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(NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

Etiquette

(NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

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This is a really terrible situation that I feel embarrassed to even be associated with. Background Info: FI's mom is BSC. She is the kind of person who refuses to take responsibility for her own life

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Etiquette

(NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

No one wants to deal with the etiquette police so let these Knotties help you avoid them. Post your questions for modern advice on etiquette and planning.

This is a really terrible situation that I feel embarrassed to even be associated with. Background Info: FI's mom is BSC. She is the kind of person who refuses to take responsibility for her own life

Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9

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Forums > Wedding Boards > Etiquette > (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

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(NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:46 PM EST on theknot.com

goobersinlove

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This is a really terrible situation that I feel embarrassed to even be associated with.

Background Info: FI's mom is BSC. She is the kind of person who refuses to take responsibility for her own life - it's everyone else's fault that she can't get ahead, be happy, etc. She also thinks that, now that her two boys are grown, they literally "owe" her for the 18 years she spent raising them. As you might expect, she is also very emotionally and financially unstable and there is always a crisis that she wants FI to deal with for her [[examples: "Go talk to my landlord for me b/c he's threatening to evict me" or "This guy I'm talking to (who is married) has rejected me and I'm really hurt - go beat him up" or "I need money because XYZ."]]. She will create weird reasons to be mad at FI or I. She has also completely alienated all of her family and FI's deceased father's family, and has fabricated all kinds of reasons why they are not good people and she is the only sane one.

Needless to say, I dislike her very much and gave up on wanting a relationship with her. I'm civil to her and tolerate her when I have to be around her, but that's it - FI and I are living our own life now. FI does know and admit that his mom is a complete mental case.

Last night, she texts FI at 10pm because her car broke and she doesn't have a way to get to work. We go up there and FI gives her one of our cars to use and he is going to buy the parts and fix her car this evening (FI is a mechanic). I did not go into the other room in her house last night where her dogs were, but when we both got back in the car to go home, he expressed how MAD he was at her for the condition that her dogs were in, specifically the 14 year old golden retriever.

If you're skimming, don't skip this paragraph. This is where it gets sad and disgusting. According to FI, she keeps this poor dog chained up in the house, it's nails are so long that they are curled all the way around under her feet and she can't walk, and she is super skinny... like one of those sad ASPCA commerials. The other to dogs are kept locked in little cages in the room. So on the way home while I am driving, he is texting his mom furiously asking WTF!!! She gave him a bunch of BS excuses like "I can't clip her nails because I don't have a nail clipper and can't afford to take her to a groomer" and "I don't know why she's so skinny, she eats all the time!" and "I keep her chained up so I only have to clean her hair in one room."

I have never had so much rage and hate for a person than I do for FI's mom right now. Obviously I never liked her before, but now I don't think I can ever be in the same room with her ever again. I'm shaking with anger even as I type this.

FI and I were both very upset about this last night, and we didn't discuss in detail what we should do about this because we were so mad. What I would like to do is either A) call the local authorities to report it and they will come pick the dogs up and she gets arrested or B) go get the dogs ourselves and take them to the local animal shelter. Taking them ourselves is not a possible option because we live in a 600sf apartment - we are not allowed to have pets, and we aren't home often enough anyway.

I want to try to talk FI into Option B - taking the dogs to a shelter where they can find a better home, but (even though FI has expressed his gross disapproval of her maltreatment of these dogs) I am anticipating that he will resist this because it would "upset" his mom and cause a major blowup.

Even though he knows his mom is nuts, he still does his best to tip toe around her and take the path of least resistance in order to sort of make everyone's life easier I guess. He stands up for me and himself when necessary so she rarely interferes with our life, but I still think he could be a little more assertive with her than he is. I feel bad watching him try to walk a line of being a compassionate son and at the same time not becoming a victim of his mom's crazy train.

While this conversation has not happened yet, I'm worried it that he will ultimately end up not wanting to make this tough call in order to avoid the blowout. And if he doesn't jump onboard with this plan, I don't know what I am supposed to do. I guess I could "anonymously" call the authorities, but then when they are in the picture taking the dogs and charging her, I believe that FI is smart enough to figure out that it was me who made the anonymous call and I could see him getting mad at me for that.

CLIFF NOTES: FI's mom is mistreating her 3 dogs and I want to get FI on my team about taking them from her possession and putting them in an animal shelter.

HELP ME! Give me some wise words or ideas that I simply cannot see now in my state of anger towards this person!

