NWR what do you wear to funerals?

PolarBearFitz

HisGirlFriday13 said:

NYCBruin said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

It doesn't have anything to do with being conservative, really, it's about respect. It's just how I was raised. The question in the thread was "what do you wear?" and that's what I was raised to wear. It's what my mother and grandmother wear (or wore). It's what women in my church wear. It's what women (largely) in my area wear. It's just what I'm used to.

I don't expect this to be a universal opinion, but it's my opinion. I object less to no-hose when you're wearing closed-toe shoes. But you shouldn't be wearing opened-toe shoes (like sandals) to a funeral. Those are casual, fun shoes, and this is a solemn occasion.

And I did know the bit about hose in WWII -- but even look at your example; your grandmother and her friends wanted to give the ILLUSION of hose because it was better to have the ILLUSION of hose than to be thought to be going bare-legged.

That makes sense.  I totally agree with the open-toe shoe thing-they are casual!  I just don't know many people who EVER wear hose, so it's interesting to hear how your experience is completely different.  And it makes sense that if you associate hose with formal/dress up (along with closed toe shoes) then you find it tacky to not wear them to a formal/solemn event.

It really is interesting to see how people's opinions vary! This is totally just what I am used to. Even as a little girl, I had to wear tights to funerals -- and church, and concerts, and so on. It's ingrained in my (Greek-Irish) psyche, along with "feed all the people all the time much food!" Which, btw, is also appropriate funeral behaviour.

I was raised that you wear hose when going to a funeral too! Being covered was part of it from my experience as it deals with modesty. I was taught that you cover up and wear black (or dark muted colors) to a funeral as to respect the dead, church, and mourning family. Not something everyone has to do but definitely how I was raised. So I feel you on this one! And yes sooooo much food (Southern and Irish household for me)!

jlhart76

I don't have a problem with people wearing colors. I've been to enough daytime funerals where people are coming from work and may not have time to change clothes. But I also come from an area where "dressed up" is a fresh cowboy shirt and high starched jeans.

LakeR2014

Throwing mine in there - I live in New England and was originally told to wear subdued and dark colors to all funerals, but have over the last ten years or so seen a change in the 'traditional' wear to the funeral.   In my family/area, a funeral is a mourning of the person and a remembrance of their life, so somber colors aren't necessarily adhered to.  However..there's a difference in what you wear to a funeral based on the person.

For example...

Going to a young person's funeral who died before their time - somber dark/subdued colors is appropriate.  As your mourning the loss of life.

Going to an elder's funeral who lived a long good life - wear something of color but still tasteful for the occasion.  Marking a remembrance of the person and their life. 

I hope this makes sense.

CommitmentCat

I wear dark subdued colours. I'm in agreement with hose, though I don't side eye those who don't wear them. I just have a thing about to much flesh showing at a funeral. Perhaps because the majority of the funerals I've attended are for the older generation in my family and I know what their feelings on the matter would be.

I attended a funeral in high school where we were all requested to wear white or bright colours by the family to celebrate her life. I went along with it because it was the family's request.

I suppose it all depends on the deceased, how they were in life, their families wishes, and the church.

I have once decided against attending a funeral over an outfit situation. This might sound callous. They created a facebook group for his funeral, telling everyone what to wear. Then back tracked it saying only these certain people must wear it. Then threatened people that if they rocked up in that colour they must leave.

I honestly felt the whole drama over wardrobe was too much and decided to peacefully say goodbye on my own.

southernbelle0915

I usually wear something nice, conservative and dark (black, gray, navy) but I don't judge others based on the clothes they're wearing unless it's something sexy or obnoxious. To me, sexy and obnoxious scream "look at me!" which is totally inappropriate for a funeral IMHO.

emmyg65

We don't do funerals in my family; we do memorials. And I've been told that dress for those is less somber than for funerals. I generally still try to be modest, formal, and fairly subdued, but I like to wear pops of color. 

We just had a memorial for my grandmother on Saturday. I wore a black pencil skirt, black tights, black pumps, royal blue sweater, and bright silk scarf. My husband wore gray trousers and a blue checked dress shirt. The last memorial I attended, I wore a kelly green dress, black cardigan, and black pumps.

