FIL wife who thinks she can replace grooms deceased mom

[Deleted User]

mysticl said:

JordanF13 said:

Legally, the only way FIL's wife would be your FI's Step Mother would be if she adopted him. Since she didn't technically she is only FI's father's wife. 

If you and your FI aren't interested in having her in your daily lives your FI should man up and be honest. Let her know 1)It makes him uncomfortable when she refers to herself as "the mother of the groom" and to cease saying that and 2) he doesn't care to work on having a relationship with her.

We can easily sense the contempt in your postings but the least you both could do is be fully honest with her so she can work on herself and get over trying to have a deeper connection with her husband's son and future daughter-in-law.

No, if she had adopted him then she would legally be his mother and a new birth certificate would have been issued with her name listed as his mother.  By law his birth mother would no longer be considered his mother.

Per Websters:  Step-mother is the wife of one's father, who is not the mother of the person spoken of.  

Muggle is also in the dictionary which is a made up word, doesn't mean it's an actual word so the definition of Step-mother in the dictionary is irrelevant. 

She is FI's father's wife, not his stepmother. A marriage does not dictate the relationships of other people. If he chooses not to acknowledge her as such then that's his decision. By this stupid "rule" my H has had well over a dozen "stepmothers" thanks to his piece-of-shit father using them like tissues.

Nhollick1

omg people aren't props for my nice pictures? Get a grip! So you aimed for horrible photos then right since I'm assuming you didn't want "models" or "props." C'mon everyone wants nice photos where everyone looks nice and coordinated and at their best.

[Deleted User]

NYCBruin said:

I'm not sure how you planned but for my wedding everyone will coordinate so the pictures look nice. That dress is to young, strapless which is not practical not appropriate and it's not elegant and refined like a mature woman's dress should be.

Well that's awfully judgey of you. People aren't props for your pictures. If "nice pictures" matter more to you than people then hire models and pay them to wear what you want. She can wear whatever she wants. And I see nothing wrong with that dress. But even it was awful you still can't tell a grown woman what to wear.

I agree with @NYCBruin. You cannot dictate what the parents wear to the wedding. They are full grown adults and are very capable of dressing themselves. If for some reason she doesn't look appropriate then it will reflect on her and not you. This is not a hill worth dying on, you need to let this go.

Nhollick1

Yah thanks Jordan for your comment. Finally common sense! I think everyone assuming she is a "stepmother" degrades what it means to be a stepmother. She didn't nurture, care for, sacrifice for, or assist in raising him as he was 27 when they got married. Just because they are married doesn't mean she deserves that title.

[Deleted User]

Nhollick1 said:

omg people aren't props for my nice pictures? Get a grip! So you aimed for horrible photos then right since I'm assuming you didn't want "models" or "props." C'mon everyone wants nice photos where everyone looks nice and coordinated and at their best.

We aimed for capturing moments with our family, friends and loved ones regardless of how coordinated their outfits were. Seriously, let this idea of "perfection" go. I got married last Friday. My Mom wore a modest bridesmaid's dress from DB in lavender and MIL wore a short royal blue dress with a jacket. Neither or their dresses matched the colors for the wedding and they both looked beautiful.

NYCBruin

Nhollick1 said:

omg people aren't props for my nice pictures? Get a grip! So you aimed for horrible photos then right since I'm assuming you didn't want "models" or "props." C'mon everyone wants nice photos where everyone looks nice and coordinated and at their best.

Well I'm not married yet. I don't really care what anyone wears. I think I'll end up with beautiful pictures because my family will look like themselves wearing things that they feel comfortable in.

cruffino

You really need to let all of this go. She can wear what she wants just like any adult. You don't need to be best friends. Just be respectful and worry about your own life.

Jen4948

Nhollick1 said:

Yah thanks Jordan for your comment. Finally common sense! I think everyone assuming she is a "stepmother" degrades what it means to be a stepmother. She didn't nurture, care for, sacrifice for, or assist in raising him as he was 27 when they got married. Just because they are married doesn't mean she deserves that title.

