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Etiquette

How did you split the planning?

Overwhelmed future Bride here.

I am a very lucky girl in that my Sister, Mother and FMIL are super excited for us and want to help plan the wedding.  Which I am totally going to capitalize on =)

But I'm really wondering how much the Groom typically does?  I never really thought Grooms did any planning and that it was all the Bride.  I know times have changed but are any of your FI's involved?

How much? Or are they involved at all?
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Re: How did you split the planning?

  • My FI has been very involved, but mostly with decision making, not so much with the legwork.  Basically, I do all the research, figure out 2 or 3 options and then take someone with me to evaluate those options.  Mostly it's my FI, sometimes it's my mom, one time it was my sister.  FI gets veto power on pretty much anything, but other than that we pick one of the options that I've researched together. 

    What FI is doing completely on his own is planning the honeymoon.  Similar to the wedding planning that I do, he does all the legwork and research and then comes to me with a few different options and we pick from those options together.

    When we get closer to the wedding, I'm sure FI will also do a lot of work figuring things out of out of town guests, as that is mostly his friends and family.

    FMIL is into planning, but is solely concentrating on the rehearsal dinner because she is quite far away and wants something that she can do without any input from us.
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  • Every couple is different. I think you'll get a lot of different answers on this, and I think you should do what works for the two of you.

    That said, the two of us planned our wedding together. H and I were equal participants, as it was our event. Where we mostly split the work was on research, which we did based on the things that interested us. For example, he was very interested in the food and I was more interested in the photography, so he was in charge of researching food, and I photography. We came together to make the final call on each.

    My mom wanted to help, so she organized travel and accommodations for my family.

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  • It was a team effort for a lot of the big decisions. My H doesn't have a normal 5 day work week so on his off days during the week he was able to call and talk with different vendors and narrow down our list so it was easier to make a decision. He also was able to shop for decor and other things during the week so that helped me out a lot. For the less important details I would ask his opinion and usually he would tell me that he didn't care either way and I would make that call alone.

    I hated the whole planning process so H tried to help out as he could.

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    PrettyGirlLost
  • My husband wasn't really interested in the planning, but I knew that up front. There are some things he will always do in our relationship, there are some things I will always do. The first thing we did was set a budget together. Together, we narrowed down a list of potential dates for the year we wanted to get married, then I did all the research on venues. We visited venues, and generally shared the same views on each. The venue we picked was the favorite for both of us. The only other things he did were go to the cake tasting, flowers (but only because it was near the cake tasting place - I probably would have gone alone otherwise), and picked out a tux. He loved our wedding, but to him it was more the location and the people there than all of the other details.

    He was much more involved in honeymoon planning, because he enjoys reading travel books and planning trips. And it wasn't like he expected me to plan the whole wedding by myself - if neither of us had been interested, we probably would have just gotten married on a cruise or at a resort.

    Come to think of it, this is kind of the same approach to how we split housework: the bare bones are split evenly between the two of us (doing dishes, mowing the lawn, laundry); the rest is divided based on who cares (he's more likely to organize the filing cabinet or fix a not-quite-level cabinet, whereas I'll dust the baseboards and wipe handprints off the doors)

