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Cat:Wedding Boards

Not Sure What To Think

Wedding Party

Not Sure What To Think

Are uneven sides okay? (Yes!) Can you kick out a pregnant bridesmaid? (No!) Ask the toughest wedding party questions here.

I have four people in my bridal party, including my matron of honor. I love all of them to death, but can't help but feel like they aren't much use. I don't know if that makes me a bridezilla or just

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Wedding Party

Not Sure What To Think

Are uneven sides okay? (Yes!) Can you kick out a pregnant bridesmaid? (No!) Ask the toughest wedding party questions here.

I have four people in my bridal party, including my matron of honor. I love all of them to death, but can't help but feel like they aren't much use. I don't know if that makes me a bridezilla or just

Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37

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Forums > Wedding Boards > Wedding Party > Not Sure What To Think

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Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 8:10 AM EST on theknot.com

SamanthaMarie08...

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I have four people in my bridal party, including my matron of honor. I love all of them to death, but can't help but feel like they aren't much use. I don't know if that makes me a bridezilla or just a bitch but it's how I feel. My matron of honor has been my best friend since 9th grade and we used to be inseperable (we both got boyfriends and then started seeing each other less and less). One of my bridesmaids is a girl I've known for almost two years and have gotten really close with since I started my job. The other two are my fiances sisters who I absolutley love to death. My Maid of honor is busy with her fiance, working almost 40hrs a week and being pregnant so she hasn't be able to help much. The bridesmaid I work with has two jobs and only gets about one day a week off, so she's always busy. The other two live a little ways away and both with kids, so I hardly ever see them. I always pictured going shopping, trying on my wedding dress, and doing all the stuff your supposed to do with your bridesmiads, with my bridesmaids. So far none of that has happened. None of them went dress shopping with me (I went with my mom and grandma), they didn't come look at locations for the wedding with me, and so far they havne't even seen any of the decorations or helped at all. It's really frusterating and a little depressing. Maybe I'm over reacting?

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 8:26 AM EST on theknot.com

zitiqueen

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Last: 5/23/2012

In Response to Not Sure What To Think:

Yes, you're overreacting. It's not their job to help plan your wedding. You are supposed to pick out your nearest and dearest to stand next to you, not whoever can tie ribbons on bubble wands the fastest.

Their only responsibility is to show up to the ceremony in their dress, stand next to you while you get married, and smile pretty for the pictures. Anything else is extra, and voluntary to boot. They aren't required to help you pick out a venue or go on cake tastings with you or be your unpaid bridal slave labor. That's your FI's responsibility because it's his wedding too. If you find yourself overwhelemd, hire a wedding planner.

fiancee = vag ** fiance = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born with jobs ** **They're called first loves for a reason -- more are supposed to come after. You don't get a medal for marrying your prom date. Unless you're imoan. Then you get an all-expenses paid cruise to the Mediterranean and you get to meet Jared Padalecki on the flight over while wearing your jammies. But still no medal. **

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 9:07 AM EST on theknot.com

msuprincess04

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Last: 5/24/2012

I know it can seem disappointing. The movies, tv, and books all make it sound like BMs are supposed to be as excited as you for your wedding. But, in reality, it's not like that. They all have their own lives too, and there are things in their lives that are more important than your wedding.

You picked them to be in your wedding because you love them and want them to be there. And that's the right reason. You didn't pick them because of their DIY skills. As for looking at locations, and checking out decorations. That's what your FI is for. It's his wedding too, not the BMs wedding.

Remember, your relationship with these people is more important than what they can do for you. Just breathe and you'll be fine.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 9:18 AM EST on theknot.com

calliopeia2013

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Yeeeah, all but one of my five bridespeople live several hours away, and two of them live in other countries. I didn't ask them to be in my wedding because I wanted them to be all wedding plan-y with me, I asked them because they're my best friends in the entire world. So I admit I do think you're overreacting. It's especially overreacting to be frustrated with them, if you mean you're frustrated with them for not helping; it's you and your FI's job to plan your wedding, not your bridesmaids. And I'm pretty sure that's what you mean, since you don't seem to think they're "useful" enough.

