Awkard bridesmaid issue!

Kestey · February 2012

I need help! When I got engaged we decided to do a all family wedding party, so I asked my brother's gf to be in the wedding, however we ended up pushing the wedding back, and then they broke up. She was still a part of the bridal party, but as the wedding is approaching her behavior with my brother has become....awkard and now he is dating someone else. Is it wrong to ask her not to be a bridesmaid anymore? or am I stuck?

mbody · February 2012

Obviously you felt close enough to this girl that you considered her 'family' because you asked her to be a BM in an all family WP. I get that breakups and such complicate things, but if you considered her family before, wouldn't you still now? If she was only 'considered family' because of the relationship she had with your brother then are you planning to ask his new girlfriend to be a BM because she's 'family' now, right? (EDIT: I'm not trying to sound like an a-hole by asking that, but just trying to understand your definitition of family- is it clearly based on 'relationship status' or on how close you feel to someone. Does this make sense??)

The point that I'm *trying* to make is- if you were actually close to this girl (outside of her relationship to your brother) then keep her as a BM. If you only asked her to be a BM because she was in a relationship with your brother (and you aren't close with her) then I guess remove her. If I were in this situation, I'd keep her because you already asked her.

Hindsight is always 20/20, but this is why it's important to chose the closest people to you for your WP- don't ever base it on a family member's relationship with a person.

mbcdefg · February 2012

I think it depends. Are you friends with her, outside of the prior situation where she could've potentially been your sister-in-law someday? How does your brother feel about this breakup ... was it a fairly friendly one, or is he devastated? Did they part on good terms or did she cheat on him or treat him like dirt? Do you plan on remaining friends with her?

I agree that it's not right to boot someone from a bridal party. However, in a situation like this, my loyalty would ultimately lie with my brother ... but my brother and I are close.

So I voted that you should talk to your brother before you decide how to proceed. But if he says that he'd feel weird having her as a bridesmaid but she could attend as a guest, I would just promise not to pair them up or seat them next to each other ... because it wouldn't make sense for him to be O.K. with her AT the wedding but not IN the wedding.

If I didn't feel very strongly about maintaining a friendship with this girl, and my brother said it'd make him very upset to have her at my wedding, I would approach her and say something like, "I ultimately have to do what makes my brother happy, so under the current circumstances I think it's best if we go our separate ways and you don't attend my wedding. It's nothing personal, and I really wish you the best." And I would say this to her knowing full well that she might get pissy with me, we probably wouldn't be on good terms after that, and people outside the situation might raise an eyebrow. But, again, my loyalty to my brother comes first. If she cheated on him or something awful then I'd have no problem telling her not to show her face around me again.

But if you and the girlfriend aren't really friends outside of your brother, then I am betting that she will just drop out on her own. I personally wouldn't want to attend an ex-boyfriend's family wedding (never mind be a bridesmaid) unless our breakup was very friendly and I was extremely close to his family.

AdeleDazeem · February 2012

Yeah... this is awkward. Did you think about this potentially happening? I sure as hell would have.

Are you friends with this girl outside of your brother? If the answer is no, I'd be asking her to step out (in truth, I would have NEVER asked her in the first place). If you are friends with her, still see her, and have a relationship with her that has nothing to do with your brother, then she stays.

This is a nice cautionary tale for lurkers...

blgrout · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_awkard-bridesmaid-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:1dcbf4d7-450c-445b-879e-78fd53349ca6Post:53ff03e4-1391-49b5-9f35-2b0c0ab1a8e0">Re: Awkard bridesmaid issue!</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah... this is awkward. Did you think about this potentially happening? I sure as hell would have. Are you friends with this girl outside of your brother? If the answer is no, I'd be asking her to step out (in truth, I would have NEVER asked her in the first place). If you are friends with her, still see her, and have a relationship with her that has nothing to do with your brother, then she stays. <strong>This is a nice cautionary tale for lurkers...
</strong>Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

truth.

