I need help - this is basically like trying to plan 2 weddings :(

pipeTsquared

(As 3 venues was a no) I need some help trying to sort this out 

Obviously we need to do the legal married bit which here has to be in a building registered to conduct marriages (lots of places have licences, hotels, historic buildings, city hall etc)

We then need to feed the guests, it has to be a sit down meal (usually between 1 and 3pm) 

And then we have the bit after the meal with dancing and all that stuff which will pobably go on till 12 ish with a buffet (this bit usually has far far more people at, it usually starts around 7ish. I know the 2nd lot of people is not the done thing on here, however in the spirit of full disclosure I thought I should say, it is the way that weddings here are done and people expect it - typically the people invited to just the evening are not OOT, that would be thought of as rude)

(not a short time either can start anywhere between 11 and 1 typically - weddings here go on a long time)

Doing the stuff above isnt an issue and I could book somewhere nice very easily

But FI is from SA and is a Zulu which means he really wants to do a bit that is a 'traditional' (as much as we can) zulu wedding. Which I dont really understand and he is taking control off but we need a big space for it and need to serve food that isnt stereotypical buffet stuff (apparently a cow or a goat is killed, that isnt allowed obviously but we need to serve beef or goat and he wants other traditional food as well) 

So please help 

LondonLisa

pipeTsquared said:

(As 3 venues was a no) I need some help trying to sort this out 

Obviously we need to do the legal married bit which here has to be in a building registered to conduct marriages (lots of places have licences, hotels, historic buildings, city hall etc)

We then need to feed the guests, it has to be a sit down meal (usually between 1 and 3pm) 

And then we have the bit after the meal with dancing and all that stuff which will pobably go on till 12 ish with a buffet (this bit usually has far far more people at, it usually starts around 7ish. I know the 2nd lot of people is not the done thing on here, however in the spirit of full disclosure I thought I should say, it is the way that weddings here are done and people expect it - typically the people invited to just the evening are not OOT, that would be thought of as rude)

(not a short time either can start anywhere between 11 and 1 typically - weddings here go on a long time)

Doing the stuff above isnt an issue and I could book somewhere nice very easily

But FI is from SA and is a Zulu which means he really wants to do a bit that is a 'traditional' (as much as we can) zulu wedding. Which I dont really understand and he is taking control off but we need a big space for it and need to serve food that isnt stereotypical buffet stuff (apparently a cow or a goat is killed, that isnt allowed obviously but we need to serve beef or goat and he wants other traditional food as well) 

So please help 

Hi,

I'm British/Xhosa (South African) so I have been to a lot of weddings that incorporate indigenous ceremonies and more "western" ones as well. Just a few things of note:

1.) You only have one wedding. Plan it out so it is one event. Mix and combine the Zulu and western traditions- trust me, people find them very interesting. Don't separate them otherwise it will feel a bit disjointed. You are two cultures coming together to blend so I would say that is the theme of your wedding.

2.) DO NOT, under any circumstances, invite some people to the after dance without inviting them to the whole thing. You are right, it is frowned upon on TK. But it is also frowned upon everywhere! I have been to a few weddings with "evening guests" and everyone was aghast and the only thing everyone rembers is what cheap jerks the B&G were. You are telling your friends: "You are good enough to buy me things but not good enough for me to feed you!" That is a seriously rude move- don't be a jerk! Why would you want to be so nasty to your "friends"? tiered receptions/ evening guests are a friendship-ending move and they are also the best way to announce to everyone you know: "I am selfish, entitled and don't care about your feelings!" Where are you from where it is the done thing? Because from your post it sounds like you are British or Irish, and it is definitely NOT the done thing!

3.) You and your Fi need to sit down now and plan out how you are going to mix your cultures.  The best way to do this is to have him pick out some aspects of Zulu weddings that are very important to him and you can pick out some aspects of your culture's wedding that are important to you. Yes, you will have to compromise and so will he- but that is what marriage is about! Maybe he wants Zulu dancing, you want a big white dress etc. The key is families and cultures coming together. Maybe instead of him killing a goat, you serve some Zulu food and "western" food in a buffet so people can try both. 

If I were in your shoes, I would say:

- Get married at the registry office (or wherever you want) wearing your white dress/ Morning suit 

- Get a big hall where maybe some zulu dancing can happen

-Serve some Zulu food and some more traditional "Western" food

- At some point change into traditional Zulu wedding clothing so you can have photos with both

-Have a DJ for some fun evening dancing (with no additional evening guests!!! cannot stress that enough!!).

