NWR: Funeral Etiquette

SB1512 · January 2013

FI's grandmother passed away over the weekend, after a long battle and a lot of suffering. The funeral is being held tomorrow, and will include a Mass of Christian Burial. I am not religious. It is inappropriate for me to not be praying during those sections of the Mass? Normally I wouldn't ask what to do, but since I will be sitting surrounded by FI's family (all of whom are very religious, except FI), I don't want them to see me as rude (I am not 100% certain that they actually know that I hold no religious beliefs). I would think it might actually be more rude/disrespectful to partake and pretend, but I just wanted to double check

unchatenfrance · January 2013

What Christian denomination is it?

cwaggoner07 · January 2013

I don't think it's disrespectful to bow your head silently. You're still showing respect and reverence, and no one has to know what is going through your head except you.

Wait, maybe I'm not understanding the 'Mass' part of this... are these spoken prayers or bowing your head while someone else prays?

SB1512 · January 2013

Well I'm pretty sure there is a full mass along with the funeral. So, I guess the portions where poeple are not sitting but kneeling on those things to pray (I have no idea what these are called). Is it weird/rude if I do not go from sitting in the pew to the kneeling position for prayer. As far as denomination......umm catholic?

unchatenfrance · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-funeral-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5d111ca-426f-4763-bcf4-96b6b5480f78Post:38a481dd-eb01-4ef7-a8ed-c82c860ba51d">Re: NWR: Funeral Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I'm pretty sure there is a full mass along with the funeral. So, I guess the portions where poeple are not sitting but kneeling on those things to pray (I have no idea what these are called). Is it weird/rude if I do not go from sitting in the pew to the kneeling position for prayer. As far as denomination......umm catholic?
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

<div>Honestly, I would ask. If you're not baptized Catholic, then the church might consider it sacreligious for you to partake in certain things (genuflexion, crossing yourself, taking communion, praying with the rosary), never mind your own personal views.</div>

daubachsgirl23 · January 2013

When my grandfather passed away, we had a Catholic mass. Most of the grandchildren just bowed our heads in respect, because we aren't Catholic or religious at all. I don't think anyone noticed, but to me, it would be more disrespectful to the deceased to "fake pray."

Also, if the mass is being held in a church with pews, you may notice a lot of people don't actually get on their knees to pray (especially the elderly or people with knee or back problems). I don't think you'd stick out much.

daubachsgirl23 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-funeral-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5d111ca-426f-4763-bcf4-96b6b5480f78Post:7e235850-1d13-458a-936c-8674d445b847">Re: NWR: Funeral Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: NWR: Funeral Etiquette : Honestly, I would ask. If you're not baptized Catholic, then <strong>the church might consider it sacreligious for you to partake in certain things</strong>, never mind your own personal views.
Posted by unchatenfrance[/QUOTE]

This is a good point. The mass will likely offer communion and wine, and you would want to stay away from that ritual. I'd imagine that, by saying you weren't baptized Catholic, that would be enough explanation if anyone asked.

SB1512 · January 2013

Ok thank. I am not baptized and have never been to church except for a couple weddings, funerals (but not since I was younger), and baptisms. Thanks everyone.

tlc35 · January 2013

As a non catholic, when I have been to Catholic mass weddings we would stand with everyone and then sit for both the kneeling and sitting parts. There were lots of people who did that. I would do the same for the funeral.

JaxInBlue · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-funeral-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5d111ca-426f-4763-bcf4-96b6b5480f78Post:38a481dd-eb01-4ef7-a8ed-c82c860ba51d">Re: NWR: Funeral Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I'm pretty sure there is a full mass along with the funeral. So, I guess the portions where poeple are not sitting but kneeling on those things to pray (I have no idea what these are called). Is it weird/rude if I do not go from sitting in the pew to the kneeling position for prayer. As far as denomination......umm catholic?
Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

It will be easy enough to not participate in the verbal prayers and responses, and if FI's family know you aren't Catholic or don't practice, it's understandable that you wouldn't know the response pattern. As far as kneeling (actually, kneeling on a kneeler), I think it's a matter of what you are comfortable doing. You can sit instead of kneeling and instead of participating in Holy Communion - which you don't need to (and shouldn't) participate in.

Some portions of prayer are done standing. Again, it would be up to you to stand if you are comfortable, but if you want to err o the side of being respectful of your FI's family, I think it's more respectful to stand quietly.