Actually, yes, it does.  Being a "stepmother" means exactly the same thing as being a stepmother with no quotation marks around the title-you are a woman married to a man but not the mother of his children.  Whether or not she "deserves" it is irrelevant and not for you to judge in any case.

bethsmiles

 I think you need to just step back from all of this for a moment and refocus your energy.

It's not worth trying to force this woman (whatever the hell you want to call her) to wear what you want her to wear. It's just going to cause you more stress, cause more tension among everyone involved, and bring negativity to a time that should be very happy for you and your FI. Would it be awesome if everyone would just do what we wanted for our wedding days (oh hell every day)? Yup, absolutely. But it's not the way life works, even on your wedding day. How many pictures will she be in anyway? I doubt very many.

Don't tell your FI that she referred to herself as "mother of the groom", just let it go. IF she does use that term around your FI then let him handle it and support him in however he chooses to do so. There really isn't anything else you can do regarding that situation.

Stop talking wedding with your FFIL and his wife. Just change the subject if they bring it up.

huskypuppy14

Nhollick1 I was on your side, until you said you were dictating what your FIL wife could wear. Are you telling other guests what to wear? You said she is not apart of the wedding party, and not the mother of the groom, so she is a normal guest, then why does she need to coordinate her dress with everything else?

Just stop talking to her about your plans. It sounds like your FI dad and his wife are not hosting and not paying, so there is really no reason to discuss anything with them.

In regards to the stepmother not stepmother debate. I understand what the OP is trying to say. I'm lucky in that both my parents and my FI parents are alive and together. But my dad has a father that isn't in our lives, probably wouldn't know who I was if we passed on the street. I never would call him my grandfather, he is just my father's father. Even if technically, he is my grandfather, I would not want him referred to as that. I'm sure this is how the OPs FI thinks of his father's wife. She is not a mother figure, and therefore doesn't deserve the title. Which is fine, he is entitled to his opinion. 

Viczaesar

Nhollick1 said:

I'm not sure how you planned but for my wedding everyone will coordinate so the pictures look nice. That dress is to young, strapless which is not practical not appropriate and it's not elegant and refined like a mature woman's dress should be.

No. You do not get to tell anyone who is not in your wedding party how to dress. This isn't a dance recital and you're not the Queen of Blahblah.

HisGirlFriday13

I felt sorry for your FIL's wife when you started this thread. Now I just feel sorry for all your guests and your WP because holy effing crap you seem like a bridezilla.

I get that your FI (and possibly you, though your comments here makeb you seem terribly young and immature) waited a long time to get married, but you cannot treat people like props you slot into roles.

People can dress themselves, you don't get to have a 'vision' of how you want everyone to dress, and you sure as hell don't get to tell your FIL's wife that she's not in the WP and not 'important enough' to be accorded respect, but then try to tell her what to wear. You cannot have it both ways.

Btw, crappy spelling, bad punctuation, inappropriate subject-verb agreement, and mis-use of common words are grammatical mistakes that indicate human error and stupidity. Typos you could blame on an iPhone. Incomplete sentences and the other bits are all you.

phira

Any time I hear anything along the lines of, "Everyone will coordinate so the pictures will look nice," I get the sense that the speaker is going to treat their guests as props. Your photos are supposed to document the day, and you don't get to dictate everyone's attire. Additionally, no one is obligated out of love for you to dress a particular way so your photos are "perfect."

If your future father-in-law's wife wants to wear a strapless gown, that's none of your business. It's not inappropriate because of her age, or because of how she'll look in your wedding photos. Unless her nipples are popping out, or her ass is showing, or she flashes the goods, then move on.

