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Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!

mrspadfootmrspadfoot member
First Comment
in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Bear with me as I rant...

My father has a girlfriend whom he's been with for 5 years. We'll call her Crazy for the sake of this post. I've never been overly close with her, and even less lately, because she has been pulling some serious childish behaviour about her first grandchild, and the fact that my brothers and I don't consider our father to be the baby's grandfather.

Fiance has a mother and stepfather, whom got married this past summer (don't worry this all ends in a questions), and have been together for 15 years, or something crazy like that.

My etiquette questions are:

1. Am I obligated to put dad's girlfriend on the invitation, or can I just say "and guest". For any other person who has a S/O but not engaged or married, we are just writing "and guest"?

2. Can I list fiance's step father in our programs, and such without having to include the crazy lady?
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Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!

  • beardownbchsbeardownbchs member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    1. No. You have to invite her by name. Sorry. Same goes for everyone else with a SO.
    2. Yes, you can list FI's step-dad and not list your dad's girlfriend since they are not married.

    If I'm wrong here, someone (probably lots of people) will correct me. :)
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  • s-aries8990s-aries8990 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    1) No you MUST put the name of the SO, even for those who have a SO but aren't engaged or married. It's really rude to slight their relationship because they aren't engaged or married. It is only acceptable to put "and guest" if they do not have a SO at the time the invitations go out. I know that if someone put "and guest" instead of my boyfriend's name (we've been together nearly 6 years) I would be pretty ticked off, ESPECIALLY if it was just so the bride could stick it to her not-quite-step-mom

    2) This would also be really rude. I understand that you don't want to include her and aren't too keen on you dad either. What will be worse: the drama if you DO include her, or the drama if you DON'T, even though a wedding should reflect the bride and groom, when family with difficult politics gets involved, sometimes drama-mitigation is the easiest way out. I would say you either include both SOs or none.
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  • Sassenach1743Sassenach1743 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    Yes, you should address the invitation with her name, not 'and guest'. They are in a relationship and have been for 5 years (crazy or not) that is the proper and respectful thing to do. Also, if you have other couples on your guest list that are in relationships, you should invite them by name as well... Just call and ask for SO's name.

    As for the programs, seeing as your FI's mother and step father are actually married you could include his name, but even that is not necessary because he is not your FI's father. Unless he actually is a father figure to your FI and he wants to honor him in the program in that way... totally a personal decision. 

    However, Liatris has a point... if this could cause drama the you may as well skip it. 

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  • K Everdeen12K Everdeen12
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Don't "And Guest" a SO.  I lived with my FI for a year before we were engaged, so sending me an invitation with my name and "and guest" (or his name "and guest") to our shared apartment would be insanely rude and insensitive.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2013
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:6e9056ba-e9c1-4bf0-ad2f-bb422547a842">Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Bear with me as I rant... My father has a girlfriend whom he's been with for 5 years. We'll call her Crazy for the sake of this post. I've never been overly close with her, and even less lately, because she has been pulling some serious childish behaviour about her first grandchild, and the fact that my brothers and I don't consider our father to be the baby's grandfather. Fiance has a mother and stepfather, whom got married this past summer (don't worry this all ends in a questions), and have been together for 15 years, or something crazy like that. My etiquette questions are: 1. Am I obligated to put dad's girlfriend on the invitation, or can I just say "and guest". For any other person who has a S/O but not engaged or married, we are just writing "and guest"? 2. Can I list fiance's step father in our programs, and such without having to include the crazy lady?
    Posted by jessicabcairns[/QUOTE]
     
    Yes you have to invite your dad's girlfriend. You know her name so it belongs on the invite. Leaving it off on purpose is childish and rude.

    Yes you can list whoever you want in your program. But I would discuss this with your dad if you think it is going to result in hurt feelings.
    </div>
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    1. Am I obligated to put dad's girlfriend on the invitation, or can I just say "and guest". For any other person who has a S/O but not engaged or married, we are just writing "and guest"?
    What will leaving her name off accomplish except to piss her off? Don't instigate drama. Put her name on it and move on.

    2. Can I list fiance's step father in our programs, and such without having to include the crazy lady?
    You can, but if you think it will cause drama why not just skip the programs?


    she has been pulling some serious childish behaviour about her first grandchild, and the fact that my brothers and I don't consider our father to be the baby's grandfather.
    I'm not sure what to make of this, but something tells me a lot of information is being let out of here. Basically, you don't get along with your father and it's making your dad's gf act crazy? Am I getting that right?
    image
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Yes you have to invite her by name.  It would be rude to do other wise.

    Skip the programs.  They are a pointless waste of money and are only useful if you are having an hour or more ceremony that has a lot of different prayers and songs and other things involved.

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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    You have to invite the girlfriend by name.  Not to do so would be rude.

    That said, you don't have to include her in programs.  I disagree with Maggie0829; they are not a "pointless waste of money if you are having an hour or more ceremony that has a lot of different prayers and songs and other things involved." 

    If you are not marrying in a mainstream Christian tradition, want to remember deceased loved ones, or your reception venue is in a different location than the ceremony, they can be useful for conveying information about the traditions and rituals, loved ones, or reception venue location or transportation information.
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  • daveANDkristendaveANDkristen member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited January 2013
    <div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:6e9056ba-e9c1-4bf0-ad2f-bb422547a842">Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]1. Am I obligated to put dad's girlfriend on the invitation, or can I just say "and guest". For any other person who has a S/O but not engaged or married, we are just writing "and guest"?
    <strong>You need to list her by name.  You should be listing everyone's SO by name.  Why would you put "guest" for anyone's SO?
    </strong>
    2. Can I list fiance's step father in our programs, and such without having to include the crazy lady?
    <strong>I'll agree that programs aren't necessary.  But since your parents are contributing, I am going to assume they will want you to have them.  Parents have a way of holding on to WR things in the name of tradition, at least in my experience.  You would just put:

    Bride's Parents
    Mr. John Dad
    Mr. and Mrs. Jim Stepdad</strong>

    ETA: Wonkiness

    Posted by jessicabcairns[/QUOTE]</div>
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:354fdaf4-c829-4123-905d-1dcfc208bf84">Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You have to invite the girlfriend by name.  Not to do so would be rude. That said, you don't have to include her in programs.  I disagree with Maggie0829; they are not a "pointless waste of money if you are having an hour or more ceremony that has a lot of different prayers and songs and other things involved."  If you are not marrying in a mainstream Christian tradition, want to remember deceased loved ones, <strong>or your reception venue is in a different location than the ceremony</strong>, they can be useful for conveying information about the traditions and rituals, loved ones, or <strong>reception venue location or transportation information.
    </strong>Posted by Jen4948[/QUOTE]

    The things in bold should be in your invitation not your program.

    I guess I should have said and/or, but I noted in my answer that if your ceremony contains different prayers/songs/other items then yes you should include them in your program so your guests know what the heck is going on.

    But all in all, no one really pays much attention to the programs and guests are most likely smart enough to understand that they are watching a marriage ceremony and they don't really need indepth detail.

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:f32f4371-f932-4815-9010-138083eb89a5">Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]1. Am I obligated to put dad's girlfriend on the invitation, or can I just say "and guest". For any other person who has a S/O but not engaged or married, we are just writing "and guest"? What will leaving her name off accomplish except to piss her off? Don't instigate drama. Put her name on it and move on. 2. Can I list fiance's step father in our programs, and such without having to include the crazy lady? You can, but if you think it will cause drama why not just skip the programs? she has been pulling some serious childish behaviour about her first grandchild, and the fact that my brothers and I don't consider our father to be the baby's grandfather. I'm not sure what to make of this, but something tells me a lot of information is being let out of here. Basically, you don't get along with your father and it's making your dad's gf act crazy? Am I getting that right?
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    This.

    Am I the only one who doesn't get what the grandchild has to do with anything?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:fbacd7e1-5d23-48b0-9f07-d88a996620c3">Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend! : This. Am I the only one who doesn't get what the grandchild has to do with anything?
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
    You're not alone.
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  • pegasuskatpegasuskat member
    First Comment Name Dropper 5 Love Its First Anniversary
    CMGr - I think you are reading the OP wrong, her father's girlfriend has a grandchild, that does NOT make it his grandchild, its only his girlfriend, not wife.
    I would list her name on the invite, they are a social unit, but I would not list her in the program, she is a girlfriend not step-mother.
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  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:f32f4371-f932-4815-9010-138083eb89a5">Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>she has been pulling some serious childish behaviour about her first grandchild, and the fact that my brothers and I don't consider our father to be the baby's grandfather</strong>. I'm not sure what to make of this, but something tells me a lot of information is being let out of here. Basically, you don't get along with your father and it's making your dad's gf act crazy? Am I getting that right?
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    [QUOTE] What?!  He IS the baby's grandfather, whether you like it or not.  You don't get to deny him his proper title.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    I think what OP meant was that the GF just got <strong>her</strong> first grandchild and is refering to her BF (OP's dad) as "grandpa" and OP and her siblings are not on-board with their dad being "grandpa" to a baby that's not actually part of his family since he and the GF aren't married.  Which I guess I get, but it seems kinda petty to me if he considers GF and her kid and grandkid to be part of his family why not aknowledge it? 

