Rude BM wanna bes

[Deleted User]

So I've been engaged a few months now and we're not getting married until freakin June of 2015.

I've had one friend flat out ask me if she could be a BM, one friend offer to throw me an engagement party if I made her a BM (because that's a BM job?!? Wtf!), and one friend who I haven't been close to in a year (but have been friends with for ever) start talking to me again and give me a talk about who I "really" want in my wedding party, people I just met or people I've been friends with forever, even if I hadn't been close to this person or persons, I knew that I'd been friends with them for a really long time....

1) wtf?!? I have NEVER asked to be in anyone's wedding.

2) why would anyone WANT to be a BM?? It's a lot of work and costs money even if your bride is the most considerate!

3) Who picks their bridal party 19 months before the wedding??? I mean I'm a super planner and I want a lot of things figured out ASAP but not the bridal party!

Rant over... For now

bride2b71614

Well, its no one's job to throw any wedding related parties, but for tradition's sake, either a family member/close friend/relative are the ones who are supposed to take that responsibility, not you. At the same time your friend offering to throw you a party only if she receives the title of bridesmaid is pretty messed up. Its also pretty rude to ask whether or not you are a bridesmaid at someone's wedding. Do you feel as though people are coming out of the woodwork just to be a part of your wedding party? Then I can understand being upset. The best advice on these boards in terms of selecting a wedding party: who would you call at 4 AM to help you bury a body if you murdered someone? Those are the women you want with you. If people continue to ask about bridal party selections, bean dip the hell out of the conversation or change the subject immediately. Good luck. 

PolarBearFitz

clairekundinger said:

So I've been engaged a few months now and we're not getting married until freakin June of 2015. I've had one friend flat out ask me if she could be a BM, one friend offer to throw me an engagement party if I made her a BM (because that's a BM job?!? Wtf!), and one friend who I haven't been close to in a year (but have been friends with for ever) start talking to me again and give me a talk about who I "really" want in my wedding party, people I just met or people I've been friends with forever, even if I hadn't been close to this person or persons, I knew that I'd been friends with them for a really long time....

1) wtf?!? I have NEVER asked to be in anyone's wedding.

2) why would anyone WANT to be a BM?? It's a lot of work and costs money even if your bride is the most considerate!

3) Who picks their bridal party 19 months before the wedding??? I mean I'm a super planner and I want a lot of things figured out ASAP but not the bridal party! Rant over... For now

Being a BM is to buy a dress and show up sober on the day of your wedding. There should be no other work involved other than that. If anyone speaks to you about being in your bridal party just bean dip around the subject. They will get the hint.

vk2204

If people keep bringing it up just say, we are way too far out to even be thinking about that now - have you tried the bean dip!

IMathlete

We haven't set a date yet, picked a venue, anything, but my mom is already pressuring me about including my family in the bridal party. It's not necessarily bothersome, but I keep saying, we haven't picked a date, why would I be thinking about bridal party yet?

At the same time, though, three of my closest friends have just announced that they are in the wedding. I laugh about it, because I know that they will be (when I ask them), but no one has been asked yet). Luckily, these are real, current, VIP women in my life. If it were some random girl, I'd be very put off by it.

[Deleted User]

It's very weird to me. The girl who flat out asked has asked me twice and I have out her off both times but we've been eh-friends for like 5 years. Like let's go have lunch once a month friends and I would totes invite her to the wedding but it just drives me crazy!

Even if all a person had to do was show up sober and be in a wedding, that's work! And the smiling ugh and the pictures lol. But I think BMs end up doing a lot of things like wrapping up a million hersy kisses with notes that say "hugs and kisses from the mr and mrs" on them! Not all BMs if course but a fair amount!

itzMS

clairekundinger said:

It's very weird to me. The girl who flat out asked has asked me twice and I have out her off both times but we've been eh-friends for like 5 years. Like let's go have lunch once a month friends and I would totes invite her to the wedding but it just drives me crazy!

Even if all a person had to do was show up sober and be in a wedding, that's work! And the smiling ugh and the pictures lol. But I think BMs end up doing a lot of things like wrapping up a million hersy kisses with notes that say "hugs and kisses from the mr and mrs" on them! Not all BMs if course but a fair amount!

You can decline being a BM if you hate it that much. I personally am honored to stand up for my friends on their wedding day and smile in their pictures.

No BM needs to do any wedding task. Ever. It's called having a backbone and saying "Oh I'm so sorry, Bride, but I am unable to help with your favors/invitations/destination bachelorette party, etc".