And for the record, my dad's wife, who is 60, wore a similar strapless gown to her son's wedding. It was fine.

mrs4everhart

OP, as someone who is marrying a guy who hates his stepdad, I get where you're coming from to a certain extent. My FSFIL is a very loathsome man. Your FSMIL just sounds more like a problem drinker who is socially inept/awkward but otherwise harmless. She may make you groan every time you're around her, cringe when she opens her mouth and otherwise just want to run the other direction but she doesn't sound evil, abusive or full of malice. Maybe she's trying in her own weird way to be endearing and form a relationship with you both that clearly isn't going to be reciprocated? It will be up to your FI to put her in whatever place he wants her should she say something that offends him. He's a grown man and has the right to let her know where the boundaries must be drawn because she doesn't apply any of her own. If she says something to you that you just can't hold back from saying something to her about, prepare for whatever backlash will come. If it's not worth dealing with a huge family drama over simply walk away. That's what I do with my FSFIL. As for what she's wearing, there's nothing you can do about it so stop worrying over it, it's not worth adding stress to your planning. She's a grown woman and she has the right to wear whatever makes her happy as long as all her ladybits are covered. If she dresses ridiculously and makes a drunken fool of herself at your wedding, which I suspect is a very legitimate fear of yours, just remember, no one is going to judge you or your FI. It's obvious she's an adult exercising her own free will. Hopefully your FFIL will pull her out of your reception if that should be the case. With any sort of luck maybe at some point, unrelated to your wedding, the family can broach the subject of getting her help so the rest of this woman's life can be as healthy and happy as possible while having the added benefit of making her easier to be around. Try to ignore her quirks as much as possible, it's easier that way. And remember, there are always worse people/families out there that you could be marrying in to. 

marshmallow1982

JordanF13 said:

Legally, the only way FIL's wife would be your FI's Step Mother would be if she adopted him. Since she didn't technically she is only FI's father's wife. 

What?! Do you know what stepmother means?

Sharpschruter22

My MIL wore a long, ivory, (she said beige...it was ivory and so was my dress) sparkly dress. My mom wore a beautiful long, royal blue gown and looked like a queen.

Coordinating mothers with your wedding party is old school. It's not like the bridesmaids and moms are going to be in the same picture so who cares? It just creates unnecessary stress and makes you look like a control freak to dictate what grown women should wear.

Was I unhappy my MIL wore an ivory sparkly dress? Yes, I was, but she had a ton of issues finding a dress she felt pretty in. I asked her if she felt beautiful in the dress and she said yes. Her being comfortable and feeling pretty was all that was important to me. Besides, it was obvious ai was the bride. No one mistakes the younger woman in a wedding dress and veil with a much older woman wearing a "mother" dress.

nsweare

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think your FSMIL drinks because you're judgey and use horrible grammar.

End game: you don't have to honour her as the mother if the groom, but you can't disrespect her and not acknowledge her as your FIL's wife.

Think how YOU would feel if someone said, 'Oh, she's not really an aunt/SIL/DIL/fill in the blank; she's just the low-calibre girl he married. She doesn't matter.'

You would be hurt -- and rightfully so -- and that is what you're doing to this woman.

If you and your FI are old enough to get married, you are old enough to behave respectfully toward the woman your FIL loved enough to marry.

ETA: Fix typo.

While I think OP needs to back off on the dress issue and whatnot, I think your comment about her poor grammar causing this woman to drink is horrible and insensitive. I get that you are going for snarky, but instead it is irresponsible and nasty. I'm really surprised that nobody else addressed this.

PolarBearFitz

I mean despite what relationship (or lack their of) you or your FI has with his step-mother (the definition of this is sound) you are being disrespectful to her and his father. That is his father's chosen wife which was probably a difficult decision after losing his previous one to cancer. It is terribly rude and unfortunate that you are judging every little thing from her. I feel it may be one of those times where the person is disliked so everyone picks apart everything they do.

It is probably also simpler/less rude to say 'mother of the groom' or 'stepmother of the groom' than explain to people 'oh, I am the stepmother of the groom who is disliked by all and has a drinking problem.' How would you like it if you had to say something stupid like that at your stepson's wedding? How would you rather her introduce herself while on the arm of your fiance's father?

