Unsupportive Bridesmaid

Stephileigh84 · October 2009

So, I'm new to all this wedding stuff, being the only girl in my family... and subsequently now the only girl in my fiance's as well... so I don't know how to deal with the difficult issues... such as an unsupportive bridesmaid.She was all squeals and tears upon the announcement of our engagement... but now (only a month later), not so much.She recently told me that she bet my other maids that we would break up by christmas and I would call off the wedding. Not only did she say this to me, but she has said this to other people as well. It hurts even more that I chose her over another friend who is genuinely excited for me and very very supportive of my engagement and upcoming marriage. So... how do I deal with this? Does anyone else have a similar issue, or any advice? I'd really appreciate it.

Stephileigh84 · October 2009

But is it really gossip since she said it to my face? And, I have avoided any wedding talk with her since... but her words still linger...

bablingbrooke · October 2009

That's really bad that she's suggesting that you'll break up before Christmas! With a friend like that, who needs enemies? "Friend, if you don't support the marriage, I understand if you don't want to stand up with us." If this is really a fluke and you don't want to jeopardize the friendship, I would also suggest cooling the wedding talk for a little while and see what happens. It sounds like she's upset that you're getting married (did she just end a relationship? has she been in one for a long time and the guy won't propose? divorced? something that would explain this?). You may be talking about it more than you realize. I have no idea if that's the case, just a thought.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Let it go a while. There's nothing that she needs to be excited for right now.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Sorry didn't see your second post. Strike the second half of my advice.

xxjessmicaxx · October 2009

I'm so sorry to hear that! Find a new bridesmaid for sure. You don't need negative people destroying your special day.

Alko726 · October 2009

That's really crappy of her to bet that the two of you would break up and that you'd call the wedding of. Where did that come from and why would she ever even think to say that?! Was she joking? FWIW, I'd be hurt as well... Can't really offer any advice as to how to deal with it though -- the other knotties on here are great for that.

Alko726 · October 2009

of = off*

NortonMyers · October 2009

It really doesn't matter if you are 9 months or 9 days from your wedding... a true friend has no business making bets, verbal or otherwise, about the length of your relationship. As far as her being excited... unless I am reading your message wrong... it's not about her jumping up and down and getting all excited , but about her complete opposite, distructive attitude?? I agree with others that she would not be as excited as you this far out, but the bet is another extreme entirely and should not be tolerated! I would handle it this way if I were in your shoes: Ask her to curtail her comments if she would truely like to be in your wedding party. If she does not, or is otherwise refuses to give you her support and blessing, ask her to step down from the position. Also, if you have another friend that you would like to stand up- ask her!! You may regret not having her at your side- especially if you have to deal with the unsupportive bridesmaid on your big day- she may just act as a buffer! You'll be under enough pressure that day already! These days, the number of bridesmaids to groomsmen is very subjective. In the future, I suspect you wont care if you had an extra bridesmaid, but you may care that you chose one over another!Good Luck!

banana468 · October 2009

Ditto Retread and Babling. Saying, "This really hurts me when you make comments like that. If you think you can't support the wedding then I understand if you don't want to be standing up there to support it."I'd avoid the wedding talk for now though. She may be suffering from "Always a Bridesmaid And Never A Brideitis".

dsouldiva · October 2009

Her not being excited about the wedding a month after your engagement is not something to be worried about, most people have very little interest in other people's wedding until the actual day. That doesn't make them a bad friend or a bad person, other people's wedding planning is just not as fun to them as it is to you (or any other bride)That said, she is a complete idiot for making bets about you and your FI breaking up, especially since she said it to your face, ditto to PPs "if that's how you feel I completely understand that you would want to step down as bridesmaid although I hope you can come around to the idea and still come to the wedding"GL x

ffmaid · October 2009

Her not being as excited a month later is reasonable as honestly there is nothiong for her to be excited by. However re the break up by christmas I would ask her why she said that! Maybe she knows something or has some reservations that are worth listening to. ( ie if she knows fi is cheating, lying , ect) Or maybe she is mean. I would ask her to explain the comment. I would listen to the explination and judge if reasonable or not

ffmaid · October 2009

fyi- There is not chosing one over another as there is not limit on how many BM you can have so if you want the other friend as bm you can ask her unrelated to how this drama unfolds with friend #1

mbcdefg · October 2009

What was the context behind the "bet"? Was it a serious bet, with money involved? Is she the person who always makes this kind of joke? Is this a new behavior for her?

swim1011 · October 2009

a BM telling me she's taking bets on whether the wedding would be called off is probably a deal breaker for me. IF she's a very close friend, I would try and see if there's an underlying reason for her nastiness. If not, I'd follow the advice the ladies gave you above.

