Need advice please :(

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:86054fb4-f5f6-49d1-832e-959098ad4140">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]A month away huh? Was there coffee involved?
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

You're reading my mind Blue.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:ad65ed1d-8886-4d98-864a-193eb5d9a4d7">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : I totally disagree with stuff like this. If something makes me uncomfortable, it makes me uncomfortable regardless of his level of sobriety, and being intoxicated is not an excuse or a mitigating factor, IMO. Unless I'm totally misreading what you're saying here. Look, OP, I don't know what you want. Can you get over it? If so, then get busy. If not, then you know what needs to happen.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

Oh, I'm not excusing it at all. I did word it weird. I was just saying that OP is so focused on "this is what we agreed on" and the fact is, people do stupid stuff when under the influence. So, either you accept that things didn't go as planned and get over it, or you decide you can't trust him to always follow the plan and act responsibly.

J&K10910 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:7c8ffbd9-0429-40ad-93c4-70ff3f1a2686">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : This was his bach party. If he did this every time he went out with his friends, then fine, be upset.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Also totally disagree with this. B-parties aren't an excuse for him to do things he wouldn't "normally" do. And if he'd disrespect what they talked about and seemingly agreed upon at his b-party, I would absolutely wonder if he did it other times too.

cheeseandrice · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:18fed684-8b7b-4710-953c-ba1ca6886139">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : You're reading my mind Blue.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

<div>Funny. I thought it was you at first ;)</div><div>
</div><div>I can't think of any other 'regs' here that aren't already married.</div>

Blueyed228 · June 2012

I dont get whats not to trust. Did he cheat on you? Im confused.

Blueyed228 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:e3aa2eb4-a40f-40f7-8cd6-63b8ce7428e3">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Funny. I thought it was you at first ;) I can't think of any other 'regs' here that aren't already married.
Posted by Steph+J[/QUOTE]

If we are being honest, that my my first thought too, lol

Chels seems like she might get upset over weed and girls. maybe not tho.

J&K10910 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:fbfaf28b-9340-45e7-b62f-f33b392cb13b">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Oh, I'm not excusing it at all. I did word it weird. I was just saying that OP is so focused on "this is what we agreed on" and the fact is, people do stupid stuff when under the influence. So, either you accept that things didn't go as planned and get over it, or you decide you can't trust him to always follow the plan and act responsibly.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

Got it! That makes more sense to me.

Nebb · June 2012

Im sorry but its just a frigging joint and some dancing. If you get offered a joint, you take it regardless of a lame discussion you had about your comfort levels. Its not like he smoked crack.

LP11509 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:667c21b7-f4bf-4654-8363-10f74627a90a">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I could help you out a lot more if I knew who you were. just saying. Also, if your FI says he'd be upset with you for doing the same thing he did, he's a hypocritical douche. Unless he thinks you're justified in being upset. Either way- like PPs said. He came home and told you. He was honest. He didn't try to lie or hide it. I think that says far more than what he actually did do.
Posted by Steph+J[/QUOTE]

<div>All of this. I get that you're upset that he violated your agreed upon boundaries. But he was honest about it and didn't try to cover his ass. That says a lot.</div><div>
</div><div>Talk to him about it, you'll feel better. </div>

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:e3aa2eb4-a40f-40f7-8cd6-63b8ce7428e3">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Funny. I thought it was you at first ;) I can't think of any other 'regs' here that aren't already married.
Posted by Steph+J[/QUOTE]

Haha nope. FI's bach party was back in march, mine was a month ago :)

regwithaq · June 2012

Blue, I worry he will do something similar in the future. He knew I was uncomfortable with something and chose to do it anyways. I know I will think about this everytime he is out with his friends in the future.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:75fea248-0974-476d-b2bb-1f62d3b988c5">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Im sorry but its just a frigging joint and some dancing. If you get offered a joint, you take it regardless of a lame discussion you had about your comfort levels. Its not like he smoked crack.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

Why would you take it just because it's offered? You can just as easily say no.

