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Wedding Party

Bridesmaid Problems

Okay, I would like to preface this by saying I don't want to be a bridezilla, so I'm asking for advice because at this point in time, I really don't know what to do.

I have two problems:

One - a girl I asked to be in my bridal party is refusing to go along with basically anything that I am trying to do.  For instance, she doesn't like our color scheme (the BMs are going to wear lavender), because she said it doesn't look good on her, and she wants to wear a different color.  Also, when the BMs tried on dresses, I put it to a vote whichever dress the majority of them liked would be the one they would wear.  Problem is, she doesn't like the dress that all of the other BMs did, so she's refusing to buy it and thinks she should be able to get the dress she wants in the color she wants.  Any advice for how to deal with this?

Two - one of my BMs told another girl that I want her to be a BM as well.  Problem is, I don't.  How do I tell her she's not going to be in my wedding party without hurting her feelings or making her feel like she was cut from a job she supposedly was going to have?

Thanks!

Re: Bridesmaid Problems

  • one-I'd say, pick a color and length, then let them pick their own styles, that tends to look elegant, and they will all feel comfortable. two-mo idea how to proceed with that one, but there are some posters on here that may have some insight. also, maybe try also posting on chit chat or etiquette boards, they tend to be very busy, just put XP in the title
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • and, sorry for the lack of paragraphs, my iPad is paragraphically challenged :(
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  • Thanks for the response!  I agree with your first comment, but all of the girls except this one wanted the same dress.  I think it would look really odd if all but one girl are dressed the same, especially since she doesn't agree with the color OR length I want.  Is it rude to tell her that I would appreciate it if she would just suck it up (obviously with different wording) at least for the ceremony, and she can change for the reception if she wants?  I understand that people don't want to spend a lot of money on something they hate, but the dress is on sale for $50, so I don't think it's that big of an investment.
  • If you specifically require her to wear the dress, even if it's just for the ceremony, then you should pay for the dress. That being said, I don't see an reason why she couldn't change into something she likes for the reception! :)
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    Blue_Bird
  • Completely agree with hisgirlfriday13...on both.
    1.) I've been a bm where I had to not only wear a dress in gold (I'm ok with jewelry but it looks terrible on my pale skin) but corresponding shoes the bride picked and ill never wear again. Told the bride I didn't like the color before she picked it,, but at the end of the day I wore it (and the horrible shoes) and I would've never asked her to pay.
    2.) the other bm should definitely fix her mistake and without your help.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • One of the few things that isn't being a bridezilla is picking the color and style of dresses. If she doesn't like them then she is removing herself from your wedding. I mean it's the most basic part of being a bridesmaid ever. I have worn ugly dresses in colors I didn't like. That's what happens when you agree to be in a wedding. Now once I had to mention the cost was too high but when the bride found another cheaper version in the same ugly cover I bought it.
    keringtonpPrettyGirlLost
  • I think that you should have gone with a color and length to begin with, but you asked them to choose all the same dress, so that's kind of over with. I would simply tell her that this is the dress at this point, so while you're sorry she doesn't care for it, if she doesn't like it, you understand. She can still attend as a guest.

    As for your other issue, your bridesmaid needs to tell her she made a mistake and apologize. Not your issue to handle.
    keringtonp
  • And yes, I think your idea is a nice compromise.
  • Also agree with hisgrilfriday13.

    The only responsibility of the BM is to show up the day of in the dress the bride picked (within the BM's budget). 

    I picked a designer (anything from David's), length (cocktail length) and colour (marine). The rest was up to my MOH and BM. 

    I would let this BM pick a different style if she is not comfortable in the dress (even if it's different- I think it is clear the MOH stands next to the bride), but tell her the colour is lavender. 

    As for problem 2, I agree that this is the other BM's mistake and not yours to fix or feel bad about. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Another vote for @HisGirlFriday13 -- it is not wrong at all to ask your bridesmaids to wear a specific dress, that's pretty much their only requirement. I have never known anyone to ask their BM's which color they prefer to wear, as far as I have known that is always the bride's decision. However, as a bride it is never a bad idea to be sensitive to what color you are choosing and how your girls may feel.  But it sounds like you did everything well and had your BM's assist you in the decision-making process, and that this BM is just wanting to shift the focus to herself by dragging her feet and not cooperating.  If she does not cooperate and purchase the dress then she will not be able to participate in the wedding, simple as that. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Ladies, thanks for setting me straight, I'm still very new at this :)
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    ohannabellejenniferurs
  • Thanks so much for all the input, I appreciate it!  Final question - if the BM is still refusing to go along with my request even after I tell her she can change for the reception, is it fair to give her the ultimatum that she can either wear the dress or not be a part of my bridal party?  I would feel rude kicking her out, but I feel like since my only request is that she wear a specific dress (then jewelry, shoes, hair, and makeup are up to her), that she shouldn't treat it like such a burden.  Thanks!
    smalfrie19
  • MobKazMobKaz
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    member
    edited November 2013
    ginger2431 said: Thanks so much for all the input, I appreciate it!  Final question - if the BM is still refusing to go along with my request even after I tell her she can change for the reception, is it fair to give her the ultimatum that she can either wear the dress or not be a part of my bridal party?  I would feel rude kicking her out, but I feel like since my only request is that she wear a specific dress (then jewelry, shoes, hair, and makeup are up to her), that she shouldn't treat it like such a burden.  Thanks!