Stop letting little comments she makes get to you as it is either who she is (which won't change) or a result of intense anxiety from the family situation that has been created. It sounds to me as if you are way too old to even be worried about this. Be an adult and be kind despite what she says. Ever heard of the phrase 'kill them with kindness?'

She is in her 60s, you cannot change who she is at this point but I think you can change how you react to stupid comments and her involvement in your wedding. If she has a drinking problem that is her problem. It shouldn't be something you go off telling everyone or even address at a wedding. Try to help and maybe be nice to her.

Kindness can make new roads and open doors to some communication which it sounds like you are all lacking...

climbingsingle

There is nothing wrong with that dress. You are creating drama over things that don't matter. You don't need people to be "coordinated" for your pictures. That is ridiculous and childish. Let people wear whatever they want to wear. 20 years from now you are not going to remember what this woman wore. If you do, you're an asshole. 

If your FI doesn't consider this woman an stepmother, that's fine. Both you both need to treat her with respect. And it doesn't sound like you do. 

tmclawchick

Alright, I'll bite. You asked how to "handle these people"... the short answer is that you can't. You're dealing with adults who are capable of making decisions and are responsible for their actions. You shouldn't have to "handle" them, and it's not really your place to do that either.

Did I mention that the FIL and wife are not participating/ hosting any party of the wedding other than the endless questions and answer sessions they regularly subject us to. How is this relevant? My parents and future in-law are not hosting any party either. They routinely ask us questions about the wedding (food, venue, DJ, flowers, attire, etc.). I'm confused on why this is a big deal.

You also asked how to keep her from referring to herself as the 'mother of the groom'. Again, you can't. This is not your battle; if it bothers your FI then HE needs to address this. Do yourself a favor and don't get involved here, I can't see it ending well.

There. Now that I've got that out of the way, it sounds like you're unwilling to accept some of the good advice that's been offered here, so why did you even bother asking if your mind was already made up?  Frankly, you seem sensitive to some of the honesty you're getting here. That might be a sign that you're overreacting. In the future, if a bunch of people have a different opinion about the same situation, it might be a good idea to re-evaluate your viewpoint and make sure you aren't going a little bonkers over this.  YWIA.

clarke10

OP I completely understand how you and FI feel. My parents split up when I was younger and my dad is remarried. His wife has spent years trying to play mom to my brother and I. I already had a mom who had done the bulk of the "raising" and I didn't need or want another. My step-mother has never been family to me and will have no part in my wedding with the exception of being my dad's guest. He knows this. He has no problem with it. 

I would just tell the step-mom that she can wear whatever she feels comfortable in. Don't acknowledge the MOG comment. You can't stop her from calling herself that.

HisGirlFriday13

nsweare said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think your FSMIL drinks because you're judgey and use horrible grammar.

End game: you don't have to honour her as the mother if the groom, but you can't disrespect her and not acknowledge her as your FIL's wife.

Think how YOU would feel if someone said, 'Oh, she's not really an aunt/SIL/DIL/fill in the blank; she's just the low-calibre girl he married. She doesn't matter.'

You would be hurt -- and rightfully so -- and that is what you're doing to this woman.

If you and your FI are old enough to get married, you are old enough to behave respectfully toward the woman your FIL loved enough to marry.

ETA: Fix typo.

While I think OP needs to back off on the dress issue and whatnot, I think your comment about her poor grammar causing this woman to drink is horrible and insensitive. I get that you are going for snarky, but instead it is irresponsible and nasty. I'm really surprised that nobody else addressed this.

Actually, the first part was entirely serious. If I had to routinely interact with someone as bitchy and judgemental as the OP, I would also drink to cope. The grammar comment was facetious.

And the rest of my advice stands.

s-aries8990

@Nhollick1,


1) FI doesn't have to refer to his father's wife as his stepmother, but she IS his father's wife and it is despicable the way that you and he seem to refer to her. If you don't like her so much, WHY are you wasting so much energy on her? For serious?

