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Are uneven sides okay? (Yes!) Can you kick out a pregnant bridesmaid? (No!) Ask the toughest wedding party questions here.

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Are uneven sides okay? (Yes!) Can you kick out a pregnant bridesmaid? (No!) Ask the toughest wedding party questions here.

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Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37

Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:76064cb9-56d2-4e94-9b8f-396877c309cc

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posted at 2/7/2012 12:04 PM EST on theknot.com

cpedraza713

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:10 PM EST on theknot.com

meganb1977

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There is no tactful or approrpiate way to "fire" her. The only event she needs to attend is your wedding. If you change your mind and exclude her from your wedding party she will likely be very hurt to the point it may end your friendship.

Anticipation...Anticipa-a-tion...

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:16 PM EST on theknot.com

jagore08

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In Response to Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!:

I have a large bridal party. 7 guys/7girls and one of the 7 ladies has been MIA for every attempt at an event since day one. She has been my friend for 10+ years but hasn't actually met my fiance. It's a weird situation where she lives far away, not out of driving distance, but far enough that it's hard for US to even get together. We have been trying to plan a day for all my girls to get together for their fitting and for lunch afterwards. I even offered to pay for her dress and she can pay me back if that helps her out. (she's had some financial issues) I made it EXTREMELY easy for her to say no when I first asked and she still said yes and was so excited to be a part of it. Now, 6 months later, we are trying to get things going and she can't make it because her 5 year old daughter suddenly has a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese at the same time as the dress fitting/lunch outing planned for this weekend. This event was suppose to be an opportunity for all the ladies to meet and get to know each other as well. For example, my groom's sister hasn't met two of my bridesmaids. The one that lives out of state has an excuse, but the 5 year old friend's birthday party on Sunday afternoon that has suddenly popped up, is taking a priority over her opportuntiy to meet the gals and really kick off the events of our wedding. What the heck do I do? I think it's time to "fire" her, but I don't know how to do so tactfully.
Posted by cpedraza713

Kicking your friend out of your BP because she won't skip a birthday party her 5 year old wants to attend (which if someone invited a child to a birthday party and the kid knew about it, that would be hard to say no to. Kids get really excited about these things especially since it's a Chuck E Cheese) is going to make you look bad. Your BM don't all need to meet eachother and become friends. These are your friends but they don't need to be. There's no reason that they even have to meet before the ceremony.

She has a kid. Things pop up that will take presidence over a dress fitting (which she can do on her own, it doesn't need to be a group activity) and lunch. You kick her out, you will likely ruin your friendship of 10+ years over something like this. Go with the rest of your BM and enjoy your time with them. Don't harp over this.

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:19 PM EST on theknot.com

froggatt.clare

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There is no 'tactful' way. And you won't be firing her since she isn't an employee. She is a friend.

She does not NEED to attend these luncheons and dress things. Yes, it would be nice to get everyone together, but not everyone can do everything before your wedding.

Once you decide on a dress (after asking each bridesmaid her budget and going with the lowest number), you give her the order info and the last possible date that she can get the dress. That's what you do.

At some point she must have been a very good friend, otherwise you wouldn't have asked her. Have you tried to make plans with her that have nothing to do with the wedding?

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:20 PM EST on theknot.com

Maggie0829

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1) The BMs do not need to know each other or become friends.

2) Her daughter trumps your wedding...period.

3) Not everyone has to be there for the fitting at the same time. If she can't make it the day you planned then plan another day when it is just you and her. Or she can get measured somewhere near her house and then call the measurements into the bridal shop.

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:25 PM EST on theknot.com

Hilraythebride

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There is no tacful or nice way to "fire" or "kick out" one of your BM. This will be a friendship ending move especially since its just over something silly like meeting up and picking out the dress.

She has a child, do you have a child? Do you knw what it is to be a parent, I think she is being a good parent by taking her childto that party insted of putting herself first!!

All any BM has to do to be in the wedding is purchase the dress and be there on the day of. Give the girls a deadline by when they need to purchase the dress so it will come in on time and leave room for possible alterations. If they don't do this, they have kicked themself out.

One more thing, you need to realize that no one is going to be as excited for your wedding day as you and it really makes me sad that you would end a friendship of over 10 years because she can't make it to some get together.

"A wedding is a day, a marriage is a lifetime"

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:27 PM EST on theknot.com

HeatherMKR

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In Response to Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!:

Now, 6 months later, we are trying to get things going and she can't make it because her 5 year old daughter suddenly has a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese at the same time as the dress fitting/lunch outing planned for this weekend. This event was suppose to be an opportunity for all the ladies to meet and get to know each other as well. For example, my groom's sister hasn't met two of my bridesmaids. The one that lives out of state has an excuse, but the 5 year old friend's birthday party on Sunday afternoon that has suddenly popped up, is taking a priority over her opportuntiy to meet the gals and really kick off the events of our wedding. What the heck do I do? I think it's time to "fire" her, but I don't know how to do so tactfully.
Posted by cpedraza713

Her child is more important than you. Point blank. Period.

If you don't want her as friend, kick her out. If you don't want her to come to the wedding, kick her out. If you never want to speak to her again, kick her out.

