Bridesmaid adding guests!

saseblon73

Ok, my MOH has added her 20 year old son and his fiance to my wedding list.  I do not believe that he should be invited because, 1) He does not live at her house 2) I do not really know him like I do her youngest son 3) She says they want to go to as many weddings as possible before they get married (next year) 4) I did not put EITHER of their names on the invitation I sent her.  How do I tell her nicely that I do not want him and her there and it is very improper for her to assume they be invited?

Also, she is insisting that a few things for me that she is doing (decorating a pair of Keds for me for the reception as well as making a box and putting a sash on the flower girls dress) should remain a "surprise" for me until the day of rehearsal.  I am FREAKING out here!  She is not crafty and all I ask is to see the shoes a month before so we can tweek them together if they are "trashy" looking or I can just get another pair of shoes to wear for the reception.  She is wanting me to be surprised by all this stuff until the last day and it is just freaking me out!  I don't want any surprises on that day.  Am I wrong or freaking out for no reason?  HELP!!!!

clarke10

Well I wouldn't be letting anyone "surprise" me with decorations/attire details for ME for my wedding. I would just tell her that if she wants to make those things, you have to see them ahead of time.

As for the added guests, just tell her the invitation was only for her and you can't accommodate her son and his fiance. 

HisGirlFriday13

saseblon73 said:

Ok, my MOH has added her 20 year old son and his fiance to my wedding list.  I do not believe that he should be invited because, 1) He does not live at her house 2) I do not really know him like I do her youngest son 3) She says they want to go to as many weddings as possible before they get married (next year) 4) I did not put EITHER of their names on the invitation I sent her.  How do I tell her nicely that I do not want him and her there and it is very improper for her to assume they be invited?

Also, she is insisting that a few things for me that she is doing (decorating a pair of Keds for me for the reception as well as making a box and putting a sash on the flower girls dress) should remain a "surprise" for me until the day of rehearsal.  I am FREAKING out here!  She is not crafty and all I ask is to see the shoes a month before so we can tweek them together if they are "trashy" looking or I can just get another pair of shoes to wear for the reception.  She is wanting me to be surprised by all this stuff until the last day and it is just freaking me out!  I don't want any surprises on that day.  Am I wrong or freaking out for no reason?  HELP!!!!

You need to put on your big-girl panties and say to her, nicely, "I'm sorry, but our headcount cannot accommodate your son and his FI, regardless of how many weddings they want to see. The invitation was for you and your SO only, and no one else. I'm sure you understand that our budget can only accommodate so many guests."

As for the "surprises" -- NO is not a four-letter word, nor is it a bad word. You just say to her, "MOH, I'm sorry, but I'm not OK with last-minute surprises, so either I need to see these items by X date, or I will be planning for them on my own and I won't need whatever you're preparing."

You're not wrong. You're being reasonable. Now she either needs to be equally reasonable and gracious and let it go or she can be pissy about it and you still won't do it. 

SomethingBeautiful08

In regards to the surprises, try this "MOH clearly you don't know me as well as you think you do.  Some people love surprises, some people can't stand them.  I can't stand them.  They make me nervous.  I really appreciated you helping out, but making me wait is causing me stress.  If it is the same to you, I'd really like to go over these details X weeks ahead of time." 

You are well within your rights to give her the "the invite was just for her and SO and we cannot accommodate them" If it were one of my good friends, I'd be tempted to offer instead to go for coffee with friend and bride if she's got any questions or show her pictures, but only if I meant it and had the time to do so.

winelover123

Tell her no. Nicely, politely, but tell her no. I would not have taken any surprise gifts that I was supposed to wear the day before my wedding. By then, my shoes, hair, dress, and accessories were picked out.

As for adding guests, just tell her flat out no. Your venue cannot accommodate them, your budget won't allow it or just that her invitation was only meant for her and he SO.