2) I feel bad for her - all she wants is to be included and to feel part of FI's family, but he won't give her any time of day. I agree with PP's, after nearly 2 decades of that treatment, I'd be drinking too. Don't be rude, just appease her. That's all it is. Be the bigger person, not an asshole. If she wants to pick little fights, let her win- "I guess YOU win the "who waited longer" battle! Have you tried this new red wine? Or this hummus? Or these cookies? How about those (insert local sports team or weather anomaly or recent news story here)?"

3) What she wears is none of your bee'swax. That dress is perfectly acceptable, AND, if it isn't, she'll look out of place. If she wants to wear it, let her! If she looks stupid, in 10 years will say "Geeze, "FI's-dad's-wife" had poor judgement here, huh?" not "OMG! Nhollick1! How could you ever let someone so trashy and ill dressed be in ANY of your photos!"

nsweare

HisGirlFriday13 said:

nsweare said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I think your FSMIL drinks because you're judgey and use horrible grammar.

End game: you don't have to honour her as the mother if the groom, but you can't disrespect her and not acknowledge her as your FIL's wife.

Think how YOU would feel if someone said, 'Oh, she's not really an aunt/SIL/DIL/fill in the blank; she's just the low-calibre girl he married. She doesn't matter.'

You would be hurt -- and rightfully so -- and that is what you're doing to this woman.

If you and your FI are old enough to get married, you are old enough to behave respectfully toward the woman your FIL loved enough to marry.

ETA: Fix typo.

While I think OP needs to back off on the dress issue and whatnot, I think your comment about her poor grammar causing this woman to drink is horrible and insensitive. I get that you are going for snarky, but instead it is irresponsible and nasty. I'm really surprised that nobody else addressed this.

Actually, the first part was entirely serious. If I had to routinely interact with someone as bitchy and judgemental as the OP, I would also drink to cope. The grammar comment was facetious.

And the rest of my advice stands.

I take no issue with the rest of your advice. It sounds from OP's posts that the father's wife has a legitimate drinking problem. To blame that on OP is wrong.

ranzzo

Nhollick1 said:

So wow you are rude. I didn't say I expect them to pay for anything as we make very good money. What I meant was more of thinking they would want to contribute something anything doesn't have to v a lot because it's his son (FIL) and he wants to show him support etc. I look at gifts, hosting showers for friends etc as a way to show support and help. I think your response of my being a best is very out of context.

Why in the hell would FFIL contribute something financially in support of his son's marriage when you both show so little respect for his marriage and his wife?  Your attitude is disgusting. 

Inkdancer

OP, you have every right to be concerned about her possibly drinking too much at the wedding. However, how she interacts with your fiance and his family is for your FI to worry about. You cannot tell her how to dress, or how to refer to herself.

If she's been in the family for 17 years, she isn't going anywhere. You are going to have to learn to communicate with her directly, and your FI is going to have to learn to deal with her. She will, of course, never replace his mother. But she is a part of his life too, and he's got to talk to her about things.

I'm sorry that you are stuck in this difficult situation, but please try to approach with love and understanding.

Nhollick1

Although I have no problem accepting advice I feel a lot of it is misguided and jumps to conclusions. First off she drank heavily from the day they got together. To say I make her drink is rude snarky and not even worthy of posting on a forum soliciting advice. I think that it is a valid point to make sure she is included in things and feels a part. Again many posters were quick I judge me as a evil bitch who wants to ostracize this woman. She is included in events, her and I text and email wedding stuff. The whole point which I'm sure again people will miss is she is NOT malicious but rather has no tact. To 90 % of the population drinking to the point of stumbling and making inappropriate and rude comments would start to make you lose trust. The bottom line is I don't trust that she won't insult my family or other guests with the embarrassing behavior or rude comments. I know that technically her behavior isn't a reflection of me but would anyone want to be around that. As far as the dress obviously I would never insult her and tell we what to wear but c'mon I showed the dress to coworkers who all said that's a bridesmaids dress. All I'm doing is expressing frustration that she would pick something so similar to what my maids will wear especially since she made such a big deal about not being in the wedding. As far as everyone here' making the giant leap to me being such a evil bitch I'll leave you with this example of the rude comments. Upon learning next year my family and I will be going on a European vacation she later asked how will my aunt and grandma financially afford that and why are they so out of touch with reality to think they can even swing a trip like that. So if that's not rude and snarky and something totally not her business I don't know what is. It's comments like that that offend people.

