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Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

Wedding Party

Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

Are uneven sides okay? (Yes!) Can you kick out a pregnant bridesmaid? (No!) Ask the toughest wedding party questions here.

I’m getting married in 117days, so you can imagine I’m under a little pressure. My best friend of 20 years and Matron of Honor has asked me to throw her a baby shower for her second child

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Wedding Party

Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

Are uneven sides okay? (Yes!) Can you kick out a pregnant bridesmaid? (No!) Ask the toughest wedding party questions here.

I’m getting married in 117days, so you can imagine I’m under a little pressure. My best friend of 20 years and Matron of Honor has asked me to throw her a baby shower for her second child

Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37

Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:04ca7763-d56f-4608-98b5-1ee2b3a2e4c9

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Forums > Wedding Boards > Wedding Party > Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

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Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 3:50 PM EST on theknot.com

cbaby206

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I’m getting married in 117days, so you can imagine I’m under a little pressure. My best friend of 20 years and Matron of Honor has asked me to throw her a baby shower for her second child who is due 2 weeks before the wedding. I normally would be extremely helpful, but I also did throw her last Bridal shower, and I can’t shake the feeling she’s being a little selfish and greedy. How can I tell her, without hurting her feelings that I would love to help out on a few small things and attend the shower, but I don't want the pressure, or the entire financial cost on me at this time?

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 3:54 PM EST on theknot.com

graysquirrel

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How rude of her to demand that you throw her a shower! Showers are gifts, not expectations. It sounds like she just gave you a mandate. Ugh. And I think that it is kinda funny that she demands it for her second kid. Lots of people only have it for the first one.

I would tell her that while you love her and are super excited for her baby to come, you just don't have the time and resources to do it right now but are looking forward to getting her a cute baby gift or contributing if someone else throws the shower (if you really want to do that).

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 3:54 PM EST on theknot.com

tpender13

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In Response to Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues:

Say exactly that. It's perfectly reasonable, and she should understand.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 4:04 PM EST on theknot.com

jsbt2014

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PPs have pretty much said it. You are not obligated, she shouldn't have asked, and nicely declining the main party planner position is totally fine!

As far as feeling like she's being selfish and greedy, I understand how you feel, but have you considered that maybe she asked because you did such a fabulous job, and she is worried that she (or anyone else who might plan it) can't pull it off like you? I only suggest this because I recently vented in a post about my friends not helping me after I planned parties for them, and that was brought to my attention.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 4:37 PM EST on theknot.com

deanozzi

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2 baby shower's to me is asking for a lot.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 4:43 PM EST on theknot.com

TiffannieF

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In Response to Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues:

I’m getting married in 117days, so you can imagine I’m under a little pressure. My best friend of 20 years and Matron of Honor has asked me to throw her a baby shower for her second child who is due 2 weeks before the wedding. I normally would be extremely helpful, but I also did throw her last Bridal shower, and I can’t shake the feeling she’s being a little selfish and greedy. How can I tell her, without hurting her feelings that I would love to help out on a few small things and attend the shower, but I don't want the pressure, or the entire financial cost on me at this time?
Posted by cbaby206

First of all, wtf....who asks for somebody to throw them a shower?! lol. Maybe she is being crazy prego hormones...

My advice would be "Friend, I love you dearly, and I want you to know that I would to help with coordinating some of the shower but unfortunately with the wedding I do not have enough time or money to throw you a shower that you deserve. Has anybody else expressed interest in coordinating a shower? Maybe I can talk with them to help."

Do you know if somebody else would be willing to take over? Like a mom or aunt or another friend. Maybe you can talk with them and say "Friend wants me to throw a shower but I just can't afford it right now." Maybe they will offer to help out.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 4:44 PM EST on theknot.com

MyNameIsNot

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I would just remind her that showers are inappropriate for second children.

Or say what PP said. It's nicer.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 5:06 PM EST on theknot.com

mbcdefg

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Damn, how rude. "Please throw me a party" - WTF? I'd personally say no just on principle, wedding stress or not.

"Sorry but I won't be able to throw you a party. I'm more than happy to help out with whatever I can once the baby arrives." Boom, done.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 5:17 PM EST on theknot.com

TiffannieF

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In Response to Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues:

I would just remind her that showers are inappropriate for second children. Or say what PP said. It's nicer.
Posted by MyNameIsNot

Is this a regional or cultural thing? In my family we have always thrown showers for every child. I didn't hear about this until my Assyrian friend told me and when you just said it.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 5:29 PM EST on theknot.com

ElisabethJoanne

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Tiffannie, a shower for only the first child is the rule in my 1958 etiquette book. I don't know how many communities/regions/circles of friends follow that rule. Showers are historically (and for a lot of people still actually) a way someone's friends help the someone fund a major life transition. The transition from 1 kid to 2 kids is not that big, financially, as from 0 kids to 1 kid. Baby #2 can use her older sibling's car seat, crib, toys, and clothes.

