Do you have to graciously accept all aspects of a b-party?

SB1512 · July 2012

I have a friend getting married next month. I am not in the wedding, but because her BM's are scattered across the country, they are not throwing her a bachelorrette party, so myself and 4 other local girls are putting something together for her. Our plan is to go to a casino for the night and have dinner, followed by a few hours of high-roller bowling and then going to one of the bars/clubs at the casino before heading back to the room to sleep. The issue is that 3 of the girls helping to plan this have arranged for some male entertainment/eye candy in our hotel room before we head out to dinner. They have also purchased a lot of penis items and one of them is making a penis cake. The bride is not a prude, but is not blatently open about sex and none of the pre-dinner stuff is up her alley at all. Myself and the other girl who is not on board have tried telling this to the other 3 girls, but they brush us off and say it'll be fine once we've pre-gamed a bit and she's tipsy/drunk. I'm on the fence about forewarning the bride, because if she doesn't know beforehand she'll def freak out/get pissed and the night will not go well at all. I figure if I tell her she can at least maybe prepare herself because these girls are not going to cancel their pre-dinner plans for her. But overall, does the bride have to graciously accept this part of her party? Even if she knows beforehand what's going on, she will probably still hide in the bathroom, embarrassed (moreso about the male entertainment, not the penis stuff) and uncomfortable with the whole thing.

specialk84 · July 2012

I would tell her. I made it very clear to my BMs that I was not at all interested in a stripper or anything penis-themed. Had they done that anyway, I probably would have been upset. I can guarantee I would have left the room when the stripper came out. I wouldn't just hide in the bathroom--I would leave the room and go sit in the hotel lobby or bar, and I'm pretty sure it would make the rest of the evening awkward and less fun.

Winnertag1 · July 2012

I agree with Special, I would tell the bride. If she was against it - maybe the other girls would take it more seriously if is was the bride telling them not to hire the stripper. If they dont take her seriously atleast she is prepared and can make her own decision without it being throw at her.

SB1512 · July 2012

Thank you. I think I will tell her. The other girls are not going to back off, so the stripper is not going away. I just wanted to make sure it wouldn't be super rude of her to walk into the bathroom or to walk away. In fact, myself and the other girl against it will probably leave with her, so at least there will still be 3 of us that can have a good time.

DramaGeek · July 2012

I think the bride needs to speak up. Has she told them she doesn't like that and wouldn't appreciate it? Perhaps if it comes from her, they'll back off.

SB1512 · July 2012

Yes the bride has made it very clear that it's not something she wants. We have all been friends since high school and she has also been very private about her sex life and such things so they know she is not into the idea but are pushing ahead anyways. They keep insisting once she is drunk she'll love it.

specialk84 · July 2012

Leaving the room when a stranger starts removing his clothing and shaking his junk in your face has never been, and will never be, rude.

I still think she should say something. Since you said they KNOW she doesn't want it, I would be even more pissed. Livid.

Summer2011Bride · July 2012

I would definitely tell her and hopefully they'll take it more seriously when it comes from her. If I was her,, I would even come and out and tell these girls, "Well if you go through with this, I want you to know I will be leaving the room when the strippers arrive." Perhaps then they'll realize it just isn't worth hiring one.

DramaGeek · July 2012

Ditto Summer. Definitely tell her, and encourage her to let them know that she knows about the plan and she doesn't plan to stay for it.

H made it very clear to his guys that if there were strippers he was leaving. The BM wasn't having any of that, so there just wasn't a bach party.

Loopyseven · July 2012

I agree to let her know. You and the bride and the other girl will probably have a better time in the hotel bar "waiting out" stripper time, than the other girls will

ootmother2 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-have-to-graciously-accept-all-aspects-of-a-b-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c50172cd-5d9b-46ff-9932-13957f26ba3fPost:8e2dbeb2-b71f-4645-bdf5-b4c9356b3ce7">Re: Do you have to graciously accept all aspects of a b-party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree to let her know. You and the bride and the other girl will probably have a better time in the hotel bar "waiting out" stripper time, than the other girls will :)
Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]

I'd tell the bride now what is planned.

My niece was subjected to a very sweaty male stripper that my two sisters arranged for her B party, fully knowing that the bride would hate it. My sisters thought it was hysterical but no one else did.

and it damaged their relationship quite badly

J&K10910 · July 2012

I would be absolutely livid if my "friends" knew my wishes on this and didn't respect them. I think it's pretty clear that these three "friends" want the stripper there for their own benefit, not for the bride. I would absolutely tell her so she can know that her friends are assholes.

Ciardasully · July 2012

I agree with PP's. I'd tell her and possibly arrange not to be there while the stripper is there. The other girls are in the wrong here but I don't think they seem to care.

I just want to say I don't get the penis necklace thing. I told my MOH and BM's that I will not wear any penis jewelry. They are welcome to wear it, but I am not. They were bummed but they got over it.

RebeccaB88 · July 2012

As the bride, I would absolutely want you to tell me. If you knew and didn't clue me in, our relationship might be just as damaged as mine with the girls who got the stripper. And, if I was in the bride's place, not only would I leave the room when the stripper showed up, I would pack up my things and leave the party altogether. That would be enough blatant disrespect for me to end the friendships then and there.

