Similar to "everyone's an expert"... vent

thisismynickname2

Ever feel like you just can't win?

Background: I have one MOH, my older sister, who lives about 3 hours away from me. I have two bridesmaids- BM1 is my "current best friend", a person I see at least weekly and text often. Out of anyone in my life now, BM1 knows me best. BM2 is my "lifelong best friend", someone I've known since we were two. BM2 lives a few states a way and literally just gave birth to her second child. 

I didn't want a big wedding. I would have been happier eloping, but compromised on a wedding with 80 guests. I'm a reluctant planner and chose a venue with an all-inclusive option to cut down on the amount of "stuff" I have to do.  Further background is that my sister and I were never close; we just don't communicate well. Never have, never will, unfortunately.

So here's the issue. The wedding is about 9 months away now and over the holiday, my mom said she and my sister were talking about dresses. My mom relayed to my sister that I simply want the three ladies to wear black cocktail dresses.  Now then, a few months back I wrote ONE e-mail to the ladies with some style ideas (A-line, chiffon perhaps)-- BM1 said "whatever you want!" and BM2 replied with a bunch of questions about fit and tailoring and how late could she buy a dress as she wanted to lose baby weight. No problem! Totally understand. MOH I don't remember responding at all.

So, since my sister asked my mom (not me!) about dresses, I wrote a second group e-mail today with a few other details like ideal time for bachelorette party (I'll be finishing a masters right before the wedding so there is a limited amount of dates to reasonably plan something). I said, "pick a fabulous black cocktail dress. If you're happy, I'm happy." 

My sister sent me such a bitchy reply about how we should all go shopping because you might have different blacks and given the classy venue, I certainly don't want the photos to come out with the bridal party looking cheap.  

Um.... thanks? I replied that I trusted everyone's style and ability to purchase an appropriate black dress!  This escalated further, but I won't bore you.

So, what the hell?  It's not really logistically possible to have a group shopping trip. If I "dictate" what they wear, they won't be happy. If I don't dictate what they wear, they're nervous they won't be coordinated. I truly don't care about them coordinating. I just don't!  Part of my vent here is that I can't win- two e-mails about bridesmaid dresses, both with negative responses. Why can't anyone just say, "Cool! It looked like from your other e-mail you preferred something soft over something shiny, you still thinking that?"  The other part of my vent is that my sister/MOH lacks tact.

Further to this, my mom and FMIL want to plan a shower, to which I said no. So then they wanted to plan a "Tea" to which I said... alright, sounds nice.  I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want "a day for thisismynickname!"- and I don't want to inconvenience everyone with a shopping trip. But apparently, the fact that I'm not giving direction and declining this stuff is disappointing or frustrating people.  ARGGGG. 

(I must say, that as a reluctant planner, this site is super helpful. I love reading the forums to learn about do's and don'ts. So whatever I do reluctantly plan will at least be done right! So, thanks!)

HisGirlFriday13

I am so sorry....that's kind of all I've got.

I would send your sister a private e-mail and say, "Look, due to [W, X, Y and Z] reasons, I have chosen the BM dresses. They'll be black cocktail dresses. That's it. End of discussion. There will be no group shopping trip, no co-ordinating dress e-mails, etc. Buy a black cocktail dress. If this is a problem for you, then please let me know now that you're not planning on buying the dress and standing up for me at my wedding."

Just keep saying "no" to your mother/FMIL about the shower if you truly don't want one. @ClimbingBrideNY posted a good thread about this on another board earlier today and got some good responses. If you truly feel like you can't say no -- for whatever reason -- having a 'tea' might not be a bad compromise. It's a small get-together, doesn't last long, and you can have your FI come along to defuse the situation if necessary.

climbingsingle

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I am so sorry....that's kind of all I've got.

I would send your sister a private e-mail and say, "Look, due to [W, X, Y and Z] reasons, I have chosen the BM dresses. They'll be black cocktail dresses. That's it. End of discussion. There will be no group shopping trip, no co-ordinating dress e-mails, etc. Buy a black cocktail dress. If this is a problem for you, then please let me know now that you're not planning on buying the dress and standing up for me at my wedding."

