BM has fallen off the map

ninewest86

I'm really stuck and don't know what I should do about a BM who has completely stopped communicating with me. 

The back story - we became friends about 5 years ago when we worked together, I was in her wedding and helped her plan all of her functions and even helped her with other weddings she's been in for people I don't even know.  She's always been a little self-centered and we don't have as much time to talk anymore, but I'm getting kind of upset about the intentional snubbing lately.  In hindsight I shouldn't have asked her so far from the wedding, but you can't unask someone now. 

I know I still have plenty of time before my wedding (next September) but my MOH and other BM are in the process of shopping for and ordering BM dresses and this one BM won't return email, calls, or texts.  I invited her to my dress shopping and never got a response.  It was fine if she couldn't attend, I know she has her own life, but to get no response not even "sorry I have other plans" was disappointing.  I've sent her several messages about doing wedding things and non-wedding things, specifically asked her for some time to talk on a specific date and time and again got no response.  

I don't want to be rude and 'kick her out' of the wedding, but it seems as though she's intentionally removing herself in the most passive way possible.  I'd like to ask another girl who's become a great friend, but I want to know for sure that this BM is bowing out.  I've considered sending her an email or letter asking if she still plans to be apart of my wedding and that I need to know before the holidays, but again, I don't want it to be seen as rude even through she's being rude to me by ignoring me.  It seems like she's not interested in continuing our friendship, or there could be personal issues happening that she's not telling me about.  I really just don't know how to approach her, I feel like I'm darned if I do and darned if I don't. 

Any advise? 

Jen4948

Make your plans without her.  Choose the dresses and let her know what your choices are.  Either she'll get the dress and show up in it, in which case she remains a bridesmaid, or she doesn't, in which case she is not.

Yes, it is inconsiderate of her not to respond, but if you've been sending her lots of messages, maybe she feels overwhelmed and the best thing you can do is to leave her alone for the time being.

MairePoppy

Make an appointment to shop for bm dresses. Let each bm know the time, date, place and ask for each of their budgets. Whoever shows gets to help make the selection. If she doesn't show, send her all the information she needs to order her dress. If she doesn't get the dress, she'll be taking herself out of the wedding party.

Don't let this situation deter you from asking the other friend. Ask the friends who are closest to you. Sides don't have to be even.

There's not much you can do, if you've made the effort and the friend won't return your phone calls. Have you tried leaving a non-wedding related message, like asking her to meet for drinks or coffee? 

ninewest86

@MariePoppy - I did send her a non-wedding invite for lunch on a specific day/time/location so it wasn't a generic "we should get together soon."  That day came and went without response and then I saw on FB that she was hanging out with a coworker that evening. 

I know the sides don't have to be even, I was shocked when my FI said he would uninvite a groomsman to make them even, he's a little crazy I obviously told him no. 

I'd really just like some sort of conclusion at this point but I know I'll probably have to wait until my MOH and other BM choose their dresses. 

Emmy1493

I would just leave her alone for a little while. I know it's frustrating, but like @mairepoppy said; If she doesn't get the dress, she is taking herself out. Removing someone from your WP is a friendship ending move on your part.Maybe she has issues she doesn't feel like talking about. All you can do is focus on your own life as normal. As far as asking the other friend, that might seem like you are trying to replace what you feel is lost. I have seen on other forums on this page, that have sort of advised against it. The reason is, you don't her feeling like she wasn't special enough to be asked in the first place. She might not say it matters in fear of hurting your feelings, but if it were me, I would feel like just a replacement. Even if that's not your intention. JMO though.  Hope everything goes well for you, and that your friend comes around. Best of luck!

EDIT: Spelling.

OliveOilsMom

ninewest86 said:

I'm really stuck and don't know what I should do about a BM who has completely stopped communicating with me. 

The back story - we became friends about 5 years ago when we worked together, I was in her wedding and helped her plan all of her functions and even helped her with other weddings she's been in for people I don't even know.  She's always been a little self-centered and we don't have as much time to talk anymore, but I'm getting kind of upset about the intentional snubbing lately.  In hindsight I shouldn't have asked her so far from the wedding, but you can't unask someone now. 

I know I still have plenty of time before my wedding (next September) but my MOH and other BM are in the process of shopping for and ordering BM dresses and this one BM won't return email, calls, or texts.  I invited her to my dress shopping and never got a response.  It was fine if she couldn't attend, I know she has her own life, but to get no response not even "sorry I have other plans" was disappointing.  I've sent her several messages about doing wedding things and non-wedding things, specifically asked her for some time to talk on a specific date and time and again got no response.  

I don't want to be rude and 'kick her out' of the wedding, but it seems as though she's intentionally removing herself in the most passive way possible.  I'd like to ask another girl who's become a great friend, but I want to know for sure that this BM is bowing out.  I've considered sending her an email or letter asking if she still plans to be apart of my wedding and that I need to know before the holidays, but again, I don't want it to be seen as rude even through she's being rude to me by ignoring me.  It seems like she's not interested in continuing our friendship, or there could be personal issues happening that she's not telling me about.  I really just don't know how to approach her, I feel like I'm darned if I do and darned if I don't. 

Any advise? 

Go dress shopping without her.  She may have something going on in her life she doesn't want to talk to you about.  Also, don't make your girls buy their dresses right before the major holiday shopping season.  If this is there idea, go with it, but this can wait until the new year.

As for the other girl, ask her if you want her in your BP.  Just don't do it to even sides out because your other BM has become flaky.  You should be cautious because if this other girl figures out she was only asked because she was replacing someone else, it could be hurtful to her. 

Viczaesar

I think you shouldn't be shopping for a dress yet. Your wedding isn't until next September, and this is the holiday season and almost a year before your wedding. Back off the dress until January at the earliest. Even if she does decide to drop out, don't replace her.

aurianna

If you want this new friend to be a bridesmaid too, ask her now, so that she isn't asked too much later than the others.
If you wait too much longer she might feel like an after thought. And even worse, if it becomes more and more apparent that this original BM is backing out, your new friend might feel like a replacement. Which is bad. You want her to feel like you want her to be a bridesmaid regardless if this original one shows up or not.
...though... I'm confused why you tied in this new possible bridesmaid with this dilemma at all. The original bridesmaid that's vanished should have no impact whatsoever on if you choose to ask this new friend... So at least in this post, it really does come off a bit like you're treating her like a replacement.

Lurkers... don't ask your bridal party more than 9 months out. As good intentioned as it is, and as much as you love the girls you ask at the time... Unforseen things happen. Friendships grow apart and new friendships come into being. Wait.


And it is WAY too early to be shopping for bridesmaid dresses. That's 10 months that the girls could gain weight, lose weight, or get pregnant. Wait until March.

shannie11

She is important to you which is why you asked her to be in your wedding.  Just because you have recently become closer to another girl does not make it right for you to unask this girl just because she is not as excited about your wedding as this other new girl is.  Your friend might have things going on in her life as well.  Not every bridesmaid needs to be involved in picking out a dress.  I would ask her if she had a budget before you went shopping and if she didn't get back to before then, she has no say.

CowgirlK39

I had this happen about six months before my wedding. I was so angry with the BM because she ignored all of my messages about getting a dress by a certain date. The date to order came up and MOH approached me saying the BM requested more time. In the end, it turns out she was going through some major life/relationship issues and the last place her mind was was on my wedding. So I agree with PPs. Get past the holidays and then just go on with your plans. Set a date that the girls should have dresses ordered by and leave it at that. If she doesn't order a dress, she has taken herself out.