MOH not sure....?

yakusoku82 · February 2012

I chose to not have my sister as my MOH. I am not that close with my sister and she lives about 8 hours away. I chose my fiancé's sister. We had gotten pretty close while my fiance & I were dating, she's really great with my daughter, and she's becoming almost like a sister to me now. She's only 19, so I am not expecting all those so-called "duties" that some people talk about. Obviously, the wedding day assistance and a little help here or there where I might want another females opinion. It was her who said that she wanted to go shopping with me and do stuff with me for the wedding in Sept. 2012.

My issue is that I'm starting to get the feeling that I may have issues if I simply ask her to go shopping with me. This impression is coming from when she went wedding dress shopping with me. She told me that she wanted to come with me for that, so I invited her to do so. But while I was trying them on, after the first 2 dresses (I only tried on 7 total) she had this annoyed disinterested look on her face. She didn't even give any feedback. She pretty much had a bad attitude for the whole appointment, even while trying to pick out the dress for her. At the end of the appointment, she called her new (and 1st) boyfriend, and then her mood significantly improved. I asked if she was moody because she hadn't talked to her boyfriend and she said yes!! It had only been a few hours since she last talked to him!

Since she has gotten this boyfriend, she has pretty much not mentioned much of anything about the wedding except to e-mail me his address, assuming that he will get his own invitation.

I'm just not sure how to talk to her about this. I just want to know if she is still willing to be as involved as she asked to be, and not moping over not talking to her boyfriend for the past hour.

vsgal · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c02b74eb-5cd6-4a7b-a4df-3fb6ebcac72cPost:4de11199-1ca1-431c-b179-67ec48def477">MOH not sure....?</a>:
[QUOTE]I chose to not have my sister as my MOH. I am not that close with my sister and she lives about 8 hours away. I chose my fiancé's sister. We had gotten pretty close while my fiance & I were dating, she's really great with my daughter, and she's becoming almost like a sister to me now. She's only 19, so I am not expecting all those so-called "duties" that some people talk about. Obviously, the wedding day assistance and a little help here or there where I might want another females opinion. It was her who said that she wanted to go shopping with me and do stuff with me for the wedding in Sept. 2012. My issue is that I'm starting to get the feeling that I may have issues if I simply ask her to go shopping with me. This impression is coming from when she went wedding dress shopping with me. She told me that she wanted to come with me for that, so I invited her to do so. But while I was trying them on, after the first 2 dresses (I only tried on 7 total) she had this annoyed disinterested look on her face. She didn't even give any feedback. She pretty much had a bad attitude for the whole appointment, even while trying to pick out the dress for her. At the end of the appointment, she called her new (and 1st) boyfriend, and then her mood significantly improved. I asked if she was moody because she hadn't talked to her boyfriend and she said yes!! It had only been a few hours since she last talked to him! Since she has gotten this boyfriend, she has pretty much not mentioned much of anything about the wedding except to e-mail me his address, assuming that he will get his own invitation. I'm just not sure how to talk to her about this. I just want to know if she is still willing to be as involved as she asked to be, and not moping over not talking to her boyfriend for the past hour.
Posted by yakusoku82[/QUOTE]

She is 19 years old with her first boyfriend. Of course she is pre-occupied. Remember how you reacted at that age or with a first boyfriend. You probably were pre-occupied as well.
Honestly, watcing someone try on wedding dresses sounds painfully boring to me. I only brought my mother and my MOH because they begged me to go.

I would not even address this because it is not that big of a deal. Nobody will be as excited about you wedding day as you. That's OK. Mention that you will be doing certain activities and if she wants to go or help, let her. If she gets distracted, don't let it ruin your time.

And yes, you should probably invite her boyfriend. She should not assume that he is invited, but she's family and she is in the wedding party. If you have room, it is not worth a fight.

dragontrainer · February 2012

I agree with PP except for the 19 year old part. Although it is a bit sad to me that some 19 year olds are still so immature. At 19, I was in my second year in college and knew the difference between family and a boyfriend. Even if I would rather spend time with my boyfriend, I put my family first.