Just keep saying "no" to your mother/FMIL about the shower if you truly don't want one. @ClimbingBrideNY posted a good thread about this on another board earlier today and got some good responses. If you truly feel like you can't say no -- for whatever reason -- having a 'tea' might not be a bad compromise. It's a small get-together, doesn't last long, and you can have your FI come along to defuse the situation if necessary.

Totally agree with everything said here. Honestly, if I was a BM in your wedding, I'd jump for joy at being able to pick out a simple black cocktail dress. 

Also, I'm in the same boat with the shower. This is my second wedding. FI and I don't need anything - we have more than enough. I'm not registering and I told my family and my MOH that I didn't want a shower. FMIL, well, she has two boys. The other one is not married. This is my FI's first wedding. Even though I've told her a few times that I don't want a shower, she seems intent on throwing me one. And because I really love her, I'm not going to fight her. I'm going to suggest a lunch/tea and hopefully it won't be too painful. 

thisismynickname2

Thanks ladies. A tea does sound very nice. My FI gets where I'm coming from but also, our moms are so excited about our marriage that he's saying, "well, just... let them enjoy this."  I don't mind a tea. I think I'm actually more worried about stressing out BM2 than anything! I don't want her to feel bad, or left out, or pressured to do any of this with a new baby and hopefully a move in the near future.

I told my mom and BM1 that I didn't want to discuss anything further until spring, when I'd have a better idea of my course schedules and what's up with BM2's life situation. 

On to honeymoon planning- the fun stuff!

bmydesigner

Maybe give your MOH and BMS each other's contact information. This way, they could possibly share dresses / designers they all like with each other and come up with a solution that works for all of them, then okay it with you.

I'm sorry for the situation you are in, sounds tough. Hang in there!

MrsDeRuyter87

Maybe provide your BM's with a few websites they can look at for the dress...jcrew, modcloth.com, macys, etc.

thisismynickname2

Yes, luckily we're all into the whole Ann Taylor / J Crew / White House Black Market type of fashions anyway so I'm certain they can find something nice at stores like that, no matter where they live! 

BlondieBia21

I had a similar issue and finally what I had to do was look online at a store that was in all locations and then pick two styles out and told them to choose whichever one they liked best. If you want them to all match (I know you said you don't care but you may need to choose just to try and not battle) then say majority vote wins, whichever dress is the most popular, everyone will need to get. 

It is true that if they all have different fabrics, it could look funny. Also, there are so many different versions of "black" that it could be weird in pictures, but that's just my two cents.

I also did not want showers, but finally *had* to agree to one when I realized how much the hostess was wanting to do one. I did it for her, and not me. I also laid some ground rules that I wanted it to be more like a party instead of a formal shower. 

Hang in there, these are all things that can be easily fixed. At the end of the day, all that matters is you'll have your husband!!

HaileyDancingbear

If your bridesmaids are really that worried about color coordinating but you want them to have their own style, maybe you could compromise by having them all buy their dresses from the same place, in the same color/material so that they know they'll all be the same shade of black- because that seems like the issue they're having, which isn't entirely unreasonable (They definitely could have handled it more politely, though) If you took 10 black dresses from random brands and laid them next to each other, you'd see variations in the color, even though they're all black.  It seems that as long as you can promise your bridesmaids that their dresses will all be the same fabric and color, they'll be fine picking out their own style.

Another alternative, which is something I'm doing for my bridesmaids, is having everyone wear an infinity dress- they can be worn lots of different ways to create lots of different looks, but as long as you buy them from the same store they'll all be the same material and color. 

thisismynickname2

Hmmm an infinity dress is a good idea, thanks! 

lovesclimbing

@thisismynickname An infinity dress is really not a very good idea.  Unless your bridesmaids are smaller than a size 4, they won't look flattering.  They have very little support and they don't hide bras very well.

If you have all really slim bridesmaids, they might work.  If you google these dresses, you never find bigger models wearing them.  When you do find real life people wearing them, usually they don't look flattering and the boobs look saggy because she can't wear a bra or has to wear a stick one one that doesn't give her enough support.