This is very awkward. It's incredibly rude to ask someone not to be a part of your WP after already asking her IMO. But, I don't think it would be out of line at all to sit down with her and ask her how she's feeling about being in the WP when your bro and his new GF will be at the wedding. If she's highly uncomfortable with it, she may tell you she doesn't want to be in the WP. If ya'll are friends outside of her relationship/non-relationship with your brother, then leave her in the WP. GL with everything.

sonya+adam · February 2012

I agree with PPs. These questions need to be answered before I can give you a full opinion. As for what I know now, you should have taken what happened into consideration when you were picking your wedding party. I wouldn't have put this girl in my WP simply because of the chance of a breakup. That just leaves you with the awkward situation that you're in now. If you are close to this girl outside of her [past] relationship with your brother, then you might not want to kick her out of your wedding, as that is a friendship-ending move. If you aren't close to her and don't mind losing her in your life, then do whatever you think is best when it comes to your brother and how he's being treated by her.

RussoWill · February 2012

I also asked my brither's girlfrield to be part of my wedding party. They had been dating as long as we had (5 years). We were married in September and they just broke up 2 weeks ago. Regrets? No. We all thought they were going to get married. I'd grown to be really good friends with her. Had they not dated, we never would have been friends in the first place, but if you liked her enough to be in your WP, then I assume you still like her that much, aside from her previous relationship with your brother.
If you are having second thoughts, I'd talk to her about it. She may be uncomfortable or she may not. the only awkward part here is that your brother has a new girlfriend. That may make your brother's ex uncomfortable (depending on how the relationship ended).

TiffannieF · February 2012

If you two are not friends then 'kicking her out' won't hurt your relationship. If you are then I say no. Your bother can put on big boy pants for the day and ignore his ex and vice versa.

MyNameIsNot · February 2012

If you want to continue your friendship with her, you can't kick her out. If you don't want to continue to be friends with her anymore, go ahead.

sarammares · March 2012

i stood up in my ex-boyfriend's sisters wedding 6 years ago... i look back on it now and i wish she would have said something to me prior to the wedding... i definitely think you should have a conversation with your brother first and then her... just think... she will be in your pictures FOREVER! i think about that often as i am planning my own wedding now... my ex-boyfriend's sister probably looks back on her pictures now and wishes i wasn't included...

kendalldavis · March 2012

This basically happened to us too. My FI best friend and best man had a girl friend. They had been dating longer that we had before we got engaged. I asked her to be in the wedding party because me and her were friends. A month ago they broke up and I really didn't know what to do either. I posted on here and everyones advice was to let it play out since the wedding is 7 months away. So I did. Well she found out the the bestman went on a date with another girl. Blamed me for the whole thing and said she didn't want to be in the wedding anymore. I am so glad she did because she has done things since the break up that I don't approve of (like stalking the bestman) and I no longer want to be her friend or her be in the wedding party. I think it depends on if you and her actually have a relationship. But I would consider the day of the wedding, I wanted mine to be drama free and not awkward.....

Lolagirl2012 · March 2012

Maybe ask her if she is still comfortable coming due to the cercumstances? If she says yes, suggest a conversation is had between involved parties to put their big boy/girl panties on and let you and your FI enjoy a drama free wedding day

Kestey · March 2012

So we asked everyone to be in our wedding when we got engaged last May we were planning a Jan 2012 wedding;however that didn't happen we had to put off the wedding for Jan 2013. I addressed this issue with my brother prior to asking her and he approved. Granted they have been going out for 8yrs she was a member of our family. When the break up occurred it was due to a trust issure with my brother on her part. Since then she has had no contact with me or the rest of my family. No I am not going to be asking the new GF to be in the wedding; and I find that comment extremely rude. As all of us know, relationships even friendships change she was closet to myself and my sister in law, and since the break up no communication from her. No I wouldn't have asked her if she wasn't part of the family we decided on family to not hurt feelings of friends who where close, now of course I regret the decision, but this was all done hoping we would be married this year instead of next.

Kestey · March 2012

They were still together last year and broke up a frew months after we got engaged

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