I could handle the penis cake, though, so long as it stayed in the hotel room and didn't go out in public. Because I love cake. Penis necklaces, lollipops, headgear, etc...no. Never.

Mrs.B6302007 · July 2012

It's a real jerk move of them to hire a stripper when they know she would be uncomfortable. I can't decide if they're doing it because they really think she'll feel differently once the party gets started or if they're doing it because it's what THEY want and her b-party is the perfect excuse to get a stripper. I'm leaning towards the latter.

And yes, I would tell her.

willywally5 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-have-to-graciously-accept-all-aspects-of-a-b-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c50172cd-5d9b-46ff-9932-13957f26ba3fPost:b95efa11-d621-483d-9482-7ea119195bd4">Re: Do you have to graciously accept all aspects of a b-party?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP's. I'd tell her and possibly arrange not to be there while the stripper is there. <strong>The other girls are in the wrong here but I don't think they seem to care</strong>. I just want to say I don't get the penis necklace thing. I told my MOH and BM's that I will not wear any penis jewelry. They are welcome to wear it, but I am not. They were bummed but they got over it.
Posted by Ciardasully[/QUOTE]

<div>Which makes it even worse. </div><div>
</div><div>'Let's have a party 'in honor of' our bridely friend, but do everything we can to make her super uncomfortable because that will be really fun.' WTF?</div><div>
</div><div>Kind of rotten friends, IMO. Tell the bride and encourage her to say something as well. </div>

Kate61487 · July 2012

definitely tell the bride; and let her know that if they do it anyway you and the other girl will be happy to leave the party with her so she knows she won't be ostracized.

mbrischoux · July 2012

Tell her. It will ruin her evening if something that makes her this uncomfortable were done. At this point, the other girls are getting the stripper for THEMSELVES and their OWN entertainment, not for the fun of the bride.

My girls probably would have rather gone to a club or something, but decided to take me out to lunch instead, because they knew that would make ME happy. The bride doesn
t need to be involved in the planning of the BParty, but it should be done in taste that SHE would enjoy.

HandBanana · July 2012

In Response to Re:Do you have to graciously accept all aspects of a bparty?:[QUOTE]It's a real jerk move of them to hire a stripper when they know she would be uncomfortable.nbsp; I can't decide if they're doing it because they really think she'll feel differently once the party gets started or if they're doing it because it's what THEY want and her bparty is the perfect excuse to get a stripper.nbsp; I'm leaning towards the latter.And yes, I would tell her. Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

I think the latter also. H told his BM, his brother, he didn't want a stripper. He doesn't like the idea of it and it just makes him uncomfortable. The response he got was that it wasn't about him or what he wanted.

mbrischoux · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_do-you-have-to-graciously-accept-all-aspects-of-a-b-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c50172cd-5d9b-46ff-9932-13957f26ba3fPost:a82bff7e-f02d-4e76-bf6e-3bd7e6d808cb">Re:Do you have to graciously accept all aspects of a bparty?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Do you have to graciously accept all aspects of a bparty?: I think the latter also. H told his BM, his brother, he didn't want a stripper. He doesn't like the idea of it and it just makes him uncomfortable. The response he got was that it wasn't about him or what he wanted.
Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

Wow. That is sucky.

SB1512 · July 2012

Thanks everyone. I saw her this afternoon and told her what was going on and being planned in terms of the strippers (the rest of the party, casino and bowling, is a surprise). I also let her know that if the girls go through with it, myself and the other friend will be more than happy to leave the situation with her. She's pretty annoyed at the three girls and plans to have a serious "come to Jesus" meeting with them about their plans and let them know if strippers arrive, she's gone and for them to not even bother coming out for the rest of the party, it will just be the three of us. Hopefully they get it through their heads not to go through with it. She did say she was alright with the penis cake, as long as it stays in the room.

erbear84 · July 2012

The penis cake is fine by me (when my friend got married last year, her MOH baked one as a "surprise" and I somehow wound up decorating - and filling - a penis cake. It was ridiculous but she was a good sport about it), but I've already told my BMs that if there are strippers I am gone. Ditto for the penis necklaces, lollipops, etc.

DeannaCW · July 2012

I would be beyond pissed if this was done to me without my knowledge. Although it wouldn't be me leaving. I'd be throwing the stripper out as well as whoever hired him and was in on it, and most likely never speaking to them again. I hope her chat to them goes well. If it doesn't, I hope she either uninvites them or changes the room without telling them! Though I'm also the type who would be mad about the other paraphernilia that you say will be there too, so there is that...

HannahandJeremy · July 2012

As a bride, I would definitely want to know so I think you made the right decision. In that situation, I would talk to the girls and express my wishes not to have "adult entertainment." And I would immediately leave if those wishes were disregarded. I know that my fiance would do the same thing if any of his friends pulled this kind of thing. Anyone planning a bachelor/bachelorette party should be keeping in mind what type of party the bride/groom wants.

Do you have to graciously accept all aspects of a b-party?

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