Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?

andra loves andre · March 2012

We're having a hard time dealing with issues regarding hotels.

In Romania, it's common to pay for your guests' hotel for the wedding night, if they're from out of town. Whenever my parents went to weddings there (I've never been, since I was raised here), the bride/groom would pay for OOT's hotel room for the wedding night, and host a brunch for OOT-ers the morning after the wedding. Then everyone would leave.

The issue that we're having is that some people (that we haven't even met! from Romania are coming here for the wedding (despite that we will also be celebrating with everyone in Romania after the wedding), just because they want to (self-invited themselves). We did not budget for this at all, since we only invited VERY close family here (and by very close I mean grandparents and a few uncles/cousins that we're all really close to).

So I made room in the budget to pay for the wedding night at the hotel across the street from the venue by cutting my wedding jewelry budget completely, lowering my dress budget, and pretty much cutting corners everywhere (we have quite a lot of people that tell us they're coming, and the hotel is not cheap... unfortunately it's the only one in the area and if we were to go farther we'd also be expected to pay for transportation for that day).

Anyways, we told the guests where they'll be staying for that night, and they got really pissed off, saying that they're not coming to Canada for just one night and were considering staying 2-3 weeks. And since they're making that trip, they expected us to pay the full hotel stay. This just boggled my mind, because paying for that long would be over 50% of the wedding budget!

So now they're mad at us, the parents are peeved, and we're all fuming at each other because we really don't know what to do. I think it's unreasonable for them to think we're going to pay for 3 weeks of a hotel stay, but apparently that's the "culture"... though I haven't heard of anyone (brides in Romania, etc), paying for more than the wedding night... let alone 3 weeks!

I really need help on how to deal with this, because it's causing sooooo much tension in the family, and as you can imagine, we don't need all this stress right now. Help!

adamar15 · March 2012

Cliffs notes are your friend.

dubird · March 2012

Just tell them flat out that you can't afford it. In other words, if you were to pay for three weeks in a hotel, there would be no wedding for them to attend because you would have no money left, period. After all, they invited themselves, and you're already cutting things you want out of your wedding to try and help out for at least one night! Unless they were on the guest list, I wouldn't have even done that. But even if they had been offically invited, one night is all that you should reasonably be asked to pay for.

OliveOilsMom · March 2012

First, you and FI need to get on the same page in regards of how you will handle this. If I remember your FILs were inviting people to the Canadian wedding, are these those guests? I would shift this off onto FILs to deal with then.

I get that it is cultural to pay for the wedding night's hotel room, but to expect you to pay for 3 weeks is ridiculous! If they want to stay longer, then that is on them. I would pay for the first night and that's it.

lilja032 · March 2012

I would think you're absolutely NOT obliged to pay for the full 3 weeks. That, to me, sounds like them taking you for a ride. I think you could just say "We'd love you to be at our wedding and would be happy to pay for your accommodation for the wedding night. Unfortunately our budget means we can't pay for three weeks of accommodation and if this means you can't attend you will be missed."

KelaRenee · March 2012

That's crazy!

Tell them that you're sorry, you can't afford it. Then change the conversation.

adamar15 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:79aac802-5d9a-4781-ac12-ba00719b8b44">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>The title is pretty much the CN.</strong> No way in heck I'd be paying for guests to stay in a hotel for 3 weeks. It sounds like the cultural norm is one night and that is all I would spring for. If the parents want to pay for 3 weeks of hotel stay they can do that on their own. I don't think you should have to make room in your wedding budget for it.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

True. I guess I'm just a little tired of every.single.post being a gigantic wall of text. Learn to condense.

MNVegas · March 2012

Well what is tradition in Romania is not tradition in other countries. NO I would not be paying for their rooms especially for 3 weeks, not even sure if I would pay for the 1 night. They are obviously trying to get you to pay for their vacations which is really rude. I certainly would not rework my wedding budget for these people since you did not technically even invite them to your wedding.

jemmini6 · March 2012

Honestly, I don't care how close I am with someone, if they flat out demanded that I pay for their hotel for 3 weeks for a trip they chose to make, I don't think I'd care too much how much tension it caused because that's freakin ridiculous. I think you are being very generous to even keep the tradition of paying for the wedding night because that's not required (you didn't grow up in Romania, so they would be out of line to expect you to follow those traditions anyways).

