Wedding Etiquette Forum

Do I be Nice or Not?

Okay here’s my situation: We got married on June 23rd, 2012.
We invited 297, reception held 300, we had about 220 rsvp and that’s the number we gave our caterer 10 days before the wedding day. Had a wonderful wedding! Then the next day (June 24th), I was checking the photos my mother put up on her facebook account and there’s a picture of a couple that my mom took a picture of that we didn’t know from the reception. They had written their name in our guestbook and gave us a card and gift. MY MOTHER INVITED GUESTS WITHOUT TELLING US. We paid for the catering ourselves, and she kept pushing me to invite everyone and their brother, even if I had only met them once in my entire life or never at all, AFTER WE HAD OUR NUMBERS IN! She wanted her friends to come, which I allowed her a list of people she wanted to see there when we originally made our guest list months before. I thought I was being fair, and she wasn’t. What do I do? Should I write a thank you to the uninvited guests?
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Re: Do I be Nice or Not?

  • JessAndTravJessAndTrav member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    As much as tha situation sucks, I say write the TY note. It's the right thing to do.

    ETA: The bolded. Also, don't punish them for your mother's faux pas.
  • Why in the sam hill would you NOT write a thank you?  They probably don't even KNOW that you didn't intend to invite them.  The person at fault here is YOUR MOTHER, not the guests.  They gave you a damn gift, write them a damn thank you.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • Of course you write a TY note!

    But you also never plan a party with your mom ever.
  • You write a thank-you note. I'll let the rest of E decide whether to say anything about the unusual circumstances of their invitation. ("We apologize you didn't get a printed invitation. There was a mix-up with Mom.")

    I would talk to your mom. It sounds like she needs to apologize to these people for how they were invited, in addition to apologizing to you for going against your agreement and wishes.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:73f40ce3-7c3f-49fb-b360-8415dadd2257">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You write a thank-you note. I'll let the rest of E decide whether to say anything about the unusual circumstances of their invitation. <strong>("We apologize you didn't get a printed invitation. There was a mix-up with Mom.")</strong> I would talk to your mom. It sounds like she needs to apologize to these people for how they were invited, in addition to apologizing to you for going against your agreement and wishes.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    This is terribly passive aggressive and would not accomplish anything but pissing people off, and making those people feel uncomfortable. 

    I honestly wouldn't say anything to mom either.  What's done is done, it's over, and OP knows to not plan a party with her mother in the future.  Nothing would be accomplished by it.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:73f40ce3-7c3f-49fb-b360-8415dadd2257">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE] I'll let the rest of E decide whether to say anything about the unusual circumstances of their invitation. ("We apologize you didn't get a printed invitation. There was a mix-up with Mom.")
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    I wouldn't mention the business with the invites. The couple knows that the mother invited them verbally.

    "Mr. & Mrs. Jones,

    Thank you so much for the wonderful gift, and thank you for celebrating our wedding  with us! We're looking forward to using the __________ you gave us!"
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:ea6ab6b7-390f-4d27-b311-9313946146a3">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]They probably don't even KNOW that you didn't intend to invite them.  The person at fault here is YOUR MOTHER, not the guests.
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    This.  Write the note.  Also, just curious - where did they sit? 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • of course you write a thank you.  

    Assuming you didn't have to pay more because they were there and you have  no other issues with your mom I would just let it be with her.  What's done it done.   

    I had an uninvited guest at my wedding also.   It never occurred to me to call out the guest who invited them.   They are generally good people and I've never had any issues with them on other things so I let it go.    We also had 4 no shows, so it didn't cost me anything either.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I thought the OP was ambiguous as to whether these people got oral invites or late, printed invites. If they got late, printed invites, is there no way the OP can save her reputation? After all, these people would assume they were B-listed, and the blame for that faux pas could fall on the bride.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:2df24994-f373-4203-8920-5fd2edb76138">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I thought the OP was ambiguous as to whether these people got oral invites or late, printed invites. If they got late, printed invites, is there no way the OP can save her reputation? After all, these people would assume they were B-listed, and the blame for that faux pas could fall on the bride.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Who cares if a couple she doesn't know and will never see/speak to again might think she is rude for b-listing them?</div><div>
    </div><div>Write the TY and move on.