Blueyed228 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:0086b777-1066-48fe-b870-dc32c4d5683c">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Also totally disagree with this. B-parties aren't an excuse for him to do things he wouldn't "normally" do. And if he'd disrespect what they talked about and seemingly agreed upon at his b-party, I would absolutely wonder if he did it other times too.
Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

I guess we agree to disagree because my point isnt what he did, it was the fact that she layed out rules in the first place which I find incredibly silly.

And I dont see anything wrong with guys getting drunk on their BP. Or smoking a joint. Or god forbid speaking to another female. I think laying down ultimatums is always a recipe for disaster and resentment.

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:ed89ad29-affa-4a36-a4d3-7a0e6a5b2493">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : If we are being honest, that my my first thought too, lol Chels seems like she might get upset over weed and girls. maybe not tho.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't be pleased about the girls, but based on OP's description, this was an isolated incident, so it wouldn't bother me that badly. And I'd do weed way before FI ever would ;)

StefffiC · June 2012

I would be upset over his lack of boundaries.

However, our married life is different than many others and I have no issue with it - we spend 15 - 20 hours together every week doing fun stuff, we don't have any oppoisite sex friends, we don't have 'girls night out' or 'guys nights' we are always together for our luxury time.

It works for us and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Our relationship when we were dating was touched by infidelity and we've healed from it - I won't ever go back down that road again.

Nebb · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:79fb2f71-9245-4c6d-ad2f-1b65bc1dc93f">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Why would you take it just because it's offered? You can just as easily say no.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]
cause its good manners imo

pirategal03 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:b489971b-1772-4575-8388-021b956af10c">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : Haha nope. FI's bach party was back in march, mine was a month ago :)
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

<div>You're right. People have never lied about timing of things like that when posting under an AE. </div>

Blueyed228 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:3868f310-6c32-43a4-aa3e-baf8303f018f">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Blue, I worry he will do something similar in the future. He knew I was uncomfortable with something and chose to do it anyways. I know I will think about this everytime he is out with his friends in the future.
Posted by regwithaq[/QUOTE]

Ok, just out of curiosity, what is so bad with getting drunk. Or smoking a joint once in awhile on a special occasion. Or dancing with a girl? Maybe if I knew why it bothered you to the point where you cant trust him anymore I would understand.

cheeseandrice · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:3868f310-6c32-43a4-aa3e-baf8303f018f">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Blue, I worry he will do something similar in the future. He knew I was uncomfortable with something and chose to do it anyways. <strong>I know I will think about this everytime he is out with his friends in the future. </strong>
Posted by regwithaq[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Then you have a trust issue, and that's a much bigger problem than a joint.

</div>

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:3868f310-6c32-43a4-aa3e-baf8303f018f">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Blue, I worry he will do something similar in the future. He knew I was uncomfortable with something and chose to do it anyways. I know I will think about this everytime he is out with his friends in the future.
Posted by regwithaq[/QUOTE]

Well like others have said, maybe it's the point where you evaluate how much you trust him. Maybe try and do a couple counseling sessions with him before the wedding if you can.
I feel like there's got to be some underlying trust issues (even if they're subconscious) if one evening of dancing with girls and smoking pot is shaking you up this badly.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:1f567e75-4715-4f6c-bd48-5d53a727c051">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : cause its good manners imo
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

I'd rather be rude than go against my personal beliefs of doing drugs. I don't think good manners should matter when it comes to being pressured to do any kind of drug.

arwo · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:86ecc37e-71f4-42de-9b1f-5eba66e35d73">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I dont get whats not to trust. Did he cheat on you? Im confused.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think extra(pre)marital sex is the only thing that can happen to break a person's trust. </div><div>
</div><div>If there was something that made me uncomfortable and H and I had talked and agreed about it and then he did it despite all of that, I might be pissed. And yeah, I might feel like he betrayed my trust. </div><div>
</div>

LetsHikeToday · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:672dd335-36e5-487a-999a-3b16999943fb">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be upset over his lack of boundaries. However, our married life is different than many others and I have no issue with it - we spend 15 - 20 hours together every week doing fun stuff, we don't have any oppoisite sex friends, we don't have 'girls night out' or 'guys nights' we are always together for our luxury time. It works for us and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Our relationship when we were dating was touched by infidelity and we've healed from it - I won't ever go back down that road again.
Posted by StefffiC[/QUOTE]

How is this helpful?