Moral of the story, tell them you'll cover the wedding night ONLY, and if they choose to stay longer, they are responsible for the bill. If they want to be assholes about it, then they don't have to come at all. End of story.

andra loves andre · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:e10c8bef-31b1-4e28-8556-7c107acb55ab">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just tell them flat out that you can't afford it. In other words, if you were to pay for three weeks in a hotel, there would be no wedding for them to attend because you would have no money left, period. After all, they invited themselves, and you're already cutting things you want out of your wedding to try and help out for at least one night! Unless they were on the guest list, I wouldn't have even done that. But even if they had been offically invited, one night is all that you should reasonably be asked to pay for.
Posted by dubird[/QUOTE]

<div>Very valid points, and I did try to say that one night is the typical expectation, that we're already doing. </div><div>
</div><div>The problem that my mom keeps saying is that these people can't afford to pay for the hotel either (the average yearly salary in Romania is $12,000, and the hotel is at least $100/night, so about $2100 per couple would fly just on the hotels). I get that it expensive for them, but having such a large group at that price is more than expesive for us. </div><div>
</div><div>FH is even more mad because he feels like these people are just coming to get a free vacation out of us. So he doesn't even want to pay their one night since they weren't even invited, and a lot of them aren't even family or people we've ever met. </div><div>
</div><div>Ahhh, the question that comes up on these boards so often: why does wedding planning have to be so stressful????</div>

shadowkat08 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:47c2324b-5a07-442f-96cf-a46beb3eaac3">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]FH is even more mad because he feels like these people are just coming to get a free vacation out of us. So he doesn't even want to pay their one night since they weren't even invited, and a lot of them aren't even family or people we've ever met.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with your FH. It sounds like these people are using "cultural norms" to make you pay for their vacation. If they weren't invited in the first place, I wouldn't even pay for the first night.</div>

andra loves andre · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:0a77fa49-2393-449d-8822-b1ac6a7c71df">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]First, you and FI need to get on the same page in regards of how you will handle this. If I remember your FILs were inviting people to the Canadian wedding, are these those guests? I would shift this off onto FILs to deal with then. I get that it is cultural to pay for the wedding night's hotel room, but to expect you to pay for 3 weeks is ridiculous! If they want to stay longer, then that is on them. I would pay for the first night and that's it.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]

<div>Luckily FH and I are pretty much on the same page... though he's more reluctant to even pay for that one night since we didn't even plan on having them at any celebration, let alone the one here.</div><div>
</div><div>And good memory! Yes, those are the guests, and a few of my parents' popped up, unfortunately. </div><div>
</div><div>I feel like how long they choose to stay is on them, too. I don't really feel like it's my obligation to pay for more than the norm.</div>

lilja032 · March 2012

If they can't afford it it's not your responsibility to fund their holiday. And if it's their salary is that low why have they blown so much on tickets to a wedding for people they barely know? It sounds to me like they don't even want to actually go to the wedding and that they're just using you. Honestly I would just put my foot down, I mean is adjusting the wedding budget that much an option for you? If that's not an option, you'll just have to be firm.

MattsPenguin · March 2012

If they can't afford it, then why are they coming? This is utterly ridiculous. Are there other "free" places for the to stay (e.g. your mother's house) for three weeks?

andra loves andre · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:79aac802-5d9a-4781-ac12-ba00719b8b44">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]The title is pretty much the CN. No way in heck I'd be paying for guests to stay in a hotel for 3 weeks. It sounds like the cultural norm is one night and that is all I would spring for. If the parents want to pay for 3 weeks of hotel stay they can do that on their own. I don't think you should have to make room in your wedding budget for it.
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

<div>Yea, I guess you're right lol. I didn't really know what to put, couldn't decide if it's more of a cultural issue or a giant hotel bill issue, so I put in both :P</div><div>
</div><div>Hmmm, good idea... I should toss that at the parents (especially his, I only have 2 couples) and see how comfortable THEY feel paying for it. It's easy to make promises on someone else's dime, after all. </div>

Snippylynn · March 2012

I would tell them that you are sorry, and hope that they can come to celebrate with you when you are in Romania. No dice on the free hotel for 3 weeks. Nuh uh.

andra loves andre · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:a00733a9-c97c-4617-baea-cae9a36c21c3">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would think you're absolutely NOT obliged to pay for the full 3 weeks. That, to me, sounds like them taking you for a ride. I think you could just say "We'd love you to be at our wedding and would be happy to pay for your accommodation for the wedding night. Unfortunately our budget means we can't pay for three weeks of accommodation and if this means you can't attend you will be missed."
Posted by lilja032[/QUOTE]