    </div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • J&K10910J&K10910 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:2df24994-f373-4203-8920-5fd2edb76138">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I thought the OP was ambiguous as to whether these people got oral invites or late, printed invites. If they got late, printed invites, is there no way the OP can save her reputation? After all, these people would assume they were B-listed, and the blame for that faux pas could fall on the bride.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    So...making people that BOUGHT HER A GIFT feel uncomfortable and potentially damaging their relationship with her mother (their friend) is worth her maybe saving some face with people she'll likely never see again? 

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • JessAndTravJessAndTrav member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:f56de1e0-b7ea-4c4f-bf53-b587b5bdbe57">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I be Nice or Not? : And once again EJ graces us with her bad advice.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    I keep hearing that she gives bad advice, but this is the first time I've witnessed it.

    ETA: I know see what people were talking about.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:f9a587e3-cf29-45b2-b1b1-80af800a4e2a">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Jess, she once told someone on R&G that it was proper etiquette to tell people to ship their gifts to you.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    Was I not supposed to do that?! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
  • Sorry, EJ.  I am with everyone else.  Send a TY note because they gave a gift and make ZERO mention of any of the other circumstances.  Better to have them suspect they were "B-listed" than to say something and remove all doubt. 


  • And also, what's worse?  Being B-listed (which they MIGHT think they were) or being not invited at all (which is what they'll realize if she says something)?

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • I honestly wasn't sure [I'm hardly ever sure on E], which is why I raised the issue and let everyone else decide, and why I asked another honest follow-up question.
  • They gave you a gift. You write then a TY note. It doesn't matter if they were invited by you or not. If they had never been invited at all but still sent you a gift through the mail, you would still write a TY, right? This isn't really any different.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:bc426689-135e-41da-bc0a-938643301314">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I honestly wasn't sure [I'm hardly ever sure on E], which is why I raised the issue and let everyone else decide, and why I asked another honest follow-up question.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    <div>From now on, maybe let the people who are sure handle it.  </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
  • Welp, now you know!  Etiquette queens to the rescue.

    image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:bc426689-135e-41da-bc0a-938643301314">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I honestly wasn't sure [I'm hardly ever sure on E], which is why I raised the issue and let everyone else decide, and why I asked another honest follow-up question.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    If you're not sure, or even close to sure about Etiquette, then why do you answer? I feel like the equivalent would be for me to start giving out advice on the Jewish weddings when I know NOTHING about Jewish weddings.
  • In Response to Re:Do I be Nice or Not?:[QUOTE]Welp, now you know!nbsp; Etiquette queens to the rescue. Posted by JK10910[/QUOTE] I feel like we need the now you know rainbow star.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image


  • image
    Everything the light touches is my kingdom.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:a5f6ed1c-cf7c-4d47-894a-8f4e46a96226">Re:Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Do I be Nice or Not?: I feel like we need the now you know rainbow star.
    Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

    <a href="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/6/10/969ef65d-07d5-4148-aab5-ef0023d1bd33.large.jpg" title="Click to view a larger photo" class="PhotoLink"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/6/10/969ef65d-07d5-4148-aab5-ef0023d1bd33.medium.jpg" alt="" /></a>
  • J wins fastest picture uploading skills.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:b382de72-6e4d-45dd-86c4-ded889432a16">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I be Nice or Not? : Shalom!
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    Let's go give some Jewish advice, Edie.
  • Thanks!
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:ad9584cf-6d91-4896-92df-c749082045a7">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I be Nice or Not? : Well all I really know is you're not supposed to have sex before marriage (whoops on that one), no diamonds dutrng the ceremony, and if your H converts and is circumcised, they still need a drop of blood from the shaft.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    I know there's something about smashing a glass.

    And from what I've learned on TV, I think that the bride stands on the right, not the left.

    We sound like the perfect duo to rule Jewish wedding advice.

    Oh, and they do the Tora (sp?) at the reception.
  • JessAndTravJessAndTrav member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited July 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-i-be-nice-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2f0a8094-6f4f-4216-94d7-6a1fa7207907Post:6bfe203a-7f27-4398-bc4f-cc3691576125">Re: Do I be Nice or Not?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I be Nice or Not? : Yes, yes, and yes. Hora though.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    Haha! See, I'm an excellent candidate for advice for JWs!

    ETA: JWs = Jewish Weddings, not Jews, lol.
  • I know E will hate this: We're hoping for Torah at our reception.
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