marshmallow1982

JordanF13 said:

mysticl said:

JordanF13 said:

Legally, the only way FIL's wife would be your FI's Step Mother would be if she adopted him. Since she didn't technically she is only FI's father's wife. 

If you and your FI aren't interested in having her in your daily lives your FI should man up and be honest. Let her know 1)It makes him uncomfortable when she refers to herself as "the mother of the groom" and to cease saying that and 2) he doesn't care to work on having a relationship with her.

We can easily sense the contempt in your postings but the least you both could do is be fully honest with her so she can work on herself and get over trying to have a deeper connection with her husband's son and future daughter-in-law.

No, if she had adopted him then she would legally be his mother and a new birth certificate would have been issued with her name listed as his mother.  By law his birth mother would no longer be considered his mother.

Per Websters:  Step-mother is the wife of one's father, who is not the mother of the person spoken of.  

Muggle is also in the dictionary which is a made up word, doesn't mean it's an actual word so the definition of Step-mother in the dictionary is irrelevant. 

The meaning of the word in the dictionary is not irrelevant! That's how people find out the meaning of the word they don't know. Especially if they are learning a new language. If you didn't know the meaning of the word stepmother you could have just looked it up before posting, there are online dictionaries you can use.

climbingsingle

Is that dress similar to what your bridesmaids are wearing? 

For my first wedding, my mom wore what would typically have been a bridesmaids dress. And she looked awesome. 

My mother and FMIL are both 63 and they look very good for their ages. If either of them chose that dress, I wouldn't be bothered in the least bit. 

I suggest you stop getting worked up over things that don't matter. 

PolarBearFitz

Nhollick1 said:

Although I have no problem accepting advice I feel a lot of it is misguided and jumps to conclusions. First off she drank heavily from the day they got together. To say I make her drink is rude snarky and not even worthy of posting on a forum soliciting advice. I think that it is a valid point to make sure she is included in things and feels a part. Again many posters were quick I judge me as a evil bitch who wants to ostracize this woman. She is included in events, her and I text and email wedding stuff. The whole point which I'm sure again people will miss is she is NOT malicious but rather has no tact. To 90 % of the population drinking to the point of stumbling and making inappropriate and rude comments would start to make you lose trust. The bottom line is I don't trust that she won't insult my family or other guests with the embarrassing behavior or rude comments. I know that technically her behavior isn't a reflection of me but would anyone want to be around that. As far as the dress obviously I would never insult her and tell we what to wear but c'mon I showed the dress to coworkers who all said that's a bridesmaids dress. All I'm doing is expressing frustration that she would pick something so similar to what my maids will wear especially since she made such a big deal about not being in the wedding. As far as everyone here' making the giant leap to me being such a evil bitch I'll leave you with this example of the rude comments. Upon learning next year my family and I will be going on a European vacation she later asked how will my aunt and grandma financially afford that and why are they so out of touch with reality to think they can even swing a trip like that. So if that's not rude and snarky and something totally not her business I don't know what is. It's comments like that that offend people.

I think you care too much about what other people think. Ignore her crappy comments and change the subject. If she offends people that's her deal not yours. Stop worrying about it. Everyone is an adult and if they get offended I don't see how that's your fault?

People may be offended by a lot of things. Doesn't make sense for this to be something you are worried about. Focus your energies on something more positive than worrying about what someone may or may not do.

Her dress is a formal dress and if she wants to wear it that's up to her.