The last actual funeral I went to, I wore a black wrap dress, nude hose, and black pumps. 

I only wear pantyhose or tights in the winter.

climbingsingle

I was raised to wear dark colors to a funeral. I've seen people show up to wakes in jeans - that is something I will always side-eye. 

I can't even remember the last time I wore panty hose. No one I know wears them either. 

Inkdancer

My mom has asked me to wear green to her eventual funeral, because it is her favorite color.

Barring a specific request like that, I would only wear black, grey, or navy.

doeydo

I wear all black ie. dress pants and black sweater or black knee-length skirt and black blouse.  However, at a funeral my FI went to recently, the man who passed requested that people wear casual and colourful clothes.  

clarke10

We went to a funeral earlier this year for someone in FI's family. I had never met most of his extended family so the funeral was the first time. I wore a nice black dress and black heels. The funeral was in a north woods town in Michigan and almost everyone was wearing jeans. There was someone there in sweatpants. It wasn't disrespectful, that's just their culture. 

SewInLoveWithDMB

I generally wear dark colors, but not all black necessarily.

I would not wear bright or loud colors, but I was not raised in an environment where all black is worn.

Hose in my area also equals old and out of fashion. Just saying.

PhoneCardLady

I was always taught never to wear RED to a funeral.

Also, it depends on what part of the country.  I have seen men come to the funeral home in overalls - this was in the south.  While this is something I would not do, I have understood things done may be ok in one area and not another.

winelover123

It depends. If the person is young, I wear dark colors. They should have had so much more time, and that is something we mourn. If the person is old, I was taught to wear bright colors to celebrate their life. In my family, all the funerals I've been to have had a party-feeling to them - we're celebrating the life of the person who died. We tell funny stories, catch up with relatives we haven't seen in a long time and eat. Though I will say, we've never had a young person die in our family.

As to the hose thing, at this point and time it's pretty much optional. At least in my area. Good for you if you wear it, no one really notices if you don't.

KeptInStitches

I agree, @scribe95. To me, it's more about your behavior at a service, or that you bothered to show up at all, than what you're wearing.

WedReMix13

I also assumed you wear dark colors but my family wears everything under the sun. 

tammym1001

I always wear dark clothes to a funeral. If I wear a dress I wear closed toe shoes and like @hisgirlfriday13, I always wear hose. I would never go to a funeral with bare legs, but that's just me. I rarely judge what anyone is wearing at a funeral, but the last one I went to the deceased's teenage daughter was wearing a skin tight, bright blue, super short mini dress and I thought it was extremely inappropriate. Actually, I would have thought it was inappropriate anywhere because she was only 13, but I'm not sure who thought it was ok to let her go to her dad's funeral dressed like that.

mysticl

tammym1001 said:

I always wear dark clothes to a funeral. If I wear a dress I wear closed toe shoes and like @hisgirlfriday13, I always wear hose. I would never go to a funeral with bare legs, but that's just me. I rarely judge what anyone is wearing at a funeral, but the last one I went to the deceased's teenage daughter was wearing a skin tight, bright blue, super short mini dress and I thought it was extremely inappropriate. Actually, I would have thought it was inappropriate anywhere because she was only 13, but I'm not sure who thought it was ok to let her go to her dad's funeral dressed like that.

They probably weren't thinking, they were grieving.  

s-aries8990

My grandfather passed 2 months ago. He was 85 and had a long battle after a brain injury.

At his wake, I wore a navy knee-length dress with a camel-color cardigan and nude shoes. My mom wore a plum dress with dark hose and matching purple shoes. My grandmother wore a deep dusty-rose cardigan and black pants. Most people were in some for of dark color bottom with a lighter-colored, subdued top.
At his funeral, I wore a black knee length dress, black hose, black shooties, and a white knit long cardigan. My mom wore a black and white formal floral print skirt with a white camisole and a black cardigan. My grandmother wore a green color maybe?