<div>The whole "taking us for a ride" thing is exactly what FH said! </div><div>
</div><div>Unfortinately, when we told the guests that we couldn't afford 3 weeks, after getting raging mad, they just said that staying at our home is fine, too. Our home cannot fit that many people, and I can't even imagine the craziness that would bring! It seems like they just don't understand that what they're proposing isn't possible unless they figure out someone on their own, too.</div>

jemmini6 · March 2012

So you've never met these people, they weren't invited at all, to the celebration here OR in Romania, yet they decided to come anyways and still want you to pay for them for 3 WEEKS?! Um yeah, fvck that. Tell them they aren't invited, so not only are you not paying to have them come out here, but even if they do, they still aren't welcome at the celebration, so it'd be a wasted trip anyways.

andra loves andre · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:aa4f45c3-210a-42f8-81ab-f175203f0231">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]That's crazy! Tell them that you're sorry, you can't afford it. Then change the conversation.
Posted by KelaRenee[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks it's crazy! And I am definitely avoiding this topic for a while! Too many fireworks over people I didn't even know existed.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

ceh789 · March 2012

Their sense of entitlement is absolutely absurd. Is the "cultural norm" in Romania for people to show up where they aren't invited?

I think I would communicate to them (phone, email whatever way you found out they've decided to attend) that they aren't invited at all. "Sorry, we'd love to be able to invite everyone but we just can't afford to, that's why we're hosting the reception in Romania as well. I sure hope you can celebrate with us there!"

There's no question of paying for their hotel for any number of nights in my mind - they're not invited to the wedding in the first place.

ETA: Or hosting them in your home! Are you certain you're not being Punk'd here? That's just so over the top...

andra loves andre · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:873c72fa-a8be-43a1-93cf-44ef9ef6168c">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well what is tradition in Romania is not tradition in other countries. NO I would not be paying for their rooms especially for 3 weeks, not even sure if I would pay for the 1 night. They are obviously trying to get you to pay for their vacations which is really rude. I certainly would not rework my wedding budget for these people since you did not technically even invite them to your wedding.
Posted by MNVegas[/QUOTE]

<div>The first thing you said is what I keep repeating. The issue is that the parents feel it would reflect badly on them, and that's what does hurt me. It seems to be super important to my mom, but it honestly is NOT in the budget, or even close to being in it. I've already cut to the bare bones, and as another poster said, if we were to make this payment, there'd be no wedding to attend!</div><div>
</div><div>I also agree that it does feel like they expect us to pay for their vacations, but the moms called us rude when we said that, and sparks really flew.</div>

mari0225 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:13dfb8fe-c21b-49cf-b43b-c0f915d283f4">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat? : The whole "taking us for a ride" thing is exactly what FH said! Unfortinately, when we told the guests that we couldn't afford 3 weeks, after getting raging mad, they just said that staying at our home is fine, too. Our home cannot fit that many people, and I can't even imagine the craziness that would bring! It seems like they just don't understand that what they're proposing isn't possible unless they figure out someone on their own, too.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

Oh jeez no!

andra loves andre · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:f68a9743-799f-493e-80da-cd79bf641d90">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I don't care how close I am with someone, if they flat out demanded that I pay for their hotel for 3 weeks for a trip they chose to make, I don't think I'd care too much how much tension it caused because that's freakin ridiculous. I think you are being very generous to even keep the tradition of paying for the wedding night because that's not required (you didn't grow up in Romania, so they would be out of line to expect you to follow those traditions anyways). Moral of the story, tell them you'll cover the wedding night ONLY, and if they choose to stay longer, they are responsible for the bill. If they want to be assholes about it, then they don't have to come at all. End of story.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

<div>:) your reply really made me smile, it's like a flashback of everything I told my mom. Even the assholes part lol!</div><div>
</div><div>Obviously, I agree, and your points are pretty much all of my points, so thanks for making me feel a bit less crazy and selfish!</div>

MattsPenguin · March 2012

Random story:

My friend is Greek (as in born in Greece) and if you've seen "My Big Fat Greek Wedding', then you can imagine what his wedding was like. I'm not entirely sure of who paid for tickets and hotels, etc., however they did have about 20 people come from Greece for their wedding. His older sister was married the weekend before he was to accomodate all of these people traveling from so far away. Then the week after his wedding they all went to NYC, since this would be the only time they all would come to the United States. I'm pretty sure that at least some of them stayed with his parents (for the 2-3 weeks that they were here). But his parents had a very large house and obviously invited all of these people to come.