There are very few reasons to kick a BM out, and typically those are Jerry Springer situations. This is not one of those times.

There is still 6 months for everyone to meet.

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:30 PM EST on theknot.com

msuprincess04

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You didn't "hire" them, so you can't "fire" them. If you "hired" them, I hope you are paying them.

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:33 PM EST on theknot.com

maribeth721

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In Response to Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!:

1) The BMs do not need to know each other or become friends. 2) Her daughter trumps your wedding...period. 3) Not everyone has to be there for the fitting at the same time. If she can't make it the day you planned then plan another day when it is just you and her. Or she can get measured somewhere near her house and then call the measurements into the bridal shop.
Posted by Maggie0829

This

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:37 PM EST on theknot.com

MyNameIsNot

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You can't kick her out without ending the friendship. If you are ready to end the friendship, call her and end it. Her involvement with your wedding will end as a result. If you are not ready to end the friendship, suck it up and reign in your expectations of your WP.

Once you've asked her for a budget on her dress, send her the information on ordering. After that, if she doesn't get the dress or show up, she's taken herself out. If she does do those things, she's fine.

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 12:49 PM EST on theknot.com

amymaysa

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Like others have said, there is not tactful to do this and it will most likely be a friendship ending move.

Her child trumps your wedding..that won't change.
Great that you want them to all meet and such, sometimes it just doesn't work out. Every wedding isn't like in the movies where the wedding party becomes great friends. These are people close to you, they don't have to become BFFs

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 1:00 PM EST on theknot.com

Habs2Hart

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You cannot fire a bridesmaid because she is prioritising her child over an unnecessary pre-wedding day. That is rude, immature, selfish and just a horrible thing to do.

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 1:06 PM EST on theknot.com

calliopeia2013

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In Response to Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!:

You cannot fire a bridesmaid because she is prioritising her child over an unnecessary pre-wedding day. That is rude, immature, selfish and just a horrible thing to do.
Posted by Habs2Hart

THIS!!! Like, usually I think the ladies on these boards are a little too harsh with self-centered posters; this is the first time I've thought people were way too nice. Seriously, OP? You want to fire a bridesmaid because she'd rather spend time with her kid than go to your wedding "kick-off"? I just...don't even have words for how awful that is.

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 1:08 PM EST on theknot.com

jemmini6

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Ugh....

You would really throw away a 10+ year friendship because she took her kid to a birthday party instead of attending an unecessary shopping trip? What a great friend you are....

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Re: Tactfully "fire" a bridesmaid-- HELP!!!

posted at 2/7/2012 1:19 PM EST on theknot.com

TiffannieF

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I, personally, would feel guilty for missing my friend of 10+ years child's Birthday party just for a dress fitting that could take place after the party or the next day (or the next weekend).

I'm sorry that she is not living up to your 'expectations' as a BM, I'm sure it sounded like a fun filled day to have all your gals there but step back a listen to what PPs have said.

When you asked her to be a BM, it wasn't on the condition of her attending pre wedding events, it was because of your friendship. Please don't ruin your relationship with her just because she can't make it to fitting that she can do any other day of the year.

FWIW: I didn't have any lunch dates or fitting parties or whatever with my girls. They were both able to make it to both my showers (which I was honored about) and they were there on the wedding day but that is all...I loved every single minute of what they could give to me.

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Re: none

posted at 2/7/2012 1:21 PM EST on theknot.com

TiffannieF

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OP, you've already been quoted so we can see that you tried kicking out your friend just because she wouldn't drop her life for your wedding.

Don't get mad at us.

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Re: none

posted at 2/7/2012 1:46 PM EST on theknot.com

cpedraza713

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Ladies,

Let me retort by explaining what I should have said in the first place.

I was trying to ask about how to tactfully let her off the hook if she doesn't want to be a part of the wedding. I probably didn't write my post the best way to begin with but I just thought the facts would cover it. I'm not "firing" anyone. It don't think she "works" for me. She's a good friend that I want to let know that if it's too much trouble financially or any other way, that she doesn't need to feel obligated or feel she needs to lie to get out of something. I don't want the rest of this process to be miserable for her or make her feel like she 'can't get out of it'.

Thank you for all your advice. Most of your were helpful.

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posted at 2/7/2012 1:46 PM EST on theknot.com

Joy2611

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The one that lives out of state has an excuse, but the 5 year old friend's birthday party on Sunday afternoon that has suddenly popped up, is taking a priority over her opportuntiy to meet the gals and really kick off the events of our wedding. What the heck do I do? I think it's time to "fire" her, but I don't know how to do so tactfully.

This is cracking me up. Her kid is more important than kicking off your wedding events. It's not a slight on you - it's just life!