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  • It depends on the guy.  My FI cares about music, food, and venue choice and the rest is up to me, which I appreciate.  I like planning so far.
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  • I did pretty much all of the research for everything because I sit at a computer for 10 hours a day and it was just easier that way. As far as narrowing down vendors and going to appointments, we did all of that together with the exception of the florist. He didn't care much about flowers so my mom went to those appointments with me. We also did all the DIY projects together with the help of my parents and his mom. 
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  • FI and I do everything together. I coordinate with our planner, simply because it's easier for her to email one person, and I relay the information to him. He has gone to every appointment with me, and we have both weighed in on everything. The only thing he doesn't get a part in is my dress, but I bought it while thinking of both what I loved and what he would love to see me in. He has asked me to help him pick out a tux, though I will encourage him to make the decisions about his bridal party attire. He is very eager to be involved and actually cares quite a bit about how everything turns out.
  • My fiance went to every reception hall meeting, the church meetings, all but two florists meetings (we checked out 4 florist before coming to a decission) and that was only because he had to work. He helped me with the layout of the invites (we diy) and helped me with layout issues on the programs. He took care of the limo & photographer. We went together & picked out tux. Basically he had his hands on everything in the wedding planning except for my dress & the BM dresses.
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  • My DH didn't do much at all. If I remember correctly, the only thing he DID do was choose the appetizers for the cocktail hour. He didn't even see the venue until the night of the rehearsal.
    Kerrots
  • I've pretty much done everything. He's weighed in on the big decisions and gone to a few appointments, but really is not interested. Example: we went to men's wearhouse so he could pick a tux. It took all of 20 mins. When we left he was complaining how much it sucked and he can't wait til we don't have any more wedding appointments. SMH...
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  • On the big thing - venues - I did the legwork, my mom and I visited and narrowed down then my FI approved.

    I certainly asked him about other things along the way and he would give an opinion if pushed. But really he only cared about three things - he wanted the invites to be legible (to him that meant no fancy script); he wanted a good cake (which he enjoyed the tastings); and he handled all the transportation issues - i.e. shuttle and limo.

    Things he didn't give a hoot about - what the invites looked like; what the flowers looked like, centerpieces.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • It will vary for each couple, and as long as both are happy with the arrangement, there isn't a right or wrong way.

    Things we did together: hubby came with me to meet a lot of potential vendors that he was interested in- the DJ (he did a lot of the song/artist selection because he was into it), limos (I had no preference what we rode in but he did), and of course he had a blast at our venue making our final menu choices. And everything involving our ceremony (full Catholic mass)- PreCana classes, meeting with the priest, picking readings and music selections.  I picked our invitations and favors but hubby helped me stuff invitations and set up the favors (I couldn't have imagined asking my mom, MOH or bridesmaid to help with that stuff.  They'd offered to help but I didn't want them doing grunt work ie anything that involved getting a paper cut.)

    Things I did solo: He didn't accompany me to the florist or the photographer, and I was fine with that, I had pretty clear ideas in mind what I was hoping for and he didn't have any input.  Also, my dress and hair/make up trials.

    Things he did solo: his tux, obviously, since he was the one wearing it.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • melbelleupmelbelleup
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    edited December 2013
    Kerrots said:
    Overwhelmed future Bride here.

    I am a very lucky girl in that my Sister, Mother and FMIL are super excited for us and want to help plan the wedding.  Which I am totally going to capitalize on =)

    But I'm really wondering how much the Groom typically does?  I never really thought Grooms did any planning and that it was all the Bride.  I know times have changed but are any of your FI's involved?

    How much? Or are they involved at all?
    My FI is involved on the deciding vote. I asked him what mattered the most, as in, what does he want at our wedding. His response was a chocolate fountain and black tuxes for the guys. The end. He has gone to flower appointment and cake appointment (he really wanted to go to this one!) with me as well. Basically, I pick everything, ask him his opinion and go from there. Although he wanted a different cake than me, so we let my parents weigh in on it too and had them try it and they both sided with mine (he wanted lemon cake raspberry filling, though amazing and lemon is my favorite, not a lot of people would eat it) His aunt was actually shocked at how involved he is with the wedding.. it's his wedding too! We picked out invites together as well. Basically, he knows everything about the wedding as I plan it.

    Like others have said he was involved fully with the ceremony as well. But, idk how a priest would feel if he wasn't :/ lol

     BUT your groom might not want to be that involved, so just ask him. :)
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  • We planned the wedding like we plan everything else: I did most of the research, and I ran ideas by him. When we first got engaged, we sat down and decided how we wanted the wedding to feel and what our top priorities are. We made all the big decisions together, and met with all the vendors together. He was completely in charge of figuring out how to set up the reception area, and he managed a lot of the logistics.
  • My FI has been very involved so far. It's really just the two of us planning, along with our wedding planner. We picked the venue together, have Skype meetings with our planner, he helped pick out the STDs. He found the photographer and the DJ and the ceremony spot. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Sometimes FIs are very involved (I've heard of groomzillas) and sometimes uninvolved to the point where the bride pretty much feels abandoned.  In both instances I wonder about the future of the relationship, but the point is to find some medium that you're both happy with.