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:54 PM EST on theknot.com

dumdumfroggie

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You don't need to get your FI on board. Contact your local police department to find out the procedures on reporting animal cruelty.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:55 PM EST on theknot.com

MyUserName1

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unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be an easy solution to this issue.

Before you do anything about her, you and your FI need to get on the same page. He needs to see that something needs to be done. I would hope he won't get angry with you for doing the right thing. I think it's long past time for him to stop taking the passive route with her. Ask him if the suffering of these dogs doesn't outweigh his mom's anger. Won't he feel guilty leaving these dogs to suffer just to avoid her wrath?

Are there any no-kill animal shelters nearby? I'd want the dogs sent there instead of somewhere where they'll be euthanized right away.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:55 PM EST on theknot.com

chelseamb11

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So your FI doesn't agree that these animals need help? Wtf.

I don't know much about who to call, but I know there's someone you can call about animals being mistreated and they can literally be ordered out of her house and there's nothing she can do about it. Even if your FI doesn't back you up, you should still call them.

Sheddin' for the Weddin' (Updated 5/24)

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:55 PM EST on theknot.com

B&K10+13+12

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I would call your local animal control and report the abuse.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:57 PM EST on theknot.com

ceh789

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Thank you for sticking up for these dogs, but I am so sorry that you have to deal with this disaster.

There's really no way to avoid the conversation with FI about it. I would actually recommend option A since she will likely be forbidden to own animals - if you take them away she'll probably go out and get more and then you'll be right back where you are.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:57 PM EST on theknot.com

OliveOilsMom

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I would make a call to SPCA and to social services. I would explain to FI that he knows his mom needs help and this could be the way for her to finally get the help she needs. I would not just pick up and take the dogs to a shelter. They will want information as to where you got the dogs and it could still lead back to your FMIL or worse, you two.

Its one thing when a person won't see that they themselves need help, but when they are dragging down innocent children or pets, you need to step in somehow.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:57 PM EST on theknot.com

baystateapple

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I think this may need to be something that you need to take out of your FI's hands and into your own. I realize that you want to get him on board with you, and that it's important, but there are other factors at work here that might make it impossible.

1) The dogs are being abused and need help now. They can't sit around and wait for your FI to summon up the courage to confront his mom. That's because:

2) Your FI obviously has suffered a lot of abuse. It may be not be physical, it may be verbal and emotional, but sometimes that can be the most painful kind, and it's not easy to just break out of that cycle of tiptoeing around his horrible mother and trying to placate her in order to save his own butt. It may take him years to get to the point where he can confront her and be comfortable with it. And these dogs need help now.

I would suggest telling your FI you're going to do it, let him know in advance, and then do it. Call the authorities, let them know what's going on, and tell his mom if she gets pissed about it that it was you and that you felt you did what you needed to do. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but please don't hold off calling the authorities waiting for your FI to get on board. Do what you feel you need to do NOW before it's too late.

Books read in 2012: 18/50

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:57 PM EST on theknot.com

soontobemrsep

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Oh my gosh.
I love animals more than I do most people, and to hear stories like this breaks my heart.
If I were in your situation I would sit FI down today and say something along the lines of, "FI, I love you and I love how much you care about your mother and her well-being even when she's not treating us right. But, after last night and you having to see these innocent dogs living in such horrible conditions, I feel we really need to take this matter into our own hands and either remove the dogs from her home ourselves or contact local authorities and give them an annonymous tip." He probably won't go for the second option since that'd potentially get his mom into legal trouble, but IMO you need to convey to him how disturbing this is for you and you won't stand by doing nothing.
Poor defenseless animals. :(

ETA: I'm too slow at responding.
I agree with PP you can't wait for him to get on board with this. But if you at least have a conversation with him before you contact authorities then he won't feel like you went behind his back.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:58 PM EST on theknot.com

MyUserName1

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Also, is she the sort of BSC where adult protective services should be called too? What state is her house in? It seems like there may be additional issues beyond those poor pups

ETA: And yeah, take matters into your own hands if he doesn't get on the same page as you like, today.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 12:58 PM EST on theknot.com

specialk84

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I was in a similar situation, and I have called animal control on BIL four times. I'm quite certain H knows it's me, but he hasn't said anything. If he did challenge me on it, I'd have words with him, since the pain and suffering of a dog far outweighs his brother's precious feelings.