I do understand feeling a little bit down that your friends can't be there to do things like dress shopping with you, assuming they would all want to be there and are only not because of work and family committments. If it makes you feel better, dress shops never recommend that you bring more than two or three people, because often you end up with too many opinions and your own opinion gets lost in the mix. It's really best to go with just your mom and one or two other people.

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 9:27 AM EST on theknot.com

Maggie0829

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Last: 5/25/2012

In Response to Not Sure What To Think:

I have four people in my bridal party, including my matron of honor. I love all of them to death, but can't help but feel like they aren't much use. I don't know if that makes me a bridezilla or just a bitch but it's how I feel. My matron of honor has been my best friend since 9th grade and we used to be inseperable (we both got boyfriends and then started seeing each other less and less). One of my bridesmaids is a girl I've known for almost two years and have gotten really close with since I started my job. The other two are my fiances sisters who I absolutley love to death. My Maid of honor is busy with her fiance, working almost 40hrs a week and being pregnant so she hasn't be able to help much. The bridesmaid I work with has two jobs and only gets about one day a week off, so she's always busy. The other two live a little ways away and both with kids, so I hardly ever see them. I always pictured going shopping, trying on my wedding dress, and doing all the stuff your supposed to do with your bridesmiads, with my bridesmaids. So far none of that has happened. None of them went dress shopping with me (I went with my mom and grandma), they didn't come look at locations for the wedding with me, and so far they havne't even seen any of the decorations or helped at all. It's really frusterating and a little depressing. Maybe I'm over reacting?
Posted by SamanthaMarie0817

I stopped reading after the bolded part. You are correct, you are coming off as a bridezilla and a b*tch. You need to lower your expectations of what BMs are suppose to do. All BMs are required to do is buy the dress and show up looking presentable on your wedding day.

They do not have to go to fittings, or bridal shows, or help you pick out flowers or tie bows on favors, or whatever else you can think of. If you want help planning your wedding ask your FI, it is his wedding too after all.

I am guessing that your BMs have their own lives to deal with (families, jobs, responsibilities, etc). Just because you are getting married does not mean that their lives stop. And if your wedding is still a way off, they are probably not even thinking about it, because no one will be as excited about your wedding as you will.

For our wedding, my H and I planned everything. My two BMs were happy for us but I never once expected them to do anything for me because the wedding wasn't for them it was for my H and I. I also knew that they were busy (my MOH/sister lives in TX, has a husband and a daughter and a full time job while my BM lives 10 minutes away from me, but just bought a house, has a full time job and a boyfriend).

Take a deep breath and come back to reality.

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 10:14 AM EST on theknot.com

rlavach

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My MOH lives in another state & hasn't done anything. My BM lives 10 minutes away & hasn't done anything until recently. She's helping my mom & aunt plan a shower for me. That's it. My FI's GM lives out of the country & his BM lives in the same home with him, yet hasn't volunteered to do anything (not even help us move).

Guess what, who cares! It's not their wedding and not their life. My mom is really the only one who has done anything to help us. Absolutely no other family member or friend has. Am I mad at them? No. Will I no longer be friends with them or kick them out from their 'role' because apparently they can't handle it? No. Life goes on.

ETA: And my BM & MOH both work only part-time, live at home with their parents & have no SO to worry about. So it's not like they're just so hard-pressed for time. They could if they wanted to. Obviously they don't & that's cool.

My Bio

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 10:17 AM EST on theknot.com

MyNameIsNot

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Last: 5/23/2012

You are confused about the point of BMs. They are not there to help you plan your wedding. You ask them so that you can honor your relationship with them.

Once you realize that all they have to do is get the dress and show up, you'll be able to put it into perspective. And then if they do decide to do a little extra, you'll appreciate it.

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 10:26 AM EST on theknot.com

renegade gaucho

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Last: 4/26/2012

In Response to Not Sure What To Think:

I love all of them to death, but can't help but feel like they aren't much use. I don't know if that makes me a bridezilla or just a bitch but it's how I feel.
Posted by SamanthaMarie0817

Both!

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 10:55 AM EST on theknot.com

jemmini6

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First: 6/24/2010

Last: 5/23/2012

OP - stop watching wedding shows and movies and lower your expectations of what your BP is supposed to do for you. It's all a bunch of BS that the wedding industry derrived to get more money from you. And if you happen to turn into a bridezilla and lose all of your friends after the wedding because they can't stand you anymore, well...it doesn't matter much to the wedding industry because they got your money anyways.