You're smart to not ask your wedding party for another 9 months or so. However I do feel you should be honored that people are excited for you. We see probably a post a month from a sad bride who wants bridesmaids, but has no one to ask.

[Deleted User]

I am honored to be asked to be a BM too and it's not that I don't have a backbone it's that if I love a person enough to stand up for them in their wedding, I love them enough to do favors/invites/setups/etc but that doesn't mean that I don't heave a sigh a little about it when I'm asked. I'm super happy for all my friends and I love them to bits but it's work for me to be a BM and I would never ask to be one!

I would hate to lose any friends over this!!! I could see how if someone thought we were BM friends and I obviously didn't by not asking them to be a BM, how that could hurt their feelings enough to end a friendship

This is why people elope!!!

climbingsingle

1. No one is required to throw you an engagement party. 

2. Bridesmaids only have to buy a dress and show up on the day of the wedding. Not much work is required. 

3. You have really rude friends. 3 people have asked to be bridesmaids?!?! 

[Deleted User]

I would like to say that I not only would love an engagement party BUT the girl said it was the BM job not me and I turned her down. Even though I would love one, because of the crazyness of her offering if ONLY if I made her a BM!!

southernbelle0915

ClimbingBrideNY said:

1. No one is required to throw you an engagement party. 

2. Bridesmaids only have to buy a dress and show up on the day of the wedding. Not much work is required. 

3. You have really rude friends. 3 people have asked to be bridesmaids?!?! 

Exactly this.

OP - just out of curiosity, are you/your friends young? I remember conversations like "zomg when you get married I totally want to be your BM" when I was (a lot) younger, but I think most people grow out of that. I'm just wondering if this might be symptom of that..

climbingsingle

southernbelle0915 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

1. No one is required to throw you an engagement party. 

2. Bridesmaids only have to buy a dress and show up on the day of the wedding. Not much work is required. 

3. You have really rude friends. 3 people have asked to be bridesmaids?!?! 

Exactly this.

OP - just out of curiosity, are you/your friends young? I remember conversations like "zomg when you get married I totally want to be your BM" when I was (a lot) younger, but I think most people grow out of that. I'm just wondering if this might be symptom of that..

This is what I'm thinking too. I remember lots of conversations like that when I was in my 20s. 

kitty8403

aefitz29 said:

clairekundinger said:

So I've been engaged a few months now and we're not getting married until freakin June of 2015.

I've had one friend flat out ask me if she could be a BM, one friend offer to throw me an engagement party if I made her a BM (because that's a BM job?!? Wtf!), and one friend who I haven't been close to in a year (but have been friends with for ever) start talking to me again and give me a talk about who I "really" want in my wedding party, people I just met or people I've been friends with forever, even if I hadn't been close to this person or persons, I knew that I'd been friends with them for a really long time....



1) wtf?!? I have NEVER asked to be in anyone's wedding.



2) why would anyone WANT to be a BM?? It's a lot of work and costs money even if your bride is the most considerate!



3) Who picks their bridal party 19 months before the wedding??? I mean I'm a super planner and I want a lot of things figured out ASAP but not the bridal party!

Rant over... For now

Being a BM is to buy a dress and show up sober on the day of your wedding. There should be no other work involved other than that. If anyone speaks to you about being in your bridal party just bean dip around the subject. They will get the hint.




No, it's still a lot of work. Face it--at the very least, there's fittings, alterations, the dress expenses, getting ready, putting up with random groomsmen and strangers, coping with last-minute bridal panic (torn stocking or slipping veil, anybody?), getting your photo taken 967,000 times, and probably travel, lodging, and meals expenses on top of it. It is a job! Hats off to any lady who does it! :-)

kitty8403

#1 OP, totally with you! It's weird.

#3 I started picking about 10 months out. I don't really want a huge crowd so I only asked three people. But if FI decides he wants a larger party or we'd rather have someone else participate too, we can always ask more to stand with us.

PolarBearFitz

clairekundinger said:

It's very weird to me. The girl who flat out asked has asked me twice and I have out her off both times but we've been eh-friends for like 5 years. Like let's go have lunch once a month friends and I would totes invite her to the wedding but it just drives me crazy! Even if all a person had to do was show up sober and be in a wedding, that's work! And the smiling ugh and the pictures lol. But I think BMs end up doing a lot of things like wrapping up a million hersy kisses with notes that say "hugs and kisses from the mr and mrs" on them! Not all BMs if course but a fair amount!

