.
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"We all have our talents. Some of us give good blow jobs, some have the ability to make every single situation revolve around themselves. " --Rupert
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:22 PM EST
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In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/:
In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/ : How on earth did your FI turn out even remotely normal?
Posted by StephBeanWed61502
He left home when he turned 18, joined the military and in some ways, never looked back. He lost his mom when he was 14, and that understandably ripped him up. After seeing how his family situation changed after her passing, and how his dad treated him he realized the only way to better himself was to join the military. He's 2 years away from full military retirement and 2 years away from his bachelors, two things his dad said he could never do cause he was too stupid to amount to anything.
Therapy also helped. Lots and lots of therapy, and I can't say enough about how much he's changed in the almost 6 years I've known him. He is (and hopefully I will be) proof cycles can be changed.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:24 PM EST
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My DH's family had a similar tradition that we - because of our venue - could not use at our wedding. They wanted to blow bubbles or throw bird seed but our ceremony space had a strict policy that we could not do anything that would cause people to slip on the floor or stairs. Our work around was to put the word out early and to offer an alternative - we made up silver bells guests could take and ring. You could try this. We found it was easiest to be honest and positive about things saying "We aren't able to do X because of the contract with the venue, but we are able do Y instead. We're really excited about it!"
I agree with others about the alcohol. If people want to drink they will find a way around your dry wedding. If you are truly concerned that people's behavior be that bad, hire security. You could try to find a compromise - host only beer and wine and a set quantity of that, for example, in addition to soda, ice teas, lemonades, etc.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:26 PM EST
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In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/:
If his family is going to make the reception not fun for her and FI, why wouldn't that be a good reason to elope?
Posted by ceh789
Because eloping is not the answer for everyone. Maybe she and her FI want a wedding with guests. Maybe they'd feel bad if they eloped and her family was left out.
There are tons of options outside of eloping. For one, they could consider having an immediate family only wedding as that would eliminate inviting the offending aunts/uncles/cousins.
I just feel like it's a pretty big leap to tell her to elope over some bird seed and potentially drunk guests.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:30 PM EST
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A lot of venues have policies regarding rice, bird seed, bubbles, etc. You could always have your FI discuss this with his family. I can't imagine they'd be offended if you blamed it on venue policy.
Edit: I see chumlee beat me to that one. I need to read faster/better.
If the venue allows it, and they're really insistent about throwing something, could you bring bags of (fake) flower petals and have them toss those? They look great in pictures, and they're easy to sweep up. Plus, I've seen them sold for about $1 per bag, so they don't break the bank. Heck, some florists will give away bags of real flower petals for practically free, depending on the season.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 4:46 PM EST
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Frankly, I'd be pretty annoyed if I was a friend of yours or part of your family and didn't get to enjoy a glass of wine at your wedding because you were trying to control other people.
I agree with compromising and finding alternate ways to "control" things. Give them something to throw at you that will hurt the least (or tell them your venue has a strict policy against it and they'll charge a $500 fine to anyone who throws something). And, honestly, if the worst thing that happens on your wedding day is getting rice thrown at you, just prepare and accept it. You know it's going to happen, it won't be a surprise, so prepare for it and consider it a compromise. There's things about my wedding that I would prefer we didn't do, but someone else wants it, so we do it. You have to figure out the hills to die on, otherwise you'll be fighting a lot of unnecessary battles.
As for the bar, have the bartenders be conscious of over-serving. Don't limit things because his family is a little different. That's just going to piss off other guests, and likely his family, too. If they show up to a dry wedding and they're big drinkers I can see that being a bigger fight than if you just have your bartenders tell them no after the 10th beer.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 5:37 PM EST
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In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/:
In Response to Re: Combining two families. :/ : Because eloping is not the answer for everyone. Maybe she and her FI want a wedding with guests. Maybe they'd feel bad if they eloped and her family was left out. There are tons of options outside of eloping. For one, they could consider having an immediate family only wedding as that would eliminate inviting the offending aunts/uncles/cousins. I just feel like it's a pretty big leap to tell her to elope over some bird seed and potentially drunk guests.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds
Fair enough. I certainly didn't mean to imply that her only option was to elope, but if I was seriously stressing about how FI's family would behave I would absolutely give the idea strong consideration.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 5:49 PM EST
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Is it possible to create a valid reason for why birdseed is not allowed and use that as an excuse? "Unfortunately our venue/church/park has made it very clear that things including glitter, birdseed and rice cannot be thrown due to environmental concerns." This is actually a legitimate thing for many venues and something similar was included in our contract. Hopefully if the reason appears official enough (implies there might be consequences if it is broken), the family may not be so keen on doing it.
As far as alcohol - what about a limited bar that refuses to serve shots or hard liquor? This won't fix the drinking issue overall, but it should slow down the pace of intoxication. We have a few alcoholics attending our wedding, and have similar concerns. We plan on letting the barstaff know who to keep an eye on throughout the evening (discretely of course) . Sometimes bar staff just need to know they have your full support and can cut people off or start watering down their drinks if necessary.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 5:50 PM EST
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Family drama is a really common reason many couples choose to elope. But, there are other alternatives like a smaller ceremony with immediate family, like other posters have suggested.
Have the wedding you want to have. Chances are anything they do will not ruin your wedding. Not saying that you won't notice, you may very well notice, but it's not going to ruin anything. And it may very well give you some really, really interesting wedding stories. :)
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 6:14 PM EST
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Wasn't this subject covered last week?
Her family was better than his, country club venue, etc
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I used to have balls. Blue balls, that is.
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Re: Combining two families. :/
posted at 2/10/2012 7:49 PM EST
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Can your FI sit his parents down and say "Look, Mmoray's grandma is being very generous and she does not want anything thrown. I have to insist that you guys respect her property the way you would want someone to respect yours"?
Good luck, OP. I'm sorry that he had to deal with abuse when he was young.
Chum, I have a little bit of a crush on your FI. Good for him!
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