I agree - just as long as you wear something on the more conservative side, you should be fine.

smalfrie19

While having only been to one funeral, it was for my great grandmother and I wore a black knee lenth dress and black pumps (sans hose) but in my defense, it was  pretty hard death for me to swallow. Greatgrandma was the glue in the family.

RebeccaB88

My dad's side of the family has Funerals - weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth type Funerals. Everyone, including children, is expected to wear black or gray and nothing but.  To my father's funeral I wore a black outfit where the top had a small khaki design in it, and they thought that wasn't conservative enough. And someone else thought my aunt's gray suit wasn't a dark enough shade of gray. It was July and 105 degrees and everyone was sweltering at the gravesite, but they thought it was still improper to wear anything else.

My mom's family has Celebrations of Life. You're expected to dress conservatively, but in a way that reflected the deceased's favorite things and wishes. To my great-great aunt's funeral I wore gray pants and a purple wrap top. It was also August and 110 degrees and we were all told to dress with the weather in mind. She was a colorful lady, and color was appropriate for her.

To my BIL's mother's funeral, I wore a gray suit with a bright pink top underneath. Pink was her favorite color, and many ladies wore some shade of pink to the funeral. It was a way to pay tribute to her favorite things, just like the Elvis Presley hymns they played during the service.  Her nurses at the nursing home came in their work-issued white scrubs. We didn't care what they wore because they cared enough to come pay their respects to their client.

misssunshine17

Spinoff question.... brides aren't allowed to dictate dress to their wedding, is it okay that the deceased asks for a certain dress code? 

mysticl

misssunshine17 said:

Spinoff question.... brides aren't allowed to dictate dress to their wedding, is it okay that the deceased asks for a certain dress code? 

It's about honoring a person's last wishes.  If there is anytime a person gets to be "it's all about me" it's at their funeral.  

banana468

It depends on the time of year but darker colors are always involved.

In the summer I'll wear sleeveless and open toed heels with no hose without a second thought. The notion that hose are an absolute must is as passe as the concept that a woman must wear her girdle before leaving the house. Depending on where you are, you're dressed poorly if you ARE wearing them.

PrettyGirlLost

banana468 said:

It depends on the time of year but darker colors are always involved. In the summer I'll wear sleeveless and open toed heels with no hose without a second thought. The notion that hose are an absolute must is as passe as the concept that a woman must wear her girdle before leaving the house. Depending on where you are, you're dressed poorly if you ARE wearing them.

Also @HisGirlFriday13 the taboo of wearing white after Labor Day is long since dead.  The Fashion Industry and Hollywood have long since thrown that rule right out the window!

Feel free to rock that nice white dress this winter ;-)  http://www.emilypost.com/everyday-manners/your-personal-image/502-white-after-labor-day

HisGirlFriday13

PrettyGirlLost said:

banana468 said:

It depends on the time of year but darker colors are always involved. In the summer I'll wear sleeveless and open toed heels with no hose without a second thought. The notion that hose are an absolute must is as passe as the concept that a woman must wear her girdle before leaving the house. Depending on where you are, you're dressed poorly if you ARE wearing them.

Also @HisGirlFriday13 the taboo of wearing white after Labor Day is long since dead.  The Fashion Industry and Hollywood have long since thrown that rule right out the window!

Feel free to rock that nice white dress this winter ;-)  http://www.emilypost.com/everyday-manners/your-personal-image/502-white-after-labor-day

The day I take etiquette advice from the Fashion Industry and Hollywood (home of the PPD, honeymoon registries, and similar ill-advised bad behaviour) is the day I die!

*Winter* white, as opposed to true white, however, is something I am totally on-board with.

jellybeann

I normally wear black or another dark color to funerals. The last funeral I went to was for my grandfather, and from what I remember, people were dressed pretty traditionally/appropriately.

However, I've been to Hindu and Jain funerals/memorials, and it's actually considered impolite/inappropriate to wear black. Their color of mourning is white, and we were asked to wear light-colored, simple clothing.