If you google convertible dresses, most of the real life people pictures are not very flattering.

Look at those poor two girls on the right!  Their boobs are so saggy, especially the one on the far right, because they can't wear bras.  The other two girls look saggy too and they're very slim.

This is one that someone posted a while back that looks like it could be ok.  It looks like it could hide a strapless bra and is more supportive.  http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/jenny-yoo-aidan-convertible-strapless-chiffon-gown/3492857?cm_cat=datafeed&cm_ite=jenny_yoo_'aidan'_convertible_strapless_chiffon_gown:522862_4&cm_pla=dresses:women:dress&cm_ven=Google_Product_Ads&mr:referralID=3172ba4f-40d8-11e3-bae4-001b2166c2c0  Or if not that one, have them get one of the ones that has the option of getting a matching bandeau for underneath.

HaileyDancingbear

lovesclimbing said:

@thisismynickname An infinity dress is really not a very good idea.  Unless your bridesmaids are smaller than a size 4, they won't look flattering.  They have very little support and they don't hide bras very well.

If you have all really slim bridesmaids, they might work.  If you google these dresses, you never find bigger models wearing them.  When you do find real life people wearing them, usually they don't look flattering and the boobs look saggy because she can't wear a bra or has to wear a stick one one that doesn't give her enough support.

If you google convertible dresses, most of the real life people pictures are not very flattering.

Look at those poor two girls on the right!  Their boobs are so saggy, especially the one on the far right, because they can't wear bras.  The other two girls look saggy too and they're very slim.

This is one that someone posted a while back that looks like it could be ok.  It looks like it could hide a strapless bra and is more supportive.  http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/jenny-yoo-aidan-convertible-strapless-chiffon-gown/3492857?cm_cat=datafeed&cm_ite=jenny_yoo_'aidan'_convertible_strapless_chiffon_gown:522862_4&cm_pla=dresses:women:dress&cm_ven=Google_Product_Ads&mr:referralID=3172ba4f-40d8-11e3-bae4-001b2166c2c0  Or if not that one, have them get one of the ones that has the option of getting a matching bandeau for underneath.

The fact they couldn't wear a bra and it didn't look flattering is due to the style they chose.   You can wrap an infinity dress to have a v-neck and cover both shoulders- which allows you to wear a bra under it. You can also adjust where the waistline is, so it's up to the person wearing it to decide where it's flattering.  In that picture the girl on the right just chose a really unflattering style, if she moved down the waist a bit and covered her shoulders to allow a bra, it would look fine.

lovesclimbing

HaileyDancingbear said:

lovesclimbing said:

@thisismynickname An infinity dress is really not a very good idea.  Unless your bridesmaids are smaller than a size 4, they won't look flattering.  They have very little support and they don't hide bras very well.

If you have all really slim bridesmaids, they might work.  If you google these dresses, you never find bigger models wearing them.  When you do find real life people wearing them, usually they don't look flattering and the boobs look saggy because she can't wear a bra or has to wear a stick one one that doesn't give her enough support.

If you google convertible dresses, most of the real life people pictures are not very flattering.

Look at those poor two girls on the right!  Their boobs are so saggy, especially the one on the far right, because they can't wear bras.  The other two girls look saggy too and they're very slim.

This is one that someone posted a while back that looks like it could be ok.  It looks like it could hide a strapless bra and is more supportive.  http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/jenny-yoo-aidan-convertible-strapless-chiffon-gown/3492857?cm_cat=datafeed&cm_ite=jenny_yoo_'aidan'_convertible_strapless_chiffon_gown:522862_4&cm_pla=dresses:women:dress&cm_ven=Google_Product_Ads&mr:referralID=3172ba4f-40d8-11e3-bae4-001b2166c2c0  Or if not that one, have them get one of the ones that has the option of getting a matching bandeau for underneath.