CTGirl30 · October 2009

How awful that she would tell you she is taking bets on your relationship ending and calling off the wedding in the next 2 months. Not being as excited as the bride is one thing (and completely normal and understable - after all, it's not her wedding) but being outright mean is quite another. You know your friend better than anyone on here does, of course. Is this out of character for her? Or is she prone to being snarky or taking shots at other people's happiness? Either way, you asked how to deal with it. I agree with the ladies who said the best way would be to talk privately with her, tell her that her comments have been very hurtful to you, and that you don't need the negative energy. If she cannot support your marriage then perhaps she'd rather attend as a guest instead of stand by you as you exchange your vows.

danielle.dugas · October 2009

Ask her why she said that - was it a joke? or did she mean it? If it was a joke - tell her it was insensitive and hurt your feelings, then move on. If she meant it - I don't think she should be in your wedding. That is not a friend, and how can she stand up next to you 'supporting' the wedding if she doesn't believe in it?

sfeliu · October 2009

Well I had a bridesmaid who has been a friend of mine for 6 years. She met my fiance before I did and they became pretty good friends. She actually introduced us and although we've grown apart over the years, her and I have always kept in touch. When we announced our engagement she even picked out the ring with my fiance and months later when I call her and text her to go dress shopping she doesn't answer me. She then gets a hold of me because me fiance told her to contact me and she told me she was unable to go with me. Long story, short she told my fiance that the only reason i wanted her to be a bridesmaid was because i felt obligated due to her and him being so close. I pretty much told her that I thought her and I had a stronger friendship then that and she obviously did not have the time to put in the effort so I cut her from the bridal party and replaced her.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Long story, short she told my fiance that the only reason i wanted her to be a bridesmaid was because i felt obligated due to her and him being so close. I pretty much told her that I thought her and I had a stronger friendship then that and she obviously did not have the time to put in the effort so I cut her from the bridal party and replaced her. That is so not a fireable offense.

mbcdefg · October 2009

I pretty much told her that I thought her and I had a stronger friendship then that and she obviously did not have the time to put in the effort so I cut her from the bridal party and replaced her. WOW. You replaced her? Boy, your lucky replacement must feel wonderful knowing that she's a stand-in for someone who wasn't willing to put in the "effort" to go dress shopping with you.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

The point is that you shouldn't "cut' a BM for the reasons you did. She really didn't do anything wrong. She didn't call you back about dress shopping and she told your FI that she didn't feel like you asked her because you liked her. Hardly anyone would agree that this is an unforgivable sin that warrants kicking a BM out. How does your FI feel about you kicking her out?

sfeliu · October 2009

he actually doesnt even want to invite her because there were a lot of other things she said. hurtful things. rude things.i just mentioned the "effort" thing as the focus point of the short story because it started the whole thing. shes still a friend of mine and she is invited and ofcourse i didnt tell her "you're cut cause you dont have time for me." the girl has her own life, many little factors led to the fact that she didnt want to do it and it was "cramping her schedule" [exact words] hence, talk to the moron making predictions to see if her heart is really in it or if she too feels obligated.

bablingbrooke · October 2009

Ah. I'm all for asking someone to not be in your wedding if they do things that would end the friendship anyway (i.e. saying to your face that your marriage won't last, being a bad person in general, hitting on your FI, etc.). I definitely think that's OP's situation. And it sounds like neither of you wanted anything to do w her anymore.

mbcdefg · October 2009

Alright, that makes more sense, then. My apologies (although I still don't think that bringing in a replacement was the right move).

sfeliu · October 2009

no hard feelings :] . and lucky for me the replacement was someone who wanted to be a BM from the beginning but i only wanted a certain amount of BMs. so when this one was no longer then the replacement was ecstatic. she's actually been helping out a lot with all the arrangements. so it works out perfectly.

peachkins · October 2009

I've got to say, if your friend is being serious, I don't know how comfortable I would feel with having her in the BP. It would be one thing for your friend to seem unsupportive because she's not helping with all the wedding details and acting giddy about it all the time. It's quite another thing for her to be openly opposed to your marriage, or at least thinking it's a mistake, and actually telling you this to your face. I would definitely have to have a talk with her about it, and I think if it were me I would probably give her a way out of the BP if she feels so strongly.

Stephileigh84 · October 2009

Oh, yikes. Maybe you could just get them something small? I def wouldn't go all out... : (I'm sorry, that really sucks.

banana468 · October 2009

I think it's unfortunate when a friend opts to sleep rather than attend the shower (assuming that she doesn't have a 3rd shift job).That said, still buy small tokens as gifts for them. The gifts are for being BMs - not for WHAT they do like a reward for good behavior.

paula2131 · October 2009

I admit, I didn't read all the responses, but back to the OP... I think it's 2 very different situations for a BM to not be as excited as you for your wedding and a BM taking bets that your relationship will fail and to do it not-so-subtly. Of course, no one is going to be as excited as you for your own wedding but it sounds like this girl is doing something else entirely. I agree that you can let things cool for a while, but if it keeps up or escalates, then it should be addressed.

Unsupportive Bridesmaid

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