    image

     

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  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:870c478d-634a-4765-86d7-b84deb6d3149">Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]CMGr - I think you are reading the OP wrong, her father's girlfriend has a grandchild, that does NOT make it his grandchild, its only his girlfriend, not wife. I would list her name on the invite, they are a social unit, but I would not list her in the program, she is a girlfriend not step-mother.
    Posted by pegasuskat[/QUOTE]

    However the OP's father might consider himself a grandtather figure   The fact that the OP and her brother's don't is pretty irrelevant.


    *** My grandfather had a GF for 30+ years.  They never got married.   I dare anyone tell me she was not my grandmother.   Blood she might not have been, but yeah, she was my grandmother.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Itd does sound kinda petty...  it's a silly thing to be upset about but what I really dont' get is, what was the point in bringing it up in her OP? There has got to be more to this story lol.


    Also... my friends' kids all call me Aunt SF. I'm not their aunt, other than their moms being like sisters to me, but as far as I know no one is too bothered by it lol.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:8cee318c-5154-460d-b319-611e37a57171">Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend! : The things in bold should be in your invitation not your program. I guess I should have said and/or, but I noted in my answer that if your ceremony contains different prayers/songs/other items then yes you should include them in your program so your guests know what the heck is going on. But all in all, no one really pays much attention to the programs and guests are most likely smart enough to understand that they are watching a marriage ceremony and they don't really need indepth detail.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

    They can be in both places.  And I've experienced situations where guests of a different religious background than the couple were invited and knew that this was a wedding, but they had no familiarity with the rituals involved, so they didn't understand the significance of different things in the ceremony, like when the couple became officially husband and wife-especially since the ceremony was in a foreign language.  Having something on hand to explain this to them can be useful.  So I don't agree with you about wholesale skipping programs.  I think it's situational.
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  • mrspadfootmrspadfoot member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:f32f4371-f932-4815-9010-138083eb89a5">Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]1. Am I obligated to put dad's girlfriend on the invitation, or can I just say "and guest". For any other person who has a S/O but not engaged or married, we are just writing "and guest"? What will leaving her name off accomplish except to piss her off? Don't instigate drama. Put her name on it and move on. 2. Can I list fiance's step father in our programs, and such without having to include the crazy lady? You can, but if you think it will cause drama why not just skip the programs? she has been pulling some serious childish behaviour about her first grandchild, and the fact that my brothers and I don't consider our father to be the baby's grandfather. I'm not sure what to make of this, but something tells me a lot of information is being let out of here. Basically, you don't get along with your father and it's making your dad's gf act crazy? Am I getting that right?
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

    <div>Actually, the issue is not getting along with her, not him, </div><div>
    </div><div>I only have one or two friends in relationships, so I will take everyone's advice and put their SO's name - my issue is that one of these people is a serial dater, so by the time the wedding comes along, the boyfriend will have changed.</div>
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  • mrspadfootmrspadfoot member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-crazy-girlfriend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:14c92fe3-3450-4eda-8eee-0fe97104efa1Post:d786cf21-a9eb-432c-b3cb-efc42c8f9ffb">Re: Dad's Crazy Girlfriend!</a>:
    [QUOTE]It sounds to me like the OP is a bit of a "crazy chick" herself.  "my brothers and I don't consider our father to be the baby's grandfather."  What?!  <strong>He IS the baby's grandfather, whether you like it or not.  You don't get to deny him his proper title.</strong> I have plenty of relatives that I don't like in my own family, but that doesn't mean that I get to divorce them. OP, act like a lady and treat ALL your guests with consideration and respect.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    <div>He isn't the biological grandfather of the baby, his girlfriend just expects him to be called that, because she doesn't like her own ex-husband.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
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