    I would ask what aspects of the wedding he cares most about and let those be his responsibility if possible.  If it turns out he has totally different ideas than you, then you need to negotiate.
  • I would just sit down and have a conversation with his about what he wants to be involved in. My H wanted to be involved in food, booze and honeymoon... that was it. I would occasionally ask him to weigh in, but he really wasn't into constant options and things. Just make sure if you're asking, you really do value his opinion on whatever topic. 

  • edited December 2013
    Kerrots said:
    Overwhelmed future Bride here.

    I am a very lucky girl in that my Sister, Mother and FMIL are super excited for us and want to help plan the wedding.  Which I am totally going to capitalize on =)

    But I'm really wondering how much the Groom typically does?  I never really thought Grooms did any planning and that it was all the Bride.  I know times have changed but are any of your FI's involved?

    How much? Or are they involved at all?
    Don't be overwhelmed!  Planning your wedding shouldn't be that big of a deal if you just go about it methodically- Figure out your budget with your FI and whomever else is paying, if anyone, then draft your guest list, then work on your ceremony and reception venues because locking those down will give you your wedding date.  From there the rest will start to fall into place.  Don't stress, you can do it!

    My FI is very involved, and I got myself into trouble with him early on because I made a mistake and assumed he wouldn't be interested in things like the "look" of the wedding reception, flower colors, etc.  If I made decisions on those things he felt left out and was mad.

    My FI enjoyed deciding on the "look" of the wedding with me- he has a very nice sense of style, he and I checked out reception venues, photographers, DJs, and transportation together and decided together who we would choose.  He is fine with me picking out the tux colors and style for he and the groomsmen, although his one request was no morning coats (tails), lol.

    My FI and I designed our STDs together, and I will run invitations ideas past him as well.

    ETA: For Xmas last year I bought him "A Gentleman Walks Down the Aisle" and one of the responsibilities of the groom listed in that book is to plan the honeymoon, so that is what FI is doing, lol.  We decided on a location together, and he is doing the rest. . . wants a lot to be a surprise.
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  • My DH tasted food and made menu choices, and picked the GM attire.  Those were the only things he wanted to weigh in on, the rest he left up to me.  I ran most things by him first, but otherwise, as long as we had good food and we ended up married, he was happy.
  • With us, I pretty much do all the research and planning and I give options for FI to choose from.  I looked up venues and prices and wrote it all out for him: he picked the final one (it was the one I wanted anyway so my research was a bit bias :)).  For food, I wrote out everything that was an option and all the prices: he narrowed it down.  We do pretty much everything this way.  And he's one of those people who can't decide something unless it's all written down and detailed with pros/cons, websites, prices, and all that.  Right now, that's how we're picking our honeymoon!
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  • H came to everything, even the florist (though he sat quietly and didn't say much.)  He knew this day was about both of us.  The only thing I did alone was interview one photographer and that was only because the photog & my H's schedules conflicted during the week.  H even helped assemble invites and make the favors with me.

    Times have changed and G's can be much more involved now with planning.  My dad actually asked me why H was coming to see venues with us.  I thought it was a trick question! I replied, because its his wedding too.  When my mom & dad married, he had no say in anything because that's how it was done back then.  The bride's parents planned everything!

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  • FI has been pretty involved.  I've done most of the leg work- the research, narrowing down venues, and vendors, scheduling appointments.  FI has been involved with everything except for the flowers that he didn't care too much about. I've left FI in charge of Limos as his project for the end of this month and next year.  There hopefully won't be too much DIY involved either.