I'm sure it sucks to realize that you won't have the 'dream' experience, but you said yourself...your BMs all have lives, and they can't just stop living them because you are getting married. So take a step back, remember that they are in no way required to help you with anything (that's your FI's job...it's his wedding too), and repeat this mantra "No one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you are". You'll have a much better time with this if you lower your expectations...

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 2:36 PM EST on theknot.com

PhoneCardLady

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Last: 5/22/2012

While I would hope that my two MOH's would be supportive of me, they may not! Of course, I may not choose to have a wedding party.

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 5:47 PM EST on theknot.com

iloveu4ever

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I am glad my MOH is helping me with everything! My mom too. My other bridesmaid isn't much help either plus we ask her to join to find bridesmaid dresses and she doesn't show up but anyway.

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/7/2012 10:17 PM EST on theknot.com

RetreadBride

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Last: 5/24/2012

The only thing you should do with those lists of duties that you see on wedding websites and in bridal mags is throw them in the trash.

Weddings are very much an industry, which does its best to convince you, from cradle onward, that this is The! Most! Important! Day! Of! Your! Life! and that it's all about you, the bride. They want your friends to believe that they're "bad" friends if they aren't willing to spend, spend, spend on attire, jewelry, shoes, and parties, and trail after you like fawning courtiers. All those things pump more money back into the industry.

Stop and ask yourself a question: did I ask my bridesmaids to be in my wedding because I wouldn't dream of getting married unless they were standing beside me? Or did I pick them because of what I think they'll do for me?

Their real responsibility: get the dress and show up sober for the wedding.

Your real responsibility: get married.

Remember that the wedding industry is finished with you once the wedding is over. They can't make more money off you, so could care less if you offended your friends and trashed your relationships over the One Perfect Day they spent millions in advertising to convince you was your right

"I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/8/2012 9:42 AM EST on theknot.com

Ali092011

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Last: 5/23/2012

In Response to Re: Not Sure What To Think:

I know it can seem disappointing. The movies, tv, and books all make it sound like BMs are supposed to be as excited as you for your wedding. But, in reality, it's not like that. They all have their own lives too, and there are things in their lives that are more important than your wedding. You picked them to be in your wedding because you love them and want them to be there. And that's the right reason. You didn't pick them because of their DIY skills. As for looking at locations, and checking out decorations. That's what your FI is for. It's his wedding too, not the BMs wedding. Remember, your relationship with these people is more important than what they can do for you. Just breathe and you'll be fine.
Posted by msuprincess04

I totally agree with everything here. My BMs have asked several times what they can do to help, but I feel like I can't ask anything of them. I'm not sure what I would even ask them to do! Wedding planning is time-consuming, but I can't see myself being incapable of tying together a hundred bags of Jordan almonds or whatever to the point where I need to disrupt my BMs' lives.

Movies and TV make it seem like if your BMs aren't planning elaborate showers or b-parties, or staying up late addressing invitations, they aren't doing it right. The fact of the matter is, people's lives don't suddenly become less complicated or busy because they're BMs in your wedding. If you wouldn't ask them to rearrange their schedules to help you with craft time any other time of your life, why would you do it for your wedding?

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Re: Not Sure What To Think

posted at 2/8/2012 7:56 PM EST on theknot.com

bunni727

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Last: 5/22/2012

I mostly lurk with a few posts, but I think I've seen one too many "my bridesmaids are useless" pity party posts.

Bridesmaids get the dress and show up. That is it.

Do you know what my bridesmaids are doing for the wedding? Neither do I.

I bought my dress with my mom. My FIANCE looked at locations with me. I picked a
color and length at David's Bridal and told them to give it hell. I have taken on an obscene amount of DIY projects for my wedding with no help. I never expected any, I understand how life works. No one but me cares about making 100+ paper roses from the pages of an old book, and I'm okay with that.
sheesh.

EDIT: I read my post again today and I sound SUPER hateful. I'm sorry for tha; it's more frustration with the pervasiveness of this idea of bridesmaids than it is with you. Everything I said was true, but it sounds meaner than it did in my head. What I was really trying to convey that my bridesmaids are completely supportive of the wedding, marraige, and me, but can be totally supportive without being totally involved, kwim?