Housework Advice

AlexiaANDRobert · February 2010

Pardon the lengthy post, but I'm really hoping to get opinions and advice on this.

Robert and I BOTH work 40+ hours a week.

I do ALL of the housework.

I cook, then do the dishes (he hates doing dishes). I do the laundry (he hates folding clothes and matching socks), make the bed, dust, vacuum, organize, pay the bills, get the mail, clean the toilets, scrub the showers, etc. etc. etc.

I pretty much leave the dogs to him but even that ends up being 50/50.

I constantly feel like I have to ask him for help. I'll have 5 loads of folded laundry that's ready to be put away and he'll just say "Are you watching tv or can I play xbox for a while?"

If I tell him to put his laundry away first, I feel like his mother. I wake him up for 25 minutes in the morning before he gets out of bed.

Seriously, I love my husband more than life and I know he loves me so much, but I feel like when we're at home, I'm more of a mom than a wife.

I'm not writing this to get sympathy or anything, but more like tips or advice.

Also, when he does help out, he seriously sucks at it. He'll dust with his HAND or the bottom of the shirt he's wearing. He thinks the swiffer is a sufficient vacuum when we're deep cleaning. I just don't want to feel like a nag, but it's really not fair to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm enabling him because I'd rather just do it myself than ask 20 times.

CN: H doesn't do enough around the house and it's starting to make me angry. I DON'T want to be resentful. I know we've only been married a short time and we didn't live together before marriage, but I don't want this to be something that is on going forever. I don't expect miracles either.

betrothed123 · February 2010

Sit down and talk to him. Calmly tell him what you've told us. Explain your frustrations to him and find out a system that works for you. Don't do it while you'r trying to get him to help out, though.

danieliza1127 · February 2010

Honestly, that's pretty much the way me and my H are and I'm fine with it. I hate the way he loads the dishwasher, so I'd rather do it myself. He doesn't really know how to do laundry properly and he doesn't know which clothes get folded and which clothes hang up, so I'd rather do it myself. For me, I find that I would rather do it my way. He does cook dinner a lot though, and he takes out the trash and recycling so I appreciate that.

The one thing I've learned is that if I really want him to do something, like clean the litter box for example, I have to ask him to do it and then just be patient until he actually does it. He'll say okay and then a day or so will go by and it's still not done. I have to make myself remind him and then just be calm and patient and let him do it, otherwise I end up doing it myself anyway.

My best friend does her own laundry and her husband does his own laundry. Is that an option for you?

The hard part is just being patient when you ask him to do something and actually giving him time to get off his butt and do it. Have you guys talked about how you feel about him not helping out? Maybe if he knows that you need help, he'd be willing to? Maybe he thinks you've got it all under control.

louisvillebride21 · February 2010

One I have heard that I think I'll use is "Folding laundry and vacuuming need to be done, which one do you want to do?"

aMrsin09 · February 2010

Ditto Betrothed. I would also point out that how could he not notice that you are spending no alone time together.

As for the wake up in the morning...eff that crap. He managed to get to work on time before you were married. He can continue the method he used when he was single.

danieliza1127 · February 2010

Oh yeah ditto aMrs on the waking him up in the morning. Set an alarm clock and leave him be. He'll get up on his own, you don't have to hound him. I did that with my H too and all it was doing was putting us both in bad moods in the morning. Now when I get out of bed, I reset the alarm clock the time he needs to get up and I just go about my morning. He'll hit snooze once or twice but eventually he'll get up and get ready in time.

ac_in_dc · February 2010

This is a tough one. Talking it out would definitely help...it would be good to see where he is coming from.

I can definitely be a slacker about housework, but I try to be responsive when folks ask me to do stuff. I don't resent people (roommates or partners or whatever) telling me to do my dishes or clean up a room or something, as long as they're nice about it. Sometimes I just need a reminder. Maybe your husband is like this?? As much as it sucks to have to remind/tell him to do stuff, maybe that's the compromise you'll need to make?

aMrsin09 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_housework-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6fabb06f-70cd-4b98-83a6-b23c8827739fPost:c37cd907-9b4f-42e8-877a-ca5b6f739a3c">Re: Housework Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]One I have heard that I think I'll use is "Folding laundry and vacuuming need to be done, which one do you want to do?"
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]

H and I both use this one. It seems to work, since we don't know what is on each others "mental to-do" lists.

AlexiaANDRobert · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_housework-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6fabb06f-70cd-4b98-83a6-b23c8827739fPost:65f2cb46-38ca-4761-a533-f2d2d085da2e">Re: Housework Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto Betrothed. I would also point out that how could he not notice that you are spending no alone time together. <strong>As for the wake up in the morning...eff that crap. He managed to get to work on time before you were married. He can continue the method he used when he was single.
</strong>Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

Nope, he sure didn't.