Touche on the bolded (although minimal work) but other than pictures and standing up with you the rest is not required (IMHO).

[Deleted User]

I'm 26 and this is my 2nd wedding!!! I have no idea why my friends are being crazy!!! And they are probably going to shit when they find out that I already know who my MOH is going to be and it's not them and surprisingly that girl hasn't asked at all of she is going to be in my wedding AND she's has already offered up to help! (Which is because she's a kick ass person and my best friend!)

I've never thought to ASK someone if I could be in their wedding!!! And my friend who offered up they party in exchange for BM status is 36!!! That is not young kid age!!!

southernbelle0915

clairekundinger said:

I'm 26 and this is my 2nd wedding!!! I have no idea why my friends are being crazy!!! And they are probably going to shit when they find out that I already know who my MOH is going to be and it's not them and surprisingly that girl hasn't asked at all of she is going to be in my wedding AND she's has already offered up to help! (Which is because she's a kick ass person and my best friend!) I've never thought to ASK someone if I could be in their wedding!!! And my friend who offered up they party in exchange for BM status is 36!!! That is not young kid age!!!

All of this just sounds really dramatic. Just bean dip these girls, be low key about all things wedding related and carry on. Rude people will be rude. Period.

climbingsingle

I am dealing with a sort of similar situation. I'm 33 and this is my second wedding. I have a friend who is upset that I'm only have a MOH and no wedding party. She was in my first wedding. I would have thought she'd be happy not to have to buy another bridesmaid dress. She actually said to me, "Well, what if me and your friends just showed up to the wedding in the same dress." Ha! Good luck getting anyone else to agree to that. So, I sort of feel your pain, you know? 

photokitty

clairekundinger said:

So I've been engaged a few months now and we're not getting married until freakin June of 2015. I've had one friend flat out ask me if she could be a BM, one friend offer to throw me an engagement party if I made her a BM (because that's a BM job?!? Wtf!), and one friend who I haven't been close to in a year (but have been friends with for ever) start talking to me again and give me a talk about who I "really" want in my wedding party, people I just met or people I've been friends with forever, even if I hadn't been close to this person or persons, I knew that I'd been friends with them for a really long time.... 1) wtf?!? I have NEVER asked to be in anyone's wedding. 2) why would anyone WANT to be a BM?? It's a lot of work and costs money even if your bride is the most considerate! 3) Who picks their bridal party 19 months before the wedding??? I mean I'm a super planner and I want a lot of things figured out ASAP but not the bridal party! Rant over... For now

Not to be rude or state the obvious...but aren't you the bride self admittedly saying you want an "AW Engagement Party" in another thread?

This chick is rude, but at least she is solving your other issue and keeping you from being rude hosting an EP yourself.

It's not the BM job to host any parties, but she seems to be a good friend if she is willing to host one for you. She probably just want to make sure you think of her as good friend too - even if it is a weird way and thing to ask.

itzMS

kitty8403 said:

aefitz29 said:

clairekundinger said:

So I've been engaged a few months now and we're not getting married until freakin June of 2015.

I've had one friend flat out ask me if she could be a BM, one friend offer to throw me an engagement party if I made her a BM (because that's a BM job?!? Wtf!), and one friend who I haven't been close to in a year (but have been friends with for ever) start talking to me again and give me a talk about who I "really" want in my wedding party, people I just met or people I've been friends with forever, even if I hadn't been close to this person or persons, I knew that I'd been friends with them for a really long time....



1) wtf?!? I have NEVER asked to be in anyone's wedding.



2) why would anyone WANT to be a BM?? It's a lot of work and costs money even if your bride is the most considerate!



3) Who picks their bridal party 19 months before the wedding??? I mean I'm a super planner and I want a lot of things figured out ASAP but not the bridal party!

Rant over... For now

Being a BM is to buy a dress and show up sober on the day of your wedding. There should be no other work involved other than that. If anyone speaks to you about being in your bridal party just bean dip around the subject. They will get the hint.

No, it's still a lot of work. Face it--at the very least, there's fittings, alterations, the dress expenses, getting ready, putting up with random groomsmen and strangers, coping with last-minute bridal panic (torn stocking or slipping veil, anybody?), getting your photo taken 967,000 times, and probably travel, lodging, and meals expenses on top of it. It is a job! Hats off to any lady who does it! :-)

_______________

I hope you're being sarcastic!

How is getting ready for a wedding as a bridesmaid a lot of work?

I've been a bridesmaid several times. After doing my hair (which I would be doing anyways) I put on my dress and sit around waiting for the ceremony to start (which I would also be doing even as a guest). Is this not the norm?!?

How is being escorted by a groomsman for all of a minute total or getting your picture taken work?!?

*Confused*

climbingsingle

I think maybe some people have different definitions of "work". I've been a bridesmaid 6 times. Not for one wedding would I ever categorize what I did/had to do as a lot of work. 

One wedding I was in I had to wear a heavy dress and gloves and it was 90 degrees. 

Another wedding I had to wear a strapless dress and stand outside for pictures in February. 

And another wedding I had to fly to Jamaica. 

All of that - not a lot of work. 

ashleyep

I know we repeat over and over again that the only responsibility a BM has it to show up with the dress. And trust me, I'm a big believer in that - one of my BM's tried to back out saying she didn't think she could do all I was expecting of her. I told that I don't have any expectations of her and as long as she was planning on flying up for the wedding anyway, then there's nothing extra she needs to do. If she can't afford the dress, let me know and I'll help her. 

But let's be realistic here. Most of the time if you're a bridesmaid you're throwing a shower and/or bachelorette party. Not because the bride demands it, but because it's tradition and you want to. If you weren't a bridesmaid you probably wouldn't be doing it. I was happy to plan my friend's bachelorette party when I was a bridesmaid, but I don't know that I would have done as much if I wasn't a bridesmaid and hosting it. Although at that wedding a girl wasn't a bridesmaid was a massive help to me planning it, she made and brought a ton of food because she was a friend of the bride and wanted to.

So anyway, a bit of a tangent, that while yes, the bridal party doesn't have to throw any of those parties, they usually do, so it's not really out of line to say that being a bridesmaid is usually a lot of work. It's just something you do because one of your best friends is getting married and you want to do it for her. That's why I enjoy being a bridesmaid.

[Deleted User]

photokitty said:

clairekundinger said:

So I've been engaged a few months now and we're not getting married until freakin June of 2015.

I've had one friend flat out ask me if she could be a BM, one friend offer to throw me an engagement party if I made her a BM (because that's a BM job?!? Wtf!), and one friend who I haven't been close to in a year (but have been friends with for ever) start talking to me again and give me a talk about who I "really" want in my wedding party, people I just met or people I've been friends with forever, even if I hadn't been close to this person or persons, I knew that I'd been friends with them for a really long time....

1) wtf?!? I have NEVER asked to be in anyone's wedding.

2) why would anyone WANT to be a BM?? It's a lot of work and costs money even if your bride is the most considerate!

3) Who picks their bridal party 19 months before the wedding??? I mean I'm a super planner and I want a lot of things figured out ASAP but not the bridal party!

Rant over... For now

Not to be rude or state the obvious...but aren't you the bride self admittedly saying you want an "AW Engagement Party" in another thread?

This chick is rude, but at least she is solving your other issue and keeping you from being rude hosting an EP yourself.

It's not the BM job to host any parties, but she seems to be a good friend if she is willing to host one for you. She probably just want to make sure you think of her as good friend too - even if it is a weird way and thing to ask.

So let me see if I understand here, you think it would be okay to tell my friend that sure she could be a bridesmaid if she hosted me an engagement party so that I wouldn't have to be so "rude" as to host one myself? You think that "good friends" offer to host you parties on conditions like that they get to be a part of your wedding?

I won't be hosting my own engagement party but I also will not be accepting an offer to host one from someone who has conditions like "if I can be if your bridal party" and I feel like your views here might be a little skewed if you think it would be cool to accept that offer.

photokitty

clairekundinger said:

photokitty said:

clairekundinger said:

So I've been engaged a few months now and we're not getting married until freakin June of 2015.

I've had one friend flat out ask me if she could be a BM, one friend offer to throw me an engagement party if I made her a BM (because that's a BM job?!? Wtf!), and one friend who I haven't been close to in a year (but have been friends with for ever) start talking to me again and give me a talk about who I "really" want in my wedding party, people I just met or people I've been friends with forever, even if I hadn't been close to this person or persons, I knew that I'd been friends with them for a really long time....

1) wtf?!? I have NEVER asked to be in anyone's wedding.

2) why would anyone WANT to be a BM?? It's a lot of work and costs money even if your bride is the most considerate!

3) Who picks their bridal party 19 months before the wedding??? I mean I'm a super planner and I want a lot of things figured out ASAP but not the bridal party!