-Maybe have a zulu singing or dance troupe perform.

Remember, your children are going to identify with both of these cultures, so you need to work together now to blend them (not just pick one over the other). This is a good exercise for that!

It sounds fun.

pipeTsquared

LondonLisa said:

1.) You only have one wedding. Plan it out so it is one event. Mix and combine the Zulu and western traditions- trust me, people find them very interesting. Don't separate them otherwise it will feel a bit disjointed. You are two cultures coming together to blend so I would say that is the theme of your wedding.

I do only think I'm having one wedding, I said it was like having 2 because trying to plan both feels like it is doing 2 not that it is (does that make sense)

2.) DO NOT, under any circumstances, invite some people to the after dance without inviting them to the whole thing. You are right, it is frowned upon on TK. But it is also frowned upon everywhere! I have been to a few weddings with "evening guests" and everyone was aghast and the only thing everyone rembers is what cheap jerks the B&G were. You are telling your friends: "You are good enough to buy me things but not good enough for me to feed you!" That is a seriously rude move- don't be a jerk! Why would you want to be so nasty to your "friends"? tiered receptions/ evening guests are a friendship-ending move and they are also the best way to announce to everyone you know: "I am selfish, entitled and don't care about your feelings!" Where are you from where it is the done thing? Because from your post it sounds like you are British or Irish, and it is definitely NOT the done thing!

I am actually an Irish Brit (so both) and having an evening do is very very common (so much so that when you phone up venues or get their info pack - it is priced and layed out for x at wedding breakfast then with x for the evening do) and certainly isnt a friendship ending move (gifts arent expected). I have been invited to so many evening dos I cant count (usually it is work collegues or people from a sport team or group - mine have usually been people from work and then people from girlguiding) It is very very typical. However I know that it is frowned upon on TK. I put it in because I thought I should put everything in.

Thanks

I should say that if the flow of the wedding doesnt fit having 3 clear parts (ceremony, wedding breakfast, evening do) then I'm not desperate to try at really keep that traditional set up but if it does than that is what we will do (if that makes sense)

LondonLisa

pipeTsquared said:

LondonLisa said:

1.) You only have one wedding. Plan it out so it is one event. Mix and combine the Zulu and western traditions- trust me, people find them very interesting. Don't separate them otherwise it will feel a bit disjointed. You are two cultures coming together to blend so I would say that is the theme of your wedding.

I do only think I'm having one wedding, I said it was like having 2 because trying to plan both feels like it is doing 2 not that it is (does that make sense)

2.) DO NOT, under any circumstances, invite some people to the after dance without inviting them to the whole thing. You are right, it is frowned upon on TK. But it is also frowned upon everywhere! I have been to a few weddings with "evening guests" and everyone was aghast and the only thing everyone rembers is what cheap jerks the B&G were. You are telling your friends: "You are good enough to buy me things but not good enough for me to feed you!" That is a seriously rude move- don't be a jerk! Why would you want to be so nasty to your "friends"? tiered receptions/ evening guests are a friendship-ending move and they are also the best way to announce to everyone you know: "I am selfish, entitled and don't care about your feelings!" Where are you from where it is the done thing? Because from your post it sounds like you are British or Irish, and it is definitely NOT the done thing!

I am actually an Irish Brit (so both) and having an evening do is very very common (so much so that when you phone up venues or get their info pack - it is priced and layed out for x at wedding breakfast then with x for the evening do) and certainly isnt a friendship ending move (gifts arent expected). I have been invited to so many evening dos I cant count (usually it is work collegues or people from a sport team or group - mine have usually been people from work and then people from girlguiding) It is very very typical. However I know that it is frowned upon on TK. I put it in because I thought I should put everything in.

Thanks

I know that it is common in some circles, I am also British, but it doesn't mean it isn't against etiquette and rude (just like honeymoon registries or including registry cards in the invitation). Just because someone has done something rude to you doesn't give you license to be rude to other people. Of course venues will allow, and encourage, evening guests (they make more money this way!). I have yet to hear of someone trying to do evening guests in Britain who hasn't  been the talk of the town in a negative way! If even one person was offended by this (and trust me, many will be, I have heard so many disparaging things about people that do evening guests) isn't that one person too many? 

I am not trying to be nasty here, just trying to help you out. Remember, I am an anonymous internet person (who is from where you are from!) who is giving completely impartial advice- I have absolutely no stake in your wedding. Just don't do evening guests, or have a more informal wedding breakfast (such as a hot buffet instead of a three-course sit down)  and invite everyone. It is a very solvable problem!