I'd get a program or a hymnal when you enter the church. It will make it easier for you to follow along and anticipate when people will be standing or kneeling.

krizzo17 · January 2013

Coming from a mixed-faith family myself, there have been several weddings/funerals held as Catholic Masses where many non-Catholics were in attendence. It is completely appropriate for you to remain seated while others kneel. However, please scoot forward a little on your seat at this point - otherwise the person kneeling directly behind you ends up with their face 2cm from your back

Sometimes, if you pick up the prayer books right above the kneelers, there is a section in the back about the mass directed at non-catholics, explaining what is going on and what you should do.

thejucheidea · January 2013

My fiance and I are both Buddhist, so when we went to the Christian funerals of his grandmother and aunt, we just bowed our heads silently.

sarahroslansky · January 2013

If there is a mass, do not go up for communion unless the priest mentions that people who do not recieve the sacrament can go up and cross their arms indicating they would like a blessing instead of receiving communion (then, obviously remember to cross your arms). The rest is pretty intuitive. When there are responses that you don't know, stay silent (no one will be offended by this). When in doubt, do nothing. You can kneel during the sections of the mass when most people kneel if you want but you don't have to. Honestly, at a funeral, it's a little unlikely that people will be scrutinizing your behavior. You're doing your best to pay your respects and be there for your FI and his family and I'm sure they will be really grateful that you're there.

lyndausvi · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-funeral-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5d111ca-426f-4763-bcf4-96b6b5480f78Post:e41345bc-6384-4940-8227-e496cc0ae0d3">Re: NWR: Funeral Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Coming from a mixed-faith family myself, there have been several weddings/funerals held as Catholic Masses where many non-Catholics were in attendence. It is completely appropriate for you to remain seated while others kneel. <strong>However, please scoot forward a little on your seat at this point - otherwise the person kneeling directly behind you ends up with their face 2cm from your back :)</strong> Sometimes, if you pick up the prayer books right above the kneelers, there is a section in the back about the mass directed at non-catholics, explaining what is going on and what you should do.
Posted by krizzo17[/QUOTE]

I was going to suggest the same thing. I've attended mass with non-Catholics before. A lot of them kneel because can be more comfortable than trying to sit and the person behind you's arms are sticking far out. They tend to do this sit kneel thing.

As far as the prayers, no one would expect you to say those. I would just follow the sit, stand, kneel thing if possible.

MrsMack10612 · January 2013

I recently went to H's grandmother's Catholic funeral (I'm not Catholic). I just sat quietly and bowed my head when appropriate. I did not kneel and no one said anything. There were others as well who did not partake in the actualy prayers and services.

You'll be fine. Just be respectful and quiet. If anyone asks, just say you are not Catholic. They shouldn't question you further on your religious beliefs.

Tami87 · January 2013

Previous posters pretty much covered it, but I wanted to add my perspective as a Catholic. Priests and people in general expect there to be many nonCatholics in attendenace at funeral and wedding masses. I doubt you will stand out. Since within the last year or so the wording to many of the responses have changed most churchs now have a card in the pews with the order of the mass and the new responses so that you can follow along if you wish. It is also completely fine to remain respectfully silent if you don't feel comfortable saying the responses or praying. I would say participate as much or as little as you feel comfortable doing. As previous posters mentioned you can sit during the kneeling parts. Also only Catholics in good standing ie no mortal sins since their last confession should be receiving communion. So it is normal, even at Sunday mass to see some people not go up for communion, so you can just stay in your seat. I am sure his family will appreciate that you attended and not be analyzing how much you participated in the mass.

heroeswearbrown · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nwr-funeral-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e5d111ca-426f-4763-bcf4-96b6b5480f78Post:ae078207-ac28-476d-85cb-8ce032b8e452">Re: NWR: Funeral Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>If there is a mass, do not go up for communion unless the priest mentions that people who do not recieve the sacrament can go up and cross their arms indicating they would like a blessing instead of receiving communion (then, obviously remember to cross your arms)</strong>. The rest is pretty intuitive. When there are responses that you don't know, stay silent (no one will be offended by this). When in doubt, do nothing. You can kneel during the sections of the mass when most people kneel if you want but you don't have to. Honestly, at a funeral, it's a little unlikely that people will be scrutinizing your behavior. You're doing your best to pay your respects and be there for your FI and his family and I'm sure they will be really grateful that you're there.
Posted by sarahroslansky[/QUOTE]

Not sure if this is regional. I'm Catholic and every mass I've ever been to, there has been no need for specific instruction on this part. Whether the priest says it or not, it's okay to go forward at communion to recieve a blessing by simply crossing your arms over your chest.

I would be prepared for your FI's family to notice you aren't participating, but like PPs have said, I think they will just be grateful for your respectful presence. In my experience, (DH and I are like you and your FI in reverse) the religious family may try to change you, but as long as they don't see you as trying to change their child, it doesn't cause too much of a stir. Being there for your FI, non-complaining and respectful goes a long way.

OliveOilsMom · January 2013

Ditto about scooting forward during the kneeling part of the Mass. It makes it a lot easier for anyone kneeling behind you.

Also, if this is a Catholic Mass, there will be a part about offering a sign of peace. You will just be shaking hands/hugging (since you'll be surrounded by family) offering peace. This will be after the Our Father prayer. I recently attended a funeral Mass and sat next to my friend's non-Catholic bf, I think he had not seen this before and didn't really know what to do.

SB1512 · January 2013

Thanks. I agree that they will probably not be scrutinizing my behavior.

NWR: Funeral Etiquette

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