not excited to be engaged.

clbraaten217 · April 2011

I recently got engaged, and I love this man more than anything, but I am not excited to get married and have a wedding. We have been together 3 and a half years and there has been so much pressure on us to get engaged and have a wedding it just feels like more of a chore than something to look forward to. My maid of honor is my best friend but she is in some sort of weird depression and not being helpful or really even excited we got engaged.. My future MIL is so judgemental and doesn't really like me, pretty sure none of his family does. I am getting a lot of grief because I am not sure I want to change my name. We thought about eloping but I know that my parents really want a wedding and I do want to give them one. My parents are putting up the money, his only want to pay for the grooms dinner. Its fine, but his mom wants her hand in everything else. I love my fiance and don't ever not want to be with him, but I feel I am doing a disservice by not being excited for our wedding. I am hoping once we settle on a location and date things will be more fun. Please tell me that these are somewhat normal feelings??

JOleksa · April 2011

I want to hug you!

I felt the same way. After six years my fiance proposed and of course I said yes, as I wouldnt ever want to be with anyone else. Same future MIL and everything as you! Everyone was sooo mad at me because I waned our engagement to be two years. But, time flew, and it was worth it. It allowed time for everything to sink in, mature a little bit more, and now Im ready, AND even excited! I dont know if our feeling were normal, but I can definitely relate. It is a lot of pressure and silly to spend crazy amounts of money. People even act more ridiculous than you are about it.

Would you be able to have a long engagement? Say, 2013? It does seem like forever, but its certainly not! In 2009 I never thought Id see 2011.

BarbourWales04 · April 2011

There's been a lot of drama with my engagement- so I was excited, but I wasn't particularly thrilled about it. Now that my wedding is nearly a year away, I'm getting more and more happy about it, the planning process, etc. I adore FI, but these feelings are normal.

Having said that, OP, if you truly feel like getting married is a chore, I'd have a long talk with your FI about it. If that doesn't make you feel better, I'd seriously rethink getting married. You shouldn't be doing this on any timetable other than yours and FI's. My FI and I decided early on that we would listen to other people, take thier opinions into consideration, and then do what was best for us. We haven't always succeeded, but he's my main support. Not with the wedding, which is not more than a glorified party, but with all the emotional upheaval that inevitably happens during the process.

Oh, and km972805- just a word to the wise- it's generally not a good idea to have your email as your sig... there's a lot of crazies on the internet!

clbraaten217 · April 2011

Thanks all - I've been nervous to tell anyone about the lack of excitement. I kinda feel like I have been putting on a front to people. We have talked about waiting and everything but we like the idea of spring 2012 which is plenty of time to get excited. I think all the pressure from friends, family, co-workers and even myself has gotten to me. It is not even intentional pressure it is just the comments like, "when are you getting married?" "are you two ever going to get engaged?" "This is the most exciting time in you life." Blah blah blah.

It is encouraging knowing that others have gone through similar emotions regarding a wedding. I also have never been a "bride" type, never planned an imaginary wedding when I was younger so this is also super weird for me to be a bride to be. Thanks again. You all brightened my day and made me feel a little more normal

mandi921vh · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_not-excited-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:906d35a2-677b-4133-be50-3cb796bdc4d7Post:fad1cb98-48cc-494e-91d0-7188bd07cd86">not excited to be engaged.</a>:
[QUOTE]I recently got engaged, and I love this man more than anything, but I am not excited to get married and have a wedding. We have been together 3 and a half years and there has been so much pressure on us to get engaged and have a wedding it just feels like more of a chore than something to look forward to. My maid of honor is my best friend but she is in some sort of weird depression and not being helpful or really even excited we got engaged.. My future MIL is so judgemental and doesn't really like me, pretty sure none of his family does. I am getting a lot of grief because I am not sure I want to change my name. We thought about eloping but I know that my parents really want a wedding and I do want to give them one. My parents are putting up the money, his only want to pay for the grooms dinner. Its fine, but his mom wants her hand in everything else. I love my fiance and don't ever not want to be with him, but I feel I am doing a disservice by not being excited for our wedding. I am hoping once we settle on a location and date things will be more fun. Please tell me that these are somewhat normal feelings??
Posted by clbraaten217[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Getting married should not feel like a chore, if you two don't want to get married, you don't have to.</div><div>
</div><div>Depression is a real illness. Your MOH is obviously going through a lot. The MOH isn't expected to help you plan your wedding, that is you and your FI's job. Also no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are. </div><div>
</div><div>It's a bummer that you feel that your FI's family doesn't like you but this should not be a reason you don't want to get married to him, unless his family is rude to you and he does nothing, that would be an entirely different issue...</div><div>
</div><div>If your FI's family doesn't like you, as you say, then who is pressuring you to get married?</div><div>
</div><div>That sucks that you are getting a lot of grief about keeping your name, it is your name and you should do whatever you want with it. Who is pressuring you to change it? If it is your FI, again, that is a whole other issue...</div><div>
</div><div>It is nice that both of your families are helping out money wise, but remember that those paying will have a say in how it's spent. </div><div>
</div><div>It is normal to feel overwhelmed with wedding planning stress after getting engaged, just enjoy being engaged before you dive into the wedding planning. </div>