Except, not always. Car seats expire. Cribs get recalled. Toys break. It's tough putting a girl baby in blue clothes. I'd look askance in a situation like OP's, where it's the same group of people invited to the 2 showers for the same mother. But I think it was OK Mom had a shower for my little sister, as we'd moved from one country to another from when I was a baby to when my sister was born. Also, Mom's second shower was a surprise, so she couldn't decline.

If a circle of friends thinks of showers as being more about celebrating the baby than the gifts, that's totally cool, and they should celebrate each baby. But that's not the history.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 6:01 PM EST on theknot.com

Viczaesar

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In Response to Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues:

In Response to Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues : Is this a regional or cultural thing? In my family we have always thrown showers for every child. I didn't hear about this until my Assyrian friend told me and when you just said it.
Posted by TiffannieF

The shower is to help the mother-to-be transition from being childless to having a child. Once they've already had a child they should still have the major items from the first child, unless it's been 10 years.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 7:49 PM EST on theknot.com

MyNameIsNot

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In Response to Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues:

Having showers for the second child could be a regional or family thing. I've always heard the old rule, and second child showers get the side eye around here. If it's changing, it's news to me.

Although the parents may or may not have the big things, the parents bear the ultimate responsibility for providing for the baby, no matter what their history. But the production of a shower has always seemed to me to be about the transition from childless to parent more than about giving the parents everything they might need.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 8:11 PM EST on theknot.com

TiffannieF

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I think the people in my area are completely clueless when it comes to etiquette. Seriously, almost every aspect of the wedding I got REALLY bad advice from folks. It sucks for people like me, who have good intentions but were raised with people who do practice proper etiquette.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/6/2012 10:08 PM EST on theknot.com

RetreadBride

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The no-repeat showers for repeat babies is to prevent the guests from being gouged. That "but every baby should be celebrated" poop is exactly that. It's entirely possible for other people to love and welcome a baby without having to spend their money on it.

She was rude to ask you to throw a shower for her. Tell her you're sorry, but can't swing it. Let her gouge her friends with somebody else's help.

"I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/7/2012 12:16 AM EST on theknot.com

Kylieanne80

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Agree with all the other girls - I think it's rude that she ASKED you to throw a shower and inconsiderate that she would ask you to do it so close to your wedding. I realize weddings are one day but you're bound to have a lot on your plate in those final weeks and planning a stellar shower doesn't need to be added to the mix.

I think you said it best and ultimately only you know how to tell her in a genuine and sincere way :)

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/7/2012 2:26 AM EST on theknot.com

sweetcanadian19...

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It is rude of her to ask. Being so close to your wedding i would just say "i love you but i have so much other stuff to do that i can not plan that unfortunately, i will be running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make sure everything is going well last minute that i will not be able to find the time, nor be able to finance it".

As for 2nd showers, they are a faux pas but in my circle forgivable if the children are years apart (like 7 years++) or if one was a boy but the 2nd one a girl as the mom would have all boy stuff, not girl stuff. Those are typically the only exceptions. If the mom had no shower the first time around it is totally acceptable.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/7/2012 9:20 AM EST on theknot.com

Maggie0829

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Your friend was incredibly rude to ask you to throw her a shower. That just makes her sound greedy and needy.

In my area, a baby shower for a second child is looked down upon, unless like a PP said, it has been 10 or more years since the couple last had a baby because they most likely do not have any baby items stored away.

Tell your friend that you will help out with the smaller details when time allows but are unable to take the full weight of the entire shower.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/7/2012 9:45 AM EST on theknot.com

Habs2Hart

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Ya, for one she is rude to ask. You can tell her you are unable to throw it for her.

Showers up here are also only for the first born, typically. I have seen them thrown for other children if the family needs some help, but generally, it's just for the first one.

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Re: Pregnant Bridesmaid Issues

posted at 2/8/2012 10:57 PM EST on theknot.com

Hilraythebride

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I have never heard of anyone asking someone to throw them a shower. How rude!!

I would just say that I would love to but with my wedding so close I don't think I can take on another party to plan so close to the date and I can not commit to the financial obligations this time. I will be willing to help with whatever you are willing to help with such as day of stuff and putting things together.

She should understand!

"A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime"