FIL wife who thinks she can replace grooms deceased mom

Nhollick1

So my FIL remarried after my fiances mom died of cancer 17 years ago. From everything I have heard there is no comparison between the two women. My FIL's wife is a bit of a drunkard and we have already had to have a talk with her about not acting/speaking inappropriately due to intoxication. In any case my fiancé longs for his mother and in no way sees the new wife as any type of a mother figure. Although the new wife is harmless and for the most part a decent person they are of no where near the same caliber of woman. So today she texted me and said she is shopping for a "mother of the groom dress." Now I know this is typical wedding jargon but if she ever said this to my fiancé or close friends of his it would be so insulting and possibly argument inducing. I should include she made a huge fuss about not being part of the wedding party. And by huge fuss I mean declining the engagement party invite my family extended to them (she changed her mind once she found out she gets to walk down the isle to her seat) for the party they are hosting. Did I mention that the FIL and wife are not participating/ hosting any party of the wedding other than the endless questions and answer sessions they regularly subject us to.

Soooo......help how do I handle these people? How do I stop her from ever, ever referring to herself as mother of the groom again?

Thanks

Nhollick1

I respectfully disagree. She is not his stepmother. It is one thing to accept her and include her but just because many years have passed doesn't make her his stepmother. FYI he was 25 when she passed.

winterbride1989

Nhollick1 said:

So my FIL remarried after my fiances mom died of cancer 17 years ago. From everything I have heard there is no comparison between the two women. My FIL's wife is a bit of a drunkard and we have already had to have a talk with her about not acting/speaking inappropriately due to intoxication. In any case my fiancé longs for his mother and in no way sees the new wife as any type of a mother figure. Although the new wife is harmless and for the most part a decent person they are of no where near the same caliber of woman. So today she texted me and said she is shopping for a "mother of the groom dress." Now I know this is typical wedding jargon but if she ever said this to my fiancé or close friends of his it would be so insulting and possibly argument inducing. I should include she made a huge fuss about not being part of the wedding party. And by huge fuss I mean declining the engagement party invite my family extended to them (she changed her mind once she found out she gets to walk down the isle to her seat) for the party they are hosting. Did I mention that the FIL and wife are not participating/ hosting any party of the wedding other than the endless questions and answer sessions they regularly subject us to. Soooo......help how do I handle these people? How do I stop her from ever, ever referring to herself as mother of the groom again? Thanks

Based on what you've written here, I feel really sad for you FSMIL. She can never replace your FI's mom, but it must be really hard to always be compared to your husband's late spouse, and be found wanting. She is obviously very excited for the both of you, so maybe just let her feel like a mother of the groom. 

Also, she definitely knows that you think she is not "the same caliber" of woman as your FI's mother; no wonder she didn't want to go to your party.

Nhollick1

I respectfully disagree. She is not his stepmother. It is one thing to accept her and include her but just because many years have passed doesn't make her his stepmother. FYI he was 25 when she passed.
Quote · Love it Reply

Nhollick1

So wow you are rude. I didn't say I expect them to pay for anything as we make very good money. What I meant was more of thinking they would want to contribute something anything doesn't have to v a lot because it's his son (FIL) and he wants to show him support etc. I look at gifts, hosting showers for friends etc as a way to show support and help. I think your response of my being a best is very out of context.

bethsmiles

I agree with @winterbride1989 - Being upset because she wasn't in the wedding party was ridiculous but nothing in your post screams horrible, stepmother to me. You even say yourself that she is a decent woman. And yes she is his stepmother, the definition is pretty cut and dry

step·moth·er  

n.

The wife of one's father and not one's natural mother.

I'm sorry your FI lost is mother. I'm sure that's hard. But I also think you're both being rather ridiculous. No where in your post does it sound like she is trying to replace your FI's mom. I guess I just do not understand why your FI is so incredibly sensitive to this issue.

MNVegas

This really is between your FI and stepmother. If he wants to address this with her that is his choice, You should really stay out of it before you start a family feud. Also it is FIL & stepmother's choice to host, attend, contribute or whatever when it come to wedding events. Perhaps there is a good reason why they do not want to. I could be a lot more blunt but I think you get the idea.