If it is important to you, talk to her and tell her how you feel. Tell her she can bring her boyfriend as a plus 1 (if you want).

vsgal · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c02b74eb-5cd6-4a7b-a4df-3fb6ebcac72cPost:fe72596d-0c80-4b56-89d7-f7d8eca391b4">Re: MOH not sure....?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP except for the 19 year old part. Although it is a bit sad to me that some 19 year olds are still so immature. At 19, I was in my second year in college and knew the difference between family and a boyfriend. Even if I would rather spend time with my boyfriend, I put my family first. If it is important to you, talk to her and tell her how you feel. Tell her she can bring her boyfriend as a plus 1 (if you want).
Posted by jwmccormick[/QUOTE]

Not everyone is like you. Obviously, this is her first guy and she is head over heels. You can't expect everyone else to behave how you did. Her priority now is her boyfriend. That doesn't put her at fault. That makes her a teenager with a first love.

mbcdefg · February 2012

There's no nice way to say to her, "You're paying too much attention to your boyfriend and not enough attention to me and my wedding." So, figure out a way to just deal with it. Either invite her along and accept the fact that she's nog going to devote all of her attention to you, or if she annoys you that much then don't invite her dress shopping. And if they're still together by the time invites go out then the boyfriend should be invited.

yakusoku82 · February 2012

I completely understand the whole "first boyfriend" thing. I get that. My thing is that she asked to be a part of this. For me, if she doesn't really want to anymore, then it would be the same as having my absent sister as my MOH... essentially pointless. I get that dress shopping can be boring, but she asked to be included. It's just, if she isn't interested in being included anymore, I want to know.

Also, if she is still with her boyfriend at the time, then he will be included as a plus one... but boyfriends just don't get personal invites.

vsgal · February 2012

She may have asked to be involved, but she was obviously not into it that day. It was only dress shopping. Not a big deal, for her at least. You need to realize that the only thing the bridal party has to do is buy their dress and show up sober on the wedding day. Pre-wedding parties, planning, favor building, printing invites and your dress shopping are not mandatory. It sucks that she is not 100% into you right now, but you can't get bogged down by her reactions. Go with the flow. If you want to have a lasting relationship with her, you have to let this go.

yakusoku82 · February 2012

Is it really that wrong to want your MOH to be somewhat interested, or at least to pretend that they are? It seems that a lot of brides on here who just wants even a tiny bit of interest from their MOH, is told to "get over it" and not to expect anything. These MOH's are told what the bride expects from the get go. I made sure to explain. I mean really. That's what you do when you commit to something and then for whatever reason lose interest.... you fake it until the commitment is over. Is it really wrong to not want "debbie downer" to behave like a depressed little 5 y.o. if we do something together? That's why I want to talk to her. It's hard not to get down yourself, when the person with you is behaving that way. I just want to ask her if she is really up to this. If she isn't, my feelings won't be hurt and I won't ask my sister to be MOH instead. I would ask my mother or have no MOH at all. At least I wouldn't get an unresponsive, blank stare if I do it on my own.

vsgal · February 2012

Is it really that wrong to want your MOH to be somewhat interested, or at least to pretend that they are? It seems that a lot of brides on here who just wants even a tiny bit of interest from their MOH, is told to "get over it" and not to expect anything. These MOH's are told what the bride expects from the get go. I made sure to explain. I mean really. That's what you do when you commit to something and then for whatever reason lose interest.... you fake it until the commitment is over. Is it really wrong to not want "debbie downer" to behave like a depressed little 5 y.o. if we do something together? That's why I want to talk to her. It's hard not to get down yourself, when the person with you is behaving that way. I just want to ask her if she is really up to this. If she isn't, my feelings won't be hurt and I won't ask my sister to be MOH instead. I would ask my mother or have no MOH at all. At least I wouldn't get an unresponsive, blank stare if I do it on my own

yakusoku82

Here's the thing. It is not unreasonable to want your bridal party to care a little bit about what is going on in the wedding process. You, as the bride, want them to share in your excitement of planning, shopping and executing wedding projects. I mean, hopefully you only get married once. You may not have an opportunity to do these things again. Where you are losing sight is that not everyone will be as excited as you.

We tell you to get over it and not have high expectations so that you don't get upset and do something irrational and unfixable, like asking her to step down because you don't feel she is doing what you think she should be doing or behaving the way you would behave. To you, it is polite to feign interest in something you don't want to do in order to make someone happy. That behavior comes with maturity. Maturity is learned and developed over time. It is not ingrained in our DNA as a known behavior. She has not developed that maturity level yet. She is distracted by other things right now. Does that make her a bad person? No. Does that make her a crap MOH? No.

Asking her if she is up to this implies that you don't think that she is. You demote her because you are not happy, you essentially end that relationship. Are you willing to lose her? Is this the hill that you want to die on? I would much rather get a blank stare and shrug it off than boot her and come off as a witch to my future family. That is what will happen.

