Invite List Rant

Kristen625

Ugh!!! I'm so freaking frustrated right now.  So over a month ago, I asked my mom, dad, and FMIL for guest lists.  The ONLY person to get back to me (in a few days mind you) with a complete and total list of who I was looking for on that particular side of the family, was my dad.  He did forget one person, which I asked about when I saw him, and he immediately got up, put the address down and handed me the paper.  My FMIL sent me a sort of list with names only, some even without last names.  I'll be getting the complete list from her tomorrow.  And lastly, my mom has been just a pain in my side about this whole thing.  I told her, I want to keep it small.  However, she doesn't care and seems to think I should invite everyone anyways whether I think they will come or not.  Now she is paying for our venue, so she does have some say in it.  But I just got a semi list from her and on it are cousins (yes they are first cousins) that I haven't had any form of communication with (including facebook) in over ten years.  They are all apparently married (didn't know that at all, except I knew one of them was), and I think they all have kids, but I'm not sure.  I don't know their kids' names, and I couldn't pick them out of a line up.  Not one of them sent an invite to me for their wedding, not once have I even gotten so much as a christmas card from any of them.  My mom gets them from them, because she is their aunt, but that is it.  So I sent her back an email with a "hey this is super awkward, I haven't spoken to any of them in over a decade." and she comes back with how this is a great time to reconnect and how wonderful they all are and I should be in contact with them.  She said I could get basic Christmas cards, and write a note to them letting them know what is going on.  Which I guess is fine.  I just think its really crappy that my mom has gone to an effort to get their addresses so I could send them an invite when they sure as hell never went to the effort to send me one.  Hell, I don't even know if my older brother invited them to his wedding, and that was at least held in the same state that everyone lives in!  In fact one of the cousins, I don't even have his full address, and the information came from my Uncle, his dad!  I really don't want to waste the money to even send an invite to them when I know they won't show up.  Ugh I'm so close to tears and I don't even know why!!  Okay, rant over.  I'll just suck it up, be an adult and send them effing cards and invites.

pumpkinsandturkeys

As you know, I'm having a super small wedding, too. The guest list was by FAR the hardest part, and 4 months after beginning planning, we're still struggling here and there (although, I think we finally reached a consensus). We intended to pay for everything, but my parents have offered to contribute. In the beginning, my mum also had a very hard time understanding why I wasn't inviting her brothers to the wedding (her sister is invited, because we're very close with her and her husband). We ended up having a big fight, during which time she told me how upset my Grandma was going to be if her sons weren't there, and that I couldn't just not invite family. Meanwhile, these are uncles I haven't seen in over a decade and was never, ever close with. My mum and aunt don't even see them anymore because of old family drama, and here she was, telling me that they needed to be invited. I was SO upset. But instead of giving in and inviting them and their wives and saying, "it's only 4 more people...", I stood my ground and explained to her that this was NOT the time for some family reunion. We had already made the tough decision to exclude very close friends whom we see regularly in order to keep our vision of an intimate wedding, and it made zero sense to me to forgo inviting people who love and care about me and are part of my everyday life in exchange for inviting people whom I barely know and who have never even met FI, just because they're related to me by blood. Once I hammered that home to her a few times, and assured her that we would have a low-budget, open house, casual gathering later in the summer for everyone who couldn't be at the wedding, she gave in. I definitely feel your pain on this one, and it feels like the stupidest thing to fight over, but remember that it's YOUR wedding, and you need to decide how important it is to you to stand your ground, or if you can live with backing down. For me, I can't stand the idea of a single person who isn't like immediate family to me (including a couple of friends that are practically family) being there on our day, because that has always been my vision.

dluberts

just becasue shes paying for venue doesnt mean she has say.becasue if venue doesnt cover food, favors etc that cost will fall back on you!sorry your struggling..if youd like to come kick my fi in the reaer it might help him give me his list of family members  and it may make you feel better too..lol

Kristen625

Our reception venue does include food and drinks, its an all inclusive deal.  However that being said, I called my older brother this last weekend to find out who he actually invited.  He told me that he gave her a specific number of people she could invite, and to choose who she wanted to invite.  (why didn't I think of that??!!!)  So my new plan is to wait until I have a complete guest list from her (still waiting on that) and then going through the list then making a phone call and telling her. "Okay, here are the people getting an invite, and here are the people getting wedding announcements.  I don't want to hold a family reunion the same time I'm trying to get married.  If you would like to invite the rest of these people over to your house to host a reunion let me know and FI and I will be there." I have talked to FI about it, and he totally agrees and is ready to back me up on everything, and even volunteered to be the bad guy

pumpkinsandturkeys

@Kristen625 I'm so glad you figured it out, and that you and FI are on the same page! I definitely agree with politely but firmly standing your ground with her. Don't let yourself be bullied over your own wedding!