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Etiquette crimes? worth it?
Etiquette
Etiquette crimes? worth it?
No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.
 I'll try to make this as short as possible. My grandparents have 2 kids. My dad and a daughter. My grandma has always picked my dad, and my grandpa has always picked my aunt. My aunt is causing
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Etiquette
Etiquette crimes? worth it?
No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.
 I'll try to make this as short as possible. My grandparents have 2 kids. My dad and a daughter. My grandma has always picked my dad, and my grandpa has always picked my aunt. My aunt is causing
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Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:400f00db-fefb-483b-9bea-0f472ff44a33
Forums  >  Wedding Boards  >  Etiquette  >  Etiquette crimes? worth it?
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Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 2:16 PM EST on theknot.com
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 I'll try to make this as short as possible.
My grandparents have 2 kids. My dad and a daughter. My grandma has always picked my dad, and my grandpa has always picked my aunt. My aunt is causing all kinds of drama and has essentially torn the family apart. (She has told her mother that she doesn't want her to ever see her kids again, won't let her mother take her kids anywhere, calls her a bitch, etc. etc. etc.) (All because my dad's wife is in the picture now.) Well, one day a few months back, my aunt and grandma were arguing over email. I sent an email to my aunt on behalf of my grandma because i thought the email would upset my grandma too much. Lots was said, lots of not nice things, from both parties. Aunt's son's birthday party happened, and I was not invited. My grandma called my aunt to ask if I was, and aunt told grandma that the family issues are grandma's fault and shes a effing bitch, and that I (me) am a sassy little bitch.. or something to that effect.
My aunt had received a save-the-date before this happened. (the issues are long standing, now, 4 years or so). Now, I'm stuck because I don't want someone who will call me a sassy bitch to my grandmother (and forward the email to my grandfather) at MY wedding. Not inviting her would crush my grandfather's heart. Her presence would make my wedding hell. (Destination wedding so she might not even show up). I don't know what to do. Is uninviting her and further destroying the family worth it?

Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 2:20 PM EST on theknot.com
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Just invite her.  It is not worth the drama you will start if you don't.

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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 2:30 PM EST on theknot.com
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I agree with Eagles.  It will cause far less drama inviting her than you will if you don't invite her. 

Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 2:30 PM EST on theknot.com
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Be a better person than her and end the drama.   Surprised
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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 2:34 PM EST on theknot.com
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I don't even understand everything you just said up there.  But I think my answer is just invite her.  You'll be the bigger person, she probably won't come and even if she does, just try to avoid her and do your thing.

Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 2:35 PM EST on theknot.com
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This is exactly why I didn't do save the dates.. I lurked these boards and saw this type of stuff happening :(

I would say invite her, and if she causes any issues, it looks bad on her, not you (for making the effort). Maybe you'll luck out and she won't even show up!
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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 2:36 PM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?:
I don't even understand everything you just said up there.  But I think my answer is just invite her.  You'll be the bigger person, she probably won't come and even if she does, just try to avoid her and do your thing.
Posted by FutureMrsTR


This.  I could not remotely follow that story... but the answer is invite family to avoid even further drama.

Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 2:42 PM EST on theknot.com
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I want to say be the better person and go ahead and invite her. However, I had a similar issue with my aunt and did not invite her after sending a STD.

Long story short, about 9 months before my wedding, $hit went haywire with her and a huge issue occurred between her, my mother, and their brothers & sisters. It was bad. In order to prevent an issues at the wedding and allow my mother, grandmother, and other aunts/uncles to enjoy the day without stress, I opted not to invite her. So yes, I committed an etiquette crime.

Looking back, I wish I had taken the chance and invited her. There is a chance that a happy time like a wedding could have helped everyone mend fences and I think about that everyday. And...there is a chance that $hit could have hit the fan...but that would have been her own doing. It would have been worth taking the chance.

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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 2:52 PM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Etiquette crimes? worth it?:
 Is uninviting her and further destroying the family worth it?
Posted by lqqk163


I'm generally a stickler for etiquette, but if you get to the point that you are willing to cut all ties with a person and never speak to them again, uninviting them to something isn't out of the question.  

However, the fact that this would further destroy your family and would hurt someone other than the aggressor aunt is enough for me to say that you should go ahead and invite her anyway.  

Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 3:04 PM EST on theknot.com
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I say invite her and be the bigger person.

i have an aunt who is a manipulative addict and i don't want to have anything to do with her but i wanted to invite my cousin to the wedding. Well he lives with her still so if I only sent one invitation to him and not to her it would have been war. I just invited her and it was fine. She was on her best behavior.



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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 3:15 PM EST on theknot.com
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Wait when did you send your  STDs? Anyways doesn't really matter I would just invite her.
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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 3:33 PM EST on theknot.com
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If she doesn't like you or your grandmother, she probably isn't going to come anyway. Just let it lie. She'll come if she wants to, and if she starts any drama, you have enough support around you that she'll be put in her place.
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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 3:52 PM EST on theknot.com
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I would PERSONALLY invite her.  Hand deliver the invitation and tell her that you are excited for your wedding to be a family event that will hopefully be able to strengthen family ties.  Dont be afraid to say that you hope the animosity between people can be laid aside for one day.  Tell her "Those people" who can celebrate JOYFULLY with you are welcome with open arms.  She can take it how she wants.  This way you are trying to set things aside but you are also heading a warning.

In the end, people who want drama will always start drama so by being the bigger person for your grandfather you may save yourself some stress :)

Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 4:34 PM EST on theknot.com
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I would move the earth if i could to avoid hurting my grandfather.  I think this is a non-issue.  You invite her for your grandparents sake alone.
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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 4:39 PM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?:
I would PERSONALLY invite her.  Hand deliver the invitation and tell her that you are excited for your wedding to be a family event that will hopefully be able to strengthen family ties.  Dont be afraid to say that you hope the animosity between people can be laid aside for one day.  Tell her "Those people" who can celebrate JOYFULLY with you are welcome with open arms.  She can take it how she wants.  This way you are trying to set things aside but you are also heading a warning. In the end, people who want drama will always start drama so by being the bigger person for your grandfather you may save yourself some stress :)
Posted by helleb

OP, don't do this. It is weird and borderline rude. It's like you're offering her a challenge, throwing down the gauntlet. Don't treat her any differently than any other guest.




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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 5:50 PM EST on theknot.com
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I couldn't follow the story at all either.  Did the OP get in the middle of some kind of family fight and pick a side?  Sounds like this daughter person (whoever she belongs to) likes to create drama, and the entire family follows along and gets sucked in.

OP, just stay out of other people's relationships, and suck it up and invite her.  Maybe she won't come, and then you're in the clear.  If she causes a stupid scene, have her escorted out.  She will look like the idiot. 

Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 7:32 PM EST on theknot.com
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Wait, if this has been going on for 4 years, why did you send her a STD in the first place?

Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/10/2012 11:32 PM EST on theknot.com
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i would say dont invite... but then again Im not good with family drama and would rather not see/ talk to them then have them around me.  But if she is invited make it your MOH #1 duty to keep her away from you and to keep an eye on her.  Hopefully you will not know she is even there.
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Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/12/2012 4:56 PM EST on theknot.com
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Invite her.

Also, stay out of this mess in the future. If I'm reading your post correctly, your grandparents started the whole thing by (each) favoring one of their children. Of course their relationships aren't great. It isn't your concern. The problem far older than you are, and there are more hot buttons than you'll ever know. That's what I finally came to realize about the decent but occasionally very weird relationships in my father's family. I'm a lot happier since I just backed out of them. I actually get along better with everyone, too.

Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?

posted at 2/13/2012 3:48 PM EST on theknot.com
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In Response to Re: Etiquette crimes? worth it?:
I would PERSONALLY invite her.  Hand deliver the invitation and tell her that you are excited for your wedding to be a family event that will hopefully be able to strengthen family ties.  Dont be afraid to say that you hope the animosity between people can be laid aside for one day.  Tell her "Those people" who can celebrate JOYFULLY with you are welcome with open arms.  She can take it how she wants.  This way you are trying to set things aside but you are also heading a warning. In the end, people who want drama will always start drama so by being the bigger person for your grandfather you may save yourself some stress :)
Posted by helleb

BAD idea. Not good. Don't stir the fire. Put water on it instead by just inviting her. If she raises issues at the wedding, just smile your way through it and don't let the situation escalate. Ignore her if she starts trouble and treat her like another guest if she is on her best behaviour (or even fairly decent). Weddings usually bring out the better part of people. If not and she causes a fuss, people will feel for you and have another bad thing to say about her later on. Best of luck and congrats on your wedding!
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