kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant

squeakyduck · December 2010

My friend kicked me out of her wedding because I couldn't afford to buy a $200 bridesmaid's dress. (She did not ask my budget first, BTW)

And now she's trying to be all friendly again. I don't even know what to say to her.

She asked if I would come with her to pick up her dress.

She told me about the girl who's replacing me and then said I was still invited.

She attempted an apology, but since she told me that I was wrong while apologizing, I don't actually feel better.

And did I mention that she's already eloped and now she wants to have the big to-do with a dress and everything?

I would love to see her post here, because somehow, she's made me out to be the bad guy to all of her friends. (apparently I'm selfish and ruining her vision.)

I would also love to see you guys flaming her. Which makes me feel mean, but I'm still hurting. We've been friends since we were 12 and it really sucked having her be such an inconsiderate bitch and feel like it's acceptable because "it's her day".

Beachy730 · December 2010

Wow what a shitty friend. I'm sorry that sucks. I definitely wouldn't be doing anything wedding related with her, and I would be seriously reconsidering my friendship with her if a dress was more important than me.

shortee426 · December 2010

What a great friend. Such a peach. I'm so sorry she's doing this to you. I hope you decided against going with her to pick up her dress.

I agree with LTB that it is sometimes better to end the friendship. Do you think you might do that? Are you considering going to the wedding still? I personally would be torn on those questions.

:hugs:

annakb8 · December 2010

I'm sorry your friend is being horrible. I'm sure all of the people she is talking to about you are smart enough to see she is the one that is in the wrong. Maybe you will get lucky and one of them will tell her what a bitch she is to her face! That might have even more impact than sending her here.

Robyn5298 · December 2010

That's just awful! What a terrible friend, I don't blame you for not wanting anything to do with her.

I think you should still ask her to be a bridesmaid, make her buy an ugly dress, then kick her out for some made up reason.

(Of course I don't really think you should do that... but revenge fantasies are fun, right?)

squirrly · December 2010

Oh, perhaps you should tell her it's a requirement for all of your potential BMs to post on the etiquette board as a test. You just have to let us know who she is first. . .

shortee426 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:d1e1a624-1b4b-4d7d-8f55-2c6c0466c197">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]If you aren't good at being mean maybe you can just write her an email explaining how you feel. Tell her how hurt you are that she values a dress and the "look" of her wedding over your friendship, and that you are so easily replaced in her life.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>That was going to be my suggestion as well. I am terrible at being mean also. I almost always choose to communicate via email when it comes to expressing feelings.</div>

brilibby4 · December 2010

I'm sorry! To be honest, I probably would not continue my friendship with that person. She doesn't sound very nice.

squeakyduck · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:fb3a1aec-314e-4bf1-8353-09428e66803e">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant : I take it you haven't asked her yet?
Posted by DodgersBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Well yeah, I actually had, but then she unfriended me on fb. and didn't talk to me for a month. (read, until she needed me for something again.) I took that to mean she wouldn't be coming to my wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>Oh no, do I have to keep her??? </div><div>
</div><div>I really don't want to...</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

sb9411 · December 2010

And I say "no"- I don't care if you already asked her. She screwed the friendship. As far as I would be concerned... she would be done and out. She has to be an idiot to not assume that she would not be in your wedding. If you aren't good at being mean... pull the slow fade. Stop talking to her, answering her calls.... etc, etc.

squeakyduck · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:7086c6a5-7974-4128-a6ee-eb13563c4ad7">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]"Oh hey, yeah, you know what you should do. Go on theknot.com and head over to the Etiquette board. They give awesome advice for people having their at home wedding after eloping! You need to tell them in detail about it." Do it.
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

<div>It's so tempting. I might wait a while for that though. She claims she's not planning anymore until feb. </div><div>
</div><div>I've got time; her fake wedding's not until 2012. </div><div>
</div><div>Also, she'd recognize my picture. and sn. I'd have to go incognito for a while. </div><div>
</div>

annakb8 · December 2010

She already asked you to buy a $200 dress for her fake wedding in 2012!?!?