dola0603 · April 2011

My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married for awhile now. We've been dating for almost 5 years. We were thinking of a Summer 2012 wedding, with a year to plan. However with in the last two weeks his brother and his girlfriend have gotten engaged and announced they are pregnant with their second child [dating 18 months], days after his sister and her boyfriend announced their engagement [dating 11 months].

His family seems to think we should be engaged and that we messed up the order of things. I have no doubt that we will get married, but we will get engaged and married on our own time.

Don't let anyone ruin your engagement, have a long engagement so you get married when it is something you both want.

AliceMcGarry · April 2011

i feel the same.

almost-a-bride · April 2011

I couldn't wait to get engaged. But when I did, the wedding planning or wedding didn't excite me. We were engaged for 4 years before I even started planning!! But once I actually started, I loved it!! I'm sad it's over, but it was so amazing.

meganb1977 · April 2011

I didn't want a big wedding with lots of people (but my fiance did) and wasn't excited about a lot of aspects of that either. But once we worked out the where and when and how I felt a little better about it. Give yourself some time and try to focus on the things you do enjoy about being with your fiance and the things that do make you happy about being engaged in the meantime.

starburst2785 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_not-excited-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:906d35a2-677b-4133-be50-3cb796bdc4d7Post:57696735-4b9f-43bb-abfa-4782fabb7841">Re: not excited to be engaged.</a>:
[QUOTE]There's been a lot of drama with my engagement- so I was excited, but I wasn't particularly thrilled about it. Now that my wedding is nearly a year away, I'm getting more and more happy about it, the planning process, etc. I adore FI, but these feelings are normal. Having said that, OP, if you truly feel like getting married is a chore, I'd have a long talk with your FI about it. If that doesn't make you feel better, I'd seriously rethink getting married. You shouldn't be doing this on any timetable other than yours and FI's. My FI and I decided early on that we would listen to other people, take thier opinions into consideration, and then do what was best for us. We haven't always succeeded, but he's my main support. Not with the wedding, which is not more than a glorified party, but with all the emotional upheaval that inevitably happens during the process. Oh, and km972805- just a word to the wise- it's generally not a good idea to have your email as your sig... there's a lot of crazies on the internet!
Posted by BarbourWales04[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>I agree - FI and I have a 2yo, and we just got engaged last night. When DS was born, we were getting a lot of "strong hints" from family to get engaged for DS's sake. </div><div>
</div><div>We always wanted to get engaged and be married, but on OUR time. I ended up waiting almost 5 years, and now that it's finally happened, I am super excited and loving it. </div><div>
</div><div>If you're not though, don't cave to pressure! It's you and your FI's life, not anyone elses'!

</div>

manychihuahuas · April 2011

There is a big difference between getting married and having a wedding. It sounds like you have a clear handle on that - good for you! Please don't sell yourself short. There are tons of women who only care about the wedding, as opposed to the actual marriage, and we all know what results from that don't we?

I understand that your parents want the wedding and if they are paying they will have a HUGE say in how it is done. Why not sit down and think about what you and your fiance want to commemorate your union and, if your parents are not on board with it, find a way to pay for it yourself? You can do something intimate and romantic with just a few people in a private room at a restaurant for very little money. Or a casual BBQ in a park for a lot of people for a similarly low price. Or maybe just a courthouse wedding and spend the money on a honeymoon just for you two.

Bottom line is - it is up to you and him. If you are unhappy at the thought of the wedding you are expected to have, that is a big red flag that you should not do it. Embrace who YOU are and the smile will be back on your face in no time. Congratulations on your engagement girl!!!!!!!!

not excited to be engaged.

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