What a mess..... So sick of people...

[Deleted User] · July 2012

Hi.
We are trying to keep our wedding as small as possible. We didn't want to go over 125 people total (including ourselves & the WP) but we are at 138. I think even 125 is too much.
In any event, one of my uncles (on my mother's side) wants to bring his mother-in-law to the wedding along with him & his wife. I have never met the woman. I haven't even seen this uncle in 20 yrs & I have met his wife maybe once. I don't want his MIL to attend because 1- I want to keep the wedding as small as possible, 2- We cannot afford anymore guests, & 3- How rude is that for a guest to invite someone else???
He already rsvp'd for just him & his wife. I would rather they not attend than bring someone they want as THEIR guest.

We were unable to invite everyone we wanted to because we are paying for the wedding ourselves and I feel absolutely no need to invite a complete stranger to my wedding when I can't even invite all of my friends & family. HELP!! This is causing ridiculous unnecessary stress.
My own father said that he would not attend the wedding because we cannot afford to include this woman. Are you kidding me?? He has not given us a dime yet he wants us to invite some random person?? I told him that was fine, because my 10 yr old son was already going to walk me down the aisle so it's not like that concerns me.

I don't think we should be forced to invite someone we don't want nor can afford.
Thoughts? I am not going to budge & invite her but I just wanted outside opinions. Everyone I have told is in shock at my uncle's request & at my mother's husband's reaction.

brilibby4 · July 2012

Don't invite her. My grandmother really wanted me to invite her sisters who I have never met. She was mad when I said no but she eventually got over it.

goobersinlove · July 2012

You are under no obligation to include your uncle's mother-in-law, but you were ABSOLUTELY IN THE WRONG if you did not include your uncle's WIFE on the invitation.

From the way you worded your OP, it sounds like his wife wasn't invited either - was she? Can you clarify?

achiduck · July 2012

It sounds like you need to have two conversations:

1) "Uncle, I'm looking forward to seeing you and Aunt XYZ at the wedding. Unfortuanltey, we are short on space at the venue/money/whatever and we cannot accomodate extra guests. We hope you understand." If he says they won't come without her you tell them that's too bad and you'll miss them.

2) "Dad, FI and I have made a lot of sacraficies to pay for the wedding on our own and each extra person addds not only food/alcohol costs, but flowers, table linens, favors, whatever. We don't feel the need to invite Uncle's MIL as we've never met the woman and have hardly seen uncle XYZ in the last 20 years. I hope you can understand where we're coming from."

That's a shitty situation though. I'm not sure why your dad is saying he won't come if you don't invite his BIL's MIL. Crazy pants.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

Do you know why he wants to bring her? My aunt asked me a couple weeks before our wedding if she could bring her mother. I didn't invie her, but I kind of suspected beforehand she would want to bring her because of some health issues and the fact that her mother is elderly and completely dependent on her for care even though they were local. I knew we would probably have 1 or 2 no shows on the day of so it didn't affect my numbers and she knew my cousins. It was really a nonissue.

ETA: Obviously you're not obligated to include her but is one person REALLY going to push you over your budget? And your DAD won't come if she comes? I feel like there's more to that story.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-a-mess-so-sick-of-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3db279-ed6d-445d-89c5-17edcb18eb14Post:8f58db46-e921-42a2-89ea-22b9687f3d67">Re: What a mess..... So sick of people...</a>:
[QUOTE]You are under no obligation to include your uncle's mother-in-law, but you were ABSOLUTELY IN THE WRONG if you did not include your uncle's WIFE on the invitation. From the way you worded your OP, it sounds like his wife wasn't invited either - was she? Can you clarify?
Posted by goobersinlove[/QUOTE]

My Uncle AND his wife were invited & they accepted.

MyUserName1 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-a-mess-so-sick-of-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3db279-ed6d-445d-89c5-17edcb18eb14Post:8f58db46-e921-42a2-89ea-22b9687f3d67">Re: What a mess..... So sick of people...</a>:
[QUOTE]You are under no obligation to include your uncle's mother-in-law, but you were ABSOLUTELY IN THE WRONG if you did not include your uncle's WIFE on the invitation. From the way you worded your OP, it sounds like his wife wasn't invited either - was she? Can you clarify?
Posted by goobersinlove[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't see anything that even comes close to implying that she didn't invite her uncle's wife. </div><div>
</div><div>OP, I'd stand your ground and call your father's bluff. Tell him you'll miss him at the wedding. There's no reason you should feell obligated to allow your uncle to bring his MIL. </div>

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-a-mess-so-sick-of-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3db279-ed6d-445d-89c5-17edcb18eb14Post:18f67297-4de9-4519-8029-fcab9bb1165c">Re: What a mess..... So sick of people...</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you need to have two conversations: 1) "Uncle, I'm looking forward to seeing you and Aunt XYZ at the wedding. Unfortuanltey, we are short on space at the venue/money/whatever and we cannot accomodate extra guests. We hope you understand." If he says they won't come without her you tell them that's too bad and you'll miss them. 2) "Dad, FI and I have made a lot of sacraficies to pay for the wedding on our own and each extra person addds not only food/alcohol costs, but flowers, table linens, favors, whatever. We don't feel the need to invite Uncle's MIL as we've never met the woman and have hardly seen uncle XYZ in the last 20 years. I hope you can understand where we're coming from." That's a shitty situation though. I'm not sure why your dad is saying he won't come if you don't invite his BIL's MIL. Crazy pants.
Posted by achiduck[/QUOTE]

I spoke to my Uncle & explained it to him. I told him that it wasn't anything personal, but that we just could not afford it.