Rant over... For now

Not to be rude or state the obvious...but aren't you the bride self admittedly saying you want an "AW Engagement Party" in another thread?

This chick is rude, but at least she is solving your other issue and keeping you from being rude hosting an EP yourself.

It's not the BM job to host any parties, but she seems to be a good friend if she is willing to host one for you. She probably just want to make sure you think of her as good friend too - even if it is a weird way and thing to ask.

So let me see if I understand here, you think it would be okay to tell my friend that sure she could be a bridesmaid if she hosted me an engagement party so that I wouldn't have to be so "rude" as to host one myself? You think that "good friends" offer to host you parties on conditions like that they get to be a part of your wedding?

I won't be hosting my own engagement party but I also will not be accepting an offer to host one from someone who has conditions like "if I can be if your bridal party" and I feel like your views here might be a little skewed if you think it would be cool to accept that offer.

_________

I didn't say anything of the sort. I was being snarky and pointing out the irony between the two threads. Normally I'm not so snarky, but it's a Friday and I'm feeling a little rowdy i guess.

kitty8403

itzMS said:

kitty8403 said:

aefitz29 said:

clairekundinger said:

So I've been engaged a few months now and we're not getting married until freakin June of 2015.

I've had one friend flat out ask me if she could be a BM, one friend offer to throw me an engagement party if I made her a BM (because that's a BM job?!? Wtf!), and one friend who I haven't been close to in a year (but have been friends with for ever) start talking to me again and give me a talk about who I "really" want in my wedding party, people I just met or people I've been friends with forever, even if I hadn't been close to this person or persons, I knew that I'd been friends with them for a really long time....



1) wtf?!? I have NEVER asked to be in anyone's wedding.



2) why would anyone WANT to be a BM?? It's a lot of work and costs money even if your bride is the most considerate!



3) Who picks their bridal party 19 months before the wedding??? I mean I'm a super planner and I want a lot of things figured out ASAP but not the bridal party!

Rant over... For now

Being a BM is to buy a dress and show up sober on the day of your wedding. There should be no other work involved other than that. If anyone speaks to you about being in your bridal party just bean dip around the subject. They will get the hint.

No, it's still a lot of work. Face it--at the very least, there's fittings, alterations, the dress expenses, getting ready, putting up with random groomsmen and strangers, coping with last-minute bridal panic (torn stocking or slipping veil, anybody?), getting your photo taken 967,000 times, and probably travel, lodging, and meals expenses on top of it. It is a job! Hats off to any lady who does it! :-)

_______________

I hope you're being sarcastic!

How is getting ready for a wedding as a bridesmaid a lot of work?

I've been a bridesmaid several times. After doing my hair (which I would be doing anyways) I put on my dress and sit around waiting for the ceremony to start (which I would also be doing even as a guest). Is this not the norm?!?

How is being escorted by a groomsman for all of a minute total or getting your picture taken work?!?

*Confused*




Not the tiniest bit sarcastic.
Yes, the "job" is showing up in the dress. That assumes you spent the time and money to go to appointments or work with the bride to get the dress. You seem to be assuming the dress fits properly in the first place. If it does not, you will be spending time doing fittings or last-minute alterations (as happened to me one time when the strapless gowns we ordered came in several sizes too big).

Spending hours getting made up, hair done and your picture taken isn't work? Tell that to any aspiring model or actress.

And as I pointed out, you likely have travel costs. If you're going out of town, you also need lodging and will have other expenses. You might need childcare, or time off work. It is a lot to ask, and respecting that is the least we can do when considering WP members.

ETA: my MOH lives a couple thousand miles away. She has four kids and a chronic illness. Just standing next to me in the same state in a dress that fits her well is going to be expensive and demanding. I know that. I appreciate what she will be doing going in, and I definitely do not dismiss her contribution or effort as a trivial thing.

Another bridesmaid is a veteran headed back to college. A couple hundred bucks for some dress is no big deal when she's got full-time work, but it'll be another story here in a few months. For a lot of people, just buying the dress and getting there is burdensome, ok? It could mean hours of overtime or extra shifts. Traded in sick time or vacation days. Air miles they were planning to spend on themselves. Changes to work or school schedules. Acting like bridesmaids don't do anything at all is just insensitive.

Inkdancer

I've been in this same situation with a number of friends. I finally had to tell the more persistent ones "Hey, my FI has a really big family and I don't. I was hoping you could help fill out my side so I don't feel so lonely that day." It helped a lot.