Weesh

winelover123 said:

Tell her no. Nicely, politely, but tell her no. I would not have taken any surprise gifts that I was supposed to wear the day before my wedding. By then, my shoes, hair, dress, and accessories were picked out.

As for adding guests, just tell her flat out no. Your venue cannot accommodate them, your budget won't allow it or just that her invitation was only meant for her and he SO.

This X1000.  I like surprised when it's things like a cake for my birthday.  I do not like surprises that involve my attire on my wedding day.

syoun1nj

Wait, did you invite her other son? It seems a little weird if you only invited one of her sons and not the other. Usually you do not break up a family in that way (you either invite none of the kids or all of them).

It is up to you who to invite, but I would draw a line at a more defined place.

As for her "surprises," NOPE. Agree with previous posters. Tell her you need to see them by X date or you will need to make other plans. I would not have been able to stand not knowing if I had reception shoes or not the day of. I just wore flip flops, but still.  If she wants something to do, maybe she can plan refreshments for the bridal suite while you all get ready, or something more innocuous that wedding day attire/details.

huskypuppy14

syoun1nj said:

Wait, did you invite her other son? It seems a little weird if you only invited one of her sons and not the other. Usually you do not break up a family in that way (you either invite none of the kids or all of them).

It is up to you who to invite, but I would draw a line at a more defined place.

As for her "surprises," NOPE. Agree with previous posters. Tell her you need to see them by X date or you will need to make other plans. I would not have been able to stand not knowing if I had reception shoes or not the day of. I just wore flip flops, but still.  If she wants something to do, maybe she can plan refreshments for the bridal suite while you all get ready, or something more innocuous that wedding day attire/details.

Technically this rule is for underage children, not adult children. It's perfectly acceptable to invite one adult sibling and not the other. Are you inviting the other son OP? And how old is this other son. If the sons are 18 and 20 and you are excluding the 20 year old, I might reconsider. If the other son is 10, then I think it's fine.

HisGirlFriday13

laurynm84 said:

syoun1nj said:

Wait, did you invite her other son? It seems a little weird if you only invited one of her sons and not the other. Usually you do not break up a family in that way (you either invite none of the kids or all of them).

It is up to you who to invite, but I would draw a line at a more defined place.

As for her "surprises," NOPE. Agree with previous posters. Tell her you need to see them by X date or you will need to make other plans. I would not have been able to stand not knowing if I had reception shoes or not the day of. I just wore flip flops, but still.  If she wants something to do, maybe she can plan refreshments for the bridal suite while you all get ready, or something more innocuous that wedding day attire/details.

Technically this rule is for underage children, not adult children. It's perfectly acceptable to invite one adult sibling and not the other. Are you inviting the other son OP? And how old is this other son. If the sons are 18 and 20 and you are excluding the 20 year old, I might reconsider. If the other son is 10, then I think it's fine.

Normally, I'd agree with you, but the OP said that the MOH's son and his FI " want to go to as many weddings as possible before they get married (next year)." Basically, the MOH's son's FI wants to observe weddings and go to them for free before planning her own. No, no dice.

saseblon73

I invited her, her husband and her 16 year old son that still lives in the home with her.  Her youngest and my youngest have played baseball together for many years (10+) and so he is like another son to me, so much so that I asked him to be one of our ushers.  The oldest son, 20, has not lived in her home for over a year, has a fiance he lives with and in the past, when he did live there, I never really saw him.  He is a little "odd" and that made it hard for me to get to know him.  In fact, for over 10 years now, I have been around him maybe twice for a total of 3 hours?  She has offered to pay for them to go (food wise and such), but I am just not comfortable with someone coming that I really don't know and that I know will just sit there and eat, not dance and not mingle with anyone.  Not to mention, as my MOH, it's her duty to help me get everyone dancing and having fun, not having to "host" her oldest and his fiance...right?