His roommate would yell before leaving the apartment and he'd have FIVE alarms going off all over the place. He was late most days, but just by a few minutes. How this didn't piss off his supervisor is beyond me.

We have talked, but you're right, I think we need a sit down 'Come to Jesus' talk. Mostly when we talk it's cause I'm already annoyed or worked up about it. I like the 'This and this need to be done, which do you want?' That could work. Maybe...

danieliza1127 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_housework-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6fabb06f-70cd-4b98-83a6-b23c8827739fPost:18ebe25e-6edd-4fa6-926f-c7074488cd26">Re: Housework Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Housework Advice : Nope, he sure didn't. His roommate would yell before leaving the apartment and he'd have FIVE alarms going off all over the place. He was late most days, but just by a few minutes. How this didn't piss off his supervisor is beyond me.
Posted by AlexiaANDRobert[/QUOTE]

But you being married now doesn't suddenly make this your responsibility.

jajph1974 · February 2010

Serious advice : Have a talk with him and let him know how you feel and make sure he understands how important this is to you.

Not so serious advice : Go on strike. I read an article a few years ago about a woman that did this. She only did her own laundry, washed her own dishes, cooked only for herself, etc., until her husband got the hint. I would only recommend this if every other option fails

SarahPLiz · February 2010

I know this is going to sound juvenile, but it worked in the past for me and my ex.

I am a horrible housekeeper. He thought I should be a perfect housekeeper. I told him that wasn't going to happen and he needed to help me.

We actually made a chart of what needed to get done each day (monday, vaccuming/ tuesday, bathrooms/ wednesday, laundry, etc) and put it on the fridge. Then we BOTH had a way to split everything up into manageable pieces so it wasn't all overwhelming on Saturday. We decided together that the stuff on the list needed to be done between dinner and TV watching and we would not go to bed until it was done. It actually worked for us for a few months, until we broke up for other reasons.

I really need to start that chart again for my own purposes, because I am falling behind here in our condo and its overwhelming to get it all done in one day on the weekend. Anyway, its an idea that could help the communication process, so you are both on the same page about expectations.

betrothed123 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_housework-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6fabb06f-70cd-4b98-83a6-b23c8827739fPost:d14fbd8c-978d-4594-aaa0-923a4e98cea1">Re: Housework Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Not so serious advice : Go on strike. I read an article a few years ago about a woman that did this. She only did her own laundry, washed her own dishes, cooked only for herself, etc., until her husband got the hint. I would only recommend this if every other option fails
Posted by jajph1974[/QUOTE]
I realize this is not so serious advice, but a word of caution about doing this: you may end up living in total squalor. I tried it with an old roommate of mine. She'd pile her dishes in the sink and wait until I was doing the dishes because I would do them all when I needed a plate. Finally I stopped doing it. I'd pull her dirty dishes out of the sink, wash my own, and put hers back in. I stopped vacuuming the common area floors because she refused to help out. Eventually I stopped going back to the apartment at all. We ended up having fruit flies because she still didn't do her dishes, and when we moved out I went through 3 vacuums because they all broke trying to pick up the nastiness on the floor.

AlexiaANDRobert · February 2010

I like the chart idea.

And we have talked because it's sucky to spend one of our two days off just cleaning.

I've talked to my sister but her situation is different because they have house with a pool. Her H does all the outside stuff, and she does inside stuff.

We have a condo, so, inside is all we've got!

AlexiaANDRobert · February 2010

I would NEVER go on strike.

I'd disconnect the cable and hide the video games so he was forced to clean out of sheer boredom first! (And I'd never do this anyway, but it doesn't sound so bad as I type it...)

aMrsin09 · February 2010

See, housework is where H figures I lied to him. I told him upfront I was a housekeeper from hell, becuase I suck at it. There is ALWAYS something better to do than vacume. Well apparently in OZ that means you are a good housekeeper* To add to it, right before he came to live with me for three months, I had a maid service come in...

* when is the term "from hell" ever used to denote a GOOD thing?

