Tell me I don't have to invite this person

AEusername2012 · April 2012

Hi ladies,

This is an AE because I don't really want anyone knowing the situation.

We have already verbally invited a lady both me and my FI work. We both enjoy seeing her, but don't feel close enough to talk to her about personal stuff, kwim? She has recently started seeing a guy we both know. I know we have to invite SOs, but the thing with this one is that several years ago, he raped me. No one knows about this except my FI and a few very close friends. FI sees no reason that we need to invite him. I really don't want him there.

I also don't want to uninvite her because she has made comments that she is excited about it. Do I really need to invite her new SO though?

J&K10910 · April 2012

You don't have to invite him.

However, she's probably going to wonder why he's not invited.

adamar15 · April 2012

You do not have to invite him. I assume she doesn't know what he did?

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

Expect some blowback from her and from mutual friends who don't know about what you went through with this guy, but you're well within your rights not to invite him (and you don't have to tell anyone why if you're not comfortable talking about it).

ootmother2 · April 2012

There is absolutely no need to include rapists on your guest list. Yours or anyone elses

MyUserName1 · April 2012

...yeah, that's a pretty big exception to the SOs-must-be-invited rule.

If she asks why she can't bring him, then i'd probably say something along the lines of "That's not something I feel comfortable discussing" and refuse to elaborate.

Megbo2012 · April 2012

You don't have to invite this person. I'm sorry that happened to you.

polichik · April 2012

It's already been covered, but I wanted to ditto that you absolutely do not need to invite this guy. You don't need to give a reason why. I'm glad your FI is on the same page as you about this. He sounds like a good, supportive guy.

Grits8812 · April 2012

I agree. That is a definate exception to the rule of SO's being invited. I would want nothing to do with a guy who raped me being at my wedding.

redheadfsu · April 2012

You do not need to invite him. I completely understand not wanting to get into the details with her because of how uncomfortable it is for you, however, even if you are not close with her I really think she should be given a heads up about this jerk.

At the very least, I say, "You know you are invited to the wedding, but, BF will not be invited because of a very upsetting situation that occurred in the past. I do not feel comfortable going into details, but if you have questions you should ask him."

J&K10910 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-me-i-dont-have-to-invite-this-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:94169022-f485-49f3-bb26-ecc6d7e68d3ePost:ca6ecb49-bde2-4be2-a7ca-260586499d7b">Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person</a>:
[QUOTE]You do not need to invite him. I completely understand not wanting to get into the details with her because of how uncomfortable it is for you, however, even if you are not close with her I really think she should be given a heads up about this jerk. At the very least, I say, "You know you are invited to the wedding, but, BF will not be invited because of a very upsetting situation that occurred in the past. I do not feel comfortable going into details, <strong>but if you have questions you should ask him."</strong>
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I feel liek there is an excellent chance this would backfire on the OP.

redheadfsu · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-me-i-dont-have-to-invite-this-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:94169022-f485-49f3-bb26-ecc6d7e68d3ePost:58104832-d9de-49d3-9434-6d7334dcf928">Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person : I feel liek there is an excellent chance this would backfire on the OP.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

True, but this woman is going to be upset that her SO isn't invited. She will have questions. That just makes it clear OP will not talk about it. She would ask her SO anyway.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

Definitely don't invite that POS.

Part of me agrees with redhead in that I feel like the woman deserves to know about this guy. But there is just no good way to come out and say it without sharing such a personal part of yourself. Or like J&K said, the guy turning it around on you. So I don't know the solution, just that it sucks and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

ErinG93 · April 2012

I wouldn't say anything except, "I'm not comfortable speaking about it, but I hope to see you there."

AEusername2012 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-me-i-dont-have-to-invite-this-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:94169022-f485-49f3-bb26-ecc6d7e68d3ePost:58104832-d9de-49d3-9434-6d7334dcf928">Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person : I feel liek there is an excellent chance this would backfire on the OP.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Yeah, he's already convinced one of my friends that it was mutual.

And even to this day, I've questioned what actually happened, if it was actually my fault. It just sucks. Every once in a while, FI has to remind me it's not my fault because I get so upset about it.

polichik · April 2012

In Response to Re:Tell me I don't have to invite this person:[QUOTE]I wouldn't say anything except, quot;I'm not comfortable speaking about it, but I hope to see you there.quot; Posted by ErinG93[/QUOTE]I think this could be a good option if you don't want to talk about it, which is completely legitimate. The friend almost certainly will ask the guy what happened, so the OP needs to weigh her discomfort in talking about it with the knowledge that her friend will most likely be told an untrue version of what happened.

redheadfsu · April 2012

But yeah OP, it is a horrible situation and whatever you tell her or not tell her you are well within your rights (I was just trying to think of something that would hint he is a jerk, without going into the details). And I didn't say this before, but I'm really sorry you have to deal with this.

polichik · April 2012

In Response to Re:Tell me I don't have to invite this person:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person:In Response to Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person : I feel liek there is an excellent chance this would backfire on the OP.Posted by Jamp;K10910

Yeah, he's already convinced one of my friends that it was mutual.

And even to this day, I've questioned what actually happened, if it was actually my fault. It just sucks. Every once in a while, FI has to remind me it's not my fault because I get so upset about it. Posted by AEusername2012[/QUOTE]I just sad this after I posted. OP, I have no idea if you "know" me on here or if you would feel comfortable talking, but please PM me if you want to talk. I know I blamed myself for being sexually assaulted for a very long time, and although it took me a while, I'm in a good place now. Guys like him are great with messing with people's heads don't let him convince you to ignore your feelings.

polichik · April 2012

Sorry for the awkward typos and lack of hyphen.

[Deleted User] · April 2012

OP, don't let him think it was your fault. I understand that feeling, looking back on specific moments and wondering if there was something you should have done, should have said, but hindsight is 20/20, right?

PM me if you want/need to.

monkeysip · April 2012

Ugh it breaks my heart that you even have to worry about inviting your former rapist to your wedding. You shouldn't have to deal with him in your life at all. I'm so sorry about your situation.

Megan+Adam · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-me-i-dont-have-to-invite-this-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:94169022-f485-49f3-bb26-ecc6d7e68d3ePost:0374dace-acff-458a-8ef7-974e9d4787dd">Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person : Yeah, he's already convinced one of my friends that it was mutual. And even to this day, I've questioned what actually happened, if it was actually my fault. It just sucks. Every once in a while, FI has to remind me it's not my fault because I get so upset about it.
Posted by AEusername2012[/QUOTE]

<div>Fvck him and fvck your "friend" who he convinced that it was mutual. </div><div>
</div><div>No you don't have to invite him. </div>

lb1212 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-me-i-dont-have-to-invite-this-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:94169022-f485-49f3-bb26-ecc6d7e68d3ePost:0374dace-acff-458a-8ef7-974e9d4787dd">Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person : Yeah, he's already convinced one of my friends that it was mutual. And even to this day, <strong>I've questioned what actually happened, if it was actually my fault. It just sucks. Every once in a while, FI has to remind me it's not my fault because I get so upset about it.</strong>
Posted by AEusername2012[/QUOTE]

<div>It is so NOT YOUR FAULT!! Period. I'm so glad you've found an amazing guy who reminds you of that! Personally, you should not have D-Bag there. I'd ask FI to ask the Best Man, "If D-Bag shows up, kick his a$$ then throw him out." Cause D-Bag definitely deserves to have his a$$ kicked. </div><div>
</div><div> I agree with a lot of the PPs advice. This gets my vote, but I'd leave off the "<strong style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;border-image:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">but if you have questions you should ask him."</strong><span style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;border-image:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;"> </span></div><div> <span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;background-color:#ebf4fb;">"You know you are invited to the wedding, but, BF will not be invited because of a very upsetting situation that occurred in the past. I do not feel comfortable going into details<font color="#000000">,</font></span><font color="#000000"><span style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;border-image:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">but if you have questions you should ask him.</span><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;background-color:#ebf4fb;"> </span><span style="background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;border-style:initial;border-color:initial;border-image:initial;font-size:12px;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;vertical-align:baseline;font-family:Arial;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">"</span></font></div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;background-color:#ebf4fb;">Posted by redheadfsu</span><div>
</div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;">D-Bag will tell her any lie he wants, and you don't need to be put in the middle of that. If the woman keeps pestering you, ask FI to step in. </span></div>

JennyB0825 · April 2012

Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault.
Don't invite him. Don't feel bad about it. Don't even explain it.

Invite your friend if you care to, and if she has any questions field them wtih whatever response you please "We're trying to keep it small", " We're only inviting engaged couples", " Your Boyfriend really needs to f$ck off and die"... whatever you feel is appropriate.

Lisa50 · April 2012

You have already invited her. When written invitations are mailed, send one to her and EXCLUDE her S.O.

jessilee1019 · April 2012

Definitely don't invite him. You just might want to be prepared for her to include him on the RSVP anyways (if you're doing RSVPs). And then you might have to go tell her he's not invited (assuming she hadn't yet asked you why he wasn't included.)

AmyNoelle · April 2012

Wow, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this while planning one of the happiest occassion of your life. I have no experience in this realm but I would still advise you to NOT blame yourself or start to look back, question yourself, second guess, etc. You should not have to think about or dredge up bad feelings from the past right now if you can help it.

As far as the invitation, you absolute SHOULD NOT invite him. His presence could easily ruin your big day. As far as what you tell the coworker regarding not inviting a guest, I would blame it on keeping it smaller, staying within budget, etc. People understand. It's not just an automatic given that everyone gifts a guest to a wedding. Does she deserve to know what a POS this guy is? Sure!!! But is right now really the time that you want to approach this issue?

A wedding invitation should not be the catalyst that prompts a conversation you may or may not want to have with her about her BF's past. Make up a viable excuse for omitting her plus one and try to move forward with this happy time in your life. Later on you can decide how to approach the subject of this jerk dating your friend.

MyNameIsNot · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-me-i-dont-have-to-invite-this-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:94169022-f485-49f3-bb26-ecc6d7e68d3ePost:8c920bd8-88cd-4a38-8210-b70c99e39794">Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person</a>:
[QUOTE]Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. Don't invite him. Don't feel bad about it. Don't even explain it. Invite your friend if you care to, and if she has any questions field them wtih whatever response you please <strong>"We're trying to keep it small", " We're only inviting engaged couples",</strong> " Your Boyfriend really needs to f$ck off and die"... whatever you feel is appropriate.
Posted by JennyB0825[/QUOTE]

<div>I wholeheartedly disagree with this. Don't take the blame and let her think you are just being rude. Let her know that it is a result of your personal history with this guy that you don't feel comfortable discussing.</div><div>
</div><div>No matter what you say, she'll probably ask him about it and he'll probably lie to her. It's not your responsibility to tell her the truth, but she deserves to know what kind of guy she is really dating. </div>

MarissaY · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-me-i-dont-have-to-invite-this-person?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:94169022-f485-49f3-bb26-ecc6d7e68d3ePost:ca6ecb49-bde2-4be2-a7ca-260586499d7b">Re: Tell me I don't have to invite this person</a>:
[QUOTE]You do not need to invite him. I completely understand not wanting to get into the details with her because of how uncomfortable it is for you, however, even if you are not close with her I really think she should be given a heads up about this jerk. At the very least, I say, "You know you are invited to the wedding, but, BF will not be invited because of a very upsetting situation that occurred in the past. I do not feel comfortable going into details, but if you have questions you should ask him."
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

First of all, OP - I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine the pain of dealing with that. You are a strong, aamzing person for being able to survive something like that.

Secondly, please, <em>please</em> remember that you don't have to do anything you aren't comfortable with in regard to this monster and your coworker. Absolutely under no circumstances should you feel obligated to invite him, and if you don't want to talk to your coworker about why, you don't have to. Ok? However you feel comfortable handling this situation is the right way to handle it. Talk to your coworker if YOU want, have someone else talk to her if YOU want, but remember that you have to protect yourself to continue healing from this.

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