As far as the "surprises", I really thought I might have been blowing it out of context for a bit.  With all the stress of this wedding planning, my grand baby maybe not making it past birth and having to be there for my oldest and his wife through all that, I thought I was just losing my mind over etiquette and her surprises.  Not to mention she tells me yesterday that she has been "researching" and it is well within her rights to surprise me with things.  I told her surprises would be fine...at the bachelorette party or a month before with something, but I want all my details ironed out the best I can at least a month before so I don't stress. 

BTW, I HATE surprises, always have and she knows it!  Oh, did I mention how difficult she has made everything that involved the other BM's that I finally had to tell her to relax cause she was cusing me so much stress my hair was falling out???  Sorry for rambling, this just really hit a nerve with me!  Thank you all for the reassurance and suggestions.  :-)

HisGirlFriday13

saseblon73 said:

I invited her, her husband and her 16 year old son that still lives in the home with her.  Her youngest and my youngest have played baseball together for many years (10+) and so he is like another son to me, so much so that I asked him to be one of our ushers.  The oldest son, 20, has not lived in her home for over a year, has a fiance he lives with and in the past, when he did live there, I never really saw him.  He is a little "odd" and that made it hard for me to get to know him.  In fact, for over 10 years now, I have been around him maybe twice for a total of 3 hours?  She has offered to pay for them to go (food wise and such), but I am just not comfortable with someone coming that I really don't know and that I know will just sit there and eat, not dance and not mingle with anyone.  Not to mention, as my MOH, it's her duty to help me get everyone dancing and having fun, not having to "host" her oldest and his fiance...right?

As far as the "surprises", I really thought I might have been blowing it out of context for a bit.  With all the stress of this wedding planning, my grand baby maybe not making it past birth and having to be there for my oldest and his wife through all that, I thought I was just losing my mind over etiquette and her surprises.  Not to mention she tells me yesterday that she has been "researching" and it is well within her rights to surprise me with things.  I told her surprises would be fine...at the bachelorette party or a month before with something, but I want all my details ironed out the best I can at least a month before so I don't stress. 

BTW, I HATE surprises, always have and she knows it!  Oh, did I mention how difficult she has made everything that involved the other BM's that I finally had to tell her to relax cause she was cusing me so much stress my hair was falling out???  Sorry for rambling, this just really hit a nerve with me!  Thank you all for the reassurance and suggestions.  :-)

To the bold: No. Her sole job is to show up on time, in the right dress, and smile for the photos. Nothing else. It's your and your husband's job to entertain your guests.

photokitty

saseblon73 said:

Ok, my MOH has added her 20 year old son and his fiance to my wedding list.  I do not believe that he should be invited because, 1) He does not live at her house 2) I do not really know him like I do her youngest son 3) She says they want to go to as many weddings as possible before they get married (next year) 4) I did not put EITHER of their names on the invitation I sent her.  How do I tell her nicely that I do not want him and her there and it is very improper for her to assume they be invited?

Also, she is insisting that a few things for me that she is doing (decorating a pair of Keds for me for the reception as well as making a box and putting a sash on the flower girls dress) should remain a "surprise" for me until the day of rehearsal.  I am FREAKING out here!  She is not crafty and all I ask is to see the shoes a month before so we can tweek them together if they are "trashy" looking or I can just get another pair of shoes to wear for the reception.  She is wanting me to be surprised by all this stuff until the last day and it is just freaking me out!  I don't want any surprises on that day.  Am I wrong or freaking out for no reason?  HELP!!!!

Buy shoes that will be comfortable to wear all day, love them so much that you never take them off. Put Keds under the table and say you will change into them when your feet hurt.

I'm not sure what she is making a box for so I can't offer a solution.

Make sure the flower girl loves her dress and the thing she carrying down the aisle (flowers, promenade, basket, etc) that she will refuse to carry or wear a sash. Mention to flower girl's mother ahead of time that you aren't sure you want her to wear the sash and once MOH goes down the aisle it can come off if needed.