Honoring a groomsman...

tashala107 · December 2010

I figured this would be the best board to get honest opinions.

One of FI's best friends recently passed away suddenly. It has been really hard on both of us, our group of friends and of course his family. Great guy, gone far too soon. He was supposed to be one of our groomsmen.

We are obviously not replacing him in the wedding party, but we'd like to honor him in some way on that day. We're not quite sure the best way to do this. I was thinking of making a note in the program or lighting a memorial candle. FI brought up having a moment of silence or making a toast...

Any advice would be appreciated and welcomed.

Simply Fated · December 2010

I like the idea of a memory candle.

i think, in general, when people die, the person in question wouldn't want us dwelling on it..... especially if it invokes feelings of sadness. Double especially if it invokes feelings of sadness during a time that is supposed to be filled with happy celebration.

I say, pick 1 think that you think would make him happy and leave it at that.

SD3194 · December 2010

Tashala, sorry to hear about your FIs friend, that really sucks.

I like the idea of a moment of silence and lighting a candle during the reception. Maybe during the speeches?

My friend's Dad died right before her wedding and she placed a rose where he would've sat at the ceremony. That's always another option. Maybe your FI could put the flower down on the seat? Be prepared for some tears though. I know my friend could barely recite her vows because she was crying so hard.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

I am so sorry to hear about your FI's friend.

I like all of the ideas and I definitely would mention his name in the program. I have heard of the flower on the seat where he would of sat thing, and I like that as well.

MMRoberts11 · December 2010

I'm sorry to hear about your FI's friend. I would definitely mention him in the program and do either a memorial candle or rose and possibly do a moment of silence. I went to a wedding once where one of the groomsman died a month before the wedding (he was in the marines and died in Iraq) and the couple put him in the program still (I forget how they worded the part about him though) and had a picture of him where he was supposed to sit at the reception and did a memorial candle.

tashala107 · December 2010

thanks so much for the condolences and the advice/ confirmation. We're prepared for some tears... but we don't want to completely change the mood of the wedding. We still have time to make some plans.

emilyinchile · December 2010

I would probably just list him in the program as an honorary groomsman with a note saying that he passed away, you miss him, etc. Some people also have candles and/or photos of deceased relatives and friends on a table somewhere, so you could include him there.

I don't think any of the other ideas is necessarily bad, but it does seem to shift the focus a little bit. If I'm at your wedding, and I didn't know the friend, while I would of course feel sorry for your loss it would feel a bit jarring to me to stop the wedding for something not related to you and your FI getting married. I also think that in 4 months you guys might feel differently as your grief evolves, so I'd hold off on making any decisions until closer to the wedding.

MissOwl · December 2010

i'm so sorry for your loss. at one wedding i attended, the DJ played a song in honor of the bride's dad who had recently died. she danced with her mom and they had a quiet moment to talk about memories and such. perhaps since your friend was close to you and your fi, you could play a favorite song of his at the reception for a few moments of remembrance?

MrsTucker2011 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_honoring-groomsman?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:edc11f91-c5fc-4f7f-a0ce-7ece27f2833bPost:643e36a4-06f8-496c-b021-54d5e00b504b">Re: Honoring a groomsman...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would probably just list him in the program as an honorary groomsman with a note saying that he passed away, you miss him, etc. Some people also have candles and/or photos of deceased relatives and friends on a table somewhere, so you could include him there. I don't think any of the other ideas is necessarily bad, but it does seem to shift the focus a little bit. If I'm at your wedding, and I didn't know the friend, while I would of course feel sorry for your loss it would feel a bit jarring to me to stop the wedding for something not related to you and your FI getting married. I also think that in 4 months you guys might feel differently as your grief evolves, so I'd hold off on making any decisions until closer to the wedding.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

I like the idea of honorary groomsman. It's sweet, and touching.
Just keep in mind to keep it as a kind gesture. I don't want to sound harsh, but you have to keep in mind the people who didn't know late GM are expecting a wedding instead of a half memorial. Try and think in their shoes of going to someone's wedding where they incorporated one of your ideas and it will help you figure out what would be awkward or not.
I'm very sorry for your FI's loss. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-frown.gif" border="0" alt="Frown" title="Frown" />

Honoring a groomsman...

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