The only thing you need to do at this point is be the mature one and let it go. Don't let her behavior ruin your excitement. I will be honest, you come off as a bit jealous. You want her attention and she is giving it to someone else, which is upsetting you. You can't control her behavior, but you can control your reaction to her behavior. Continue to do your thing. Invite her to do stuff with you with no pressure or backlash if she says no. If she is distracted during whatever, roll with it. This is not the end of world.

yakusoku82 · February 2012

I'm not looking to rave about my wedding. i would just like it if she kept her bad attitude to herself. Her behavior has become a somewhat ongoing thing these past few months. At this point my 3 y.o. is acting more mature than she is. If she doesn't get things exactly how she likes, she gets moody, and will literally ignore you, when you are with her or storm off and not talk to you. I am including my daughter in a lot of the things I am doing, but with both of them it's like I have 2 children with me. I also don't want my daughter to pick up on her behavior. She has walked off just because my daughter didn't color in the lines like she wanted her to. She's 3... what 3 y.o. pays attention to the lines. That caused my daughter to start crying because she couldn't understand why she walked away and wouldn't play with her. I have already talked to my fiance and he says he understands my concerns and that I should talk to her. Either way, the issues about her behavior will come to a head, and NO, I no longer think she is capable. I now think asking her was a mistake.

An attitude adjustment is all I'm interested in, and the fact that the boyfriend is nt invited when it comes to wedding stuff. My fiance is helping with almost everything. She did not pay for her dress, I'm not asking for a shower or a bachelorette party, I'm not asking for help with addressing invites or making the favors... nothing.

I was looking for advice on how to talk to her, not on how to put up with her. I don't "put up" with that behavior from my kid and I definitely won't with her.

vsgal · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-not-sure?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c02b74eb-5cd6-4a7b-a4df-3fb6ebcac72cPost:a81755ed-df8e-4ec5-9ac3-67ed49fb5cb6">Re: MOH not sure....?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not looking to rave about my wedding. i would just like it if she kept her bad attitude to herself. Her behavior has become a somewhat ongoing thing these past few months. At this point my 3 y.o. is acting more mature than she is. If she doesn't get things exactly how she likes, she gets moody, and will literally ignore you, when you are with her or storm off and not talk to you. I am including my daughter in a lot of the things I am doing, but with both of them it's like I have 2 children with me. I also don't want my daughter to pick up on her behavior. She has walked off just because my daughter didn't color in the lines like she wanted her to. She's 3... what 3 y.o. pays attention to the lines. That caused my daughter to start crying because she couldn't understand why she walked away and wouldn't play with her. I have already talked to my fiance and he says he understands my concerns and that I should talk to her. Either way, the issues about her behavior will come to a head, and NO, I no longer think she is capable. I now think asking her was a mistake. An attitude adjustment is all I'm interested in, and the fact that the boyfriend is nt invited when it comes to wedding stuff. My fiance is helping with almost everything. She did not pay for her dress, I'm not asking for a shower or a bachelorette party, I'm not asking for help with addressing invites or making the favors... nothing. I was looking for advice on how to talk to her, not on how to put up with her. I don't "put up" with that behavior from my kid and I definitely won't with her.
Posted by yakusoku82[/QUOTE]

In your original post, you said the was great with your daughter. Which is it? I'm confused.

If you don't want her in the wedding party, boot her out. There are consequences. You will lose any chance to have a relationship with her--ever. You will look like a bridezilla to her family and others around you. You will look like the three year old throwing a temper tantrum because you are not getting your way. There is no polite way to talk to her. It is not your business how she spends her time. You are not her mother. It is not your place to correct her or give her an atitude adjustment. Technically, she is an adult and she can do as she pleases. Nobody is going to tell you how to discipline her. It is ridiculous that you think that you are entitled to do so.

I don't understand why this is so hard for you to let go. It was dress shopping for your dress. It's not like she said she would not come to wedding.

I don't put up with crappy behavior either, but I also take it in context. You are not doing that. You are assuming that she has to be 100% involved in whatever activity she chooses to go to. Have you never gone someplace that you did not want to be after you said you would go? Her being moody and giving you the silent treatment does not make her a crappy and replaceable MOH. It makes her immature. And if you let her behavior dictate your enjoyment, you are just as immature as she is. If she makes you that miserable, stop asking to go do things with you. Give her some dress choices and tell her what day and time to show up to the wedding.

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