This girl just keeps getting worse and worse.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:5090b084-a165-4225-8a81-fdfbfe870f01">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant : Well yeah, I actually had, but then she unfriended me on fb. and didn't talk to me for a month. (read, until she needed me for something again.) I took that to mean she wouldn't be coming to my wedding. Oh no, do I have to keep her??? I really don't want to...
Posted by rentaduckie[/QUOTE]

<div>Nope. Ending the friendship ends her role in your wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>I agree with PP about sending her an email or a letter explaining how hurt you are, and ending the friendship. If she responds, I'd trash it. </div>

jemmini6 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:ca45faaa-0abc-48e3-a8c8-8223adce33da">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh I'm not going. I have no plans to even invite her as a guest to my wedding. <strong>She was supposed to be a bridesmaid in mine, but that will also not be happening. </strong> She's just not getting the hint that I am still mad. And that I don't want to be friends anymore. And I am terrible at being mean. This is not working out the way I wanted it too.
Posted by rentaduckie[/QUOTE]

I would tell her she's a bridesmaid, pick out a $300 dress, make her buy it and THEN kick her out. But then again I can be a bitch sometimes when people piss me off.

shortee426 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:7dc3e553-11c2-4cf1-b35a-782d92af2db5">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant : I would tell her she's a bridesmaid, pick out a $300 dress, make her buy it and THEN kick her out. But then again I can be a bitch sometimes when people piss me off.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

<div>Make sure the dress is atrocious. Also make her buy the required footwear, which she would of course never wear otherwise.</div>

smokeybailey · December 2010

These are interesting responses. Whenever someone posts here about what BM's are supposed to do, eveyone always says, they just buy the dress and show up! If a BM doesn't buy the dress then they have self-selected themselves out of the party. DIdn't OP do that by refusing to buy the dress?

Also, if she was SO important to you, you didn't think you could save up $200 over the next 12 months to buy the dress given the wedding is in 2012? At $20 a month, you could have done that in 10 months.

Anyway, just wondering why the sympathetic ear in this case but in other cases if the BM doesn't buy the dress, the BM gets the flak, not the bride.

Just curious.

cherbein · December 2010

This girl is mean and psycho... She screwed the friendship and all over a $200 dollar dress? This girl has some serious priority issues and a blatant lack of class, tact, and well probably many other good qualities...

Cut your losses and run!

squeakyduck · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:d043f423-b7e5-4bc5-8fcc-ae665090cbcc">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]These are interesting responses. Whenever someone posts here about what BM's are supposed to do, eveyone always says, they just buy the dress and show up! If a BM doesn't buy the dress then they have self-selected themselves out of the party. DIdn't OP do that by refusing to buy the dress? Also, if she was SO important to you, you didn't think you could save up $200 over the next 12 months to buy the dress given the wedding is in 2012? At $20 a month, you could have done that in 10 months. Anyway, just wondering why the sympathetic ear in this case but in other cases if the BM doesn't buy the dress, the BM gets the flak, not the bride. Just curious.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

<div>The problem is that it is also a destination wedding. And I'm getting married myself in 6 months. She never asked my budget, and let's just say it does not include $200 for a dress that isn't re-wearable. </div><div>I'm a student. I already save 10% percent of every paycheck for my own wedding/life after wedding. </div><div>
</div><div>And if she hadn't called me selfish and said I was ruining her wedding when I told that my feelings were hurt that she would just replace me since I couldn't afford the dress, I might feel differently. </div><div>
</div><div>It's not even about the money anymore; it's about how she treated me over a freaking dress. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm just so thankful it all went down before my wedding and I won't have to see her in my wedding photos forever. (and I'm a photographer- I frame things- I will actually look at my pictures later.) </div>

Loopyseven · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:d043f423-b7e5-4bc5-8fcc-ae665090cbcc">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]These are interesting responses. Whenever someone posts here about what BM's are supposed to do, eveyone always says, they just buy the dress and show up! If a BM doesn't buy the dress then they have self-selected themselves out of the party. DIdn't OP do that by refusing to buy the dress? Also, if she was SO important to you, you didn't think you could save up $200 over the next 12 months to buy the dress given the wedding is in 2012? At $20 a month, you could have done that in 10 months. Anyway, just wondering why the sympathetic ear in this case but in other cases if the BM doesn't buy the dress, the BM gets the flak, not the bride. Just curious.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