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Re: none

posted at 2/7/2012 1:51 PM EST on theknot.com

TiffannieF

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In Response to Re: none:

Ladies, Let me retort by explaining what I should have said in the first place. I was trying to ask about how to tactfully let her off the hook if she doesn't want to be a part of the wedding. I probably didn't write my post the best way to begin with but I just thought the facts would cover it. I'm not "firing" anyone. It don't think she "works" for me. She's a good friend that I want to let know that if it's too much trouble financially or any other way, that she doesn't need to feel obligated or feel she needs to lie to get out of something. I don't want the rest of this process to be miserable for her or make her feel like she 'can't get out of it'. Thank you for all your advice. Most of your were helpful.
Posted by cpedraza713

If she wants to back out of the wedding, she will. You don't have to encourage her...this will hurt her feelings as I'm sure it would hurt yours as well.

Remember (and I know its hard to think of it like this because there is much more to a wedding then one day to a bride who is coordinating their own wedding) a wedding is ONE day.

If she can't make it to some of the pre wedding events and the rest of the girls can then just say "I'm so sorry, we will definitely miss seeing you!" But leave it at this.

And yes, you did not convey your question probably as your first question how do I tactfully fire her as opposed to how do I let her know its ok for her to back out.

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posted at 2/7/2012 3:03 PM EST on theknot.com

Habs2Hart

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In Response to Re: none:

That is not a retort, that is backpeddaling. You have been quoted. We all know what you asked. You used the word "fire" in both your original title as well as in the body of your text. You wanted to kick her out, not "give her the opportunity to back out". So I call BS on you for that one.

You don't give her an opportunity. You leave it in her hands. If she can't afford it, she'll back out on her own. You can make it easier on her by having less unrealistic expectations. The only thing she is required to do is buy the dress and show up on the day of the wedding, clean and sober. Anything above that is extra and nice, but not required.

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posted at 2/7/2012 3:37 PM EST on theknot.com

calliopeia2013

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First: 11/9/2011

Last: 5/25/2012

Well, but, from your OP it doesn't sound like there's any reason for you to believe that she's having financial troubles with buying a dress, or trouble meeting the time commitment of showing up to your wedding and possibly your rehearsal dinner. She just isn't coming to one pre-wedding event that you wanted her to come to. Do you have any reason to think that she'd be "miserable" buying a dress and standing up for you on your wedding day? Because you haven't explained one here.

And if there IS something making her miserable, the proper response would be to ask how you can accomodate her, not asking her if she wants to step down (which she will almost certainly take as you attempting to push her out, and be rightfully hurt as a result).

I may be reading too much into this or putting the wrong pieces together, but...do you suspect that she lied about the birthday party because she didn't want to go to the fitting/lunch? If so, is there a reason you think that? And even if she is lying, is there a reason you would assume she's lying because she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid anymore, as opposed to because she didn't want to meet up with a bunch of girls she doesn't know and talk about wedding stuff? because...two different things.

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Re: none

posted at 2/7/2012 5:15 PM EST on theknot.com

zitiqueen

Joined on
08-20-2003
BOSTON

117307750003906

Posts: 3218

First: 7/22/2009

Last: 5/23/2012

In Response to Re: none:

she is, unfortunately, having financial trouble. She filed for bankrupcy. Thanks, I'm not back peddaling, although, I appreciate your attempt at making me look bad. The whole "fire" thing was just a word I used. A bad choice, I guess. Last time I ask for help online. Have a great day.
Posted by cpedraza713

Nobody attempted to make you look bad. You took care of that all on your own.

fiancee = vag ** fiance = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born with jobs ** **They're called first loves for a reason -- more are supposed to come after. You don't get a medal for marrying your prom date. Unless you're imoan. Then you get an all-expenses paid cruise to the Mediterranean and you get to meet Jared Padalecki on the flight over while wearing your jammies. But still no medal. **

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Re: none

posted at 2/7/2012 6:49 PM EST on theknot.com

MyNameIsNot

Joined on
11-19-2009
ATLANTA

5045942541864637

Posts: 7710

First: 11/20/2009

Last: 5/23/2012

Her financial troubles have no bearing. You ask her for a budget on the dress. She doesn't have to pay for anything else. If all she can afford is $20 on the dress, you realize that friendship is more important, and make it work.

But actually, what you should really do is forward this post to her. Your friend deserves to see who you really are.

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Re: none

posted at 2/7/2012 10:07 PM EST on theknot.com

RetreadBride

Joined on
12-19-2005
NORTH CAROLINA

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Posts: 12573

First: 7/20/2009

Last: 5/24/2012

God, please let this be a made-up post. Amen.

"I'm not crazy. I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years."

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Re: none

posted at 2/7/2012 10:19 PM EST on theknot.com

Viczaesar

Joined on
07-29-2009
SANTA BARBARA/VENTURA

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Posts: 1245

First: 10/25/2009

Last: 5/18/2012

In Response to Re: none:

Bullcrap. You're only changing your story now because you didn't get the reaction you were hoping for.

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Re: none

posted at 2/8/2012 3:30 AM EST on theknot.com

sonya+adam

Joined on
01-03-2012
HOUSTON

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Posts: 536

First: 1/19/2012

Last: 5/17/2012

How dare she put her 5 year old child's birthday party ahead of your fitting, and, God forbid, your wedding! Who does she think she is?!

Seriously, it's her kid. If you think that your wedding should come before her child, you need a serious priority check. I really hope that if/when you have a child of your own, you have better priorities than you have now.

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