As far as my Father, he is impossible to discuss things with. He is never wrong according to him. I have no idea why he would say that either. I think he thought that I would agree to invite her by "threatening" not to come. But I am ok with it. It's not like I am a little girl who needs to be given away by her Father. I am a grown woman. 33 years old with 3 children of my own. I will be ok. :)

runpipparun · July 2012

Holy Bejeezus.

achiduck · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-a-mess-so-sick-of-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3db279-ed6d-445d-89c5-17edcb18eb14Post:e3e290a4-dffe-427d-ad71-1a977ba9881c">Re: What a mess..... So sick of people...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What a mess..... So sick of people... : I spoke to my Uncle & explained it to him. I told him that it wasn't anything personal, but that we just could not afford it. As far as my Father, he is impossible to discuss things with. He is never wrong according to him. I have no idea why he would say that either. I think he thought that I would agree to invite her by "threatening" not to come. But I am ok with it. It's not like I am a little girl who needs to be given away by her Father. I am a grown woman. 33 years old with 3 children of my own. I will be ok. :)
Posted by cvmami78[/QUOTE]

Sounds like you have a good plan then. Stick with it.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-a-mess-so-sick-of-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3db279-ed6d-445d-89c5-17edcb18eb14Post:2afbe56f-c06a-4ff3-a629-bc42e5131625">Re: What a mess..... So sick of people...</a>:
[QUOTE]Do you know why he wants to bring her? My aunt asked me a couple weeks before our wedding if she could bring her mother. I didn't invie her, but I kind of suspected beforehand she would want to bring her because of some health issues and the fact that her mother is elderly and completely dependent on her for care even though they were local. I knew we would probably have 1 or 2 no shows on the day of so it didn't affect my numbers and she knew my cousins. It was really a nonissue. ETA: Obviously you're not obligated to include her but is one person REALLY going to push you over your budget? And your DAD won't come if she comes? I feel like there's more to that story.
Posted by norman74[/QUOTE]

When I spoke to my uncle he said that his MIL "wants to come." So there are no medical issues or anything. I am sure there are alot of people who "want to come" but unfortunately we are unable to accomodate any more guests.

Yes, my Father's own words. I think he is embarassed at the fact that for whatever reason, he isn't helping us pay for the wedding & he thinks he's going to "look bad" by certain people not being there. That is neither my nor my FI's problem. We discussed this with our parents months ago & they didn't seem concerned. My Father's own words were to "do what you can afford" & that is exactly what we are doing.

It's not like he can't afford to help us pay, it's just that he chose not to. He went on vacation & bought a new house with the money he was going to give us. I was very upset at first, but I got over it. It is his money so he can do as he pleases with it. Just like it is OUR money, OUR wedding & we can invite whomever we please.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

I am just very frustrated. That's all. This is supposed to be a happy day. I am tired of my parents making me feel like sh*t about my wedding.

I'd like to add that my mother's husband expects us to uninvite our friends to accomodate people HE wants there. Wow. Speechless!

HandBanana · July 2012

Just adding that it sounds weird that he did this after invites had gone out and with someone like his MIL. I get if he mentioned kids or step kids but the MIL just seems odd.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-a-mess-so-sick-of-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3db279-ed6d-445d-89c5-17edcb18eb14Post:b2c753c1-6a34-42fb-b7d8-0b47f62e1eac">Re:What a mess..... So sick of people...</a>:
[QUOTE]Just adding that it sounds weird that he did this after invites had gone out and with someone like his MIL. I get if he mentioned kids or step kids but the MIL just seems odd.
Posted by HandBanana[/QUOTE]

I agree with you.

Simply Fated · July 2012

I would refuse to invite the MIL and call your dad's bluff. MyUserName... "I don't see anything that even comes close to implying that she didn't invite her uncle's wife." I thought the OP hadn't invited the wife, either. I think maybe it was the overuse of pronouns and sentence structure. Like when OP said she had only met the wife once or whatever. It was tacked on to the same thought as not inviting the MIL because they'd never met, so I thought the wife was included in that reasoning.