<div>I wondered this too.</div>

MsLaura31 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:d043f423-b7e5-4bc5-8fcc-ae665090cbcc">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]These are interesting responses. Whenever someone posts here about what BM's are supposed to do, eveyone always says, they just buy the dress and show up! If a BM doesn't buy the dress then they have self-selected themselves out of the party. DIdn't OP do that by refusing to buy the dress? Also, if she was SO important to you, you didn't think you could save up $200 over the next 12 months to buy the dress given the wedding is in 2012? At $20 a month, you could have done that in 10 months. Anyway, just wondering why the sympathetic ear in this case but in other cases if the BM doesn't buy the dress, the BM gets the flak, not the bride. Just curious.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

You're confused. It's always buy the dress that the BM has agreed to buy. OP never agreed to buying the dress in the first place. Any respectful bride would either 1) offer to help pay for the dress, or 2) pick a more affordable dress.

Also, OP is getting married, as well. I think it's reasonable that she's saving money for her own wedding. Even if that's not the case, OP told the bride that she wasn't comfortable paying $200, and the bride can't dictate OP's finances.

shortee426 · December 2010

I don't think it's just that duckie was kicked out for not being able to afford the dress. It's also that the girl spoke to duckie about her replacement, asked duckie to go pick up her dress with, is talking negatively about duckie to everyone else, told duckie she was wrong while "apologizing," and is acting like she did nothing wrong.

FWIW, My BM dresses are going to cost slightly more than we all anticipated. I let every single girl know that I would help her with the cost if necessary. It will be a struggle for me as we are at the top of our budget, but it means a lot to me that they all be in it. Did duckie's friend even considering helping her out? My guess is no, based upon everything else that was said about her.

EDIT: Smokey, generally I would agree with what you posted. But to me this situation is different than the usual "BM won't by the $3000 dress I want her to buy, I'm kicking her out!!!" thread that tends to show up here.

squeakyduck · December 2010

If she had asked me my budget before springing a $200 dress on me, and I just thought it was a fugly dress and then didn't order it, I would be in the wrong.

But I explained to her that I couldn't afford it. And she said to let her know ASAP so that she could replace me.

When I told her I was hurt by that, she got all pissy and started calling me names and saying that I was ruining her perfect wedding "vision". Apparently you can't buy pretty dresses for less than $200. And she decided that really expensive dresses was more important than her friend.

smokeybailey · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:7644415b-18c1-48e4-bbdb-7be12173a122">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant : You're confused. It's always buy the dress that the BM has agreed to buy. OP never agreed to buying the dress in the first place. Any respectful bride would either 1) offer to help pay for the dress, or 2) pick a more affordable dress. Also, OP is getting married, as well. I think it's reasonable that she's saving money for her own wedding. Even if that's not the case, OP told the bride that she wasn't comfortable paying $200, and the bride can't dictate OP's finances.
Posted by MsLaura31[/QUOTE]

1) I'm not confused but thanks for suggesting.
2) $200 is not an extremely unaffordable dress. It's just not. Sorry if that sounds bad.
3) Bride cannot dictate finances BUT she CAN pick a dress for the BMs and OP can say, hey, I know I have over 12 months to save up $200 but I just can't save the $16.66 per month to buy it. And the bride can say, okay, well, I am going to ask someone else (which is shitty but that's not the point) AND the bride can also be hurt that you would rather not participate than put aside $4/week.

I am not saying that the bride in this case was anything less than a bitch but I am saying that I am surprised that everyone is going a different direction than usual.

Beachy730 · December 2010

I was under the assumption that the bride never asked the OP what she could afford to spend for a dress. If she agreed on the price and then decided she just wasn't going to buy it, then yes I think that's taking yourself out of the wedding.