    Don't kick her out.  She knows which dress you have selected and the color it needs to be.  If she does not purchase the dress by a
    reasonable date, she has taken herself out of the wedding party.
    KeptInStitchesginger2431PrettyGirlLost
  • Thanks so much for all the input, I appreciate it!  Final question - if the BM is still refusing to go along with my request even after I tell her she can change for the reception, is it fair to give her the ultimatum that she can either wear the dress or not be a part of my bridal party?  I would feel rude kicking her out, but I feel like since my only request is that she wear a specific dress (then jewelry, shoes, hair, and makeup are up to her), that she shouldn't treat it like such a burden.  Thanks!
    The conditions of being a bridesmaid is to buy the dress and show up sober and smile in pictures. I would tell her that this is the option you have chosen and she has until x date (a REASONABLE date that is) to purchase the dress or you will assume she no longer wants to be a bridesmaid. 
    Anniversary
    image
  • I am having the same problem re: Bridesmaid not liking the colour scheme.  I have been told by many that we should word it in a way that basically says, "I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, however, this is a special day for me and something I have dreamt about for a long time.  I am firm with my colour choice and hope that you will support this.  Having said that, I am not going to force anyone to do something they do not want to and if you find you are not comfortable and wish to remove yourself from the wedding party, as disappointed as I would be, I would respect your decision"

    I chose the colour blue (cornfield blue) for the bridesmaids to wear, and they get to choose the style and dress (will be chiffon) so I thought I was being generous.  Some people just can't grasp that the day isn't about them.  

    With regards to the other girl.  Your bridesmaid really didn't have the right to speak out of turn.  I would discuss it with her first and let her know the situation she has put you in.  Maybe she can tell the girl there was a misunderstanding.  If you do have to deal with it, I suggest you either wait for the girl to approach you and say tactfully that unfortunately, there was a misunderstanding and that you have already chosen your maids.  NOW, if you are semi close to her, you could give her another role like guest book girl or something like that.
  • wbarwise said:
    I am having the same problem re: Bridesmaid not liking the colour scheme.  I have been told by many that we should word it in a way that basically says, "I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable, however, this is a special day for me and something I have dreamt about for a long time.  I am firm with my colour choice and hope that you will support this.  Having said that, I am not going to force anyone to do something they do not want to and if you find you are not comfortable and wish to remove yourself from the wedding party, as disappointed as I would be, I would respect your decision"

    I chose the colour blue (cornfield blue) for the bridesmaids to wear, and they get to choose the style and dress (will be chiffon) so I thought I was being generous.  Some people just can't grasp that the day isn't about them.  

    With regards to the other girl.  Your bridesmaid really didn't have the right to speak out of turn.  I would discuss it with her first and let her know the situation she has put you in.  Maybe she can tell the girl there was a misunderstanding.  If you do have to deal with it, I suggest you either wait for the girl to approach you and say tactfully that unfortunately, there was a misunderstanding and that you have already chosen your maids.  NOW, if you are semi close to her, you could give her another role like guest book girl or something like that.

    NO.  The only "roles" of honor are Bridal Party, Reader, and Guest.  Do not make her stand at a table all night instead of enjoying the reception. No one needs to man the guest book, or hand out programs, or anything like that.

     

    I agree with everyone else: you are completely within your rights to pick a dress and tell them to buy it (provided that it is within all of their budgets and modesty level).  If this girl doesn't buy the selected dress by the assigned date, she is no longer in your wedding party.  She sounds pretty high maintenance and annoying...and as unacceptable as this would be, it would be really hard for me to not say "oh, would you prefer to be a reader instead?  you can wear whatever you want!"

     

    Some people are the worst.  Sorry you have to deal with this OP.

    PrettyGirlLostginger2431
  • 1 - You set out how it was going to work (you'd all go shopping and majority rules), everyone went shopping, everyone voted and her choice didn't get picked. Sorry, snowflake (your BM), but that's how the cookie crumbles sometimes. Tell her that's how it is, to order by XX date, and if she doesn't order it you'll assume she doesn't want to be a BM anymore. It's not like it's a $300 dress that looks like a clown costume - it's a dress within her budget that happens to be in a color she doesn't like. She needs to suck it up on this one.

    2 - Tell your BM she's going to have to correct her mistake. It's really not ok for her to be inviting anyone to be in your WP. Is she doing this with wedding guests also? Have a conversation with her about boundaries. Let her know you understand she's excited but that it reflects poorly on her and poorly on you when she does shit like that... and to knock it off.
    *********************************************************************************

    image
    ginger2431
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