future sis-in-law

beauandsam11 · June 2010

So, my FI sister is in our wedding as one of my bridesmaids but there has been a lot of tension lately. She recently left her husband after only being married 11 months and she is making quite a scene over the whole thing. She has been acting quite rude to me for the past few weeks and I am not sure what to think about it. She already has her dress.

Also, she has "guy friends" and I really don't like the idea she is seeing men and still hasn't filled a divorce yet. And I am hoping she doesn't bring any of them to the wedding!

I am just so nervous!

SarahPLiz · June 2010

I don't get why you are concerning yourself with her personal life, or what this has to do with your wedding. Her life doesn't revolve around you or your wedding. You are needlessly worrying about something that you can't control. That's just plain unproductive, and even counterproductive because you are causing yourself needless stress.

If she brings the flavor of the month to your wedding, its no reflection on you. SHe will have to deal with any backlash from her family.

If you ask her to step down, you will create a big rift in FI's family, most likely. You have to be related to her for the rest of your life, so be the bigger person and give her some space. Divorces are hard, as are accepting that you have failed at something. Let her be, be supportive of positive actions in her life, and don't take her actions with other people personally. Her divorce and how she deals with it has nothing to do with you.

My advice: Repeat the serenity prayer 3 times and move on.

[Deleted User] · June 2010

Ditto SarahPLiz. Well said. Move on, it is out of your control. If she still wants to be in the WP, let her be. If she wants, out let her. Either way, if she brings a date to the wedding and he is an idiot or whatever, he will be the one that people will be talking about, not you. Besides, people are going to be focused on you and your new hubby anyway to notice someone making a fool of themselves.

JoyTate1 · June 2010

You should probably be more worried about your one day party than your sister-in-law going through a hard time. <--this is sarcasm

Maybe try talking to her like a friend? I don't know the reason behind her divorce. Her husband could have been cheating, lying, abusive, he could have not held up his end of the bargain. Whatever the case is, it is obviously hard for her. Try asking her what is bothering her, try being there for her and leave the wedding out of it.

All she has to do is show up in the dress reasonably sober. Who she brings is none of your concern. Just so you know, a lot of people start dating once they have separated and before the divorce is final.

Pirata13 · June 2010

Like PPs have said, you have no control over what she does or who she sees, so let it go. And keep any comments to yourself. Even if FI says similar things, don't put your two cents in. Like others have said, she is going through a tough time and that is probably the reason she is acting negative. She was just doing all that you are doing 11 months ago, she can't feel good being in her position. It's like when everyone is having babies and there's the one friend who has been trying for 5 years and is struggling with the emotions of seeing everyone else getting what you want.

Maybe ask her to lunch. And keep wedding talk out of it unless she initiates it. Ask her how she is really doing and ask her if there is anything you can do for her. And if she wants to let loose and rail about what happened with her marriage, just LISTEN. It may be just what she needs.

526SadieSadie · June 2010

An additional thought: do not, repeat DO NOT harbor any bad feelings toward her if she tells you that she has to bow out of your wedding because it's painful and just too much for her to handle right now. Be a friend to her, be a sister.

beauandsam11 · June 2010

The problem is she left her husband for no good reason. He did not cheat, he got ehr everything and she just didn't want to be with him anymore. I guess I am irritated because she takes for granted everything her parents have done. And she moved back in caused her parents a ton of stress and put them into debt because of her wedding and they almost lost their house. She shows no remorse, no pain. She doesn't care about this guy at all anymore. That irritates me.

I am just worried she will make a scene at my wedding, I dont want that!

beauandsam11 · June 2010

My FI feels the same way as me. He has actually tried to talk to her about her seeing other guys while still married and she said it was non of his business! So I don't think we will be able to do anything!

I don't think she will mind either. She likes to steal the attention away from my FI in anyway. I kind think she is doing this all now because my FI and I kind of the center of attention and she was seeing that before she left her husband.

Part of me feels bad for feeling so angry with her, but then part of me doesnt.

aerinpegadrak · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_future-sis-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:5676ff63-865c-403c-bd6e-4924a5329bbfPost:284a991f-61b6-4797-8eb6-3af7ba119341">Re: future sis-in-law</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>My FI feels the same way as me. He has actually tried to talk to her about her seeing other guys while still married and she said it was non of his business! </strong>So I don't think we will be able to do anything! I don't think she will mind either. She likes to steal the attention away from my FI in anyway. I kind think she is doing this all now because my FI and I kind of the center of attention and she was seeing that before she left her husband. Part of me feels bad for feeling so angry with her, but then part of me doesnt.
Posted by beauandsam11[/QUOTE]
Well, it is none of his business. I mean, I know he meant well, but seriously, it's not a good idea to butt into other people's relationship problems.

alaskancoppertop · June 2010

This is why when my husband and I have our formal wedding, the only person who is going to be allowed to bring a date is going to be my ex-husband (and he has to have the ok from me on who it is, and that is only because he is the EX and would be a bit akward for him to be dateless). Everyone else has to be either married to their date or be a long term relationship that I will be inviting by name. I will not be sending "and family" or "and guest" invites so I can keep my number of guests tdown and avoid party crashers.

As far as her dating while still legally married... in my book, no matter what kind of wife she was, it is not any of your business in the aspect of telling her she shouldn't be doing it. It's her life, let her live however she wants to. However, the one place that it DOES have a bearing is your wedding and who her guest is going to be. I would have your FI sit down with her and tell her that if she wants to date these people, that is her choice, however, when it comes to YOUR wedding, he expects her to use common sense and show respect and not bring some random guy that she has known for only a few weeks and might cause drama (esp if you invited her ex-husband to come on his own since he is still technically family and could still be your FIs friend despite the divorce). Perhaps he can suggest to her some appropriate "escorts" that she would be comfortable hanging out with but wouldn't feel any pressure of an expectation of dating that the family would feel comfortable with. When I was planning my formal wedding before it got cancelled, I told my ex that I was going to have him escort his ex-girlfriend!! She is my best friend and she didn't have a boyfriend at the time, and this way, he had someone to talk to without the pressure of dating (no way are they getting back together!!) and she wasn't alone, either.

I would also have FI sit down and talk with her AND the parents at the same time about her behavior and how it is NOT acceptable and won't be tolerated for ANY reason... if she is hurting, fine, but she better find a better (and more ADULT) avenue to deal with it. In my family, if you are not acting like family, you are not treated like family, and behavoir like that would warrent not only being kicked out of the wedding party, but having the wedding invitation recinded. Perhaps she needs a shock that the family's world doesnt' revolve around her to make her straighten up i she knows that she might not get to come at all, let alone with any date.

psuxray07 · June 2010

ALASKAN... thank you!! That's pretty much what I wanted to say, I'm just not good at writing it out! lol. I especially agree with the part where it has bearing because it's HER wedding.

She def. needs a shock so she realizes she's not the center of the universe.

LaurenLee615 · June 2010

Regardless of what she is going through she should not punish you! In a perfect world she would be supportive and happy for you. Unfortunatly it's not a perfect world as I have learned. Just because I have experience with sister in law drama, I would suggest having your fiance talk to her first. If this doesn't help I would have a talk with her and just explain she doesn't have to be supportive of your wedding but she needs to act like it if she plans on being in it.

As far as other men go, just let that one go. You don't have to agree with her lifestyle so don't stress it. If she brings someone just block it out because you have much more to worry about on your big day!

future sis-in-law

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