So to me the difference is that the OP wasn't asked a budget, and was just easily dropped out and replaced. I have paid over $200 for dresses before because I was just so excited to be a BM, but I was never asked for a budget and at the time didn't care. Now I would definitely not want to spend more than $150 on a BM dress, and would have to really like it to want to spend more. Especially if I am chipping in a lot for other things for the wedding.

So I definitely understand what you're saying Smokes, I just don't think it's the same as refusing to buy a dress that you agreed on.

wrdgirl · December 2010

There is always one side to a story. Regardless of which side the story came from the results will always be same - someone will agree or disagree.

I have also seen some posts on TK in general that exhibit the same type of behavior that OP's friend bride was behaving and I have seen both sides of the arguments in that situation too.

So what Smoky is getting isn't entirely false.

But based on what OP is saying maybe the bride is being a jerk but who knows...especially on this particular board jumping the gun is the norm so...

squirrly · December 2010

If the bride had said, "I'm really sorry, that's the dress everybody decided to go with. Maybe we can see if another shop has it for less?" let that play out, and eventually just said, "duckie, it's NBD, I understand - wedding planning is tough! the wedding will be fun as a guest, though" and left it at that, and the OP had whined about it, then my feelings on it would be different.

But, the bride wasn't gracious, she replaced the OP and defriended her on FB. AND this is for a PPD, not a wedding. Overall, the bride's immaturity speaks loud and clear through her actions, and I can understand why the OP is peeved. That said, I'd probably still invite the girl to my own wedding, and I might still have her in the WP. I wouldn't let this incident entirely define my friendship with her. But, I suspect it would be the beginning of the end unless she's like this ONLY while planning weddings.

Beachy730 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:adcf24b0-7157-40b6-bc0d-c1f33674401e">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]There is always one side to a story. Regardless of which side the story came from the results will always be same - someone will agree or disagree. I have also seen some posts on TK in general that exhibit the same type of behavior that OP's friend bride was behaving and I have seen both sides of the arguments in that situation too. So what Smoky is getting isn't entirely false. But based on what OP is saying maybe the bride is being a jerk but who knows...especially on this particular board jumping the gun is the norm so...
Posted by wrdgirl[/QUOTE]

That's the second time today I've seen you knock this board. So again I ask you, why are you here?

squeakyduck · December 2010

Smokey- You have a point with number 3. And I would have gladly saved up for it if she hadn't been so mean right off the bat.

But keep in mind that in addition to a $200 dress, let's estimate $200 for round-trip plane tickets for both me and FI, Plus a hotel for at least two nights. I'm guessing that's another $200. So we're up to $800- not including any sort of car rental or transportation.

And when is $200 a reasonable amount to spend on a dress you'd wear once? (exempting a wedding dress) My whole wedding dress was $400. My BM dresses are $80 and I find that a little expensive. I asked them all a thousand times if they were sure that was ok, and then they each chose their own dress.

But like I told her, it wasn't about the money. It was about how she treated me over it.

squeakyduck · December 2010

Ah! That's a great description. She has always been a major AW.

Yes, she is already married. I was actually their witness and photographer.

GeauxTigers17 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_kicked-out-bridesmaid-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed3faadc-185e-4128-8b4d-ce77e6f6f6fbPost:bc1cd394-8d0d-4f1c-a5b2-fff0ea04dc06">Re: kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Ah! That's a great description. She has always been a major AW. Yes, she is already married. I was actually their witness and photographer.
Posted by rentaduckie[/QUOTE]

<div>WOW. I can't believe you two were that close and she did this to you. And I'm also stunned that she didn't at least attempt to work with you on the dress. It sounds like you have done a lot for her. I'm really sorry :(</div>

saisongbird · December 2010

I would just tell her - and since she's already stooped so low as to kick you out, I'd just facebook message her and say "Hey, since I'm out of yours, you're out of mine. And don't bother to talk to me again - I have no desire to be a friend to someone who values a dress over my friendship. Enjoy the fake wedding." And unfriend her again.

But I'm spiteful like that...or maybe I'd call her and say it since I wouldn't want that in writing...

kicked out as a bridesmaid-rant

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