I have a similar hatred of my MIL, but instead of abusing animals, she abused her kids. It has been made very clear to her that she and I will never be friends and will never have a relationship.

For family gatherings, my doctor prescribed Xanax. I'm also in a mindfulness-based stress reduction group to help quiet the urge to run her over.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm so sorry about the dogs.

"We all have our talents. Some of us give good blow jobs, some have the ability to make every single situation revolve around themselves. " --Rupert

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:00 PM EST on theknot.com

angryangry

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Horrible things happen when good people look the other way. You need to report this animal abuse whether FI agrees to help or not. If he thinks there's a way to avoid this problem, he's in pretty serious denial.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:01 PM EST on theknot.com

achiduck

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I would just call the local police or any other animal cruelty agency. What she's doing is NOT ok.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:02 PM EST on theknot.com

specialk84

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FTR, I think you should definitely call the authorities, rather than "liberating" the dogs yourselves. In my mind, there's no question of what would be more effective.

If you take them yourself, the shelter will ask you a bunch of questions, and she may be able to claim you stole them. Plus, if you contact the authorities, the complaint can remain anonymous. She can think you called all she wants, but she'll have no proof.

The authorities will also be able to order her to surrender the animals, ban her from owning another animal and will circulate her information to local shelters so she will be prohibited from even trying to obtain another one. They can also throw her ass in jail.

"We all have our talents. Some of us give good blow jobs, some have the ability to make every single situation revolve around themselves. " --Rupert

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:03 PM EST on theknot.com

goobersinlove

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In Response to Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL:

Oh my gosh. I love animals more than I do most people, and to hear stories like this breaks my heart. If I were in your situation I would sit FI down today and say something along the lines of, "FI, I love you and I love how much you care about your mother and her well-being even when she's not treating us right. But, after last night and you having to see these innocent dogs living in such horrible conditions, I feel we really need to take this matter into our own hands and either remove the dogs from her home ourselves or contact local authorities and give them an annonymous tip." He probably won't go for the second option since that'd potentially get his mom into legal trouble, but IMO you need to convey to him how disturbing this is for you and you won't stand by doing nothing. Poor defenseless animals. :( ETA: I'm too slow at responding. I agree with PP you can't wait for him to get on board with this. But if you at least have a conversation with him before you contact authorities then he won't feel like you went behind his back.
Posted by soontobemrsep

I defnitely plan on conveying to him that I WILL NOT stand by and do nothing at this point, whether he is on the same page as me or not. I want to give him a chance to be on the same page as me, but if not I will move forward myself. You made a good point about telling him so as not to go behind his back - that would be the right thing to do.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:05 PM EST on theknot.com

goobersinlove

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In Response to Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL:

I'm also in a mindfulness-based stress reduction group to help quiet the urge to run her over.Posted by specialk84

I have a feeling that I will need to start doing this as well.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:05 PM EST on theknot.com

myname1234

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In Response to Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL:

Also, is she the sort of BSC where adult protective services should be called too? What state is her house in? It seems like there may be additional issues beyond those poor pups ETA: And yeah, take matters into your own hands if he doesn't get on the same page as you like, today.
Posted by MyUserName1

you have to take care of those puppies. your FI will get over being upset with you. He may quite likely be happy you did it without making him decide.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:05 PM EST on theknot.com

soontobemrsep

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In Response to Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL:

FTR, I think you should definitely call the authorities, rather than "liberating" the dogs yourselves. In my mind, there's no question of what would be more effective. If you take them yourself, the shelter will ask you a bunch of questions, and she may be able to claim you stole them. Didn't even think of that aspect... with her being BSC she probably would. Plus, if you contact the authorities, the complaint can remain anonymous. She can think you called all she wants, but she'll have no proof. The authorities will also be able to order her to surrender the animals, ban her from owning another animal and will circulate her information to local shelters so she will be prohibited from even trying to obtain another one. They can also throw her ass in jail.
Posted by specialk84

You've convinced me to change my original thoughts of trying to remove the dogs themselves.
This woman shouldn't be allowed to have any animals, and anything to prevent her from having animals in the future would satisfy me.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:16 PM EST on theknot.com

mbody

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I would give your FI a heads up that you'll be reporting it. Then do it. That way you aren't going behind his back. What she is doing is wrong and she shouldn't be allowed to have to the dogs now or any in the future.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:21 PM EST on theknot.com

msmerymac

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If possible, volunteer to be the one to call the authorities and take the fall for this if/when FMIL finds out who did it. That way she might take it easier on your FI and maintain some seblance of a relationship with him. But you'll have to be willing to completely ruin any relationship you would have with her.