Nebb · February 2010

I dont see how him not liking to do something is an acceptable excuse not to do them. How many people really enjoy doing most of the chores we have to do? We do them anyways though. If he doesnt know how to do it properly, he can damn well learn. If he doesnt want to fold his laundry, tough. He can then deal with wrinkly clothes that lay on the floor or the hamper on his side of the bed until he gets his act together. If the stuff isnt done for him, he will eventually do it.

punkyb2b · February 2010

Why is it even an option for him not to help out? Talk and tell him that exactly what you expect the house to look like. for example, the house needs to be dusted with spray and a dust cloth when the furniture looks like this.... or the dishes need to be done within 10 hours of getting dirty etc. If he disagrees with what is considered dirty or when things shouldbe done, meet in the middle. My DH and I share most of the housework except cleaning bathrooms. Either he does it, or the cleaning service doe

There is no reason you should be putting away his laundry if you dont like to. He is an adult and adults don't live in pig stys. He needs to grow up a bit.

luckyme502 · February 2010

If it was me, I would tell him I am your wife, not your maid. If you want me to be your maid we have to redefine all aspects of our relationship because you have to pay a maid and you don't get to have sex with her! I'm blunt like that, but I had this conversation with my FI about 1.5 years ago, and he helps with the house work all the time now. I think he just didn't realize everything I was doing for the house and how it was making me feel. I'm your girlfriend who you love, not your servant who does all your chores!

tenofcups4me · February 2010

Sometimes I feel like I'm enabling him because I'd rather just do it myself than ask 20 times.

If you end up doing it all, you actually are enabling him. I'm not saying this is "your fault," but you do need to get this sorted out and quickly because if this becomes the habit, it will likely stay that way and you'll be stuck doing everything forever.

I agree that the two of you need a real talk. I don't know how it works in your house, but in our house, if I need to discuss something serious with DH, I need to give him a head's up and we have to plan to have the conversation. He needs more time than me to process info like that and I can't hit him with big conversations out of the blue or they go nowhere.

I'd position it pretty simply -- "This is OUR house and OUR lives and WE need to figure out who's going to do what. Because I can't and won't take responsibility for every aspect of our lives."

Make a list ahead of time of the major things that need to get done on a regular basis. Dh and I don't do this because we kind of naturally fell into our roles, but I think the best approach would be to literally divide everything up -- he does x, you do y, you're both responsible for your own things and for making sure they get done at the right time. If he hates doing dishes, fine, then he can pay the bills instead. Or whatever the particulars end up being. But he doesn't get out of all responsibility simply because he doesn't like to do anything... cos you know, very few people actually like doing the dishes. But they have to get done.

SarahSmile23 · February 2010

When people nag me about stuff, it takes me longer to do it because I'm pissed off. Let him do his own laundry, and let him do it in his own time. I hate people telling me what to do with my laundry. I'll do it when I need clothes.

As for the rest of it, can you schedule a time in advance for both of you to work on certain areas together? The other thing that annoys the everloving crap out of me is when somebody decides that just because THEY want to clean right now that i need to get up and do it too. Nope. If we schedule it in advance and agree on a day and time together, that's one thing. But nobody gets to decide that I need to stop what I am doing to clean just because they want to clean at that moment.

I do almost all of the cooking, I clean the cat boxes, and I do my own laundry. I usually clean the bathrooms. Steve generally does the other stuff. He ends up doing more housework than I do, but he is also more anal about it than I am. He has also learned that if I want the floor of my closet to be covered with clothes, he can shut the door if it bothers him. I made it clear that I don't like to be controlled and that it doesn't really affect him if my closet floor is messy. And you know what, it works. lol. On the flip side, I try to help keep the common areas clean and uncluttered so that if we have surprise guests we aren't embarrassed. But I don't clean daily and no amount of nagging in the world could convince me to do so.

ETA: Oh yeah, I also don't consider making the bed daily to be a necessary chore. We don't make ours. If he liked it made daily, he could do it and if i preferred it made I could do it. But I don't think either of us would expect the other one to help with that since it's not really important.

SarahSmile23 · February 2010

PS. this isn't the first time you have mentioned this so I assume he is very aware this is a problem. it makes me sad that he has not come up with solutions to resolve this.

polichik · February 2010

I know I'm super, super late on this, but on the off chance that you see it, could you try explaining to him what it means to you instead of talking about the tasks? It sounds like you're not just annoyed that you're the one doing the work, but that you feel like his mother and not his wife. No guy (well, at least without an unresolved Oedipus complex) wants his wife to feel that way.

Could you say something like, "When you decide not to help me clean up, it makes me feel resentful because I feel more like your mother than your wife. I want us to have an equal relationship, and it's really important to me that we work as a team to take care of the house. What do you feel like you can to do become an equal contributor?"

FI would never put the seat down, and it pissed me off to no end. I'd nag at him, he wouldn't do it, and I'd get mad. One day I said, "When you put the seat down, it shows me that you're thinking of me and my comfort, and it makes me feel good about you." Seat's been down ever since.

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