ETA: based on definition of stepmother in post above, I changed father's wife to read stepmother because OP is being silly.

Nhollick1

You know I think posting on this site was a bad idea. It's very easy to Monday night quarterback but I was hoping for someone to give me real opinions as though they were in my shoes. Pretend you have the FIL 'a wife at dinner and she is drunk. As in so drunk she is Starting to pick a fight over who waited longer to get married her or you? Or she asks who is waking you down the isle when it's WELL KNOWN that my parents aren't involved and we don't discuss that. I thought some people on here could relate to losing a parent and how hard if I when events like weddings come up ad important people aren't there. I didn't think I needed to go on and on about how inappropriate and socially inept she could be. In case anyone needs another illustration I hosted a dinner party last night and invited her. It was mainly created so she could be involved (putting save the dates together) and get to know everyone. When she entered my aunts home (where it was at) my aunt said "excuse me for not showing you around the house," and the FIL wife said "oh well why would you do that. You have lived here for a while it's not like you just moved in. And unless you just moved in people really don't do that." So before everyone jumps all over me imagine if you had to deal with wierd comments all the time like that.

Nhollick1

And lastly how about her suggesting that I advise guests to "sneak in their own booze" since she just went to a wedding where they did that. Well I actually talked to a friend who we to that wedding and sat at her table. Um nobody snuck in booze. Except her. Which she kept in a plastic water bottle and then poured into her glass. When she was sufficiently drunk she stumbled onto the dance floor where she apparently would walk right up to people and mimic their dancing . Did I mention she is 68!

Nhollick1

Oh yes thanks for the advice on getting her help with her drinking. That's a novel idea we never thought of! And I thought the purpose of this site was how to deal with difficult situations that may arise. Thanks for your input

Weesh

Nhollick1 said:

So my FIL remarried after my fiances mom died of cancer 17 years ago. From everything I have heard there is no comparison between the two women. My FIL's wife is a bit of a drunkard and we have already had to have a talk with her about not acting/speaking inappropriately due to intoxication. In any case my fiancé longs for his mother and in no way sees the new wife as any type of a mother figure. Although the new wife is harmless and for the most part a decent person they are of no where near the same caliber of woman. So today she texted me and said she is shopping for a "mother of the groom dress." Now I know this is typical wedding jargon but if she ever said this to my fiancé or close friends of his it would be so insulting and possibly argument inducing. I should include she made a huge fuss about not being part of the wedding party. And by huge fuss I mean declining the engagement party invite my family extended to them (she changed her mind once she found out she gets to walk down the isle to her seat) for the party they are hosting. Did I mention that the FIL and wife are not participating/ hosting any party of the wedding other than the endless questions and answer sessions they regularly subject us to. Soooo......help how do I handle these people? How do I stop her from ever, ever referring to herself as mother of the groom again? Thanks

Unfortunately, it seems as though she is already referring to herself in that way.  I don't think there's a way for you to stop that.  However, if it will hurt your fiance that badly to hear that, I think he needs to step up and say something to her about their relationship if he feels so strongly about her NOT being referred to as that.  At this point (even if they aren't close) she has been a part of his life for 17 years.  She may believe or feel as though that title is appropriate even if he doesn't.

It seems as though you have tried to include her in things, and at this point, I don't think you need to include her unless you truly want to and are prepared for the way in which she behaves.  If her alcohol dependence seems to be as it is, then she also might require additional outside help.  How does your FFIL react to this behavior?  Does he encourage or enable it in any way?  It seems as if she is seeking attention in any way she can get it.  

Nhollick1

Really!!! Give me a break. She has drank since they got together over 17 years ago. Maybe before you make rude assumptions like that you should ask for more info. Don't worry about responding as I feel you can only offer rude judgements.

ktjanesmom

Wow!  Just wow.  This woman is NOT the Mother of the groom!   And if he does not think of her as even a step mother, she shouldnt call herself even that.  Clearly he finds it disrespectful to his late mother.  I do agree though, he should be the one to tell her if she happens to say it again and in his presense.