I don't blame him for wanting to tiptoe around his mom. This is a really hard situation. But these dogs need help.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:21 PM EST on theknot.com

EaglesBride2012

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I feel sick, so I had to skim. One, call the authorities. Immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Two, I want to beat your MIL's ass for being a worthless piece of shiit. Animal abusers should rot in hell.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:26 PM EST on theknot.com

josephwedding

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In Response to Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL:

I think this may need to be something that you need to take out of your FI's hands and into your own. I realize that you want to get him on board with you, and that it's important, but there are other factors at work here that might make it impossible. 1) The dogs are being abused and need help now. They can't sit around and wait for your FI to summon up the courage to confront his mom. That's because: 2) Your FI obviously has suffered a lot of abuse. It may be not be physical, it may be verbal and emotional, but sometimes that can be the most painful kind, and it's not easy to just break out of that cycle of tiptoeing around his horrible mother and trying to placate her in order to save his own butt. It may take him years to get to the point where he can confront her and be comfortable with it. And these dogs need help now. I would suggest telling your FI you're going to do it, let him know in advance, and then do it. Call the authorities, let them know what's going on, and tell his mom if she gets pissed about it that it was you and that you felt you did what you needed to do. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but please don't hold off calling the authorities waiting for your FI to get on board. Do what you feel you need to do NOW before it's too late.
Posted by baystateapple

All this.. I'm so sorry for your situation & for FI's ordeal he's endured with his mom. But you're doing the right thing by those dogs. *hugs*

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:28 PM EST on theknot.com

calliopeia2013

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Ok, I have a couple of quick comments- one, which I think has already been pretty well established is don't take the dogs yourself- you could get in legal trouble for that, either because she accuses you of stealing them, or because you find yourself blamed for abusing the dog instead of her. Whereas if they find them in her house, they'll pretty much know it was her.

But also, the sort of BSC and animal abuse you're describing are really big red flags that adult protective services might need to be called. Neglecting the dogs like that sounds like it could be a symptom of mental illness, and a sign that maybe it's not the safest thing ever for to be living on her own- for her own health as well as the animals'. You may need to have a very serious conversation with your FI about this,

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:30 PM EST on theknot.com

raes19

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I definately would call your local humane society and report the situation. Don't take them yourself, if she finds out it was you she can press charges. If your FI was so pissed about the condition the dogs were in, he should be understanding if you have to call the authorities. Ask him how he would feel if he went over one day and the dogs had starved to death. Please don't let these poor animals suffer any longer.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:40 PM EST on theknot.com

mari0225

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I am super late, I agree with PPS who said you should contact the authorities now and not wait for FI to get his courage up to confront his mom, because by then it may be too late for these dogs.

I really applaud for you to sticking up for these animals. What an awful situation.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:40 PM EST on theknot.com

Bubbalub

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I agree with PPs: don't take the dogs yourself, let the proper authorities handle it. There need to be legal records of what she did to those dogs and if you take them yourselves you might not be able to get the abuse recorded properly, in addition to what everyone else said.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. But call the authorities ASAP. Don't wait. Tell your FI you are doing it and then just do it right away. Those poor dogs need help right now.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:41 PM EST on theknot.com

chumlee7478

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Just let your FI know what you're planning to do by calling, and call the local animal services department and report it. It's anonymous reporting (in most areas). FI has backed up the animal services responders on occasion, and from what he's said, it's usually not just a case of animal neglect, there's something else going on with the person/people involved. The response from animal control is generally a wake up call to their situation and that things need to be remedied.

Those poor dogs!!! I'm glad you are not just standing on the sidelines with this. Bad things happen when people don't speak up.

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:44 PM EST on theknot.com

raes19

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Also, I'm not sure where in Upstate NY you are, but there has been a ton of hoopla around here lately about a puppy mill that got approved. I'm sure I could wrangle up a few people to go teach her a lesson

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Re: (NWR) Need advice from E-Board ladies about horrible FMIL

posted at 2/10/2012 1:45 PM EST on theknot.com

cpm1223

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what is BSC?

back to the OP's question:

As PP said, you need to call animal control, now.

Hopefully they can find these dogs good homes, and prevent your FMIL from ever owning another animal in her life!