ETA added /memorials because I'm unsure of the correct term

PrettyGirlLost

HisGirlFriday13 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

banana468 said:

It depends on the time of year but darker colors are always involved. In the summer I'll wear sleeveless and open toed heels with no hose without a second thought. The notion that hose are an absolute must is as passe as the concept that a woman must wear her girdle before leaving the house. Depending on where you are, you're dressed poorly if you ARE wearing them.

Also @HisGirlFriday13 the taboo of wearing white after Labor Day is long since dead.  The Fashion Industry and Hollywood have long since thrown that rule right out the window!

Feel free to rock that nice white dress this winter ;-)  http://www.emilypost.com/everyday-manners/your-personal-image/502-white-after-labor-day

The day I take etiquette advice from the Fashion Industry and Hollywood (home of the PPD, honeymoon registries, and similar ill-advised bad behaviour) is the day I die!

*Winter* white, as opposed to true white, however, is something I am totally on-board with.

But we aren't talking about etiquette rules, we are talking about fashion rules. . . which originated with the fashion industry, so. . .

I have never followed this fashion rule, I always found it totally arbitrary and silly, though most are.

banana468

PrettyGirlLost said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

banana468 said:

It depends on the time of year but darker colors are always involved. In the summer I'll wear sleeveless and open toed heels with no hose without a second thought. The notion that hose are an absolute must is as passe as the concept that a woman must wear her girdle before leaving the house. Depending on where you are, you're dressed poorly if you ARE wearing them.

Also @HisGirlFriday13 the taboo of wearing white after Labor Day is long since dead.  The Fashion Industry and Hollywood have long since thrown that rule right out the window!

Feel free to rock that nice white dress this winter ;-)  http://www.emilypost.com/everyday-manners/your-personal-image/502-white-after-labor-day

The day I take etiquette advice from the Fashion Industry and Hollywood (home of the PPD, honeymoon registries, and similar ill-advised bad behaviour) is the day I die!

*Winter* white, as opposed to true white, however, is something I am totally on-board with.

But we aren't talking about etiquette rules, we are talking about fashion rules. . . which originated with the fashion industry, so. . .

I have never followed this fashion rule, I always found it totally arbitrary and silly, though most are.

Yes!    Plus, of all the things to offend you, how does a lack of hose have an impact?   That's up there with being offended that a couple opted not to engrave their invitations or that they put their reception information on the main invitation.  Come on now! 

southernbelle0915

FTR - I would never go bare legged to a funeral. I don't side-eye people who do (or even notice, really), but I'd just feel uncomfortable if I didn't. Just a personal thing. 

Also, about white after Labor Day... I used to work in the heart of the city where I live. I was at a crosswalk waiting to cross the street one day in late Sept - it was like 75 degrees outside. I was wearing an off-white wool knit pencil skirt. Some female stranger was trying to make conversation and said something like "well aren't you bold wearing white after Labor Day!! I could NEVER do that." It was just.... really? I was like "oh yea, huge risk putting it on this morning. Hopefully I make it home ok today......" *eyeroll*

easilyunamused

southernbelle0915 said:

FTR - I would never go bare legged to a funeral. I don't side-eye people who do (or even notice, really), but I'd just feel uncomfortable if I didn't. Just a personal thing. 

Also, about white after Labor Day... I used to work in the heart of the city where I live. I was at a crosswalk waiting to cross the street one day in late Sept - it was like 75 degrees outside. I was wearing an off-white wool knit pencil skirt. Some female stranger was trying to make conversation and said something like "well aren't you bold wearing white after Labor Day!! I could NEVER do that." It was just.... really? I was like "oh yea, huge risk putting it on this morning. Hopefully I make it home ok today......" *eyeroll*

That etiquette don't always bothered me. I could see not wearing white linen pants in December, but really I think it depends on where you live. CA, Fl, HI...I live in my white shorts and linen pants all year long. 

As for funerals, I think if you look respectful than that's what will matter most. I was visiting my family in the summer a few years ago and my great aunt passed away unexpectedly. All I had with me were sundresses. My family was more excited to see me, rather than side eye my green summer dress.