MOH Problem

Re: MOH Problem

• sarahandmatt09 member

  

  August 2009

  My FI and I had a fight and I was venting to her. I told her I was afraid he was going to leave me. To give you some background, I came from a divorced family and have always had that nagging fear that I would get left. Not just by a man but by anyone. Don't worry the FI and I are going to premarital counseling to work on communicating so I don't jump to any conclusions like that. It is really silly that I jump to that conclusion.So back to the conversation with the MOH. I told her I thought he was going to leave me (looking back I realize I was being dramatic. He wasn't going to leave me over picking out a photographer for the wedding. Again very strange and insecure about being left). Now everything I say to her she says I am just trying to cover up my true feelings that I am regretting marrying my FI. Today she told me I was making a mistake. I guess my feelings are that getting married is a huge change for both my FI and I. We have both been on our own for quite some time and are set in our ways. We are being proactive in trying to communicate and join our lives together. I have read some books that say that the engagement period is hard time because you are readjusting yourself to be an us instead of an I. I need people that support us and can understand that getting married is a big change. I don't need people telling me I am making a huge mistake.Now with that background do you have any advice?

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• mbcdefg member

  

  August 2009

  It sounds like she may just be looking out for you. Which is nice, but she also needs to realize that it's YOUR life. If this was a recent talk with her, I'd let it cool off a while. Then maybe invite her out for coffee, and have a chat with her and explain where you're coming from and thank her for her concern. Hopefully she will come around and be supportive. And if you feel that she's not being a true friend, then I'd reevaluate the friendship entirely. If you don't want her to be a BM anymore then I'd really consider the friendship over unless she says otherwise.

  

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• emilykathleen511

  

  August 2009

  I can see where your MOH is coming from. It is natural for us girls to run to our gal friends when we have a fight with our sig other. Then when we make up, our friends never hear this side of the story. After this cycle has been repeated a few times, they start to get a negative picture of the situation. Perhaps you could explain to her what you did here? Just say that you have an irrational fear of being left, and the petty fight you were having with your FI brought out that irrational fear when you were unloading on her. You could then possibly apologize for unloading your emotions on her. They may have completely overwhelmed her to the point where she thought things were much more serious than they are.This is just what I'm gathering from what little you said on the board here. I could be way off base too...

  
  
  

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• PinkElephantsOnParade

  

  August 2009

  It sounds like your MOH was replying to you, based on the small amount of information that you gave her (which was only bad stuff).  If you're going to vent to a girlfriend, you might also want to gush the good stuff too ("FI was so wonderful today, he took me out to dinner, he makes me laugh so much..."). I don't know if living together is an option for you and your families, but I know that I have been living with my FI for almost two years.  We got engaged after living together for a year, and it has really helped us to learn about each other.  Now we know how to solve conflicts, compromise, divide chores, manage money, and even smaller things like "should we use your sofa or my sofa?"  Living together might help ease some of these fears.

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• banana468 member

  

  August 2009

  Can you talk to her to attempt to get more information but also to discuss with her the reasons why you ARE getting married?

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• sarahandmatt09 member

  

  August 2009

  Thanks everyone for the responses so far. I am going to give it a little time to cool off. We never talked about this, she told me through an email. The email also ended that she did not want to talk about my FI or the wedding anymore. I feel in a way she is trying to say she wants out but just won't say it. I wish she would be honest with me about this.

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• duckie1905 member

  

  August 2009

  The email also ended that she did not want to talk about my FI or the wedding anymore. Methinks there is more to this story than you were complaining about him once and she decided she no longer wants to discuss him or your wedding anymore. Is is possible that you have spent so much time worrying and expressing concern and anger towards him to her that she has decided it is a mistake? In that case, she would've decided this based on your words and actions. I don't think she is doing it simply because she wants out of the wedding. I think she is concerned about you based on the information you have given her. Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to take back anything you have said. Let her cool off and then, like someone said, invite her to coffee and have an honest talk with her about her concerns. Maybe if she has a chance to tell you what she thinks and you have a chance to respond, you both will feel better. As for the therapy, I'm glad you recognize that you need to be in couples therapy, but you need to get into some individual therapy as well. It is obvious that your past is seriously screwing with your present and if you don't start to get past the issues your parents' divorce caused it is only going to cause more problems down the road.

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• RockChickPiXie member

  

  August 2009

  I haven't been in this exact situation but mine was somewhat similar except the fact that my bff never told me what he felt and instead I had to hear it upon meeting his very drunk girlfriend for the first time in my life that he didn't approve of my fiance.  Well what it came down to was he only ever heard the bad parts of our relationship, the fighting squabbling anger parts never the sweet making up or everyday parts, we had a conversation we both apologized and he admitted he was making a one sided judgment and with the new information could see that he was totally wrong.  I cried and we got through it, maybe you need to have a similar heart to heart with your BFF and try to make her see that the fighting is not the only part of your relationship. However if she doesn't change her mind you should seriously consider having a talk with her about if she is comfortable staying in your bridal party let alone being MOH

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• jeannigirl member

  

  August 2009

  Even when we have forgiven our FI, others still see that their may be a problem and still hold some resentment against your FI. I have learned not to talk about this with close friends or family and will talk to someone that is outside of me and FI. (If you understand that)I had to go to some members of my family and tell them I was sorry for getting them involved in our drama. That in every relationship their may be issues that arise. Contact her and talk with her and find out why she feels its a mistake, and be honest with her and tell her that you both are learning from your mistakes and have choosen to forgive each other and move on and work to a healthier you and him to have a good solid marriage.

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