Well, now this is an embarrassment of riches.

JCbride2015

I have posted on here once or twice before about the weird situation with my mom: basically, she's trying to start up her own business, but in the meantime, she is really struggling financially.  That's a whole other post.  The point to take away here is that she has said she thinks her business is going to "take off" (I don't think so) and she wants to be able to pay for my wedding dress in the hazy future when she thinks she will have money.  I recently had a conversation with her in which I told her the dress needs to be purchased within about 6 months, and it's okay if she doesn't have the money, I will pay for it myself.  She was disappointed but understood about the timeline.

Now yesterday at thanksgiving, my grandmother (dad's mom) took me and Fi aside, got all teary-eyed, and told us that she wants to buy my wedding dress and do the same for my sister when she gets married.  This is incredibly sweet of her and really means a lot to me that she is so excited we're getting married.  After the initial hugs and thank-you's, I told her the situation with my mom.  Grandmother said she understands, and if when the time comes Mom has the money, they can buy the dress together.

Now I don't know how to tell my mom about this.  I want to think Mom would just be happy grandmother is paying, but I'm worried this will just throw Mom's financial troubles into the spotlight and she will get really upset.  I don't know how to talk to her about this without setting off an emotional land mine.  My mom is extremely sensitive and emotional, and has been known to do things like yell, hang up the phone, etc.  She takes things really personally, and since this is her ex-MIL, there's a whole other layer of emotional baggage going on.  I want to accept Grandmother's help, but I'm really concerned about my mom's feelings.

Senecaf

Can Grandmother help out in another way? Maybe buy flowers instead. I know dresses hold a special sentiment for many but flowers are somewhat similar.

Edit: that's really tough. You hate to hurt your mothers feelings and it sounds like she may take this hard. Good luck!

JCbride2015

Thanks!  I have thought about asking Grandmother to help with something else, but given that she has volunteered and seems really into the dress, I don't want to be pushy or try to control her gift.  I guess if Mom gets really upset, I can try to ask Grandmother to contribute to something different.

FutureMrsN3312

Maybe mom can purchase the dress and grandma cover your accessories?  Veil, jewelry, etc.

kmmssg

I'm just gonna throw this one out there as a MOB and you can take it for what it is worth.  Every MOB is different.

I am divorced from my girls' father.  We both chip in on their weddings, but they have always, always, always known that I wanted to be the one to buy their dress, veil, etc.  On a value scale of 1-10 in my heart, this is a 10+++++. This is THE one item that I care about being the one to buy.  I don't care about where my money goes for the wedding for the rest of everything, but the dress is a non-negotiable for me.  I can honestly say I thought about this when they were very little.  I know not every MOB feels this way, but I also don't think it is too far outside the norm either.

So, on one side of the coin you have a mom who really wants to buy your dress but is in a financial situation that is tenuous at best.  It doesnt' sound like she may be very realistic about the early days of her business.

On the flip side of that coin, you have a very generous and heartfelt offer from your grandmother!  That is such a lovely thing all in itself. You are, indeed, a very lucky young lady.

Since I am also a Nana I will put this out there: if your grandmother is approachable and understanding, I would discuss with her, again, how important it is to your mom to buy the dress. Ask her if she might want to help with something else (if you feel it will be well receive).  If not, you need to decide if you are going to wait it out for mom or take grandma's offer and risk hurting mom's feelings.  

Only you can decide the best path on this one, but I did want to offer a MOB's heart if it gives you any clarity.  Good luck.

AddieCake

Isn't it 6 of one and half a dozen of the other?  Perhaps you can speak to this, having been there, kmmssg. If you are buying my dress, for, say, $1,000, and, say, photography is also costing $1,000, does it really matter? I mean, I need $2,000 to get my dress and the pictures. Does it matter which money went toward the dress and which went toward the photography? Or is it a being there for it thing? So, like, if you come WITH me to get my dress, then you would also be "buying" the experience of being part of the dress?

JCbride2015

Thanks @kmmssg for the MOB answer.  I'm not sure that my mother feels exactly this strongly about it, but I do think it matters to her.  The issue is that she is unable to contribute and I think that really bothers her.  I feel the need to protect her from disappointment that she can't do everything she wants.

@AddieL73, I think I see it this way too.  Since I was budgeting on buying the dress already, that just means more money for something else.  But I think it's also a point of pride for Mom or Grandmother to be able to say, "I bought that dress."

And that also reminds me.  Grandmother now wants to choose the dress with me, which is fine since those who pay have a say.  We generally agree on style and I can't see her veto-ing something I really want, anyway.  But logistically this would be tough.  She lives OOS.  I guess she must be planning on making a special trip but I know that's a hassle for her... and I had hoped to go shopping with my best friend, who is only in town once a year around the holidays.  Grandmother can't make a trip back up here so soon after already being here for Thanksgiving.  Oy.

Edited: spelling.

kmmssg

AddieL73 said:

Isn't it 6 of one and half a dozen of the other?  Perhaps you can speak to this, having been there, kmmssg. If you are buying my dress, for, say, $1,000, and, say, photography is also costing $1,000, does it really matter? I mean, I need $2,000 to get my dress and the pictures. Does it matter which money went toward the dress and which went toward the photography? Or is it a being there for it thing? So, like, if you come WITH me to get my dress, then you would also be "buying" the experience of being part of the dress?

Yeah, Addie, it really does matter to me.   The experience is definitely a strong part of the whole deal - it has always been something I have looked forward to, but I never really thought about "buying" the experience with the money.

Of our 4 girls 2 are my bio DDs and the only 2 I ever shopped with. The other girls' mom went with them for their gowns.  My engaged DD didn't buy the dress "I" liked the very best, but she DID buy the dress she loved, the one that made her face light up, and that is the very dress I wanted her to have. I have always wanted that to be part of my gift to her.

AddieCake

Right...so what you're saying is that being there for the finding of THE dress and being there to gift the money for that is the important part.