  • fungrl97 said:
    My FI has been very involved, but mostly with decision making, not so much with the legwork.  Basically, I do all the research, figure out 2 or 3 options and then take someone with me to evaluate those options.  Mostly it's my FI, sometimes it's my mom, one time it was my sister.  FI gets veto power on pretty much anything, but other than that we pick one of the options that I've researched together. 

    What FI is doing completely on his own is planning the honeymoon.  Similar to the wedding planning that I do, he does all the legwork and research and then comes to me with a few different options and we pick from those options together.

    When we get closer to the wedding, I'm sure FI will also do a lot of work figuring things out of out of town guests, as that is mostly his friends and family.

    FMIL is into planning, but is solely concentrating on the rehearsal dinner because she is quite far away and wants something that she can do without any input from us.
    This is almost exaclty how our wedding planning is going!
  • My h was interested but only in certain things. He cared about the venue, food and music. That is really it. So he helped with those things. I would talk too him and ask his opinions on colors and flowers and the invites etc and he would just say "whatever you like because I don't really care either way about that."

    He did come to pretty much every meeting with me because he knew that I would like some company and that my Mom who lives in FL (me in MD) couldn't be there to help like she and I both wanted.
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  • I've done almost all of the planning. I let FI know ahead of time what I'm doing and where I'm going. If he comes to the appointments then he can help me decide. If he doesn't make the time to come then I get to decide what we're doing. So far the only appointment he has come to was the venue. He isn't really too much into planning anyways so he likes that I give him the option, but I don't get mad at him if he doesn't go. He has helped me with a couple of DIY projects and he got our awesome card box (a vintage wood burned wine box). 
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    Kerrots
  • I ran certain things by my husband, but overall, I did everything. He had opinions on stuff, but the actual planning and execution was done by me. 


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  • My H was very, very involved in wedding planning and I was grateful for it! I am planner by nature, but so is he and our wedding day was about both of us, not just me. He called and researched vendors and helped with everything from favors to place cards to centerpieces. He's a very outdoorsy, manly guy, but I think a little bit of him loved helping ensure the day was so great. :) We valued and respected each others opinions and I really would not have wanted to plan it without him.
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  • DH and I did everything together. I'm much more visual than he is, so I found ideas of things I liked for STDates and invites and whatever and would show him and we'd discuss them, change them, etc.

    He was heavily involved in the food choices, the alcohol choices, the cupcake choices, the centrepieces, etc.

    In lieu of a guest book, we used copies of our favourite books on the tables, and we each picked those. Our centrepieces went through several iterations before ending up as they did, and my mom actually made them, but DH and I picked the jars and ribbon and flowers and tissue paper together.

    The only things I did entirely on my own (or with my mother) were my dress/attire and the flowers (although DH was adamant 'no roses!,' so he did get an input in those, too).

    Our wedding, from beginning to end, was reflective of us as a couple. There were also some tense moments because we would agree on something -- like candles in votive holders -- and he'd second-guess me. I was like, "Do you NOT THINK that I LOOKED for the cheapest option and this is it? Just trust me here!"

    I am very much a planner, but so is he, and I was happy to have his involvement, because I wanted the wedding to reflect us together, not just me and my mother.

    (My father, blesshisheart, although my parents paid for the reception, had no requests whatsoever, and was just thrilled to find out parents of the bride are considered WP and therefore had access to the special WP room where there were appetizers set aside for the WP to eat after the photos and before the reception started).
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  • We're both involved in planning. We have different strengths: because of his job as an executive assistant, he's MUCH better with contracts, booking stuff, etc., and I'm much better at conceptualizing, so I'm the one tracking down lots of ideas for decor, attire, paper goods, etc. But we make all of our decisions together.
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  • I have been doing most of our planning, because my fiance is a silly goose.

    He has been more than happy to help pick out food, cake, and music, but when it comes to flowers and dresses and photographers he genuinely has no idea what to choose.

    My FI makes me crazy sometimes, because he wants me to be happy so he doesn't always express his opinion. I have gotten around this by narrowing down our choices to 3-4 things and then telling him I can't make up my mind. That gets him to talk, or at least talk it through with me.
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