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Wedding Party

Trouble with Bridesmaid

I have a bridesmaid that I have been friends with for a long time.  She is also the Groom's sister.  When I asked her to go dress shopping, she said she was strapped for cash.  I then told her I would pay for it and she could pay me back, make payments, or she could just come look with us for ideas for when she had more money.  She said she was paycheck to paycheck and just "couldn't find it in her budget."  She declined all offers for help because she said she didn't want to stress of her owing me money.  A few days later, I showed her a color swatch and she asked me if she could keep it to find another dress (I am only requiring that the material and color match, they are not wearing all the same dress) at a different store.  I said yes, and told her a few stipulations.  A few days later after thinking I was making a big mistake, letting someone pick out a dress when I'm not even there, I politely asked her to make sure it was returnable in case it didn't match.  I have not heard anything from her since, and neither has my groom.  This morning, she posted that she doesn't understand the mentality of spending thousand of dollars to get married because it is about the couple (I'm not sure if it was about me or if it is just my paranoia) The dress cost would be up to her, and the other girl's dresses were about 150.  Am I being unreasonable?  Or is she making things more difficult?  How should I handle the situation?  When she was the maid of honor in her other brother's wedding, she was late for the wedding, showed up with a hickey, and the bride threw her own bacheloretter party.  I don't want to have confrontation because it is important to my groom and I that she stand up in the wedding.  Help!

Re: Trouble with Bridesmaid

  • What's more important to you?  That your husband to be's sister is standing with you or that the material she is wearing is a perfect match to the other dresses being worn?  Answer that and you've answered your question.
    image
    AKA GoodLuckBear14
  • You are being gracious by letting her pick her own dress that fits her budget. That is very accomedating. However, if she cannot afford it, then she can't afford it. At least she tried to be honest with you, but you seemed very determined to have her in the WP despite her budget concerns. 

    Some people just aren't in to weddings. She doesn't sound like she's a big fan of what you and your FI are doing, but that doesn't mean you're wrong to spend money as you choose. Same goes to her. 

    Honestly, what I would suggest is tell her to get a black dress, assuming your FI and his GMs are wearing black, and she can stand up on his side. That way, she can get even more leeway with color, or she may even have a LBD that will already work. That way, things are easier for her, and she still gets to stand up with you in the WP. 
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • That is a great idea!  And our wedding is only costing about 11 thousand, and it is an open bar and has 250 invites and a three protein buffet, so I don't think we did too terrible.  I don't know if my FI will go for it, I will have to talk to him about it.
  • chelseamc201chelseamc201 member
    Second Anniversary First Comment
    edited January 2012
    I had the same problem with some of my brides maids. The bridesmaids that were strapped for cash made arrangements to pay for their dresses at a later date, and my MOH got a different dress that was cheaper, and being that she is the MOH, I figured her having a different dress would be cool. 


  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_trouble-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:41d65999-67b6-4c81-b81f-c111fe6480d9Post:c015cb68-fc19-4df9-b661-6f56eefdb42c">Re: Trouble with Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]That is a great idea!  And our wedding is only costing about 11 thousand, and it is an open bar and has 250 invites and a three protein buffet, so I don't think we did too terrible.  I don't know if my FI will go for it, I will have to talk to him about it.
    Posted by cdc7755[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah just run it by him and explain how it would be easier all around. If he thinks having a girl on his side is strange, tell him it is very common now and show him some pics on google. You could even get her a sash in your BMs dress color, if you wanted. </div><div>
    </div><div>And yeah, I think you went above and beyond hosting a nice wedding lol. </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
  • I think she was insulted that you insinuated that she would fail at picking out an appropriate dress. You should've gone with your original plan and just trusted her.
    image
  • Either you let her buy a dress of her choosing or you don't.

    It was very gracious of you to let her choose, but follow that through by respecting that choice.

    Please also consider the fact that you are beginning this relationship with your future SIL on strain and discomfort over a dress.

    And in case you're wondering, I gave my girls the material, they picked some dresses online, picked a date to shop and invited me to come along. I will choose to have no opinion because I want them to be happy and they will be most happy when they love what they're wearing.
    Vacation White Knot
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_trouble-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:41d65999-67b6-4c81-b81f-c111fe6480d9Post:c75168f5-27e8-4ac5-b368-b537dc701ec1">Re: Trouble with Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think she was insulted that you insinuated that she would fail at picking out an appropriate dress. You should've gone with your original plan and just trusted her.
    Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

    This.

    OP, you told her to buy a dress and gave her her something she could match it to. Telling her it should be returnable, means you don't trust her and that the dress is more important then trusting her. She is about to be your sister...try to play nice.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

    image
    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • If She Knew She Was Living Pay Check To Pay Check SHe Shouldn't Have Accepted Being A Bridesmaid
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  • I don't know what was with the Title Caps Either.

    But that said, it's not an entirely unreasonable point. I've turned down being a bridesmaid because I couldn't afford it. I'm honored to be asked, but I know my own limitations. Standing up in a wedding does cost *some* money, even when you go cheap, and when I was living paycheck to paycheck, I had other priorities.

    On the other hand, this is a family member, and that complicates things, I think. It's important to the bride and groom to have her there, the OP said. The suggestion of having her on the groom's side isn't a bad one, but be careful your FSIL doesn't see that as you rejecting her as a bridesmaid.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_trouble-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:41d65999-67b6-4c81-b81f-c111fe6480d9Post:a0f59d14-07bd-401a-80e7-8bf8309d152c">Re: Trouble with Bridesmaid</a>:
    [QUOTE]Every time I see posts like this, I picture the scene from Father of the Bride where Steve Martin sees his daughter as a 5 year old. Cripe.
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]


    This. First and foremost, grow up. Let her pick a dress. What's more important? Her feelings or your colour scheme?
  • Sorry ladies, I had my computer set to capitalize the first of rvry letter since I was working on some things for the wedding and work.
    My point was that she knew when she accepted to be in the wedding that there would be some expenses she would have to pay for. She could have graciously declined if she didnt feel like she would be able to afford the extra expenses.
    I understand your concerns about her behavior in a previous wedding but you obviously overlooked that when you asked her to be in the wedding. I am wondering why you asked her if you knew this was the kind of behavior she had at the previous wedding? It obviously didnt bother you then so what is the issue now? As far as you asking her to make sure it was returnable I dont think that is a big thing to ask. I dont think I would ever buy anything (other then my wedding dress) that wasnt returnable. 

    Also as far as everyone questioning your empathy for her finacial sistuation. Dont feel bad. I recently went thru a huge issue with my sister and her dress and I got a lot of the same thing. Dont feel like a bad person because you want your wedding day to be perfect. Just dont get too carried away either. Everything will work its self out one way or another.
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