[Deleted User]

Legally, the only way FIL's wife would be your FI's Step Mother would be if she adopted him. Since she didn't technically she is only FI's father's wife. 

If you and your FI aren't interested in having her in your daily lives your FI should man up and be honest. Let her know 1)It makes him uncomfortable when she refers to herself as "the mother of the groom" and to cease saying that and 2) he doesn't care to work on having a relationship with her.

We can easily sense the contempt in your postings but the least you both could do is be fully honest with her so she can work on herself and get over trying to have a deeper connection with her husband's son and future daughter-in-law.

AlexisA01

Nhollick1 said:

I respectfully disagree. She is not his stepmother. It is one thing to accept her and include her but just because many years have passed doesn't make her his stepmother. FYI he was 25 when she passed. Quote · Love it Reply

But she is his step-mother. How is she not?

RebeccaB88

If your FI doesn't like her calling herself the MoG, then he needs to nut up and say something to her. His family, his problem to deal with. Not your place to do it for him. if he won't do it, then you have a bigger problem than this woman.

Other than that, stop talking wedding with her. Just stop. Give details on a need to know basis only, send them an invitation, and plan and pay for everything yourselves. Then they get no say in anything.

ktjanesmom

He did not hear her say it and no one told him she referred to herself that way.  If he hears it, yes he should tell her he does not like it.

NYCBruin

Am I the only one who finds it strange that OP  has indicated that her FI's stepmother is a raging alcoholic but her biggest concern is that she wants to call herself something?

Her calling herself the mother of the groom doesn't magically make her your FI's mother.  I can call myself the Queen of England all I want, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm not.  Just ignore her when she says that, don't refer to her as that and go get a massage or something.  If this is causing you so much stress, I think you really need one.

phira

Here's what to do.

To your future father-in-law's wife: "Please feel free to wear whatever you'd like."

To your fiance: "If you are upset about your father's wife's behavior, you need to address it yourself. I will support you every step of the way."

To some PPs: My dad has remarried--I do not consider his wife my stepmother, nor do I consider her children to be my stepsiblings. If my mom marries her boyfriend, he will not be my stepfather, and his children will also not be my stepsiblings.

I get to define my family however I'd like. It's not inaccurate for the OP to refer to her finace's father's wife as his father's wife. Clearly, her fiance does not consider this woman to be a mother figure in any way, and it's not rude if he doesn't call her his stepmother.

Nhollick1

Ktjanesmom thank you! The word mother has a connotation that's associated with it and I can't understand why everyone on here doesn't get it. He does find it disrespectful as that isn't the relationship he wants which should be okay. She is included in many things in fact I'm hosting a birthday dinner for her Tuesday. It's just the fact that marriage alone doesn't make you a mother. I don't understand why to other posters that's not something to even think about. All I want to do is protect him and his feelings. If many of the women in here went through their wedding with both parents they are very lucky and should keep in mind they haven't felt what it's like to in his case not have his mother, and me I don't have either so I know how it feels.

Nhollick1

You know everyone on here must have been married years ago. I think that some people forgot all the stress involved. I obviously understand that it's HIS business and I would never call his fathers wife out. But I think a good wife recognizes her referring to herself as the mother of the groom is something that would offend him wether you all agree or not. The purpose of my post was to seek advice on how to nip this in the bud as I know it would hurt him as his mother has not been a topic at all during the process. If anyone on here has ever lost a parent or close relative then maybe they can relate to the fact that it is a pain that never goes away. The fact that she has taken it upon herself to take this title is what bothers me. I'm a compassionate person and don't take the "it's his issue stay out" approach when it comes to giving him support within the confines of our own home.

mysticl

JordanF13 said:

Legally, the only way FIL's wife would be your FI's Step Mother would be if she adopted him. Since she didn't technically she is only FI's father's wife. 

If you and your FI aren't interested in having her in your daily lives your FI should man up and be honest. Let her know 1)It makes him uncomfortable when she refers to herself as "the mother of the groom" and to cease saying that and 2) he doesn't care to work on having a relationship with her.