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-a-mess-so-sick-of-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3db279-ed6d-445d-89c5-17edcb18eb14Post:ee915da7-82ac-47c8-87e7-fc9498a04c07">Re:What a mess..... So sick of people...</a>:
[QUOTE]I would refuse to invite the MIL and call your dad's bluff. MyUserName... "I don't see anything that even comes close to implying that she didn't invite her uncle's wife." I thought the OP hadn't invited the wife, either. I think maybe it was the overuse of pronouns and sentence structure. Like when OP said she had only met the wife once or whatever. It was tacked on to the same thought as not inviting the MIL because they'd never met, so I thought the wife was included in that reasoning.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I thought it was clear that I had invited his wife. But that's not my concern. The major concern is the MIL. When I spoke to my uncle, it still didn't seem that he understood that we were not adding her. He said he'd speak to his wife and call me back. If he still insists that his MIL to attend, she is going to have to take his wife's place because we are not adding another seat.

pearlaqua · July 2012

Sounds like you father (or step-father?) is using your wedding to posture about his own economic standing. The more people that get invited, the better he looks? It's not like most guests know who is paying for what so inviting your uncle's MIL (I am assuming uncle= your dad's brother?), dad thinks he can look like a hero/awesome provider rather than admit that this wedding is being held in reality and not in Wedding Movie Dreamland.

Either way, nothing to do with you so stand your ground and have a great time!

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_what-a-mess-so-sick-of-people?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7e3db279-ed6d-445d-89c5-17edcb18eb14Post:88bbef6e-8eb9-4847-90f3-5a3e9fe2175a">Re: What a mess..... So sick of people...</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like you father (or step-father?) is using your wedding to posture about his own economic standing. The more people that get invited, the better he looks? It's not like most guests know who is paying for what so inviting your uncle's MIL (I am assuming uncle= your dad's brother?), dad thinks he can look like a hero/awesome provider rather than admit that this wedding is being held in reality and not in Wedding Movie Dreamland. Either way, nothing to do with you so stand your ground and have a great time!
Posted by pearlaqua[/QUOTE]

Lol. He is my biological father, but I am just mad, thus the "my mother's husband."
Thank you!! That is it EXACTLY!!! <strong>"The more people invited, the better he looks." </strong>&<strong> "dad thinks he can look like a hero/awesome provider rather than admit that this wedding is being held in reality and not in Wedding Movie Dreamland. " </strong>That's EXACTLY it!!! My FI & I have no desire to put on a "show" so we don't need the big brouhaha (sp?) of "showing off." My Father is all about appearances. I don't care about that stuff.

pearlaqua · July 2012

Well, there you have it. This really drives me up the wall because even people with unlimited means often choose to have small, modest affairs. It's so class-jumpy and desperate to use a wedding as a time to trot out your financial delusions.

Have the wedding you can afford, be happy, and maybe your dad will grow up. Maybe.

Lisa50 · July 2012

Do not invite anyone that you and your fiance have decided is not wanted at the wedding.

Tell your uncle (in a one-on-one conversation, not an email or via someone else) that you are really, really sorry but you cannot accomodate his MIL. Then add this, I understand how close you are to her so if this means that you and Auntie so-and-so cannot be at the wedding, we understand. Slather it on ... but hold your ground. Make it clear you really want him and auntie there, but MIL cannot be accomodated.

I had to do this. It was only uncomfortable the first couple of times. I also had a very close cousin casually spread the word about tight budget, limited resources, difficult choices, etc., if she heard people chatting about why they might not have been invited. It worked very well.

Good luck!!

JaxJ128 · July 2012

WOW.... and this is why weddings are stressful if you ask me! LOL. I would definetly not feel bad about telling your uncle that his MIL cant come... how rude is he!!? To ask if he can bring an extra guest. She WASNT invited. If you wanted her there she wouldve been. what the hell???? Some people how no shame at all. disgusts me!!

spartybride3 · July 2012

My fiance's mom also wanted to invite a few people we don't know. At first we told her no, sorry we can't afford to invite these 12 extra people, but she at least offered to pay for their meals. I feel like if your dad were to do that, its kind of hard to say no becuase then what is your excuse ya know?

I get that your dad is not doing that & I feel your pain. My mom couldn't contribute anything for the wedding and therefore, she had little to no say in our guest list. At the end of the day, its your wedding & you should have the people there that you want.

Habs2Hart · July 2012

Why would his MIL want to see her SIL's niece that she's never met get married? I just can't wrap my head around that.

Tell Uncle that you have only two spaces for him and his wife, but if his wife would rather stay home, he is welcome to bring his MIL in her place. See if that shuts him up.

People are brutal.

pomundson0 · July 2012

Yea... my grandmother on my dad's side decided to kind of invite her second cousin (I think?) from another country... so said cousin who we have never met but my mom emails on occasion emailied my mom asking if she could come, mom forwarded the email to me to see what I thought. Both of us thought my grandmother overstepped her bounderies bigtime but my FI and I decided it would be nice to include her so we let it slide. We're at around 120 people and paying for it ourselves too, and there are some more friends we would like to invite, but luckily nobody else has tried to invite anyone else!!

Turns out she's taking a month-long trip to the States and this will end up being part of it, so that's cool, but I was SO frustrated at first. I just don't get the posturing and the threatening not to come if you don't allow so-and-so, seems so crazy to me!

If your dad was willing to give up his spot to accomodate this MIL, that's a little different, but the idea of a dad volunteering to miss his daughter's wedding for whatever reason kills me

Or even the aunt giving up her spot to accomodate her mother who is not related to you in any way, that's just bizarre.. o.O

What a mess..... So sick of people...

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