Anyway, I can see perhaps what these people are attempting to do. If you were on the same page (close friends and family, inviting them to stay with you, etc.), then this wouldn't be an issue. But they are clearly attempting to impose without regard to how it affects anyone else.

andra loves andre · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:0733b416-48db-4f7b-9252-66422a5f3909">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]If they can't afford it it's not your responsibility to fund their holiday. And if it's their salary is that low why have they blown so much on tickets to a wedding for people they barely know? It sounds to me like they don't even want to actually go to the wedding and that they're just using you. Honestly I would just put my foot down, I mean is adjusting the wedding budget that much an option for you? If that's not an option, you'll just have to be firm.
Posted by lilja032[/QUOTE]

<div>Agreed! We don't have much more to cut out in the budget, since the biggest expense is already signed (venue, food, bar). Even if we were to cut EVERYTHING else and put it towards this, it still wouldn't be enough.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't mind being firm, it just feels like every time I take a stance against something that isn't financially possible, I get all the parental backlash. I'm pretty tired of that. :(</div>

ceh789 · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:49f2bc06-86ec-42d6-9eba-a56999ef86da">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat? : :) your reply really made me smile, it's like a flashback of everything I told my mom. Even the assholes part lol! Obviously, I agree, and your points are pretty much all of my points, so thanks for making me feel a bit less crazy and selfish!
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]
One thing I'd do if you do decide to host their wedding day hotel cost: make sure that the hotel doesn't have your credit card number. Pay cash (not even a check) and speak personally with the manager to make it absolutely crystal clear what you are and are not hosting. These people sound like the type to run up your mini-bar, room service etc and also to try and get additional nights billed to your CC if you use it to guarantee the room.

andra loves andre · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cultural-catastrophe-paying-guests-hotels-for-3-weeks-whaaaat?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a3d8d28-1ca4-46d2-b856-9ad33d2a64a7Post:631c0f9c-119c-4401-9bde-7a7884a772b9">Re: Cultural Catastrophe- paying guests' hotels for 3 weeks? whaaaat?</a>:
[QUOTE]If they can't afford it, then why are they coming? This is utterly ridiculous. Are there other "free" places for the to stay (e.g. your mother's house) for three weeks?
Posted by MattsPenguin[/QUOTE]

<div>We thought of this- our house has 3 bedrooms, my mom's has an extra 2, and his mom's house has 1. So that's about 6 couples we could host, max... and that doesn't cover much :(</div>

monkeysip · March 2012

WTF--I wouldn't even let these people come.

They're not family. You don't even really know them. You didn't invite them. And they want you to pay for their hotel stays.

I don't get what about this makes any sense (on their behalf--not yours). Just say no. If you were to cave on this issue, then people are going to think they can get even more. This is pretty simple--these people are ridiculous and you won't miss them.

Also, if the people from Romania are so poor, then how is it a tradition that every B&G pays for their guests' hotel stays? I think this is a made-up cultural tradition.

Habs2Hart · March 2012

I have no words... how the hell? Like, they just called you up and said "hey, I hear you are getting married. I know we've never met and you don't even know who I am, but I've decided I'm coming with the family to your wedding. We will be there for 3 weeks, I expect you to pay for my hotel, but if you can't afford it, we'll shack up with you for 3 weeks. Total strangers?

Seriously? I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

I'd go with "you aren't invited. Fuuck off!" route. Maybe a little less harsh than that. pp had a good suggestion for appropriate wording.

ETA: You're a saint for even entertaining the thought that you can do this for them.

KelaRenee · March 2012

About them staying in your home, say this:

I'm sorry, we're going to be really busy running up to the wedding and after the wedding we want some alone time as a newly married couple.

redheadfsu · March 2012

You are having a Romania party too?

Just call or email them and say, "Unfortunately, it is not in our budget to pay for a week or more trip for you. We had cut everything already just to pay for your hotel room for one night. Honestly, we would have to get a loan to pay for it any more than just one nigh. And I doubt you want us to go into serious debt to just pay for your trip here. As it is unfortunately not possible, we will look forward to seeing you when we visit Romania."

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