We can easily sense the contempt in your postings but the least you both could do is be fully honest with her so she can work on herself and get over trying to have a deeper connection with her husband's son and future daughter-in-law.

No, if she had adopted him then she would legally be his mother and a new birth certificate would have been issued with her name listed as his mother.  By law his birth mother would no longer be considered his mother.

Per Websters:  Step-mother is the wife of one's father, who is not the mother of the person spoken of.  

Jen4948

Unfortunately, your FI cannot exclude his stepmother (and that's what his father's wife is, simply by virtue of being his wife) from the wedding.

But however he chooses to handle her calling herself "Mother of the Groom" is not for you to deal with-it's strictly his concern.  You need to stay out of it.

nsweare

OP, I think some people are being hard on you. I don't consider my dad's wife as my step-mom because they married when I was 28 and she has never "mothered" me. She is my father's wife. My mom remarried when I was 7 and he helped raise me. He was my stepfather.

Also, I took your statement about her not paying as a way to show that they aren't hosting and therefore don't get the "they're paying so get leeway" line. I think you need to talk to your FI about how he wants his father's wife handled. Include her when appropriate and don't discuss wedding stuff with her otherwise. Be an ear and shoulder for your FI. Also, if you can, designate someone to watch her at the reception so she doesn't get too drunk and out of line. It isn't your job to get her help, because she can only help herself. Good luck

HisGirlFriday13

I think your FSMIL drinks because you're judgey and use horrible grammar.

End game: you don't have to honour her as the mother if the groom, but you can't disrespect her and not acknowledge her as your FIL's wife.

Think how YOU would feel if someone said, 'Oh, she's not really an aunt/SIL/DIL/fill in the blank; she's just the low-calibre girl he married. She doesn't matter.'

You would be hurt -- and rightfully so -- and that is what you're doing to this woman.

If you and your FI are old enough to get married, you are old enough to behave respectfully toward the woman your FIL loved enough to marry.

ETA: Fix typo.

Nhollick1

Oh my god. Does anybody on here understand that the things I'm saying are to people on the internet, whom I don't know and who don't know her. Did anybody ever realize that DUH! I'm not like this to her face . I know nobody here ever vents or has a nasty thought.

Oh and for ms. Grammar I'm typing on a IPHONE that's having keyboard issues.

So I suppose everyone thinks it's ok for her to wear this dress she likes . At the age of late sixties.
I bet everyone thinks I'm horrible for thinking this is to young and inappropriate right!

Viczaesar

Nhollick1 said:

Oh my god. Does anybody on here understand that the things I'm saying are to people on the internet, whom I don't know and who don't know her. Did anybody ever realize that DUH! I'm not like this to her face . I know nobody here ever vents or has a nasty thought. Oh and for ms. Grammar I'm typing on a IPHONE that's having keyboard issues. So I suppose everyone thinks it's ok for her to wear this dress she likes . At the age of late sixties. I bet everyone thinks I'm horrible for thinking this is to young and inappropriate right!

Pretty much, yep. You get no say in what she wears regardless of how you and your FI feel about her, though, so it doesn't matter what you think of the dress.

Nhollick1

This

Viczaesar

I don't see any problem with that dress, but again, it matters not a fig what you think of the dress. She can wear whatever she wants.

Nhollick1

I'm not sure how you planned but for my wedding everyone will coordinate so the pictures look nice. That dress is to young, strapless which is not practical not appropriate and it's not elegant and refined like a mature woman's dress should be.

NYCBruin

Nhollick1 said:

I'm not sure how you planned but for my wedding everyone will coordinate so the pictures look nice. That dress is to young, strapless which is not practical not appropriate and it's not elegant and refined like a mature woman's dress should be.

Well that's awfully judgey of you. People aren't props for your pictures. If "nice pictures" matter more to you than people then hire models and pay them to wear what you want.

She can wear whatever she wants.

And I see nothing wrong with that dress. But even it was awful you still can't tell a grown woman what to wear.