The fact they couldn't wear a bra and it didn't look flattering is due to the style they chose.   You can wrap an infinity dress to have a v-neck and cover both shoulders- which allows you to wear a bra under it. You can also adjust where the waistline is, so it's up to the person wearing it to decide where it's flattering.  In that picture the girl on the right just chose a really unflattering style, if she moved down the waist a bit and covered her shoulders to allow a bra, it would look fine.

I'm not so sure about this.  Could you post a pic?  The ways that I've seen to wrap them where they cover the shoulders expose enough back that a bra can't be worn.  On the twobirds site, they have a "full coverage" way of tying that covers all of the back but frankly, the back looks frumpy, and the front exposes a lot of cleavage.  All of the "cap sleeve" options show off most of the back.  The strapless way of tying, I think, is the only way that would allow a bra to be worn, but then you still have the problem of larger-breasted women, or even smaller-breasted women, possibly wanting the support that straps offer.

The dessy one has one style "sleeves" that covers the back and doesn't expose too much cleavage, if it was pinned together.  But again, this one starts to look a little frumpy covering that much arm and that much back, especially if it's the full-length style.  

I don't know very many women who want to cover all of their body.  I tend to wear clothes with fairly conservative necklines and hemlines (no higher than two to three inches above the kne) but I couple that with sleeveless or cap sleeves and partly open backs that can still hide a bra.  So if I was given a dress that the only way for it to cover enough cleavage and hide a bra was to cover most of my upper arm and all of my back, I would not be happy, especially if it was the floor-length version on top of that.

MrsDeRuyter87

I am probably going to go to hell but I couldn't help but laugh out loud literally when I saw that pic of those girls and their saggy tatas.

thisismynickname2

Hmm. See this brings me back to why I want them to choose their own dresses. I've seen too many unfortunate looking BMs. Poor dears.

Viczaesar

HaileyDancingbear said:

lovesclimbing said:

@thisismynickname An infinity dress is really not a very good idea.  Unless your bridesmaids are smaller than a size 4, they won't look flattering.  They have very little support and they don't hide bras very well.

If you have all really slim bridesmaids, they might work.  If you google these dresses, you never find bigger models wearing them.  When you do find real life people wearing them, usually they don't look flattering and the boobs look saggy because she can't wear a bra or has to wear a stick one one that doesn't give her enough support.

If you google convertible dresses, most of the real life people pictures are not very flattering.

Look at those poor two girls on the right!  Their boobs are so saggy, especially the one on the far right, because they can't wear bras.  The other two girls look saggy too and they're very slim.

This is one that someone posted a while back that looks like it could be ok.  It looks like it could hide a strapless bra and is more supportive.  http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/jenny-yoo-aidan-convertible-strapless-chiffon-gown/3492857?cm_cat=datafeed&cm_ite=jenny_yoo_'aidan'_convertible_strapless_chiffon_gown:522862_4&cm_pla=dresses:women:dress&cm_ven=Google_Product_Ads&mr:referralID=3172ba4f-40d8-11e3-bae4-001b2166c2c0  Or if not that one, have them get one of the ones that has the option of getting a matching bandeau for underneath.

The fact they couldn't wear a bra and it didn't look flattering is due to the style they chose.   You can wrap an infinity dress to have a v-neck and cover both shoulders- which allows you to wear a bra under it. You can also adjust where the waistline is, so it's up to the person wearing it to decide where it's flattering.  In that picture the girl on the right just chose a really unflattering style, if she moved down the waist a bit and covered her shoulders to allow a bra, it would look fine.

No, even with a different neckline they're incredibly unflattering on most people and are such thin material that you can see the bra through the fabric.

MandyMost

I'd send them links to specific dresses at those stores that have already been mentioned (Ann Taylor, White House Black Market, etc.). I'd aim for finding links to 10 specific dresses you like. I'd say in the email that they can feel free to purchase any of these 10, or if they find anything better to just let you know. That way the bridesmaids who are concerned about non-matchiness and want direction have it, and the bridesmaids who are perfectly capable of dressing themselves aren't locked in either.

I'd also look up some pictures of bridesmaids in mis-matched black cocktail dresses to forward to the one "problem bridesmaid" as well, to show her how good it can look, and what you're going for.