Blueyed228 · June 2012

Lol, going to a therapist over a joint is killing me. Absolutely killing me right now.

J&K10910 · June 2012

I didn't see it as her laying out rules. I read it as they talked about it together, for BOTH of their parties, and that's what they decided on.

And I also think, regardless of how anyone else would feel in the situation, regardless of if you (general you now) think OP is being ridiculous, she was obviously bothered by it, and now she has to figure out if she can get over it or not.

Nebb, I wouldn't just take a joint offered to me. I don't give a damn if it's good manners or not, and I think it's silly to suggest it would be rude of me to decline a drug.

Anysunrise · June 2012

I don't think you're TOTALLY out of line to be a little upset, but I do think you're overreacting a little. At my faux bachelorette party, I got really drunk, grinded with a few guys, gave a couple more some pecks on the cheek. I am totally happy with H and would never cheat on him, it was just a fun night and I was having a fun time specifically because it was something I would never do normally or make a habit of. I think that's kind of what Blue means by "It was his bachelor party."

And weed is not a big deal at all. From the sounds of the beginning of the post, I was expecting "And one of his friends had some acid and a couple shots of heroin and he said, hey, why not?". I smoked weed for the first time when I was 14, and even then didn't get what the big deal was. So seriously, I get why you'd be upset, but it's really not a huge deal. Ditto PPs, talk to him about it.

arwo · June 2012

Dude, if you don't want a toke when a joint is offered, just pass the damn thing to the next person.

StefffiC · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:5e5d74bb-5309-4d19-a002-345704225501">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Need advice please :( : How is this helpful?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

Because my point of view is from a vastly different place than many other people's here - I cheated on him, he looked for a revenge affair but never actually went through with it. We got down that road by doing what many people consider 'normal' behaviors - girls nights out, opposite sex friends, spending our luxury time apart.

We really didn't have 'trust issues' - I had boundary issues, he was (rightfully) uncomfortable with my behavior, and my friends labeled him 'jealous' or 'controlling' all things I see being thrown around here.

I think she doesn't have trust issues - he's got boundary issues, is doing things to make her uncomfortable, and instead of facing that and dealing with it, she's being told that she's just 'being controlling'.

[Deleted User] · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-advice-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:659e1bd9-104c-48f1-8568-f995db11bbfbPost:c769e1ff-375d-493e-b0df-9b95ebc11731">Re: Need advice please :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think you're TOTALLY out of line to be a little upset, but I do think you're overreacting a little. At my faux bachelorette party, I got really drunk, grinded with a few guys, gave a couple more some pecks on the cheek. I am totally happy with H and would never cheat on him, it was just a fun night and I was having a fun time specifically because it was something I would never do normally or make a habit of. I think that's kind of what Blue means by "It was his bachelor party."
Posted by Anysunrise[/QUOTE]

I don't get this. If you wouldn't go it normally, why would you do it for your party? Whether it's one time or all the time, you are still doing it and it can be just as hurtful.

regwithaq · June 2012

I don't have a problem with getting drunk. I do question my trust for him if he claims something is crossing the line and then gets drunk and does it anyways.

Something about girls asses rubbing all over my fiance just doesn't make me comfortable.

Like I said, I do have trust issues because of my past. It took me awhile to trust fiance and I don't trust easily. I don't think what he did was horrible, but it still crossed a line that both of us claimed to be uncomfortable with so I feel confused.

Thanks for the advice everyone. It does help to hear everyones' perspectives and opinions on the subject. I totally get why most of you think I am over reacting because I know fiance and I have always had a pretty conservative life style compared to most.

Need advice please :(

Re: Need advice please :(

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